The Cutprice Guignol

Right (drinks deeply from cheap pint) so (gestures wildly with lit fag) I have really strong opinions about TV characters, and basically, here is a list of characters I would strongly enjoy fighting provided that somehow we were relatively evenly matched and also they would let me win. To the list!

1. Oliver Queen – Arrow

Let’s get an obvious one out of the way: yeah, whatever, he’s a genuine hero with a potent moral code, gorgeous good looks, and the moves to back it up. But, right, his hair in those fucking wigs is terrible and every time that little dramatic furrow appears between his brows – you know the one – I feel this rage bubbling up inside of me. Not to mention, have you heard him when he’s trying to emote shoutily? That needs to end, pronto. In the interests of fairness, I would also fight The Flash.

2. Jon Snow – Game of Thrones

In case you hadn’t already realized, Jon Snow may actually be the worst character on TV. Not for any real reasons – at least, not anymore, since Kit Harrington has sort of halfway learned how to act and the show has started to do something with him. But for reasons that are all too clear in the raging fury-mire of my brain, I would fight the shit out of him, and his dumb hair, and his oddly pouty lips. Everything about Jon Snow is built to mildly annoy me, and somehow that’s worst than if he were just shite. I’d make sure there was no coming back this time.

3. Pete Campbell – Mad Men

A fight with Pete Campbell would be pathetic, just like him; there’d be shoving, hair-pulling, a few kicks thrown in when they were down. At least I’m meant to hate him, so the show has succeeded on that front, but I can’t think of many things that would give me more pleasure than to have Vincent Kartheiser come over to my house in character so I could repeatedly lightly slap him around the face while he tried to call me sweetheart.

4. Wes Bentley – American Horror Story

In any season, really, mainly to see if I could do anything to make his expression change or if his face was actually stuck like that.

5. Clara Oswald – Doctor Who

I can’t think of a character I was meant to like so much who I hated with such passion. (through no fault of Jenna Coleman’s, it’s worth noting) I can’t think of a more blunderingly incompetent (“I HAVE A DUTY OF CARE”) yet irascibly smug character who could use a small-to-medium thrashing from me to remind her that she’s following on from Donna and shouldn’t be so bloody pleased with herself.

6. Sherlock Holmes – Sherlock

I’m not sure if it’s him I hate or the scores of uppity, wildly annoying self-diagnosed sociopaths who’ve sprung from his existence, but I’m willing to throw a few punches to find out. Since you mention it, yes, it might be because he’s the closest thing to a fictional embodiment of my long-time nemesis Steven Moffat too, and I embrace that possibility with open fists.

Please, add to this incomplete list: which TV characters do you long to engage in a good old-fashioned fistfight?

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