The Cutprice Guignol

Well, good morning all- I’m up and about early for me (yes, yes, I know) because the cat just fell down the side of the bedside table in a shrieking, clawing mess and I had to rescue and then comfort her, and while I did so, lo and behold, I noticed that the new Rogue One trailer had been released. And who am I to pass up the opportunity to dissect it?

0:02: Oh ho, is that the Imperial March I hear? MIGHT THERE EVEN BE A HINT OF VADER IN THIS TRAILER? (I know there will be. I’m just being a dick).

0:07: This guy looks as if his armour is, like, a size too big. Like his mum got him the next armour up and told him he’d grow into it, but he hasn’t yet.

0:13: I LOVE that shot of the Star Destroyer just wafting about. They’ve just got that inherent threat about them now.

0:21: Diego Luna! I called him being good all the way back in Elysium and I want you all to remember it.

0:40: I don’t think I’ve really spoken that much about Rogue One in the past, because I’m not dying of pumped like I was for The Force Awakens, but I am intrigued by Felicity Jones’ character here. She seems self-assured as opposed to going on a journey to discover herself, which is a cool step away from Star Wars’ usual plotting.

0:57: Aight, I can live with this guy. It’s not a Star Wars movie without someone droning on endlessly about what the Force wants, like the Force is a petulant toddler on the brink of throwing the mother of all tantrums.

1:03: THAT’S WELL ALAN TUDYK’S VOICE MATE. IT WELL IS.

1:05: I also really like the way that robot moves. I mean, I like anything even Alan Tudyk-adjacent, but it does look neat.

1:14: Ben Mendehlson! They’re really hitting all the main cast here, aren’t they? Does this mean I’ll get to see Mads, or…? No? Never, you say? Okay, then.

1:30: All these actions scenes look suitably cool.

1:34: Does that shot of the AT-AT getting shot by the rocket launcher make anyone else want to play Battlefront? Just me?

1:40: Armour-too-big-man still hasn’t grown into his armour.

1:46: Moderately keen on that shot of Felicity Jones facing off against a TIE fighter. Still a little sad that I’m not super-excited for this movie yet. I guess I used up all my patience with The Force Awakens, to be fair, and if I had to wait for a Star Wars movie I was dying over again it might actually kill me.

1:53: That “Star Wars Story” thing is dumb. It just is. I know why they had to tack it on to the otherwise fine title, to sell it to idiots that might not have otherwise known it was to do with Star Wars, but it makes it sound decidedly fan-fictiony.

1:56: IT’S THE BACK OF DARTH VADER’S HEAD! FINGERS CROSSED FOR A HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN COMEBACK.

2:03: This movie does look pretty great, and I’m excited to see how the cast come together. But I didn’t cry a little bit over this trailer like I did last time with The Force Awakens. Should I just stop going on about that movie now? Fucking probably, but I never will.