TV Characters I Would Fight, Part Two

by thethreepennyguignol

Thanks for all your lovely messages of support (and some frankly mean ones of snark, but hey) on my post yesterday, they are all much appreciated and spurred me on over my first major hurdle. And, in light of the fact I have the Not Smoking Rage, it seems as if now is as good a time as any to follow up on that TV Characters I Would Fight list from a few weeks ago, because I realized, with everyone commenting to let me know who they would pummel given the chance, that I had missed out on some frankly embarrassingly obvious choices. To the list!

  1. Barry Allen – The Flash

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Yes, Oliver Queen was on this list last time, but my dislike of him doesn’t come close to my OVERWHELMING hatred of Barry Allen in the last season of The Flash. His entire plot is just people lightly patting him on the shoulder and going “Don’t worry Barry, even though you’ve just done something unimaginably stupid, you’re still great!” while he pulls the sad puppy eyes at camera. What he needs is less sympathy and more a throwdown with the only blogger as irritating as he is, but except he’s not allowed to use his speed powers in the fight because that would be cheating. Also, you know – the Westallen thing.

2. Angel – Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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I wish I could make this picture smaller.

I actually cannot believe I forgot to put Angel on my last list, because if there’s a TV character I hate more than him, I’ve still to meet their unimaginably scummy selves yet. A mewlingly pathetic coat rack with an almost surgical lack of charm, played by a man so wooden he actually – and this is true – was replaced by a door for a whole episode and no-one noticed, I would fight Angel and I would win, because I’m a twenty-something woman who spouts a lot of pop culture references and therefore he would fall in love with me on sight (though maybe, as someone over the age of eighteen, I’m a little too aged for his centuries-old ass). I’m upset I have to live in a world where Angel exists as fiction, and somebody is going to pay for that. Him. He is. With punches. God, how can anyone give a shit about Angel when Spike is right there?

Honourable mention: I would also set an elaborate booby trap for Xander from Buffy, the outcome of which was him getting the flat side of a shovel to the face. Come to think of it, I’d fight most of the men from the Buffyverse, including Joss Whedon, whose spirit exists in all the worst ones.

3. Caputo – Orange is the New Black

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This one isn’t born so much from hate as it is from sheer fustration, because how often does the prison coordinator get so close to doing the right thing only to fuck it up at the last second? What he needs is me to lay out what he needs to do, except it’s punctuated by firm slaps to the face to get it through his head for once. Ugh, and as the denouement, I’d get him to just shave his head already and give up on his little tufts.

4. Dan Humphrey – Gossip Girl

New York, I Love You XOXO

Yes, Penn Badgley (I refuse to look up how to actually spell his surname as a matter of course) has great cheekbones, but Dan Humphrey had to be one of the most fustrating characters ever to continue to be relevant to a TV show I can recall – and not just because of THAT nonsensical reveal. For all he pretends to be an outsider, he’s just as entitled, whiny, rich, and irritating as all of the main cast. In fact, when the women were as much campy fun as they were (Leighton Meester, Michelle Trachetenberg, Taylor Momsen), why would you even bother with the men at all? Especially beat-poet-wannabe fuckheads swooningly distressed by the fact they were only upper middle class who didn’t even have the good manners to be as amusingly ridiculous as Ed Westwick. Dan Humphrey can get On the Road (hur hur) and outta here, or I will fight him and his stupid floppy hair and his great taste in jackets.

That’s me for this week, but I’ll surely be back as more people (men) that I hate come to me! What would you add to this list? And do you disagree with anything here? Let me know in the comments, and, as ever, you can support me on Patreon if you’d like to see more stuff like this!

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