TV Characters I Would Fight: Part Ten

by thethreepennyguignol

If January is the month of being lightly depressed, then Feburary is the month of mild and indiscriminate anger. And what better way to honour that glorious tradition than with another instalment of TV Characters I Would Fight? Catch up on the last part here, and share the characters you would get into a dirty pub punch-up with below.

  1. Allen Francis Doyle – Angel

My dear, darling partner has been forcing me at gunpoint to finally engage with the Buffyverse, and blow me, I’ve actually quite enjoyed a lot of it. Yes, Angel still sucks as a character, but I actually don’t mind his show as much as I thought I would. Apart from Doyle. Fucking Doyle. Now, Cordelia is the high-femme lesbian top of my dreams and I will fight to the death anyone who declares otherwise, and seeing this badly-dressed twat hanging over her shoulder at every turn and going “aye, but you want it. You do. Don’t you? You want this. This being, my dick. Of course. Yes. I’m certain. I am.” is honestly just offensive to me. He’s fine when he’s not with her, but when he is, I just want to staple his lips shut to stop him slavering smugly over my beautiful girlfriend. See also: Cordelia not dating me directly is homophobia and I won’t stand for it.

2. Jimmy Collinns – Smash

Now, I’ve written before about my dark, sinful dalliance with the fag bin fire that is Smash, but I think it’s really worth getting into Jeremy Jordan’s offensively rubbish pseudo-leading-man as one of the main reasons the second season of this show sucks just a medically improbable amount of ass. As brooding leading men go, he’s one of the stone-cold worst I’ve ever seen – mopey, whiney, obsessed with his own perceived creative genius, he’s the cute guy who buys you a drink at a bar and then talks about his novel for twenty straight years before you realize you stopped listening after the first two sentences. Related: pre-order my book today!

3. Scrappy-Doo – Scooby-Doo series

I cannot BELIEVE it has taken me this long to actually put this little see you next Tuesday on these lists, but here, at last, we are. Growing up in my house, with my Scooby-Doo obsessed father as pop culture patriarch, the very words “Scrappy-Doo” were considered a vitriolic curse saved only for the fuckiest of shits. I was raised in an anti-Scrappy household and I will continue that prejudice until the day I die. The BEST THING about the Scooby-Doo movies (apart from Matthew Lilliard, swoon) is that they made Scrappy-Doo the villain he always truly was. I won’t say this often, but fuck this tiny dog. I hate him.

(header image via FanPop)