The Cutprice Guignol

The Ninth Year: The Haunting of Swill House

Category: A Wanker’s literary reaction

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Justice League Comic-Con Trailer

IT’S TIME for another much-anticipated chance to suffer through force myself through agonisingly dissonance to watch enjoy the latest trailer for Zack Snyder’s newest release, Justice League! In case you missed it, here’s the writing I’ve done about the other DCEU movies, and without further ado, let’s get into this!

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Bladerunner 2049 Trailer

The new Bladerunner 2049 sequel is out today! Let’s analyse some sweet, sweet neo-noir sci-fi goodness, shall we?

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Thor: Ragnarok Trailer

Wee, it’s time for the first trailer for the new movie of everyone’s favourite Avenger, Thor! What a way to start the week. Let’s get into it!

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Death Note Trailer

When I was fourteen, I nicked all the Death Note books from my brother’s shelves and haven’t returned them to this day. I still feel moderately guilty about it. I lay this bare in front of you now so that we might move into this trailer review with a clean slate. To the first Death Note trailer!

0:06: So, how many comic-cons have you been to where at least ten dozen fourteen-year-olds, giddy on their first adventure into serious geekery, have a cheap notebook with Death Note written out carefully on the front in the specific manner in which it appears in the mangas? Just me? Moving on, this is a cool shot.


0:12: I still sort of aspire to be Ryuk. Also, anyone else think they could have chucked the special effects and just given Willem Defoe a funny wig and no-one would have been able to tell the difference?

0:17: That music is….aggressive.

0:19: Uh….cheerleaders? Alright? I suppose Misa being a J-pop star wouldn’t really translate into the American version.Seems like smoking during a routine would be counterintuitive to the cardio endurance you’d need to cheer though, no?

0:21: Right cancel everything that’s L, aka, the reason anyone read these books ever.

0:32: I like Light’s jolly jumper.


0:39: The fuck is this shot with the big wheel? The fuck is this? Can I just have someone adapt this damn series without adding their own bloody sodding spin on it? The story and characters are fine as they are, just let them be dammit!

0:46: Alright, you can fuck up a lot, but this shot of Ryuk is *kisses fingers like European chef*. Overall, I give it an “I wish this was a full series instead of a movie but who am I kidding I’m totally watching this the day it comes out”. What do you guys think?

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Doctor Who Season 10 Trailer

Doctor Who returns in a month, and I can barely contain my excitement. Despite my apathy-to-active-dislike of last season, DW always knows how to draw me back in just by virtue of being the only show I’ve watched for more than ten years. I’m in now, and I won’t be backing out till the bitter end, no matter how terrible it gets. So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the newest trailer for season ten!

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Fifty Shades Darker Trailer

IT’S TIME. That’s right, loyal and long-suffering readers- the Fifty Shades Darker trailer has arrived, and my oh my, have I missed having something to direct my boundless fury towards. Let’s DO THIS THING.


0:07: “I want you back”- we don’t, mate, trust me.

0:17: Ana agrees to have dinner with him, but only because she’s hungry. But…not for food? If the books have taught me anything, that’s the case. Also, the smile Jamie Dornan has on his face here is the exact face the kid in We Need to Talk About Kevin makes when he shits himself to piss off his mother. The. Exact. Face.

0:24: Ana pays the bill, and Christian laughs- are they going to show the bit where he says that her paying the bill will “unman” him, or…?

0:30: “I’ve never been happier” than in this month-long relationship that has already been through a break-up that left you unable to eat for a week. Finally, something for women to aspire to!

0:34: “Slip out”. Is that a tagline they want attached to this movie? Slip out? Because…that makes me think of that awkward moment when a guy goes in for too hearty a thrust and ends up falling out of you. Just me?

0:44: She’s taking off her underwear under the table…but there doesn’t appear to be a tablecloth to shield them from the room full of other diners? So, is everyone just politely pretending not to notice than Ana has just dumped her panties on the floor, or…?

1:00: He jams his fingers up her in an elevator because he’s classy, we know the drill. You know the director of Glengarry Glen Ross is directing this tripe? Bloody hell.

1:02: This is the pool table scene, in which he spanks her a bit in a game room because HE’S SO DARK AND DANGEROUS AND KINKY.

1:09: Ah, Jack Hyde, the man who’s really only marginally worse than Christian and the main villain of this movie. I mean, he’s not the one who literally tells her not to “overthink this” when she turns down his advances and has sex with her anyway, but Christian has…muscles, I suppose,which makes it okay?

1:18: Nah, I think the first woman who tried to save him was his mother, who adopted him when he was a traumatized young boy and coaxed him out of his shell, eventually giving him the confidence to become a successful businessman. But you know.

1:21: Ana is briefly jealous of that helicopter because Christian refers to it with female pronouns and no, I’m not joking.

1:31: Ah, Leila, my favourite character, because she tries to murder Ana and/or Christian.

1:43: Does the guy playing Jack Hyde-don’t know his name, don’t care-look like a cross between Matt Bomer and Alexander Skarsgard to anyone else? Just me?

1:47: Ooh, massage oil, that’s how you KNOW he’s filthy-minded beyond all recompense.

1:1: I am looking forward to seeing Christian’s helicopter crash. I’ll just leave the cinema then and pretend that’s the end of the trilogy.

2:00: Aye, don’t fuck her or anything, that’d be rubbish.


2:22: “If something were to happen to you, I could never forgive myself” unless I inflicted i upon you myself, of course, which I will do repeatedly over the course of this story if it’s anywhere close to it’s paperback counterpart. As ever, you can read my full takedown of Fifty Shades Darker and it’s predecessor right here on this blog– and in the meantime, we shall all wait with baited pussies over the arrival of the only thing we as women are allowed to get turned on over, apparently.

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Wonder Woman Trailer

What’s this? Thursday and no American Horror Story recap? Nope, we’ll all have to wait, because there’s another Wonder Woman trailer that needs my attention!

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Rogue One Trailer

Well, good morning all- I’m up and about early for me (yes, yes, I know) because the cat just fell down the side of the bedside table in a shrieking, clawing mess and I had to rescue and then comfort her, and while I did so, lo and behold, I noticed that the new Rogue One trailer had been released. And who am I to pass up the opportunity to dissect it?

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Wonder Woman Trailer

Yes, this is my second post today. But I’m ill, and if I’d known the Wonder Woman trailer would drop today, boy oh boy, would I have conserved my blogging energy! Let’s take a look at the first take on everyone’s favourite Amazonian warrior.

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A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: The New Doctor Who Companion

Bitch, please, did you really think I was going to let the announcement of a new Doctor Who companion pass by without comment? I would have had this blog post up last night, but I was too busy drinking rum and being an indefensible bastard- and occasionally breaking to scroll through the Twitter reaction to this new casting. Opinion seems divided, so the best way to figure out precisely what I make of the new Tardis inhabitant is to take this teaser beat by beat. With me?

0:01: Daleks. Great. Can we get an original monster along with the new companion? No? Right, sorry, moving on.

0:04: RUNNING! Looks like she’s dressed sensibly for it- a mark in her favour. Ever since Black Canary was fighting crime in a leather corset and heels (HEELS), I’ve had a weird thing about outfits being fit for purpose.

0:10: In fact, can I just have her whole outfit? I assumed the wardrobe department for the Moffat era only had bottoms that ended about six inches above the knee, but apparently that’s not the case any more.

0:21: I’ve seen a lot of people throwing shade about Pearl Mackie’s eyebrows in this clip. I mean, they’re…there, on her face, I guess?

0:30: Now we’re actually getting some dialogue from her, I like her. I’m a big fan of the borderline-annoying, motormouth assistants (I miss you Catherine Tate), and she seems….(adjusts tie, sits up straight, makes sure everyone is listening)….to fit the BILL.

0:43: It’s pretty cool to see Peter Capaldi not trapped in the Saint Clara plotline any more, even if he is just breathing heavily and talking quickly here. He’s still an awesome Doctor, and it’s going to be fun to see him not bogged down by Clara’s physically painful arc in the next season.

0:55: I’ve seen a few people getting furious about the fact that the new companion keeps talking even as the Daleks bear down on the two of them, and to them, I say: fuck off. This is a two-minute teaser, and it’s aim is to introduce Pearl Mackie as Bill. Anyway, isn’t it kind of cool to see someone who laughs (or just talks super-fast) in the face of danger?

1:04: I liked that line. I will say that the dialogue for this segment isn’t great, but that Capaldi and Pearl Mackie are both pretty fun and they have an easy, chill chemistry which I could get behind. As opposed to having her be THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE EVER.

1:10: “I’ve always been too busy running away.” I mean, anyone who’s watched even, like, three of the six-hundred and forty-eight Dalek episodes knows that’s mostly a lie.

1:31: This is goofy as hell, and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. But considering the whole of last season was far, far, far too serious for it’s own good, maybe this is an improvement.


1:49: Could only afford the one Dalek for this, could they? Got a lot of saving to do for the actual season?

1:59: Overall? I like her. Sure, she’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but as an overly talkative, 25% irritating sidekick myself, I’m feeling her.