A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Batman Versus Superman: Dawn of Justice Trailer

by thethreepennyguignol

Look, I fucking hate Man of Steel. I fucking HATE Man of Steel. I’m not fan of Ben Affleck, and I’m not exactly warm to the idea of gritty reboots of reboots. But since I gave due attention to the Age of Ultron trailer (and quite enjoyed doing it) I’m going to stick with breaking down whichever superhero movie trailers seem the most brilliant or utterly shite. Where will Dawn of Justice fall on the scale? To the review!

0:08: Ooh, the colours are all slate grey. Ooh, we’re so SERIOUS.

0:18: That’s a cool shot. Everything is still distressingly grey, however.

0:23: Right, I promised myself two things before I watched this trailer. The first was that I would not get distracted by Henry Cavill’s devastating beauty and forget that he’s a bad actor; the second was to cast any notion of the phrase “Batfleck” from my mind.

0:24: God fucking damn it, Henry Cavill is some kind of man-god.

0:30: Oh, there’s a voiceover talking about absolute power (and to what extent it corrupts, but it’s pretty insipid and everything is still slate grey. When Superman appears onscreen in full garb, it’s like someone threw lemon juice in my eyes in terms of contrast.

0:52: The time passed uneventfully as arty shots of Henry Cavill happened somewhere in the corner of my eye. People are worshipping him, yada yada, Did anyone who’s excited about this see Man of Steel? Because they tricked us last time, and they’re trying to do it again. TAKE THE RED PILL. BREAK FREE OF THE CYCLE.

1:07: BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK BATFLECK-

1:08: God fucking dammit.

1:09: I’ll say this: I’ve liked Ben Affleck a lot more since Gone Girl, because that attempting-to-act-human thing fitted Ben Affleck curiously well, so I am not totally against his casting here. And of one thing I am certain: I will want to bang him, because he’s BATMAN.

1:10: Or is Abed Batman now?

1:20: Actually some cool explosions and stuff, everything STILL slate grey. I could see this being amazing at the cinema.

1:30: WAIT IS BEN AFFLECK THAT RIPPED NOW? HOW MUCH OF THAT IS THE BATMAN SUIT?!

1:34: Right, someone who cares much more deeply about this film than I do (and I mean that in the most complimentary way) pointed out that this shot is a rip-off of one from The Dark Knight, and it didn’t even work the first time. He’s right, now I look at it,

1:42: The two of them locking eyes for a moment would have been great, but there needed to be enough drizzle and slate grey to make sure the audience doesn’t accidentally rouse from their slumber and remember what Man of Steel was like.

2:00: 2:13 trailer my arse. They could have cut this ages ago, and stuck in the “No strings on me” ending from the Avengers trailer. Bish bash bosh, fixed it for you.

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