The Cutprice Guignol

IT’S TIME for another much-anticipated chance to suffer through force myself through agonisingly dissonance to watch enjoy the latest trailer for Zack Snyder’s newest release, Justice League! In case you missed it, here’s the writing I’ve done about the other DCEU movies, and without further ado, let’s get into this!

0:01: FOUR MINUTES LONG there’s not going to be anything sodding left to show in the CINEMA

0:06: This grinding guitar riff has just reminded me that the entire movie isn’t going to be just Wonder Woman’s theme playing over and over again and now I am sad.

0:25: Mindless, stylish violence in a Zack Snyder movie: checks out.

0:29: It’s very telling that they’re leading with Wonder Woman here – after the critical and commercial success of her standalone movie last month, it’s clear that she’s going to be a major selling point for this film.

0:45: There’s a lot of talk in this trailer about how the world is mourning Superman’s death, but, like wasn’t a lot of Batman vs Superman (and, indeed, Suicide Squad) about the fact that people were frightened of and distrusted him?

0:54: There are thigh muscles moulded on to the batsuit. Just so we’re all clear.

1:01: BRUCEFLECK! He looks as sad here as when he did those interviews after everyone hated BvS. LOL @ anyone who genuinely believes he might stick around beyond this movie; he’ll be out of there before a pen so much as imagines a paper for the solo Batman script.

1:13: I want to move to Thermyscira. That’s all.

1:25: It’s old hat now to talk about how outrageously charming, handsome, and charismatic Jason Momoa is now, right? Yeah, it’s been done. Whatever, he is, and I’m looking forward to seeing him make Aquaman the most-crushable hero of the DCEU.

1:44: Alright, I’ll hand it to them: that’s a GREAT shot.

2:01: Ben Affleck looks checked out in this trailer. I mean, not to suggest he was checked in for BvS, but still.

2:05: Ah yes, we’re about two-thirds of the way into this trailer so we’re about due for the trademark Descent into CGI Clusterfuckery that the DCEU seems so keen to inflict on us.

2:16: I LOVE WONDER WOMAN. Like, so much I feel deceptive still being in a relationship with my partner while also knowing she exists.

2:25: There’s still…very little for Cyborg in this trailer. I assumed after the first, Flash-centric one that they would all sort of get mini-intros with each new trailer, but he’s still oddly untouched on apart from shots of him stalking around trying to act through fifty percent mocap.

2:28: Ah, so THAT’S where all the charm Grant Gustin used to have as The Flash went. Carry on.

2:48: Blah blah, CGI. But we’re back on how great the world considered Superman which, you know, it just…didn’t? In canon, so far, the world has been broadly distrustful of Superman, with Bruce Wayne literally trying to get rid of him because of the destruction he caused. They can’t just have a portentous voiceover make me forget that.

3:08: Lots and lots and lots of action here, none of which particularly excites me, but your mileage may vary. I’m just long-since bored of grimly industrial action shot on practical greyscale, no matter how many Batmobiles dramatically swing through it.

3:19: I mean, Aquaman smashing through a building as he rides an enemy to the ground isn’t bad, I’ll give them that.

3:28: Nope, that batsuit still makes Ben Affleck look like a jowly toad.

3:32: That’s an …odd and unfunny sign-off. I get they’re trying to make The Flash quirky and comic-relief-y, but that didn’t land for me.

4:00: OH IS IT SUPERMAN, DID I GUESS RIGHT, DID I?!?!?!!?!?!?! I GUESS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEEEEEE

Overall I give it a 4/10, and every single one of those is for Wonder Woman.

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