The Cutprice Guignol

I spent a lot of the last season of my Riverdale reviews annoyed that so many people seemed to be shitting on the show. “What more do you want?” I demanded. “It’s just doing what it’s always done! You can’t get mad at a show for doing what it set out to do!”

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It’s a strange episode of Riverdale, really,when the show seems to remember that it still has some vague tethering to the real world. Prom? Who’s that? Never heard of her, not in between the serial-killing and fantasy role-playing and even our heroes trying to boil people alive in hot tubs.

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Everything that matters in Riverdale happens after dark.

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Maybe you woke up, on the first day of this year, and thought “yes, this is going to be my year”. Maybe you worked hard. Maybe you really focused in on yourself, making your life happier, fuller, a warmer place for you to live. Maybe you really believed it was the year of you. 

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Alright, you know what? That’s it. I’m done.

I’m done trying to make sense of this show. I’m done trying to figure out what the best version of Riverdale is – I’m done lying awake at night imagining KJ Apa lurking at the end of my bed and croaking horrors about another fucking boxing episode. Trying to find logic in what makes Riverdale work is very possibly the reason that I am currently seeing a therapist. You look back over these recaps and tell me that they haven’t just been a desperate record of my personal descent into madness. I defy you.

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I just want to remind you up top that my fucking DEBUT NOVEL comes out in FIVE DAYS which means you just have a few days left to get it at a pre-sale 20% discount. Right here! Get on it! Go on!

This week’s outing, American Dreams, is Riverdale’s fiftieth episode. Which could be a chance for the show to pause and reflect on things – but instead, we’re gallumphing forward with the speed and control of a runaway hippopotamus. Let’s get into it, shall we?

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Every season, one episode has me capital-C Concerned about Riverdale. Is this show…alright? Do the people involved need help? Blink twice if you’re in danger, Madchen Amick. I’m calling your parents and staging an intervention.

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