The Cutprice Guignol

The Sixth Year: American Sigh Story

Category: TV characters I would fight

Movie Characters I Would Fight

So, I wasn’t sure where I should post this article, given that I run a movie blog and this is, you know, about movies. But I figured that this grinding, groaning grunt into the cinematic void should live with the rest of “I Would Fight” series, right here, on the Guignol. And, in classic Guignol fashion, we’re not talking about characters who are meant to be unlikeable, but rather the ones who I’m meant to enjoy and still want to beat into a sticky pulp with a two-by-four. Catch up on the rest of the series here – without further ado, to the list!

  1. Snake Plissken – Escape From New York

Honestly, I just wrote this article so I could share my headcanon about Snake Plissken in this movie which is honestly far worse than you remember it being: I believe that the character Kurt Russel plays is actually just some giant random loser fanboy who took on the Snake name to get laid and look cool, and never anticipated actually having to deal with anything on the level of the events in the actual movie. Does this actually track with much we see in the movie? No, but He’s a giant, posturing dork, and I will fight him, and I will win, and I will take his wardrobe because it’s pretty dope.

2. Batfleck – The DC Universe

With trembling fingers, I tapped my lover’s number into my phone, and pressed call. I squeezed my eyes shut. Please pick up, please pick up. It was so important, I needed him to know before anyone else. “Is it true? Is Batfleck really gone?”.

Yeah, I was pretty happy when Ben Affleck dropped out of the DC-verse, giving up his weary hold on the mantel of Batman, and for good reason. I’ve been stringently against his casting in the role since it was announced, and I’ve been proved right dozens of times over, in a greatest hits of nadirs that boggle the mind: dribbling on Gal Gadot’s shoulder, trapping himself inside his own awful suit like a jowly frog, sharing what I assume was meant to be “chemistry” (sp(?)) with Henry Cavill…I hate a lot about the DC universe (except Aquaman, that was a hoot), but this is a step too far, sir. I win by default, because I never had to shout “MARTHA” at a sentient chunk of handsome wood.

3. The Driver – Drive

Express an emotion, once in a while, you graceless fuck. Come on, what if I poke you with this sharp stick? Will anything happen to your face? Only one way to find out, get over here.

4. Sebastian – La La Land

Two Ryan Gosling characters, in my list? It’s more likely than you think! Where do I start with this motherfucker: from his attempts to educate a woman who expressed a dislike of jazz in REAL jazz, to his fucking bullshit “selling out” plot, to his punishing lack of charm or impressive talent, to that bit where he just leans on a car horn outside his love interests’ house…horrendous. Unacceptable. Agonizing. I’ll never go near a musician again, and it’s all this fictional fucker’s fault.

What movie characters would you take in a fight? I’m keen to find out – get your boxing gloves on and drop them in the comments below.

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TV Characters I Would Fight: Part Ten

If January is the month of being lightly depressed, then Feburary is the month of mild and indiscriminate anger. And what better way to honour that glorious tradition than with another instalment of TV Characters I Would Fight? Catch up on the last part here, and share the characters you would get into a dirty pub punch-up with below.

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TV Characters I Would Fight: Part Nine

“Lou, why don’t you just take some time off to relax, get your head together, work out your anger issues in healthy ways?” Because FUCK YOU, that’s why, I want to screech into the void about the characters who’ve been driving me nuts in the TV that I’ve been watching recently. You can catch up on previous entries to this ridiculous series made entirely from rage right here. On with the list!

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TV Characters I Would Not Fight

First off, my apologies for the lack of posting the last few weeks: work has been batshit busy, I’ve been travelling a lot, and it’s summer and hot and lovely so I want to be outside sipping on iced soy vanilla lattes and not glaring at Stephen King’s debut novel lately. But this month things are much chiller, and I’m hoping to finish up both the Carrie recaps and the Best Episodes Ever series, so stay tuned for that!

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TV Characters I Would Fight: Part Eight

I have my next one of the Best Episodes Ever series coming this week, I promise, and it’s going to be about Bojack Horseman so you can just go ahead and get excited about that right now. But I’m death-busy at the moment, which means that my stress levels have just been carving in a straight upward line and so it’s time to take that out on some TV. Yes, it’s time for another instalment of TV Characters I Would Fight! Without further, get drunk enough that you won’t feel the punches and let’s begin:

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TV Characters I Would Fight: Part Seven

So, after I actually enjoyed (?!) a superhero movie (?!?!?) I feel like it’s only right that I retreat to my normal headspace of, you know, hatin’ all over everything for kicks. And that brings me to another instalment of TV Characters I Would Fight. Oh, while we’re on the subject of series – I’m currently taking votes on what my next blog series should be now that my UnREAL recaps are finished and we’re drawing to a close on Riverdale, so hit me up over there if you have something you want me to cover! And we’re at lucky number seven this time around – but not so lucky for the motherfuckers I’m going to joust with over the course of this article. Fists up, shanks drawn, let’s begin!

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TV Characters I Would Fight: Part Six

That’s right, my esteemed blog series has returned: you might be here for the nuanced breakdowns of Stephen King or the in-depth analysis of Vikings, but if you’re really truthful with yourself you hang around this blog waiting to hear about which TV characters I would most like to get into a shoving match with outside a pub in the early evening on a Saturday night in my hometown. To the list!

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TV Characters I Would Fight, Part Five

Since Riverdale is taking a week off and I have a space in my blog schedule, I thought it was about time I indulged in another round of TV Characters I Would Fight (and certainly win against, because how could they possibly inflict any hurt on their favourite blogger?). Without further ado, let’s talk about the characters I would kick the crap out of given the chance!

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TV Characters I Would Fight: Superhero Edition

You guys seem to like this little feature of mine, so I thought it was time to produce a special edition of TV Characters  I Would Fight – namely, one that doesn’t solely include TV characters. Yes, it’s time to take a look at the world of superheros, and those amongst them I would fight the shit out of and win, provided they couldn’t use any of their special powers and also their limbs. To the list!

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