The Cutprice Guignol

I have my next one of the Best Episodes Ever series coming this week, I promise, and it’s going to be about Bojack Horseman so you can just go ahead and get excited about that right now. But I’m death-busy at the moment, which means that my stress levels have just been carving in a straight upward line and so it’s time to take that out on some TV. Yes, it’s time for another instalment of TV Characters I Would Fight! Without further, get drunk enough that you won’t feel the punches and let’s begin:

1. Will Schuester – Glee

Maybe this is cruel, because Will is the kind of character who’s meant to be more pathetic than anything else; a teacher, attempting to make a grab for his glory days by returning to the high school he attended as a teen to start of the Glee club where he once felt like such a success. But fuck, if Will didn’t so swiftly take a turn into the painfully annoying. From that notoriously cringe-worthy cover of Ice, Ice, Baby (don’t click that link, I’m begging you) to moving in on someone else’s fiancee to just generally being the saddest, most right-on git of the century, even my love for the sweet Matthew Morrison couldn’t stop this character taking a turn into punching bag territory.

2. Fred Andrews – Riverdale

Hey, Fred, there’s this hot new thing that some of the kids have been trying out: it’s called not being a relentlessly, punishingly boring back of discarded leather parts furrowing it’s brow at everyone who stumbles into it’s airspace. How about it? Huh? Also, plaid is for lesbians now, you need to let it go.

3. Alan Tracy – Thunderbirds

Look, I wrote about Thunderbirds a few weeks ago for my Best Episodes Ever series and I still love it dearly but boy-oh-boy did I forget how much I hated Alan. Blonde, blue-eyed, and perhaps an actual baby, Alan just spends most of his time, to my recollection, whining about how he never gets to go out in Thunderbird 3 and help out with the rest of the brothers. That’s because Thunderbird 3 is a spaceship, Alan, you dunce, and relatively few of the disasters that International Rescue deals with happen not on planet Earth – and even when they do, John, the far more experienced and level-headed space-brother, is there to deal with it. Sigh.

4. Christopher Moltisanti – The Sopranos

Maybe we fight a little. Maybe our clothes fall off. Cut me some slack, he’s a wreck with a big nose, exactly my type. Moving on.

5. Daniel Desario – Freaks and Geeks

For one, let’s get this out the way upfront: the Geeks are better than the Freaks and the show would have been ten times better if it had been entirely about them. ASIDE from that, there’s also James Franco’s impossibly annoying Daniel to deal with on the Freaks side of the spectrum: smug, entitled, and with the kind of face that would just so suit a small beating with the flat side of a shovel, Daniel is the worst kind of high school boy-brat and honestly getting through his punishing scenes with Linda Cardellini’s Lindsay was enough to get me to peace out of the show entirely.

And that’s us this time around. What characters have you come across who you would fight the shit out of in the last few months? Let me know in the comments below, or come yell at me on Twitter about it!

(header image courtesy of Spotern)