The Cutprice Guignol

IT’S TIME. That’s right, loyal and long-suffering readers- the Fifty Shades Darker trailer has arrived, and my oh my, have I missed having something to direct my boundless fury towards. Let’s DO THIS THING.

0:02: OH THE UNIVERSAL LOGO IS IN SHADES OF GREY DO YOU GET IT DO YOU DO YOU GE-

0:07: “I want you back”- we don’t, mate, trust me.

0:17: Ana agrees to have dinner with him, but only because she’s hungry. But…not for food? If the books have taught me anything, that’s the case. Also, the smile Jamie Dornan has on his face here is the exact face the kid in We Need to Talk About Kevin makes when he shits himself to piss off his mother. The. Exact. Face.

0:24: Ana pays the bill, and Christian laughs- are they going to show the bit where he says that her paying the bill will “unman” him, or…?

0:30: “I’ve never been happier” than in this month-long relationship that has already been through a break-up that left you unable to eat for a week. Finally, something for women to aspire to!

0:34: “Slip out”. Is that a tagline they want attached to this movie? Slip out? Because…that makes me think of that awkward moment when a guy goes in for too hearty a thrust and ends up falling out of you. Just me?

0:44: She’s taking off her underwear under the table…but there doesn’t appear to be a tablecloth to shield them from the room full of other diners? So, is everyone just politely pretending not to notice than Ana has just dumped her panties on the floor, or…?

1:00: He jams his fingers up her in an elevator because he’s classy, we know the drill. You know the director of Glengarry Glen Ross is directing this tripe? Bloody hell.

1:02: This is the pool table scene, in which he spanks her a bit in a game room because HE’S SO DARK AND DANGEROUS AND KINKY.

1:09: Ah, Jack Hyde, the man who’s really only marginally worse than Christian and the main villain of this movie. I mean, he’s not the one who literally tells her not to “overthink this” when she turns down his advances and has sex with her anyway, but Christian has…muscles, I suppose,which makes it okay?

1:18: Nah, I think the first woman who tried to save him was his mother, who adopted him when he was a traumatized young boy and coaxed him out of his shell, eventually giving him the confidence to become a successful businessman. But you know.

1:21: Ana is briefly jealous of that helicopter because Christian refers to it with female pronouns and no, I’m not joking.

1:31: Ah, Leila, my favourite character, because she tries to murder Ana and/or Christian.

1:43: Does the guy playing Jack Hyde-don’t know his name, don’t care-look like a cross between Matt Bomer and Alexander Skarsgard to anyone else? Just me?

1:47: Ooh, massage oil, that’s how you KNOW he’s filthy-minded beyond all recompense.

1:1: I am looking forward to seeing Christian’s helicopter crash. I’ll just leave the cinema then and pretend that’s the end of the trilogy.

2:00: Aye, don’t fuck her or anything, that’d be rubbish.

2:10: LOTS OF DRAMATIC LOOKING IN PRETTY DRESSES.

2:22: “If something were to happen to you, I could never forgive myself” unless I inflicted i upon you myself, of course, which I will do repeatedly over the course of this story if it’s anywhere close to it’s paperback counterpart. As ever, you can read my full takedown of Fifty Shades Darker and it’s predecessor right here on this blog– and in the meantime, we shall all wait with baited pussies over the arrival of the only thing we as women are allowed to get turned on over, apparently.