The Cutprice Guignol

When it comes to cultivating the brand of The Cutprice Guignol – a matter I take with the utmost seriousness – there are certain words that I try to focus on. Intelligence. Wit. Astonishing good looks. Big fluffy cats. But one that might not have come to mind for most of you is this one: glamour.

Not that I am going to let it stop me delving into to something of a distinctly glamorous lifestyle here today. I have deep-dived into a few different icons of the Sims franchise, from the H&M pack to my own personal style evolution, and I stumbled across one that I had entirely forgotten about recently: The Sims 2: Glamour Life Stuff. It offered, according to the box, a chance to “swank out your pad” with décor and clothing that would really take you to that next level. As a woman of discerning (read: shit) taste myself, I felt it only right that I put on the pince-nez and cast my eye over the offerings that this pack laid out for only the most glamorous of Simmers. All pictures here are from The Sims Wiki, which you should check out for a nostalgia hit if you grew up playing the games like me!

Let’s start here, at a glamorous party. First off, we need to talk about the gowns, because what is this woman doing out on a beautiful sapphic first date with her entire underboob on display? This is a classy establishment, madam, in case you couldn’t tell based on the man with a wallet chain juggling directly beside you. This food looks like everything I ate as a vegetarian at a barbecue that did not account for any vegetarian attendance, and the weird faceless statue looming in the background like an errant SCP escapee really just seals the deal.

Next, and I hope you will not think less of me for this, dear reader, but we’re going to move on to something a little more sensual. By which I mean, of course, an IKEA cabinet and odd flesh-coloured geometric carpet. And what speaks to a glamorous life more than reclining on your flocked bedspread in an oddly-matronly silk robe while a butler with his tits out wearing bowling shoes brings you a plate of four entire lobsters? Big shout out to my girl for being entirely in her bag thinking about money in bed, though, no notes #girlboss

Next, we’re going to move on to an art gallery. Nice and easy to make glamorous, right? Well, if your idea of glamour is a sculpture vaguely in the shape of the pose I make when I wake up in the morning with lower back pain. Also featured: a man in full military uniform looking at what appears to be a dog pillow mounted on the wall, and, just to add to that delicious whiff of imperialism, what is clearly meant to a stolen piece of hieroglyphics. I’m not even going to get into the woman fanning herself at the sight of that sculpture, or the strappy unmatching heels, because I’m kind like that.

Okay, just bear with me here, because there are, unbelievably, other things in frame than this outfit. The enormous pop art print of my wife and saviour Bella Goth on the back wall? A must-have, and I’ve ordered one already. The sculpture of what appears to be a high heel? The chairs that are specifically designed for me to tip backwards out of every time I stand up? It’s truly banger after banger here, but that dress is truly everything I’ve ever wanted and needed in my life. The baby-poo-green silk with the gold rope appliques, matched with the stacked bracelets and unbrushed, unstyled hair? Glamour was born and died on the day this pack released and you will never convince me otherwise.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m looking to get freaky and frisky, I like to do so under the watchful gaze of a huge, sinister tapestry and in a room with the ambience of the Red Lodge from Twin Peaks. Let’s not forget, either, the playful charm of a man rolling his suit trousers up to just below his knees and taking off his shoes and socks while you pray that your tit tape doesn’t give away at an inopportune moment. I also long for a man to look at me with the same expression of curiosity and mild concern that this curtain-haired blondie is offering his lucky conquest for the night, and frankly, I can’t think of a woman who alive who wouldn’t.

That’s about as much glamour as I can stand for today, but I would love to hear your memories of this stuff pack, if you have any – if not, what was the peak of Sims 2 glamour for you when you played the game? Let me know in the comments below!