The Cutprice Guignol

The new Bladerunner 2049 sequel is out today! Let’s analyse some sweet, sweet neo-noir sci-fi goodness, shall we?

0:06: God, I hate that all trailers come with the requisite five-second intro for people who want to skip over it on Youtube. I know I’m being an old curmudgeon, but it always feels so clunky. Anyway!

0:14: Ugh, Denis Villeneuve is a fantastic director, and just with these couple of shots he’s proved himself a worthy successor to Ridley Scott. So much of the appeal of the first Bladerunner was in the grungy, rain-sodden look of the movie, and this fills me with confidence that this movie can repeat that.

0:17: FUCKING RYAN GOSLING. I was watching Fight Club last night, and my partner pointed out that if they were to remake it he would almost certainly play Tyler Durden, and he’s right and it makes me so mad. He’s the worst.

0:31: Aside from that, this seems to be hitting all the right points: stunningly beautiful, with an air of distinct unease and discomfort built of the back of it’s ambiguous morality.

0:40: I love the fact that even if you hadn’t told me what this trailer was for – even if I hadn’t known it was anything adjacently to do with Bladerunner – I would know what world it’s set in. Beating a dead electric sheep here, but those precise edges marred with grime and violence give me a cinema-nerd boner that never sleeps.

0:43: Was Ryan Gosling meant to have an expression on his face there? Because…had it not been for the blood, he would have just looked like he was having a takeaway order read back over the phone.

0:49: Blah, blah, a beautiful robot girl wants Ryan Gosling to touch her. Standard.

0:53: ARRIVAL WAS PRETTY MUCH THE BEST FILM OF LAST YEAR AND I’LL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

1:04: Oh, thank goodness, Harrison Ford! I was beginning to think they’d forgotten about him.

1:13: SHOOT HIM HARRISON! IT’S FOR THE BEST!

1:23: “I wanna ask you some questions”, hopefully about how to marry movie-star charisma with virtuoso performance because Ryan Gosling needs help with that. Nah, but I am excited to see how these two will work together, because Ford seems to be able to lift mediocre material and co-stars into something decidedly more interesting.

1:35: Some cool montage-y scenes, including ones of a more rural setting than we saw in the first movie, which I am all for. A sequel, no matter how long it took to turn up, should expand the universe and show us stuff we haven’t seen before, after all.

1:36: Fuck, that’s Jared Leto, isn’t it? Alright. I mean…I know he’s an okay actor, but what if he suddenly snaps and starts doing the Joker again? You wouldn’t put it past him, would you?

1:42: Harrison Ford running looks a bit goofy. He’s an old guy now, I often forget, but it does. Ah, who cares, I bet he’s going to be amazing.

1:50: FORESTS! GIANT HOLOGRAM GIRLS! DANCING PEOPLE! DAVE BAUTISTA, FOR SOME REASON! HAVE YOU PRE-BOOKED YOUR TICKETS YET?!?!

1:52: That was exactly Ryan Gosling’s face when he didn’t win the Oscar lol.

2:00: “I always told you, you’re special.” That’s exactly what made him a star in the first place! Don’t encourage him!

2:12: I mean, I was always going to see this film because it’s a fucking Bladerunner sequel directed by one of my favourite directors working at the moment, but Ryan Gosling is severely putting me off no matter how hard the film tries to convince me he’s something spectacular. I give it a midweek afternoon showing on a scale of prebook to boycott.