The Cutprice Guignol

It’s Tuesday, the football’s on, and I have a large bar of dark chocolate to distract me from the cigarette cravings and the fact that my country just called for another fucking election. Let’s do this thing!

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Somebody get the epic eighties montage music on the go, we’re back for another chapter. And we jump right into things with some delicious Hannigram action as Christian wakes up next to Ana and starts groping at her;

“”What a tempting morsel you are,” he mutters.”

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They flirt a bit, and he smooches the inside of her thigh because he presumably thinks that’s where her vagina is and we thankfully cut away before we have to detail with anything too sexy. They get up and have breakfast. Well, no, Christian demands Ana eat-

“[…]Eat.” His tone is serious. No arguing with him.

“Okay! Picking up spoon, eating granola,” I mutter like a petulant teenager.”

Ah yes, romance, when you’re partner makes you revert to the days where you cared far, far too much about your fringe. Christian tells Ana she’s going to New York and that he wants her to come with him-

“Please. How can you expect me to run the business if I’m never there? I’ll be fine here. I’m assuming you’ll take Taylor with you, but Sawyer and Ryan will be here—” I stop, because Christian is grinning at me. “What?” I snap.

“Nothing. Just you,” he says.”

Oh Good, glad that’s been dealt with. Oh, wait, it hasn’t, Christian has just basically pointed at Ana’s dumb face going “hur dur pretty” and now it’s forgotten about. Ana is sad because the thought of flying has put her in mind of when my assasination attempt on Christian was nearly successful in his helicopter crash in the last book, but Christian assures her everything is fixed now-

“”Five people have been fired because of that, Ana. It won’t happen again.””

I like to think that Christian just walked into his office the next day and fired the first five people he saw, dusted his hands off, and marked it off as dealt with. That’s certainly the level of interest he’s taken in protecting his and Ana’s personal safety up until this moment.

Ana reveals that she found Christian’s gun, and Christian swiftly announces the fact that he doesn’t even know that it has a safety on it. Responsible gun ownership, woo! They go to drive to work, and Ana asks about Leila; Christian assures her that she’s in a secure facility getting the help she obviously needs. No, wait, he tells her that Leila is at an art college and that he’s keeping tabs on her through her psychiatrist. My mistake.

Ana gets to work and they immediately start exchanging some painful flirty emails. Ana has changed her name in her work email and this makes Christian happy. His staff like the haircut she gave him. Is anyone else forgetting what fun felt like? Seriously, it’s just them talking about her bum a bit and it’s a good chunk of the chapter. THE THRILLING TRILOGY CONTINUES! I can’t wait for this sequence in the film.

Christian goes on his business trip, and Ana is sad, but she gets to catch up with that raging slut cunt bitch  her best friend Kate. Of course, Christian is not happy about the fact they’re going out-

“”I thought Kate was coming to the apartment.”

“She is after a quick drink.” Please let me go out!

Christian sighs heavily. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he says quietly. Too quietly.

I mentally kick myself. “Christian, we’ll be fine. I have Ryan, Sawyer, and Prescott here. It’s only a quick drink.””

Man, I’ve been rewatching Neon Genesis Evangelion and it’s just the fucking best. Even if you’re not a fan of anime, it’s pretty much the greatest TV show I’ve ever watched and I’ll love it forever.

Right, so, Christian claims that Ana can’t go out because the “maniac” who arson’d his office is out there. It’s cool for Christian to fly across the country, of course, because it’s not as if the attacker came after his place of wo- oh, wait, he did. I don’t want to suggest that he’s just doing this to exert control over Ana, but oh who am I kidding of course I do because that’s what is blatantly happening here.

Kate turns up, and insists that Ana go out for a drink since she booked a table (since when did you have to book a table just to get a drink? Anyway). Ana eventually agrees after Kate “pouts prettily” at her because, repeat after me, Ana is a gay woman. They chat in the car on the way over and Kate reveals that she knows more about the Jack Hyde situation from Ana, because Christian would neeeever keep something from her when he could use the uncertainty to push his control on her.

They get to the bar and Gia Matteo the architect comes up;

“”Don’t talk to me about that bitch!” Kate splutters.

Kate’s reaction makes me laugh.

“What’s so funny, Steele?” she snaps, but not seriously.

“I feel the same way.”

“You do?”

“Yes. She was all over Christian.”

“She had a fling with Elliot.” Kate pouts.

“No!””

What a total cunt! Not only did she, uh, have sex with Kate’s boyfriend before Kate was dating him, but she did her job and was politely courteous towards Ana husband! Her her her, woman hating women is ironically the only way women in this book bond. I hope all of them choke on a bell hooks book. Ana tells Kate that she told that bitch where to get off;

“Kate gapes at me once more, stunned. I nod proudly, and she lifts her glass to salute me, impressed and beaming.

“Mrs. Anastasia Grey! Way to go!” We clink.

“Does Elliot own a gun?”

This chapter just took a dark turn. Nah, Ana is actually using that as a way to talk to Kate about Elliot’s view on guns, but I choose to read it as the start of some kind of antifeminist Thelma and Louise situation across Seattle. Ana drinks some more and then heads home where, of course, she finds that Christian has left her a bunch of angry texts;

“Sawyer tells me that you are drinking cocktails in a bar when you said you wouldn’t.

Do you have any idea how mad I am at the moment?”

(Sawyer is one of their bodyguards) Seriously? She went out with armed security, to a public place, for four drinks. She wasn’t playing Russian roulette in a smoky Slovakian bar drinking eighty-proof moonshine.

Ana gets home, and there’s a brief scuffle as the bodyguards note that something is amiss and then OH MY GOD, JACK HYDE IS SLUMPED ON THE FLOOR!