A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: The New Avengers Assemble: Age of Ultron Trailer

by thethreepennyguignol

Yes, I said I’d be using this slot to rip the piss out of/shower praise on new TV shows I’d been watching, but this opportunity was too good to miss: as I sat down to write this, Marvel released a new Avengers Assemble trailer for the May 1st release of Age of Ultron after encouraging Twitter users to tweet using #avengersassemble to unlock the clip (on a side note, it would have been the funniest thing in the entire world if not enough people had tweeted that, and Marvel had been forced to slink into a corner and upload the trailer anyway. Luckily, fanboys/girls exist). So I thought I’d do a real-time reaction review for your reading pleasure? Ready? Let’s begin.

0:02: Appropriate for all audiences? Boring. I wanted to see Hulk dick.

0:12: URGH JAMES SPADER’S VOICE YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Y-

0:13: Oh, there’s the brilliant Elizabeth Olsen as the Scarlet Witch, and Not Evan Peters as Quiksilver. It was tragic, really, that Aaron Taylor-Johnson had to take on this role, as the post- Kick-Ass careers of both men have proved that Evan Peters can act Tayl0r-Johnson into the ground. His Quiksilver was by far and away the best thing about Days of Future Past.

0:28: While I’m gutted that James Spader isn’t actually on screen for any length of time (and that Paul Bettany is relegated to voicing a computer system), the obligatory trailer shot of the robot switching on and doing something a ROBOT SHOULDN’T DO is actually pretty sick.

0:35: Whenever I see the big boomy explosions shots in superhero movie trailers, I’m always reminded of Homer Simpson lying in bed, pretending to fart and shouting “KERBLAMMO!”. Don’t know why.

0:41: Ah, I like that the Avengers- who certainly don’t have ANY ENEMIES-advertise their headquarters with a massive A on the side of a building. Sneaky wee fuckers.

0:48: Mark Ruffalo’s line reading of “Artificial intelligence” made me cringe. Maybe because I’ve just seen Foxcatcher and know that he’s going to be underused in this movie. Maybe because I forgot he was in it. You don’t know.

0:54: WAAAAAAAY THOR!

0:55: WAAAAY CAPTAIN AMERICA!

0:56: “I’m sick of watching people pay for our mistakes” That’s very generous of you, but this was clearly Tony Stark’s mistake. Or are you talking about the people planning to pay money to see this movie? (ZING)

1:01: I FUCKING KNEW THEY WERE SETTING SCARJO AND THE GRUFFALO UP FOR SOME LOVE ACTION.

1:02: I think someone genuinely owes me money for being right about that.

1:07: Wait up, Wolverine claws?

1:08: WHO CARES THAT SHOT IS AMAZING

1:09: Oh, fuck me, aye, Jeremy Renner’s “in” this movie, isn’t he?

1:16: Quick shot of Thor with no top on because Joss Whedon knows what the fans want, also, luscious fucking locks, whichever Hemsworth you are.

1:17: If you squint just right, you can make out Hawkeye in two consecutive frames!

1:32: QUIPS! QUIPS! QQQQUUUUIIIIPPPPSSSS!

1:42: Thor choke-holding Tony Stark is still less abusive and more sexy than all of Fifty Shades of Grey.

1:49: I am so up for Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Second to Captain America, he’s my favourite. Everything is delivered IN A VERY SERIOUS BELLOW. Also, the hammer is a metaphor for his cock.

1:52: Aw, Black Widow looks sick right there. Might be cool to know some of your backstory, huh? What? Oh, I see. “Never”, you say. Good to know.

1:58: I think part of the problem I’ve always been really bored by The Hulk is because when we see him fighting- which,judging by this trailer, will be a substantial part of the movie- the actor and director are limited in what they can do, say and express when he’s transformed. Also, Bruce Banner isn’t a Norse God, millionaire playboy, Soviet-era spy, or World War II supersoldier. It might have more to do with that, now I think about it.

2:04: Look, I demand that they recut this trailer with the “no strings on me” ending. Because it’s a genuinely excellent line with spine-chilling delivery and one of the only things that unequivocally makes me want to see the film. Also worth noting: Hawkeye had no dialogue, which is precisely 20% more than he will have in the movie.

Overall, I give it a Tickets On The Day, on a scale of prebook to boycott.

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