The Cutprice Guignol

You know that I only have two chapters of this abusive shitfest to go? And then it’s over? Do you have any idea how happy that makes me? You couldn’t possibly. I have never been as happy as I was when I realized that. So without further ado, let’s get this shitshow on the road.

The chapter opens with Ana having a dream about Christian feeding her, because she has a super fucked-up relationship to food. She wakes to find Christian wanting to go gliding with her, just like in that one dumb shot the Fifty Shades trailer showed over and over again. Ana asks if they have to leave so early, and Christian tells her that they do, and she asks if she can shower first, and Christian tells her that she can’t because he’ll be forced to have sex with her. So, that’s Ana’s backbone out of the way for this chapter.

Christian ponces about a bit, then him and Ana get in the car where he’s playing music from La Traviata. When Ana asks where she’s heard that name before, she realizes that she read the book it’s based on because she’s an agonisingly pretentious cunt. Seriously, these books have the idea that if you know lots about cultured crap, then you instantly get a pass on knowing how to act like a fucking decent human being. Because intellectuals like us can’t be expected to mix well with the lower classes. Right? Right?

Ana changes the song to Toxic by Britney Spears, and Christian is like “Oh b-t-dubz my ex put that on my iPod lol”. They get talking about his exes, and Ana once again manages to be a little bit xenophobic (talking about how “foreign” her name sounds, and conjuring up an image of a stereotypically hot European vamp) and incorrectly identify his molestor as his lover.

They arrive at an airfield and go gliding together, after Christian tells her that he wants “more” with her. It’s anal sex he’s talking about, I guarantee it. This is an erotic novel after all, and not just one where the characters scoot around in gliders, ri-

Ugh. They fly around a bit, Ana thinks about how she’s Icarus soaring close to the sun because if EL can do one thing, it’s beat a thematic element over the head till it’s got brain damage, then they land and Christian’s like “Was it more?” and Ana replies “Much more.” Which it isn’t, really, because they just flew around a bit. Nothing has been resolved. No-one has committed to anyone else. It’s just…gliding. EL James, once again, politely explains to us that her characters are in love, and she shouldn’t have to spend any time actually showing it because that would be gauche. Ugh, even for this book, that was stupidly pointless. I’m already regretting ruining my Sunday by reading this crap.

They go to IHOP-

Fooooood poooooooorn.

Christian casually suggests they fuck in the restaurant, but then a waitress comes over and gets flustered by “Mr Handsome”, which is about the lazily pet name ever. Honestly, I have seen some handsome men in my time, and I don’t think I’ve ever been genuinely flustered by any of them. How good-looking does someone have to be for your brain to go “HOLD THE FUCK UP, WE NEED TO PROCESS THIS AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR ABILITY TO SPEAK AND ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON”?

They flirt some more in front of the poor waitress, then get breakfast. Ana asks Christian what he wants, and he tells her that he wants her to be a submissive in the playroom, but everything else is up for negotiation. Ana says that she was scared he would leave if he didn’t agree to everything, and he says that he’s not going anywhere, much to my dissapointment. Ana offers to pay for breakfast, and this happens:

“”I don’t think so,” he scoffs.

“Please. I want to.”

He frowns at me.

“Are you trying to completely emasculate me?””

I LOVE it when my man is too much of a little bitch to let me pay for dinner. That’s how you know he AIN’T NO LADY.Christian takes her back to her mother’s, and Ana wonders why she wants to spend so much time to him. She surmises that it’s because she’s in love with him, and he can fly, both of which are incorrect. If the only way you can fly is if you’re in a glider, and the only way you can trick a woman into loving you is through emotional manipulation, you ain’t much of a catch in my eyes.

They email back and forth about how much of a gentleman he is,then we get to spend some time developing the relationship between Ana and her mother to give us a better look into the familial bonds that influenced Ana’s vulnerable personality. Oh, shit, no we breeze straight by that and on to Christian. Ana gets a job at a publishing company, and calls Christian to tell him. He says he has to fly back to Seattle because of a situation, which means that his wife has finally figured out what he’s been doing all these weekends away from home (I kid, but wouldn’t that make a maaaajorly more interesting story than this one?). They email back and forth some more about how much they like each other, and Christian evades her questions once more before sending her off to bed. And-hey, the chapter’s done? Only a few more pages to go, my sweets! Stick with me till the end of July, when this whole beautiful mess will be over and we can be together at last.