The Cutprice Guignol

First off, my apologies for the lack of posting the last few weeks: work has been batshit busy, I’ve been travelling a lot, and it’s summer and hot and lovely so I want to be outside sipping on iced soy vanilla lattes and not glaring at Stephen King’s debut novel lately. But this month things are much chiller, and I’m hoping to finish up both the Carrie recaps and the Best Episodes Ever series, so stay tuned for that!

As you likely know, I have a long-running series on this blog about TV characters I want to fight for various reasons. But this week, I want to do something a little different: I want to look at the TV characters I would certainly fucking not throw down with, because, for whatever reason, you know they’d fuck you all the way up. Not someone puny and pathetic like Oliver Queen or some shit, people who are just “strong” or “tactically trained in the art of discreet murder” – no, we’re taking this seriously. Without further ado!

1. Claudia – The Americans

Ooft, Margo Martindale might look like a humanised version of Miss Tiggywinkle, but every character she’s played in the last few years seems built to strike the fear of fucking God into me. And her take on Claudia, the handler of the central secret agents in The Americans (obligatory: Watch the Fucking Americans), is sincerely, upsettingly scary. Claudia is the utter definition of the Good Soldier, and she’d do whatever it took to make sure that you didn’t fuck with Mother Russia’s plans. And it also feels like she could actually set you on fire with a single glance, which would at least be a cool way to go. Of all the people in the world you could wake up and find standing over you when you’re asleep, Claudia is the most inimitably fucking scary.

2. Mariah Dillard – Luke Cage

I could take Luke Cage, no bother – bulletproof man? Nah, just jam your finger into one of his emotional wounds and jiggle it around a bit until he skulks off to sulk and forgets about you. But Mariah? Nah, fuck that. She might come across like a carefully-considered politician focused only on her public image, but she’s the kind of take-no-prisoners bitch who you cross once and spend the rest of your short life looking over your shoulder for. Or, she’ll just beat you to death with a bottle and cut out the middle man. Either or.

3. Constance Langdon – American Horror Story: Murder House

Honestly, aside from being one of Jessica Lange’s most soaringly brilliant performances (and that’s saying something), Constance Langdon is the femme fatale with a particular focus on the “fatal” bit. She might not do the deed herself, but with a dozen men following her around like a mooning murder train, you’ll get yours. Don’t eat her cupcakes, don’t talk to her children, or her husband, or go near either of her houses – don’t be in love with her, or not in love with her, or bear a blood relation to her either. It’s easy. You’ll be fine.

4. Floki – Vikings

Vikings is packed to the brim with terrifying warriors, but for most of them, murder is pretty routine and not really something to spend too much time dragging out – Floki is a little different. With his innate curiosity and slightly deranged nature, you know that meeting him on the battlefield wouldn’t be quick or easy. Honourable mention to Rollo, because, holy hell, have you seen that guy swing an axe?

5. Betty Cooper – Riverdale

You knew it was coming: my favourite show on earth features one of the most “FUCK no get her away from me” characters of all time, in the form of Betty Cooper. She’s all blonde hair and blue eyes and pastel sweaters and white teeth until she’s, like, suddenly decided that she has a remote reason not to trust you and starts stealing your hair to run DNA tests and alienating you from the people closest to you. And when it comes to hand-to-hand? We have no evidence of it yet, but we know for damn sure Betty’s fightin’ dirty, probably backed up by her brick-hucking, ex-gang member mother. You can keep it. She’ll probably somehow turn out to be the Black Hood, mark my words.

(header image courtesy of Glamour)