The Cutprice Guignol

March 18, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Community Season 6

A couple of years ago, I started watching Community. I’d caught a few episodes from the first series when it was first out, found myself ambivalent, and never tuned in, but a vague crush on Joel McHale joined with some idle Wikipedia browsing about what Chevy Chase had been doing recently led me back to the show. And I loved it. I showed it to everyone I knew, sparking off my own little study group of Community fanatics, head over heels for the fast-paced meta humour and Jim Rash in beautiful dresses (did you know Jim Rash has an Oscar for screenwriting? Every time he wanders on screen in another outrageous fantasy confection, my mind shouts “ACADEMY AWARD WINNER JIM RASH” at me and it becomes three times as funny). Then the fourth series spun around, and the loss of Chevy Chase weighed heavily on the show, even more so than the removal of showrunner and creator Dan Harmon. It still made me laugh, but it wasn’t as utterly memorable and instantly quotable as it once had been. The fifth series barely held my interest at all, with the incredible Donald Glover finding work elsewhere and only one or two episodes that I wanted to watch again-and some I could barely get all the way through. The whittling-down of the cast had me wandering the halls of Greendale Community College feeling a bit lost. Even Mike from Breaking Bad couldn’t save it.

This poster is a bit grim, all thins considered. Are the corpses of Donald Glover, Yvette Nicole Brown and Chevy Chase in the back of that car? We’ll never know.

So when I heard about the show’s cancellation, I wasn’t surprised or particularly disappointed- sure, it’s always a shame to see something you once loved go off the air, but I thought Community had it’s best years behind it. If it’s cancellation had saved something like Happy Endings or Suburgatory- both shows culled long before they went stale- I would have thrown Community on to the “out” pile in a second. But that didn’t stop a little quirk of interest when I heard that Yahoo had picked the show up, and would be producing the long-hoped for sixth season (#sixseasonsandamovie) and, like the good little drone I am, I watched the first two episodes when the came out in the middle of the night earlier this week. And I have some thoughts.

The first and most obvious problem is that the show is buckling under the weight of it’s own imagination. That hefty central cast that made up the first through third series-with seven main characters in all- helped the show bring all it’s crazy subplots and sub-subplots to fruition, because there were always people to throw themselves at whatever crazy shenanigans were sweeping the corridors that week. The show felt the loss of Donald Glover and Chevy Chase keenly and, with the amusingly-framed exit of Yvette Nicole Brown (the show’s secret weapon- her occasional bursts of darkness still remain the funniest parts of the early seasons for me),we’re left with only four of the original main cast as season six opens. Sure, in their place we’ve got Jim Rash and Kim Jeong stepping up to larger roles, and their characters are both well-written and superbly performed- but they’re not part of the group. They used to be there to roll by and spurt out a few lines of outrageous, plot-advancing dialogue (or occasionally stage keytar-themed takeovers of Greendale), and they’ve had a lot of the most jagged (and most entertaining) corners shaved off because they’re real-ish people now, people who need to carry plots and emotional arcs. I preferred them as unrepetent caricatures. Alright, I still did a spit-take the first time Jim Rash delivered a reverant “JESUS….WEPT” in the second episode, but it’s nothing on Dean Pelton having a Scorcese-inspired breakdown as he tries to film a new school commercial, or blackmailing Jeff into singing “Kiss from a Rose”. And that’s what my main issue comes down to with this season, and the couple that have preceded it; I never watched Community just because of the outrageous meta-commentary, I watched it because these were actually characters I liked and cared about and related to on some level (I hate to say it, but I’m somewhere between an Annie and a Britta, dating a Jeff-Abed crossover). Their chemistry was impeccable, and each time someone left a little bit of it was lost. This is no criticism to the remaining cast, but you can’t just pluck Monica and Joey out of the Friends group and expect everything to function the same- or be half as entertaining. The lack of cast- coupled with a longer running time of 27 minutes- leaves the show feeling a bit lost and a bit empty. There’s too much time to fill and not enough to fill it with, especially with A and B plots kind of being smushed together because there aren’t enough characters to separate them totally.

But that’s not to say that there weren’t some great moments in the show. Abed’s hilariously unsubtle listing of everything fans were worried about before the show came back was so on the nose that I had to roll my eyes and laugh along; Paget Brewster’s pragamatic Frankie was a welcome addition, a fun and surprisingly seamless entry into the Greendale world that proves they could probably pull off adding a few more characters to the show if they have the nerve and the willingness to piss off old, purist fans. Guest stars- although they occasionally clutter things up a little- were deployed well here, especially a glimpse of the lesser-spotted Nathan Fillion (also, guys, did you know Matt Berry is going to guest-star in this season? Hold on to your fucking hats, because it’s going to get SHOUTY AND FULL OF INNUENDO IN HERE) in the premiere. And, when it comes down to it, I did laugh a few times during these two episodes- the heartiest came at Ken Jeong’s calm description of a cat under a couch which was chewing it’s was through his hand, closely followed by the glimpse we got of Alison Brie’s folder. And while I found the plots less emotionally impactful than they once had been (the one with Britta’s parents was particularly “whaa?”-worthy), there were glimpses of the heart Community seemed to have lost over seasons four and five. Look, what I’m saying is that this might not be the old Community, and it might not even be the new Community they tried over the last couple of years, but maybe this new-new Community will be something to look forward to. Here’s hoping for six good seasons (and a movie).

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March 16, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 14

Once more into the breach, dear friends, and no, I’m not talking about Ana’s vagina. Firstly, I thought I’d bring new reader’s attention to my Fifty Shades movie review, in all it’s exasperated glory, and this more in-depth piece I did about Fifty Shades as a love story. After another week of being told I “just want my own Christian Grey” (haha KILL ME) it’s time to throw myself back into the seemingly endless cavalcade of terrible writing and dull sex that is my life. Wait, no, Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah, the second one. Definitely the second one.

OOOH HE’S SO CUTE AND DOCTORY

After Ana weeps herself into a coma (a girl can dream), we open the chapter on a bit of a naughty sleep fantasy that Ana is having about Christian where he hits her clitoris with a riding crop (well done, EL, you’ve once again correctly named the female anatomy!) and the author uses the word leather three times in one paragraph because WRITING. Ana heads through to the kitchen where Kate asks her how her dinner went, and Ana punches her to the ground for being a dirty whoreslut who doesn’t understand that Ana DOESN’T WANT TO BE ASKED ANYTHING EVER DAMMIT. Nah, Ana sidetracks her by asking if she wants to show Ana her speech for today, because Ana and Kate are graduating. Ana takes the time to think about herself some more;

“Deep down, I’m not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive- it’s the canes and whips that put me off. I’m a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain.”

Ana, ANA, for the last buggering time, if you don’t want to do this, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS. Run! Leave forever! If your needs and his needs are so different, somebody is going to have to make some serious compromises to make this work, and it’s not going to end well. Ana’s stepdad turns up, and she mentions that she’s wearing Kate’s dress, probably because that Hidenberg replica is too fat to fit into it from all the sperm she’s eating. I’m a little taken aback by how badly this section is written because, wow, occasionally I forget that EL James understands the difference between compelling plot and shameless page-fillers as well as she understands the difference between romance and abuse. Blah blah blah, Ana goes to her graduation, Christian is there (because he’s a benefactor for the college), the girls in the audience next to Ana comment on how panty-dissolvingly hot he is, blah blah blah. Ana tells them that he’s gay, and then catches his eye.

“Unbidden, I recall my dream for this morning.”

I would tattoo this face on my face.

That’s weird, because here I was picturing Christian demanding that you remember that dream you haven’t told anyone about, so it’s good to know that it just popped into your head like that. Vital use of words there, EL. Ana listens to Kate give her speech, and is surprisingly kind about it, and for some reason every time Ana compliments Kate now I can’t read it as anything but a little sapphic. Damn me and my giant lesbian-tinted glasses. Christian comes on and does his great big speech about saving the world and feeding the hungry (by ordering an entire menu’s worth of food because he couldn’t be bothered sticking his head into the shower, but whatever) because he himself has known what it is like to feel hungry. Look, I know this line has to do with his abusive childhood, but when this happens:

“My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap.”

Look, I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but when the first Harry Potter films came out when I was but a bairne, I had a big crush on Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid. There was never anything sexual about it, but I just want him to cuddle me. That Christmas, the only thing I wanted was the Hagrid’ house Lego Set that came with a special Hagrid figure that was slightly bigger than normal Lego figures. I still have Lego Hagrid. This caption kind of got away from me. Why are you still reading this? Go back to the recap.

– I can’t help but snigger because now I’m picturing the entire rest of the book being made up of Ana being bowled over by the revelation that Christian has felt things like other humans sometimes. “Christian was sleepy? Christian was a bit thirsty? Christian really fancied a can of fruity Fanta?” (look, my period cravings are my period cravings, shut up). I guess, like me, Ana had assumed he rumbled round like a remote control car on a battery of horniness, occasionally parking to crack one out so he didn’t get overheated. He finishes the speech, and they begin the “tedious process” of collecting their degrees. I can tell you this for free: when I pick up my honours next year, I will be sprinting towards that stand like Barry fucking Allen and vaulting my way into a flat in Spain with my boyfriend and my cat. There will be nothing tedious about it. Christian quizzes her on why she hasn’t returned his emails when she collects her degree, because he can’t bear the thought of anyone knowing about their relationship except the potential hundreds of faculty, students, and family who are at this event. Kate comes to get Ana after the ceremony because Christian wants to see her. He takes her to the men’s locker room, and locks the door. Yeah, that’s right- he takes her away from her friends and family, then locks them in a room together.

Christian demands to know why he hasn’t returned her calls, snaps at Ana when she reveals that Jose services her car (I accidentally wrote that as cat, and just as I did so-)

Kitten will not be having this ignoring her to get work done pish. IT WILL NOT STAND.

then demands to meet her stepfather. Ray (her stepdad) agrees to grab a drink with Christian and Ana, and Ana internally freaks out when she realizes that the wine at the party is cheap. HEAVEN FUCKING FORFEND THAT ANYTHING LESS THAN LIQUID GOLD SHOULD CARESS THE PILLOWY LIPS OF CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKING GREY. Kate’s brother turns up and hugs Ana, and Ana comments that the family resemblance is striking even though she’s met him a few times before. Yeah, every time I see my mother, I think “Wow, don’t we look alike?”. Christian is not happy that Kate’s brother Ethan has his arm around Ana, and holds out his hand to her and calls her “baby”. She swoons internally, because she obviously hasn’t noticed that this certainly isn’t an act performed for the rival rutting male in the group since he hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with the endearments of late.

According to the text, Christian begins outright flirting with Ray while Ana loses her ever-loving shit at Kate for referring to Christian as her boyfriend. Once all the unbearable friends and family have drifted off, Ana and Christian discuss the contract more. Christian tells Ana that she “knows it’s going to be good, don’t you, baby?”, which, without the term of endearment, is more or less how my parents tried to convince me to get braces as a child so my teeth would less fucked up (I never did; my mouth is clinically too small and I’ve had to have a number of teeth removed so they don’t start exploding out of the front of my face or something. I was usually too scared at the dentist to actually pay attention to anything that was being said). This chapter just doesn’t end, does it?

Ray announces that he likes Christian because “anyone who knows and likes fly-fishing” is fine by him. Ignore the fact that your daughter is clearly nervous around him , why don’t you? Ray leaves, Ana cries, Christian makes more comments about how shitty Ana’s car is, and they exchange some more emails wherein Christian announces his coming over (her tits. Kidding, nothing that hardcore happens in this trilogy!). The chapter ends with EL James clicking on that SparkNotes bookmark once again, and quoting directly from Tess of the D’urbevilles.

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March 13, 2015

Why Feminists Should Watch Sexist TV

I spend my entire life hunched in front of a screen, and that isn’t something I’m ashamed to admit. I work as a freelance writer, and most of my money comes from reviewing TV shows, movies, and various other little offshoots of pop culture. And that was all well and good, until I became a feminist.

Last year, I had my big feminist awakening, which began with a few quiet mumblings about the representation of women on TV and grew into an all-encompassing ideology that permeates every part of my life, and, for the most part, I love that. But it’s made my job- which essentially amounts to pointing and laughing at bad TV, and screaming the praises of Hannibal from the rooftops- that much harder. Because sexism of TV kind of comes with the territory, and it’s impossible to turn off those feminist spidey-senses that start tingling whenever there’s a sexist representation or stupid trope or annoyingly retro stereotype on display onscreen. So, can you enjoy the shows you love and still get your feminist card punched? Well, I certainly think so- in fact, I think that it’s important for feminists to engage with sexist television.

With so much casual sexism at play on TV, it’s basically impossible to find a TV which has spotless feminist credentials (for my money, Sleepy Hollow is one of the few shows that pulls the elusive mix off). But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to enjoy sexist TV . The issue here is balancing the critical part of your brain with the one that just wants to be entertained, and it doesn’t mean that you have to wave goodbye to America’s Next Top Model, The Big Bang Theory, or The Bachelor in the process.

It can be difficult, in an era where being a feminist has become a loaded weapon of an ideology that spurs vitriol whenever it’s brought up, to accept that we live in a very sexist society. So sexist that most major forms of entertainment are going to be sexist in some way. Is that okay? Of course not, but millions of us all over the world engage with pop culture, and that makes keeping impeccable feminist mindsets almost impossible. And that’s why many of us, rather than speak out about the sexism in the shows we love, choose to shun them into a “guilty pleasure” corner, which gives creators further free rein to produce content that reinforces damaging stereotypes because hey, no-one’s taking this stuff seriously, are they?

So, how do you engage with sexist TV without letting it get the better of you? The balance that I’ve come to terms with in my head is being able to acknowledge sexism, and identify why it’s bad- which is always a useful little defence mechanism when someone demands that you explain why Game of Thrones is sexist (because, well, duh). I’ve honed down the innate ability to separate sexism from what I enjoy within TV shows, and appreciate that the people behind these productions aren’t necessarily raging sexists by proxy, but just misinformed and probably relying of stereotypes because they’re a quick way to get a character across in a limited timeframe. You can get pissed off that Penny in The Big Bang Theory goes to college so she can be smart enough to date her boyfriend, and still find Sheldon utterly hilarious. You don’t have to boycott shows that subscribe to sexist stereotypes, as long as you’re confident in calling out the casual sexism that’s rife on television screens today. It’s important that we take television shows seriously, as they can bring together people from all over the world and stimulate fascinating conversations about the nature of the characters and the way the show is created. And by admitting that hey, I like X crappy sexist TV show too, we can start dialogues with over fans about sexism and feminism on TV. Pop culture is something that almost everyone in the world has access to on some level, and that makes it a perfect place to start conversations about innate sexism in our culture.

For me, it boils down to that irritating chant of “if you don’t like it, don’t watch it” that’s directed at people who point out sexism in popular entertainment. If I decided to boycott every single show that depicted sexism in some way or another, there would be a lot less reason for me to have Netflix. A show can still be really entertaining, or well-made, or interesting, or thought-provoking, while still tapping into stupid sexist stereotypes that would rile up any feminist. Maintaining my job as a critic hasn’t required me to switch off my feminist side when I watch sexist TV, but rather to engage it even more than usual. Because it’s vital that we keep watching, critiquing, and reporting on sexism in pop culture, and the only way we can do that is by understanding the universe the show has created and looking at it from an authentic fan perspective. So, don’t be afraid to stick with your guilty-pleasure sexist TV shows- just be prepared to bring the small screen to account when it needs it.

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March 11, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Family Guy

This article has been a long time coming. Because I have some fucking strong feelings about Family Guy.

This is a show that I came to with very few preconceptions about; I knew nothing about Seth MacFarlane, and nothing about the show except that it operated in American Dad-style dark humour and that Mila Kunis had something to do with it somewhere. I want to make it clear that I didn’t come to this show already intending to hate it. No, Family Guy earned that on it’s own merits.

I think what fustrates me most about not liking Family Guy is being told by fans that I just don’t “get it”. Look, I do get it. It’s not hard to get. Look, there’s a character saying something outrageous, and it’s funny because we, the audience, understand that that’s an offensive or misinformed viewpoint to hold! Wahoo! Forgive me while I check to see if my sides have split. This isn’t “dark” humour; this is humour that offends me by being so unoffensive. If I want to be offended and shocked to my very core, I’ll read the UKIP mission statement; this is boring in how obvious it’s targets for “satire” (I apologise to the word satire for having to appear in that sentence) are. If you’re trying to offend me- a lily-livered liberal- go ahead and smack me round the face with something really outrageous, something that might actually make me do that awful, shocked bark-laugh I commit to when I’m watching genuinely dark comedy (see: League of Gentlemen). It’s like the writers were putting together the scripts when someone whispered the word “edgy” three streets away. Excuse me while I retire to my fainting couch.

And those few times that Family Guy does actually manage to make a “joke” so offensive that it actually bothers people, there’s nothing funny about it. Offensive humour, if it’s as clever as Family Guy intends to be, needs to properly and brutally satirise a deserving target and not, say, Michael J Fox (stay classy, Seth). An episode about domestic violence- which featured a handful of well-presented good points about the issue- invited the audience to point and laugh at a woman deep in denial about the abusive nature of her relationship, and later featured a scene where said woman was dragged from the room and beaten within earshot. Ho ho, gather round, one and all, and let’s all have a good old hoot at the victims of domestic abuse! A song and dance number featured a line in reference to Terri Schiavo, a woman who was the subject of a lengthy and emotional desicion regarding whether or not to switch her life support off after a heart attack put her in a permanent vegetative state: Terri Schiavo…the most expensive plant you’ll ever see”. In an episode that feature a transgender person, an episode which MacFarlane himself touted as pro-transgender, a character vomits for a straight thirty seconds once they’ve heard that they had sex with a transgender person. Now, arguably, there’s an attempt at satire here, but when several LGBT communities lashed back at MacFarlane for the episode, his response (as a strong advocator of gay rights) was “That surprised me. I don’t meet a lot of stupid homosexuals…Brian happens to be a heterosexual character, as I am. If I found out that I had slept with a transsexual, I might throw up in the same way that a gay guy looks at a vagina and goes, “Oh, my God, that’s disgusting.” It’s just the way we’re biologically wired. They should give that another look.” I admire someone so willing to stand up for their show, but when you produce a episode that you’ve waved about as a good thing for a marginalised group of people, when that group of people says “hey, we thought that was actually pretty offensive”, your first reaction shouldn’t be to talk about how smart homosexuals are (I don’t see how that’s relevant at all in this answer, and I’m not taking it out of context-read the full interview here), and then to explain the joke and say that they should just look at it again until they see the joke. You can’t set out to offend people, then get defensive when they get offended. In the same interview, Macfarlane talks about how he and the writers decide which jokes make it into the show: “Is it smart enough and funny enough that it warrants being as abrasive as it is?” The answer, generally, is a pretty hard no.

But fear not! It’s not as though ALL the humour revolves around being deliberately offensive. No, we get pop culture references. Plenty of those! Sometimes entire music videos crammed into the middle of episodes for no reason other that to fill space, apparently. But the joke ends once the reference is made. It’s like someone running up to you and yelling “A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR…THE EIGHTIES”. The Simpsons mastered the sublime art of the comedic pop culture reference decades ago, with everything from Homer’s mournful desire to watch Sheriff Lobo to Burns hustling his flying monkeys out of the power plant window. You’d think Family Guy might have picked up a few tricks in between blatantly ripping off The Simpsons, but you’d be wrong. These pop culture references often tie in with the endless cutaways, which ultimately serve to prove nothing more than that the Family Guy writers can’t make one story funny, so have to resort to jumping away from it and into something else to get a laugh.

Look, I’m not saying you specifically are an awful person for not liking Family Guy, and I will not hate you on principle for it. Just, for the love of fuck, never tell me that the reason I don’t like it is because I don’t get it. Because presumably the thought of me understanding it and still thinking it’s a pile of steaming crap might be too much for you to handle.

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March 9, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Thirteen

Well, I’m still making some pretence at sticking to the schedule, so here we are again on Monday recapping Fifty Shades. We’re on to chapter thirteen now, and it’s just as unlucky as the previous twelve. We left off with Christian and Ana attemtping to thresh out some deal over the relationship agreement, and the chapter opens with Ana waking up and having to hear about why her mother won’t make it to her graduation. Apparently, her step-father has twisted a ligament or something, but in reality Ana’s mother probably can’t be fucked traipsing all the way up to her daughter’s graduation while she stares moodily off into the distance wondering if Grey’s going to dick her any time soon.

Pictured: a Moody look. GET IT? GET IT?!?!??!?!

Ana recieves an email from Christian, reminding her the meaning of the word submissive and imploring her to bear it in mind for their next meeting even though, hey, Ana still hasn’t agreed to the terms of the contract or to be his submissive! Ana insists on driving, because she apparently needs “a quick getaway”. Honestly, I feel like EL James was trolling the lot of us with this pish, wandering around and telling everyone that no, of course she didn’t write about an abusive relationship, what is everyone talking about, while giggling to herself and rolling about on a pile of money like Ranier Wolfcastle.

Couldn’t find appropriate Wolfcastle gif; after a long and arduous search, this will have to do.

Ana does some packing, then goes to bed before she heads out to work the next day. The boss’ son is there, and follows her about being a total dick because apparently no men that Ana isn’t related to can act in even a vaguely acceptable fashion around the most perfect specimen of human femininity that has ever existed.

“Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.

“No, you don’t. You’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me…”

WAAAA-AAAA–AAAHHH AAAANNNAAA WHHYYY WOOONN’TT YYYOOOUUU TTAAALLLKKK TOO MMEEE WWWWAAAAHHHH

Seriously, can we just have one exchange with a guy who isn’t Christian that doesn’t end with the guy pathetically and creepily hurling himself at Ana’s feet? Just one? Can we? Also, fuck you, Paul, if you think that the only way Ana can weasel herself away from you is by dating someone else. Maybe she has a date because she just, I don’t know, has a date? Not because she’s pulling some elaborate scamola on you? Urgh, this book, I’m telling you. A weight on my soul.

Ana gets ready to meet Christian to negotiate the contract, and thinks to herself ” I don’t wear make-up- it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up” and I get annoyed because Ana is about to graduate with a degree in English Literature and she apparently is still stuck in the Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte phase. When I was studying English at university, the majority of the novels we read were from the past fifty years, so forgive me if I don’t believe that the only women Ana could find to look up to in litreature were from two very easy-to-Sparknotes novels.

Ah, this Kermit gif never fails to fill me with girlish glee.

Ana and Christian meet at the bar of his hotel, and dicuss the contract. Ana briefly grows a backbone as she points out that the contract was legally unenforceable, and asks if he planned to hold it over her head anyway. He doesn’t answer that, and instead insists that relationships with submissives are built on trust and honesty, two things which Christian has earned 100% so far. Oh hang on a second.

Christian discovers that Ana hasn’t eaten (I’m so done with this not eating bullshit; like crap did she forget to eat for a full day and then drink wine on top of that and be a-okay), and decides to take her to his private dining room after Ana suggests that stay on neutral, public ground. Christian asks if she really thinks that would stop him, which begs the questions, stop him from what? Eating? “Oooh yeah, baby, I’m going to eat the shit out of this venison and drink the ever-loving fuck out this wine in front of all these people and there’s NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT”.

Christian tells Ana he’d ordered already, and she’s releived because she doesn’t think she could make any more decisions today. Which is the perfect mindset to be in when negotiating the terms of your BDSM contract, amrite, ladies? And it also begs the question: what the Christ have you been making decisions about so far? I think we need to go in the vein of another literary heroine, and lock Ana in the attic for her own good, because her brain is clearly wasting away like a mound of wet bread.

Whether or not I already had this picture saved to my laptop is neither here nor there.

Their oysters arrive, and Christian tells Ana to tip and swallow, which is hilarious because OMG SHE GAVE HIM A DIRTY BLOWJOB OMG. I misread a line about Christian squirting lemon juice into his own eye and am temporarily thrilled beyond belief. They continue negotiations, and Ana comments on how she’s feeling railroaded. BECAUSE HONESTY AND TRUST. They agree that Ana can eat and sleep what and when she wants, and Grey comments on how he wants to peel her out of her dress. Ana thinks “Sex, his most potent weapon, used against me”, because viewing sex as your partner’s offensive of choice is a healthy way to see your relationship. Just ask EL James, if she can hear you through the fistfuls of twenty-pound notes she has crammed in her ears. Christian has some thoughts on whether they should bone;

“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those desicions, all the wearying thought processes behind them. The “is it the right thing to do Should this happen here? Can it happen now?””

Notice that none of those questions is “do I want to do this?” and hey, once again, ANA HAS NOT AGREED TO BE HIS SUBMISSIVE. That might be something like what sex would be like if they WERE in a BDSM relationship, but they’re not, and Christian is using that to levy Ana into sex to distract her from her apprehension about the contract. It’s a shame in some ways, because if I see Jamie Dornan in the street, I won’t be responsible for my actions, because he’s the closest thing to a living embodiment of Christian Grey that exists and I so, so want to punch Christian straight in his stupid, pretty, rich face.

Anyone else re-watching Dexter to get them through the long, lonely nights…?

Ana decides that she wants to have some space after the intense conversation they’ve had (yay personal agency!) and she actually gets up and leaves. She worries about their future together, and panics about three months of stuff she’s “not sure” she wants to do. She cries in the car all the way home, which marks us up to the third time she’s left a meeting with Christian in tears. At this stage, if the rest of the book isn’t Ana skipping off to follow a post-college career and forgetting about Christian forever, because they’re so poorly matched. Something tells me, however, that this may not be the case.

Pictured: Me, reading this book and knowing I have hundreds of pages of abusive bullshittery to get through yet.

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March 8, 2015

Popjunk Reviews: Fifty Shades of Grey

I take on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, because my lust for masochism knows no bounds.

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March 7, 2015

Your Watchlist for International Women’s Day 2015

Hey, did you know that tomorrow (March 8th) is International Women’s Day? I think that might well be a cause for celebration, so I’ve compiled a list of appropriately feminist TV shows for you to enjoy on my second-favourite Sunday of the year (you’ll never know what takes the top spot, so stop asking). Recommended with ten litres of wine, several cats, and maybe a rampant rabbit or two just strewn about for scenery (because I’ve been re-watching the atrocious Sex and the City, and dildos = empowerment). Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Women’s Day tomorrow!

1. Transparent- TV Show, availible on Amazon Prime

Ah, Transparent is just straight-up amazing, and a great big fuck you to all the Terfs out there today (that’s trans-exclusionary radical feminists, fact fans). The powerful tale of a family patriarch who becomes a family matriarch (played by the incomparable Jeffery Tambor, of Arrested Development fame), it’s a fantastic and fascinating balance of a whole family and the individual stories that spring from within that family. Taking on gender in all it’s forms, no-one is excluded from proceedings here, with depictions of gender and sexuality open-ended and treated with respect and a very dry sense of humour. There are no dud characters across the whole show, but the leading women are a particular standout because they’re represented as just as flawed and strong as the rest of the cast. Which is basically what feminism is to me.

2. Orphan Black

Side of science fiction with that feminism, sir? This is an odd choice ,because all the female leads are essentially played by one actress, Tatania Maslanay (in fact, I’m being played by Tatania Maslanay right now). And I kind of like that choice-not only does it work in the context of SCARY CLONE NONSENSE, which drives the plot, but it goes to show that there are a number of actresses who can literally do anything, anytime, anywhere, and Tatania Maslanay is amongst them, taking on everything from suburban soccer mom to lesbian biologist to low-level British con artist. This is feminist TV in action both on screen and off, with amazing characters given to amazing performers regardless of gender.

3. Parks and Recreation

For my money, this is pretty much the most outrightly feminist TV show America has produced in years, and that’s almost entirely thanks to Amy Poehler. Both on and off the screen she’s the boss, depicting a woman who’s smart, ambitious, and intelligent, but also romantic, compassionate, and loving, and, above all, fucking hilarious. I can’t bring to mind any other female character on TV who’s been given that kind of leeway in a mainstream American comedy. A flawless cast of slapstick performances make up the backdrop, and, if all else fails, Ron Fucking Swanson.

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March 4, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: The New Avengers Assemble: Age of Ultron Trailer

Yes, I said I’d be using this slot to rip the piss out of/shower praise on new TV shows I’d been watching, but this opportunity was too good to miss: as I sat down to write this, Marvel released a new Avengers Assemble trailer for the May 1st release of Age of Ultron after encouraging Twitter users to tweet using #avengersassemble to unlock the clip (on a side note, it would have been the funniest thing in the entire world if not enough people had tweeted that, and Marvel had been forced to slink into a corner and upload the trailer anyway. Luckily, fanboys/girls exist). So I thought I’d do a real-time reaction review for your reading pleasure? Ready? Let’s begin.

0:02: Appropriate for all audiences? Boring. I wanted to see Hulk dick.

0:12: URGH JAMES SPADER’S VOICE YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Y-

0:13: Oh, there’s the brilliant Elizabeth Olsen as the Scarlet Witch, and Not Evan Peters as Quiksilver. It was tragic, really, that Aaron Taylor-Johnson had to take on this role, as the post- Kick-Ass careers of both men have proved that Evan Peters can act Tayl0r-Johnson into the ground. His Quiksilver was by far and away the best thing about Days of Future Past.

0:28: While I’m gutted that James Spader isn’t actually on screen for any length of time (and that Paul Bettany is relegated to voicing a computer system), the obligatory trailer shot of the robot switching on and doing something a ROBOT SHOULDN’T DO is actually pretty sick.

0:35: Whenever I see the big boomy explosions shots in superhero movie trailers, I’m always reminded of Homer Simpson lying in bed, pretending to fart and shouting “KERBLAMMO!”. Don’t know why.

0:41: Ah, I like that the Avengers- who certainly don’t have ANY ENEMIES-advertise their headquarters with a massive A on the side of a building. Sneaky wee fuckers.

0:48: Mark Ruffalo’s line reading of “Artificial intelligence” made me cringe. Maybe because I’ve just seen Foxcatcher and know that he’s going to be underused in this movie. Maybe because I forgot he was in it. You don’t know.

0:54: WAAAAAAAY THOR!

0:55: WAAAAY CAPTAIN AMERICA!

0:56: “I’m sick of watching people pay for our mistakes” That’s very generous of you, but this was clearly Tony Stark’s mistake. Or are you talking about the people planning to pay money to see this movie? (ZING)

1:01: I FUCKING KNEW THEY WERE SETTING SCARJO AND THE GRUFFALO UP FOR SOME LOVE ACTION.

1:02: I think someone genuinely owes me money for being right about that.

1:07: Wait up, Wolverine claws?

1:08: WHO CARES THAT SHOT IS AMAZING

1:09: Oh, fuck me, aye, Jeremy Renner’s “in” this movie, isn’t he?

1:16: Quick shot of Thor with no top on because Joss Whedon knows what the fans want, also, luscious fucking locks, whichever Hemsworth you are.

1:17: If you squint just right, you can make out Hawkeye in two consecutive frames!

1:32: QUIPS! QUIPS! QQQQUUUUIIIIPPPPSSSS!

1:42: Thor choke-holding Tony Stark is still less abusive and more sexy than all of Fifty Shades of Grey.

1:49: I am so up for Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Second to Captain America, he’s my favourite. Everything is delivered IN A VERY SERIOUS BELLOW. Also, the hammer is a metaphor for his cock.

1:52: Aw, Black Widow looks sick right there. Might be cool to know some of your backstory, huh? What? Oh, I see. “Never”, you say. Good to know.

1:58: I think part of the problem I’ve always been really bored by The Hulk is because when we see him fighting- which,judging by this trailer, will be a substantial part of the movie- the actor and director are limited in what they can do, say and express when he’s transformed. Also, Bruce Banner isn’t a Norse God, millionaire playboy, Soviet-era spy, or World War II supersoldier. It might have more to do with that, now I think about it.

2:04: Look, I demand that they recut this trailer with the “no strings on me” ending. Because it’s a genuinely excellent line with spine-chilling delivery and one of the only things that unequivocally makes me want to see the film. Also worth noting: Hawkeye had no dialogue, which is precisely 20% more than he will have in the movie.

Overall, I give it a Tickets On The Day, on a scale of prebook to boycott.

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March 3, 2015

Blog Blog Blogging: Updates

Well, I’m sick as that proverbial dog today, so I thought I’d update the blog with a bunch of stuff I’ve been thinking about lately.

Firstly, this blog has been around for well over two and a half years now, and the number of people coming to the blog has gone up inexplicably and hugely over the last month or so: thanks to everyone who’s reading, commenting, or sharing these articles.

Secondly, you might have noticed a “contact me” tab at the top of the page: I mean it. If you want to write for the blog, suggest a TV that’s so amazing/terrible you want to see it reviewed, suggest article ideas, write a rebuttal about why I’m wrong about Fifty Shades of Grey (seriously, I want this so much), just drop me a message or a tweet. I want to write things that you want to read, and being pointed in the write direction never hurts. Doooo ittttt.

Thirdly, in future, I’m going to be sticking to a sort-of schedule to try and regulate the kind of stuff I’m getting up on the blog. Starting this week, Monday will be Fifty Shades Recaps day (God rest my soul), Wednesday will be A Wanker’s Literary Reaction day (where I’ll essentially review whatever crap/amazing thing I’ve been watching this week, because this TV blog doesn’t actually review TV any more), and Friday will just be a general chat day- the next couple of weeks will involve a snarky analysis of the new Thunderbirds reboot, and a look into how self-harm is represented on TV, so expect anything that’s been playing in my brain for the past week. I’ll also try and get a film review done every now and then, and there might occasionally be a rant or grumpy shout about whatever I’ve seen on the news/Twitter this week.

In short: thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the new schedule.

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March 2, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Double Recap: Chapter 11 and 12

Welcome back to another instalment of Fifty Shades of It’s Only BDSM, OMG, You Prude, Do Ur Research XD (amusingly, a couple of weeks ago on Twitter, someone snarled at me to write a damn essay on the abuse in Fifty Shades if I cared so much. FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT). Anyway, we left off with Ana opening the sex contract Christian gave her, and basically the entire chapter is her reading that contract. Shall we begin?

Right off the bat, let’s bear this in mind for later:

“2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due regard for her and her needs, her limits, and her well-being.”

Seriously, bear that the fuck in mind. Anyway, the contract goes on to cover STDs (not allowed, disappointingly), and what Ana would be expected to do as the submissive. Basically, it outlines that be signing the contract, Ana is comitting herself to three months of being Christian’s sub, at which point they’ll negotiate the terms if they intend to continue the relationship. Three months?! But what if she doesn’t like it? What if she wants out? I’m seriously doubting that this fucking contract would hold water in court, y’all.

Essentially, the contract makes for pretty boring reading, but in a lot of ways in does actually outline what a safe, sane, and consensual BDSm relationship consists of: safewords, the discussion of boundaries, and, um, the dictating of how much sleep Ana would be required to have every night and precisely what she’s supposed to eat from a perscribed list of foods. Help me out, BDSM peeps: is this sort of thing normal? I’m pretty well versed in BDSM but I’ve never been in or near a relationship of this intensity, so is the establishment of rules over eating and sleeping the norm or not?

The contract goes on to mention that Ana would be responsible for any “misbehavior” that might cast Christian in an ill light, even though she signed an NDA which means she couldn’t talk about the relationship anyway. She must realize that her behaviour “is a direct reflection on the dominant”, even though no-one but Ana, Christian, and any hapless family members who wander into his house ad nauseum would know about the whole BDSM thing. Urgh. The contract also discusses the fact that Ana will have to go to a trainer four times a week, and commit herself to whatever beauty treatments Christian sees fit. Again: BDSM folks, can you offer comment on this?

And after four pages of that (OOOH YEAH THIS FINE PRINT IS GETTING ME HOT DOWN THERE), we finally get to the stuff about actual sex. Hard limits (things that Christian won’t do, basically) include fireplay, breath play, and anything involving children or animals (if the flat is so small that your cat can hear you while you’re doing it, does that count?). Then the contract goes on to ask what Ana’s into, because the contract is a caring lover that’s interested in Ana’s limits. I’d go to bed with this contract over Christian. They include vaginal and anal fisting, the infliction of pain, bondage, swallowing cum etc. Aw, this isn’t nearly as hardcore as I was expecting!

Now, let’s take a look at Ana’s reaction to all of this. “I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking wouldn’t be so bad; humiliating though…No, no I can’t do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship”.

Ana, honey, serious talk now. It’s okay not to be into the same things the guy you like is into. But this reaction to even reading about BDSM suggests that you’re not into it. You’re not turned on by this. You can’t even consider it. And that’s totally okay. But if your sexual appetites are that different, one of you is going to have to be making massive compromises to make the other person happy, and, let’s face it, it’s going to be you.

She goes and brushes her teeth, and remembers “his body inside mine”, thus reminding us he is a Slitheen

And we have to put up with yet another reference to the muscles “deep, deep down” tugging at her. Does EL James just have a smooth bit of plastic between her legs, or is she just so embarrassed about the thought of writing about female sexual arousal she can’t fucking call anything what it actually is? At this point, I’m pulling for the former.

The next morning, a brand new, not-in-the-shops-yet Macbook arrives for Ana and the delivery man sets it up for her while trying to not blow his load all over the exclusive screen. Seriously, the way this is written, I think I’d like to read the sexual exploits of this way too enthusiastic computer fan and his new Macbook. That shit sounds hot as fuck.

“Most women gets flowers or maybe jewellery” says Kate suggestively”

SHUT UP KATE YOU PUTRID SEACOW. Anyway, Christian and Ana exchange some emails and he says “laters, baby” and the last vestige of my faith in humanity withers up inside me for good. Ana goes to work, and Jose turns up to take her for lunch, and she’s like “you know I could never stay mad at you, friends who repeatedly pushed himself on me after I turned him down!” and I can’t any more. Ana and Christian exchange some more interminable emails in which Christian orders Ana to go to Wikipedia to research BDSM.

Ana ends the unbelievably dull chapter by mentioning that she’s queasy and sick and doesn’t want this kind of stuff in her head, and saying to herself that she needs time to think. You know what, I’m plowing right on with the next chapter because I think that it’s worth putting these two back-to-back just to appreciate what an utter clusterfuck this story is turning into. So, chapter eleven.

Ana goes for a run, and wonders if it was Christian being “seduced” (and certainly not molested!) at such a young age that made him a dominant, because people with sexual fetishes are broken in some way obvs. Ana gets home and is forced to sit through Kate showing Ana what she’s going to be wearing on holiday to Barbados while Ana listens to the white noise in her head. Then- and it’s key you remember this- Ana sends Christian this email.

“Okay, I’ve seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana”

How I read that email. Jesus, Marilyn Monroe was earth-shatteringly beautiful, wasn’t she?

Ana laugh to herself, because she’s made a joke. But all Christian sees is this: this is an email, for all intents and purposes, that’s politely saying that hey, Ana isn’t into the BDSM stuff she’s seen and doesn’t want to see him again. And no, I’m not twisting that out of context- that’s the only thing Ana sends to him. Just that. Ana bemoans the fact that he doesn’t reply, and then gets on with packing up her room. As she’s re-reading the contract, this:

“I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye, I don’t know, but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway to my bedroom, watching me intently. He’s wearing his grey flannel and pants and a white linen shit, gently twirling his car keys. I pull out my earbuds and freeze. Fuck!”

Aside from the fact that this paragrpah sounds like it’s lifted straight out of a horror movie, let’s consider what’s happened here. Ana sent Christian an email that she knows was a joke, but for all intents and purposes is telling him to leave her alone. And what does he do? He turns up uninvited in her room to watch her.

Christian tells her that he thought her email required an in-person response, and sits on her bed. Ana’s thoughts: “I glance around, plotting an escape route”. Because plotting an escape route is exactly how I react to being in the same room as my lover FOR FUCK’S SAKE, HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS IS PROBLEMATIC?!

Christian questions Ana about her email and, before he asks her if it’s okay or if she meant what she said about not wanting to see him again, he’s kissing her and pinning her to the bed. Ana thinks “He wants me…not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen [other submissives], not Mrs Robinson…me”.Yeah, because it’s sooo healthy to take all your self-esteem from a man who’s chosen you over all the other women who totally want to nail him like Kate and her slutty bikinis, that dirty two-dollar whore!

Okay, this passage coming up is one that I’ve wanted to analyse for a while, because it’s a quote that I often see in anti-Fifty Shades memes and suchlike (which are basically providing a national service to all of humanity).

“He bends and starts undoing one of my sneakers. Oh no…no…my feet. No. I’ve just been running.

“No!” I protest, trying to kick him off.

” If you struggle, Miss Steele, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.”

Being privy to Ana’s inner monologue, we know that the reason she doesn’t want Christian to take off her shoes is because her feet are sweaty because she’s been running. But think about what Christian hears in this situation. After receiving an email from Ana telling him she didn’t want to see him any more, he turns up at her house. When he begins to undress her, she explicitly says “no” and tries to kick him away from her. In that situation, you fucking STOP AND ASK IF IT’S OKAY TO CONTINUE. If your partner ever says “no” during sexual activity, you stop immediately and check what’s up. Even if Christian had just stopped for a minute and said “is it just your feet or do you want me to stop altogether?” this scene would be less of an issue. But for all the Fifty Shades defenders reading this: Ana says no, and Christian ignores her, then threatens her. That’s what happens right here. She hasn’t signed the contract, hasn’t agreed to any BDSM, they haven’t discussed boundaries at all (the most we got was Christian asking “trust me?” and Ana nodding), there’s no discussed safewords. If you take Ana’s inner monologue out of it, this is an explicit rape scene, because she said no and he carried on.

Christian goes outside and gets a drink for them both after chatting to Kate while he’s half-naked, because if Ana protests about something Christian’s doing it will bring humiliation on everyone involved, but wandering out of the bedroom with only trousers on and chatting away to the roomate doesn’t give the game away. Christian dribble wine over Ana and- HOLD THE FUCK UP! ANA REFERRED TO HER CLITORIS AS A CLITORIS! AND WE’RE ONLY 194 PAGES INTO THE BOOK! Then there’s this as Christian prepares to fuck Ana and Ana refers to it unfortunately as “his sudden assault” and I’m all-

They come, Ana screams Christian’s name (picture it for a second), and Christian says “I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all”. Which, you know, means that he thought Ana was turning down his sexual advances but proceeded to turn up at her house uninvited and ignore her protests during sex because LOVE. Christian offers to introduce Ana to one of his ex-subs so she can learn from them, and Ana throws him out. Finally. Ana runs into her room and bursts into tears. Kate comes in, and asks why Ana is crying-

“I sent him an email.”

“Asking him to drop by?”

“No, saying I didn’t want to see him any more.”

“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.”

Is it, though? Is it really genius that the man she asked to stay away from her turned up without asking? Ana sends Christian some emails outlining what she is and isn’t willing to consent to on the contract, and I’m impressed that she’s actually negotiating. Instead of addressing any of her issues, Christian tells her to go to bed. Because mixed signals make me wet.

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