The Cutprice Guignol

So, after I actually enjoyed (?!) a superhero movie (?!?!?) I feel like it’s only right that I retreat to my normal headspace of, you know, hatin’ all over everything for kicks. And that brings me to another instalment of TV Characters I Would Fight. Oh, while we’re on the subject of series – I’m currently taking votes on what my next blog series should be now that my UnREAL recaps are finished and we’re drawing to a close on Riverdale, so hit me up over there if you have something you want me to cover! And we’re at lucky number seven this time around – but not so lucky for the motherfuckers I’m going to joust with over the course of this article. Fists up, shanks drawn, let’s begin!

1. Jimmy Shive-Overly – You’re The Worst

Now, these lists are normally kept for people who I’m meant to like or at least sympathise with but hate anyway, but I’m willing to make an exception for Jimmy. I mean, it’s a testament to the quality of the writing and acting on TV’s most depressed sitcom that I hate Jimmy as much as I do, but honestly, I hate him so much that it makes watching the show a genuinely difficult experience. There’s just something about his very specific brand of “brutal honesty” and “all girls get off on this thing that I’ll do without asking” that makes me want to push an icepick into my brain to try and lobotomise the memories of every man I’ve slept with who is exactly like that and for that, he must pay.

2. Dean Forester – Gilmore Girls

I was thinking about this list last night, and for some reason, Sam from Supernatural kept popping into my head, but I couldn’t figure out why – until it clicked that it was holdover hatred for Jared Padalecki’s performance in Gilmore Girls that has me still simmering with rage. I’ve already covered why Rory herself is the certifiable worst, but Dean is not far behind her. Punishingly annoying, he’s a curtain-haired nightmare of a human who revs up into these uber-whine sessions that I swear to God one whole season of this show was dedicated to.  Sam Winchester doesn’t deserve to suffer for Dean Forester’s crimes, dammit!

3. Xander Harris – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Why will no-one date me? Why will no-one date me? Why will no-one date me? Why will no one date me? Why will no-one date me? Why will no-one date me?

Fuck Xander.

4. Lee Sizemore – Westworld.

Yep, I really have it out for arty men this week, get on board. Again, I get the feeling we are meant to hate Lee, but that doesn’t stop that aggressive groan-shout escaping my mouth every time he shimmies on-screen leaving a slugtrail of smarm behind him. Oh, you’re a creative man with an alcohol problem who treats everyone around you like that? Ground-breaking. Get your hands off Tessa Thompson, you little fuck, she’s Janelle Monae’s and we all know it.

5. Takeshi Kovacs – Altered Carbon (as played by Joel Kinnamen)

Maybe this is more of an issue with the casting over the character, but damn, it’s hard to think of someone I’ve hated with more impressive consistency that this broom with “Neo-noir protagonist” pinned to the top. Aside from a couple of slightly cool fight scenes, this iteration of Kovacs is limited to having abs and looking off-screen blankly as though he’s trying to make out exactly what’s written on a cue-card ten feet away. I mean, Joel Kinnamen is a trash actor at the best of times (anyone who’s seen Suicide Squad can attest to that), but I’m not sure even a great one could have saved this deeply uninspired character.

And that’s us this time around. What characters have you come across who you would fight the shit out of in the last few months? Let me know in the comments below, or come yell at me on Twitter about it!

(header image courtesy of The Billfold)