The Cutprice Guignol

The Ninth Year: The Haunting of Swill House
June 10, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Primeval

I know that it must seem like nothing really lives up to my standards any more. Fifty Shades is goddamn awful. Age of Ultron was a disappointment. Doctor Who wasn’t as good as it should have been. Bitch. Moan. Whine. Blergh.

So occasionally it’s rather pleasant to revel in something I really enjoy, even if it is a rather unpopular opinion (judging by the massive, collective sigh that happens whenever I bring it up). And that’s Primeval; a desperate ITV flail at gaining some of Doctor Who’s Saturday night teatime audience. Running from 2007-2011, I remember many evenings locked up in my bedroom with the crackly portable TV watching one of the most supremely underrated British TV shows of the last ten years.

So, what’s the story? Nick Cutter (played by a rugged and witty Douglas Henshall), a professor of We-Only-Made-Him-A-Professor-Because-Indiana-Jones-Was-ology-

-is called in to help when anomalies start appearing all over the city of London. And what’s coming out of those anomalies?

Yeah, that’s right, dinosaurs. Mother-fucking dinosaurs (and occasionally other things from other time frames, but I don’t care about that). The series was created by Tim Haines, the man behind the incredible Walking With… series, and his knowledge and love for these creatures is clear- whether it’s in the careful creature design, or the dinosaur-related jargon everyone spews every thirty seconds, this satisfies the dino-geek in me who I thought was gone by the time I reached double digits.

But of course, the enigmatic Henshall has a team-and WHAT a team. There’s Stephen, AKA James Murray, AKA the  good-looking one with both guns (firearms) and guns (biceps)-

-hey, let me have my ogle. Then there’s Connor, AKA Andrew Lee-Potts, AKA the geeky one who knows loads about dinasours who’s still pretty hot-

Here we’ve got Abby, the biologist, AKA, Yes, that IS Hannah Spearitt from S Club 7-

And to finish out, you’ve got government official Claudia Brown, played by Lucy Brown who always looks like she’s about to say something really raunchy-

And that’s the main team. Henshall leads them every week against a different dinosaur foe caught up in a new modern setting-whether they’re destroying schools or smashing their way into a screaming child’s bedroom (because Primeval never skimped on the “terrifying the kids” factor, much to my delight), it’s this lot who have to turn up and do something a bit clever to stop them, in simple three-act plots that generally get tied up by the end of the episode. The writing is top-tier tight, building on character relationships and using the monsters as a wraparound device to fill out some themes about science and discovery. Think Buffy tone, with a healthy dose of Scooby-Doo, sprinkled with a liberal helping of Jurassic Park (which it explicitly, brilliantly references a couple of times).

Still nursing my wounds from a disappointing series of Doctor Who, Primeval is a deliciously perfect example of freak-of-the-week storytelling, with just a hint of a running plot concerning Nick Cutter’s wife, who may or may not have vanished into one of the anomalies years ago. The action sequences are a little dated, but hold up with a moderate-to-strong suspension of disbelief, and the cast has an easy, comfortable chemistry right from the off- bouncing off each other with quips and piss-takes, even as they’re stalking raptors round shopping centres.

Call me a traitor, but sometimes fiendish plotting and endless character monologues just don’t do it for me. I’m one of those people who’s perfectly happy to be able to dip into a series whenever I fancy, and be completely caught up on what I need to see with a “previously-on” montage. The most important thing for me is that Primeval never lost sight of who it’s audience was- for one, freshly-teenage girls crushing hard on a sarcastic, guest-starring Ben Miller-

-and families. It’s time slot and it’s subject matter dictated it’s broad audience, and it stuck to that- throwing in the odd saucy joke or movie reference for the parents, but focusing on bringing exciting, scary, funny plots to life for everyone to enjoy. I’ll admit that a healthy dose of nostalgia was useful when I came back to the show (which is on Netflix in it’s entirety), but Primeval is the kind of thing you can dive into at any age and find something to enjoy, if you keep your standards to “entertainment”, and not deep philosophical musing. Go watch it. Go watch it now.

Who am I kidding, if you weren’t sold by the dinasour gif, there’s no convincing you.

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June 8, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Twenty-One

So, I’m back from Berlin, and I most certainly haven’t been writing a ton of erotica that accidentally features character names from The Walking Dead, and, if I did, it wasn’t because I have a massive TWD poster of Daryl and Rick opposite my writing chair.

LOUISE - WIN_20150608_191605

Nope. Not doing that AT ALL.

I also wrote this in response to the announcement of ANOTHER fucking Fifty Shades book, so go read that if you want my take on it. I’ll recap it if someone buys me a copy, otherwise I’ll avoid it for the rest of time.

But enough with these petty amusements- it’s time to barrel forward with Fifty Shades of Grey. We’re on chapter twenty-one now, with only five chapters after this one remaining, and I’m starting to cast my mind over what I want to recap next. Right now I’m leaning towards doing Sex and the City, series one, from a modern feminist perspective (because that shit is a disgrace, and I still kind of love it), or taking apart the Harry Potter book series, which I read literally dozens of times when I was a kid.  if you’ve got any ideas, please tweet/email/comment at me and let me know. Books, TV shows, a series of handsomely shot interpretive dance numbers; I’m game for it all (in my darkest hours, I’ve considered going on a massive mission to find the best porn parody on the internet, so adult entertainment is not out of the question).

This chapter opens with a massive paragraph which is just Ana waking up, and I already want to kill myself. Ana thinks about how she’s living the dream, but that it’s awful because he wants a special arrangement that he doesn’t want  Right, so, I’ve decided that, to try and make this recap moderately bearable, I’m going to insert a picture of Christopher Ecclestone looking stern every time there’s an example of problematic content in this chapter. I don’t want to have to sully him with this series, but his face- the face of my adolescent sexual awakening-might just get me through this alive. Let’s start off with one to sum up my ego, shall we?

Yes, that should do it. Ana nips out to the kitchen to find Christian, who isn’t in bed, and instead finds his housekeeper who introduces herself and offers Ana tea. Ana immediately curses her out as a blonde bitch in her head in case the reader got confused and thought Christian might fall in love with the housekeeper if Ana didn’t immediately hate on her like the perfect little product of internalized misogyny she is.

It’s a handy shorthand for “fuck off, EL”!

Ana finds Christian in his office, where he’s having a really fucking long conversation with someone on the phone about Generic Buisness Things, the sort of things I might say if I were transported to a high-powered office for a day in some sort of great and terrible mishap. Once he’s done, they discuss her trip to Gerogia, then Ana demands to be fucked over his desk. I’d like you to read the description of Ana’s orgasm here:

“I cry out a wordless, passionate plea as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, falling down, back to a breathless, bright summit on earth.”

You know what else might work here? “I came really fucking hard, and it was fucking excellent.” That would also be pretty good. I believe I’ve said it before in these recaps, but if you can think anything other than “FUCK” as you’re about to come, you’re doing it wrong. Or he is. Once again, Christian lasts just under a page.

Ana gets upset when she realizes that Christian has had sex on his desk before, when she should really be upset about the face that he told her that he liked her sore because it acted as a reminder that he was the only one allowed in her vagina, not before grabbing her face and saying “YOU. ARE. MINE.” Because swoon, ladies, amiritie?

See, I was thinking about this earlier today. I was wondering about what the perception of Fifty Shades would have been if the roles had been reversed- obviously, it would still be a book about abuse, but my guess is that we’d be a lot more willing to actually see the horrific abuse at hand, because we’re so used to seeing romantic male leads act this way, especially in New Adult fiction. The stalking, the intimidation, the obsessive establishment of ownership instead of actual love, all held up as the epitome of romance- it’s a total trope, a usually unquestioned one at that, and that makes genuinely turns my stomach.

They talk some more, and Ana goes for a shower, upset because Christian seemed weird and off with her. I mean, I assumed that was what she liked about him, but as a woman myself I know we can never make our minds up about anything and also Ana’s just probably on her period, the mouthy bitch. Ana goes to get some breakfast, and Christian offers to let her take his private jet when she says that she wants to get a commercial flight. She actually stands her ground for once, and she goes to get ready for a job interview. As Christian asks if she’ll miss him, she thinks “He’s got right under my skin…literally”, which, you know:

This is a Chrissy Ecc episode, so it counts. Also, this is the second time I’ve got Slitheen banter in these recaps! Raxacoricofallapa-LARIOUS!

We join Ana on her second interview of the day, because anything she does that doesn’t revolve around Christian is pointless, and a woman described as having black, pre-Raphelite hair appears. Which is funny because when you think of pre-Raphelite hair, black isn’t really the colour that springs to mind. Let’s see what happens if I take four seconds out of this recap to google it:

Research is FUN!

Ana remembers how Christian demands that Ana take her Blackberry with her when she visits her mother, and considers how “…that’s just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me.” Which is exactly what Ana has been protesting this entire book- whether it’s sexual control, emotional control, or physical control, she’s bucked against it. But here she is, again, dismissing it, because EL James didn’t bother to get a beta reader for her shitty, shiity fanfiction. Oh dear why is this knife at my wrists-

A more self-aware Ana. It’s so stinking unfair, by the way, that my Doctor only got one season. Grumble, grumble.

Ana goes into the inteview, and notes internally a young man with “small, silver, hooped earrings”, and that’s a good enough excuse for me to squeeze in this, because that’s clearly the description of a pirate:

Tim Curry in Muppet Treasure Island is my Dad’s hero, and you should know that.

That man is Jack Hyde, who, spoiler alert, becomes a moustache-twirling villain later in the series, which I will not be recapping unless someone has a copy of Fifty Shades Shiter and Fifty Shades Fucked that they’d be happy to lend to me and let me scrawl all over. Because I ruined my copy of FSOG:

There's a whole page in chapter one with "PRICK" written across it.

There’s a whole page in chapter one with “PRICK” written across it.

The interview is boring, and Ana goes home to find Kate unpacking. Kate cocks her head, and Ana gets annoyed that everything is reminding her of her “favourite Fifty Shades”, and everybody take a shot because the title of the book is in the text. What Lord of the Rings was really missing was Aragorn turning to metaphorical camera every five pages and going “YOU TRULY ARE…THE LORD OF THE RING(S)”. And that’s why no-one remembers Tolkein now. Ana scolds Kate for winding Christian up with her comments about Jose at dinner, and Kate rebuffs with this bit of ironclad logic:

“He’s a real control freak. I don’t know how you stand it. I was trying to make him jealous-give him a little help with his commitment issues.”

Yeah, Kate, what you should do to the control freak boyfriend who obviously intimidates your best friend is WIND HIM UP. Then he can give her a fucking black eye or a broken nose and you’ll have proof, because emotional abuse is just made up, right?????!??!111one

Ana starts to cry, and Kate asks her what’s wrong, and Ana says that she just has such strong feelings for Christian. Kate says that it’s clear that he fancies her too, and those crazy kids should just go for it already. Kate is obviously as bored of this fake conflict as I am.

Christian and Ana email back and forth, and it’s totally, horrifically, painfully, insultingly boring. I mean, I know all the fans of this book who defend it were just skipping from sex scene to regurgitated sex scene- and I know this because whenever you bring up the abuse with them, they say it wasn’t there- but could EL not even try and make a hint of effort with this filler passages? Christ almighty, it’s like listening to the Telegraph bitch and moan about the Jeremy Clarkson being fired for punching someone in the face.

Ana gets to the airport, and Christian has upgraded her ticket to first class after she specifically told him not to interfere. WHAT A TOP NOTCH HUMAN BEING!

/sarcasm

I promise I’ll continue the theme of gifs of men who awakened my sexuality with Chris Barrie next week.

So gorgeous. Where did my bra go?

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June 6, 2015

Stop Making Excuses for Transphobia

https://twitter.com/joshychoi/status/607011925998899200

https://twitter.com/coreydsomers/status/606692203218522112

If you agreed with any or all of the above statements, you might be transphobic. And I think it’s time we stopped making excuses for you.

I think it’s time we stopped pretending that people we like, people who are broadly liberal and progressive, need to be cut some slack when they repeatedly misgender someone. I think it’s time that people who claim to support the LGBTQ+ community but staunchly refuse to educate themselves on trans topics need to be told they’re not the allies they think they are. I think it’s time that trans issues weren’t such an omnipresent punchline in the media. I think it’s time we stopped dancing around the issue, stopped tacitly endorsing transphobia, and started admitting that it’s bigotry backed up by ignorance, and that it should never have become the background noise of discussing trans issues.

I’m a feminist and part of the LGBTQ+ world, and in both communities I’ve seen people trying to close down or directly exclude trans people. Don’t bother bringing up trans stuff in general company, as you will find at least one person pulling a face and calling it gross. Whether it’s conservative politicians joking about wishing they had been transgender so they could sneak into the girl’s showers in high school. or famed feminists explaining why trans women are just men trying to impinge on female spaces, transphobia is omnipresent, no matter what political or social groups you align with. And it’s godamn time we stopped dismissing it with excuses- “they don’t understand”, “they don’t mean it”, “they’re allowed to voice their opinions”. All these things could be true, but it doesn’t stop what they’re saying being transphobic. And it doesn’t stop them from contributing to a culture that continually ignores, belittles, or actively attacks trans people. Your ignorance is not a defence.

When you hear people spouting the same tired transphobic rhetoric, call them on it. If you yourself are not sure how to appropriately discuss trans issues, there are some great resources out there- try here and here to start with. Call out the many, many mainstream news sites that promote transphobic articles- including The Guardian and The Blaze. Right now, the attempted suicide rate amongst trans people is at 41%, as opposed to 4.6% for cisgender people. The Human Rights Campaign estimates that 1 in 12 trans people face being murdered in their lifetime. We’re still living in a world where Ruby Ordenana, a trans woman, was found strangled and beaten to death, only for the funeral home to change her clothes from a dress to a suit, a world where a young gender non-conforming man was showered in LGBT slurs as he was beaten, cut, and burnt with cigarettes, only for the police to refuse to work on a composite with him. Only one state in America has officially banned the trans panic defence for the murder or assault of a trans person. Violence against trans people is everywhere, and when we sit back and allow transphobia to flourish unchecked-whether it’s in the media or in our day-to-day lives- we’re further allowing that to stay as the status quo. And we can do better than that- more importantly, we should be doing better than that. Because respecting people as people- no matter what their gender identity- shouldn’t be something we have to debate.

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June 1, 2015

Why You Shouldn’t Buy The New Fifty Shades of Grey Book

So, I’m in Berlin with a sprained ankle, the family, and a lot of red wine inside me, and I wasn’t planning on any blogging this week. Then this happened:

And I let out a long sigh and knew I had to write something about it. The book, which surely should have been titled One Shade of Grey, is nothing more than proof that James has no new ideas and is stuck hanging on to the one piece of plagiarism she did years ago to make money (lest we forget, Fifty Shades is plagiarized from Twilight, and this is plagiarized from the idea for never-published Midnight Sun, which was told from Edward’s point of view). So let’s talk about why you shouldn’t buy it.

The most important point is that, as a consumer, this book is going to be a pile of shite. We’ve already had chapters told in Christian’s POV in the novels, and all they’ve shown is that he’s an angry, cynical guy who seems to hate everyone. Which is fine in a Chuck Palanhuik novel, because Chuck isn’t trying to convince you that Tyler Durden is a sexy, romantic, loving hero any woman would be happy to share their life with. Sure, Ana is that too, but Christian doesn’t spend forty percent of the novel bemoaning his hair or being abused, so it’s hard to find something to not hate about him. The writing is dire as it is, and that’s when it’s taking cues from the base-level average Twilight series. It’s going to be shitty, because there’s no way you can make Christian and his actions likeable or acceptable. How will they make the bit where he gives his wife lovebites as a non-consensual punishment for sunbathing topless sound cute? Without Ana’s rationalisations, how will they turn the scene where he ignores her “no” and threatens to gag her after she thinks he has turned him down sexy? It’s going to be a catastrophe.

Secondly, it offers another chance for EL James to offer her damaging abuse apologia, with the story told from the point of view of “He Was Abused As A Kid So He Couldn’t Help It” Christian Grey. In the series that stands now, we have Ana desperately rationalising his abusive actions-which include stalking, sexual coercion, intimidation, manipulation, invasion of privacy, and atrocious BDSM conduct that lands him in the abuser category. Now, we will have a book where an abuser justifies his actions as romantic, while the author cheers him on in the background, as she has down with the rest of her bullshit magnum opus. If you wanted more mainstream validation for abuse, here it is. The only thing I hope for is that EL James misjudges this so badly that she winds up revealing Christian Grey the truly repulsive pig he is, the abuser so many fans were happy to ignore. Also, that every copy of it catches fire.

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May 25, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Twenty

It’s time, you bunch of masochists, to jump back in to the twisted world of Fifty Shades of Grey. After the last couple of weeks’ horrifying dallies into non-consent as romance, I’m pleased to tell you that things take a turn for the better in Chapter Twenty. And by better I mean worse. And by worse I mean that you’ll need a bottle of wine and a loved one nearby.

I’m not saying you should think of me as a teenage serial killer, more as someone who is at least as attractive as Evan Peters.

Christian carries Ana into the boathouse, and, after spending a paragraph describing her surroundings down to the “nautical New England theme” (seriously), she thinks that she doesn’t have time to examine the boathouse because of the look Christian is giving her. He’s blazing with anger, lust, etc, etc, you’ve read this before, and Ana gets the first line of dialogue of the chapter:

“”Please don’t hit me,” I whisper, pleading”

Quick heads up for everyone everywhere: if your romantic partner has to plead with you not to hit them, you’re an abuser. Ana reiterates that she doesn’t want to be spanked, and then kisses Christian (honest to God, I nearly typed Edward). He pushes her off, confused, because:

“”You said no.”

“What?” No to what?

“At the dinner table, with your legs.””

A feminist in the wild!

So, to be clear, Christian angry at Ana because she didn’t want to be fingered at dinner with his family. Because Ana doesn’t get bodily autonomy, whether it’s to do with her contraception or not wanting to perform a certain sex act, and Christian is justified in getting angry with her for denying him his right to her body (which is not an agreed-upon term in their relationship). But oh wait, there’s more!

“I’m mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me. I’m mad because you went drinking with the guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk and who left you when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that? And I’m mad and aroused because you closed your legs on me.”

Slow down, Christian. So, you’re mad that Ana chose to spend time with a man who sexually assaulted- not seduced- her, then left her with a complete stranger? Does it not cross your mind that, what with you being that complete stranger, TAKING A DRUNK, VULNERABLE WOMAN HOME FROM A BAR ISN’T AN OKAY THING TO DO?

Ana gets super turned on by this, for some fucking reason, and they have sex; Christian tells her that if she comes he’ll spank her, even after she explicitly said two pages ago that she didn’t want to be hit. She doesn’t come, Christian’s sister bursts in, EL James uses the phrase “just-fucked” twice in a three-line paragraph, etc.

Christian and Ana go to say goodbye to everyone, and Ana admonishes Kate for winding up Christian; she replies that she’s just trying to show Ana how bad he can get. Yes, winding a clearly violently angry man up to see what he’ll do; a truly fucking innovative version of domestic abuse intervention.

They leave and get in the car, where they talk about her trip to Georgia some more. Christian asks to come with her, and she replies “I was hoping for a break from al this…intensity to try and think this through”, so, make plain note, she wants time away from Christian to think about their relationship. That is a thing that is said right here.

Christian asks Ana why she needs time to think, and she considers the fact that she thinks she’s in love with Christian, whearas he sees her as a toy to be “beaten” when she does something wrong. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL ABOUT YOUR PARTNER.

Ana says that she wants to make love to Christian, and he gets huffy and tells her to get ready for bed. But, because EL James can’t have these fuckers solve their problems with anything but a distractictingly awful sex scene, they fuck anyway. He tells her he’s going to spank her, but for their pleasure, not for punishment, which makes the fact that she doesn’t like being hit irrelevant, really. Seriously, did EL James leave years in between writing each chapter and forget what the fuck her stupid screw-dolls said in the last twenty pages? URGH.

He sticks Ban Wa balls up her poon, spanks her, and then fucks her (again, for less than half a page)

Within eight lines, Ana has brought the conversation back to his dislike of being touched, and he ends the chapter on this soothing refrain:

“The woman who bought me into this world was a crack whore, Ana.”

Just…wow, EL James. I bow before a master of the craft.

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May 23, 2015

Things You Should Watch on Netflix this Weekend

In world news today: Ireland apparently votes yes on gay marriage, bigots everywhere prepare for the apocalypse, and there’s a campaign to put Ainsley Harriot on a banknote.

You may have noticed that the blog schedule I came up with a couple of months ago has got spectacularly tits up, because I can do anything with glee (no, not that kind, don’t even click there) and passion provided I think I don’t have to do it. All I can say is that the Fifty Shades recaps will be up in the first couple of days in every week, and whatever else happens will happen. Shhh. Don’t fight it. *holds finger to your lips*

There were a bunch of things I was planning to write about today (most particularly Rape of Thrones, and how using rape as a major plot point for your female characters over and over is lazy as fuck), but instead I just want to share some of my picks of Netflix, something for you to binge-watch over this weekend. I’m probably going to start doing a recomendation list once every couple of weeks, because I watch a shit-ton of TV and movies that I never review for whatever reason but that I want to share with people, so if you like this, there will be more (if you don’t, bugger off to some other blog then, you- no, wait, come back, don’t leave, I need the clicks!) Where I am, it’s two in the afternoon, so you should have plenty of time to sear every frame of a show into your eyeballs. I’ll hear no excuses.

If you want…comedy

Frankie & Grace I’m not sure why this has received such a lukewarm response from critics, as it’s a beautifully crafted, funny-but-what’s-this-lump-in-my-throat-doing comedy with a belter of a cast (Sam Worthington, Martin Sheen, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda). Following the story of two very different women who are thrown together after their husbands leave them for each other, it’s warm-hearted and elegantly made, a very grown-up dramedy with some real emotional punch (mostly thanks to the sublimely well-drawn relationships between the lead four). At thirteen episodes, it’s perfect for a weekend binge-watch. Now is also the time to introduce yourself to Fawlty Towers and Father Ted, if you haven’t done so already, because WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR LIFE YOU WASTE OF SPACE.

If you want…sci-fi

Utopia There are a bunch of obvious choices on Netflix- Battlestar Galactica, off the top of my head- but the understated and very weird E4 drama is perfect to plow through over the course of a couple of days. Following the story of a bunch of normals who become caught up in the story behind a mysterious comic book, it’s violent, shocking, and has a couple of really impressive performances to boot-Fiona O’Shaughnessy as the not-quite-human Jessica Hyde is a real standout. If you prefer something more episodic, check out Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror, a handful of very dark, borderline satirical standalone sci-fi stories revolving around technology.

If you want…drama

There are loads of good places to start here, with everything from American Horror Story to Breaking Bad, but my money would have to go on The Good Wife. It’s always been slightly overlooked, but has scooped no less than five Emmys as well as a clutch of Golden Globes. Julianna Marguilles plays Alicia Florrick, a litigator who has to return to work after her husband (Chris Noth- yes, that Chris Noth) is jailed after a corruption and sex scandal. It’s a slow-burner, the sort of thing that bubbles away at the back of your mind until you can get to the next episode, and really I just need someone to talk to about it. Please? For me? Film-wise, shoot for the fantastically sleazy, very underrated The Paperboy. 

If you want…horror

Yeah, well, it’s my blog you’re reading, so you’re getting a horror section. In no particular order (and these are to be watched one after the other, with no breaks in between, not even for a cup of tea, in a marathon of pure fear): The Cube, a high-concept Saw-like thriller with amazing visual effects and great pacing, World War Z, proof that the zombie blockbuster can work if you throw Brad Pitt or Peter Capaldi at it, Lifeforce, a brilliantly dumb Tobe Hooper flick which should be watched when copiously drunk, The Faculty, because Elijah Wood is pretty and meta-horror is fun, Event Horizon, Midnight Meat Train, and, obviously, the seminal An American Werewolf in London for all you special-effects geeks out there.

If you want…something different

If you follow me on Twitter (and if not, why not, you evil bastard-fix that here), you may have spotted this Tweet on your timeline in the middle of the night a couple of days ago:

So you already know what I’ll be recommending. Available either subbed or dubbed, it’s the anime series that smashed through my wall- Neon Genesis Evangelion (which is incredible) proved to me the genre had the potential, and Attack on Titan fulfilled it. A dark, gritty, post-apocalyptic bloodbath, it’s packed with great characters, stunning animation (seriously though) and a twisty-turny plot that will make your head turn inside out at least four times. Again, watch it so I can discuss it with someone. Happy weekend!

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May 19, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 19

My exam are done, my summer begins, and everyone will be delighted to hear I have a good few months to just rant about Fifty Shades of Grey and shitty movie trailers on this blog. We left off in the last chapter with-Oh wait, shit, yes, I needed to link this first:

But yes, we left off in the last chapter with Ana and Christian were off to visit the rest of the Cullens- oops, I mean Christian’s family. Christian wakes Ana, and tells her that they’re leaving in half and hour, at which point Ana realizes he’s still in possession of her underwear from the last chapter.

Ana thinks she’s being super sexy and dirty by not asking for her underwear back but, mate, you’re meeting his folks. Maybe, y’know, wear underwear? Ana finds a glass of cranberry juice Christian left her, so at least he understands how to battle off the bane of the world that is a UTI. Who ever said this blog doesn’t teach anyone anything, eh, Heisenberg?

She gets dressed, they dance and it’s graceful and carefree and all the other adjectives I’ve heard ten thousand times already to describe Christian, and they’re off. Ana notices Christian has gone all broody (read: he’s throwing a tantrum), and Ana asks him where he learned to dance, and my Rent sense were tingling:

For the one person that gets this joke, thank you.

Christian says he’s thinking about Mrs Robinson, and Ana once again strops that the woman who molested her partner “got the best of him”, because Ana is a compassionate and kind human being, or so I keep being told by the peripheray characters in this book. She’s refers to her “irrational anger and jealousy” over Mrs Robinson, and Ana, sweetie, only one of the emotions is irrational.

Hey, you remember that last chapter were Christian acknowledged that Ana didn’t like pain?

“”Why did you use a cable tie?”

He grins at me.

“It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s something different for you to feel and experience, I know they’re quite brutal, and I do like that in a training device.””

Brutal. Yeah, brutal is not a word I generally associate with being painless. Unless I’m talking about the various epic burns I dish out during the course of the day, that may not be physically painful but sure shatter the ego. They arrive at his parents house, and his parents are wonderful and charming and his little sister is loud and gorgeous, and then head through to be with Elliot, who’s bought Kate along. Not that putrid seacow! Ana says she’s surprised by how much affection is headed her way, and I’m not particularly surprised considering she can barely mask her contempt for every person she comes into contact with.

I spent a long time finding the perfect gif to go here, and I think this is it.

Ana mentions that she’s planning on visiting her mother in Georgia, and realizes she hasn’t told Christian about it. Within a page of her mentioning her trip, she’s referenced his anger three times, before he tells her that he’s mad at her. “Palm-twitchingly” mad. Here’s something: Ana and Christian have no formal arrangement about BDSM. They have engaged what amounts to some sensation play, because Ana has said-and Christian ackowledged- the fact that Ana doesn’t really like pain. And, because Ana has thought about a trip away without talking to the man who isn’t even her  boyfriend about it, he’s “palm-twitchingly” mad. He wants to hit her, not out of fun BDSM sexytimes, because he knows that Ana doesn’t like that. He just wants to straight-up hit her for disobeying him. No sex, no contract, no sub/dom, just abuse.

Kate mentions Ana’s meeting with Jose, apparently because winding up your potentially abusive friend’s partner is the best way to force them to get help? Christ, Kate is actually kind of an awful person. Ana wonders if she should just move to Georgia where “he can’t reach me”, and worries about the thought that he might hit her. Then he tries to finger her at the table, in front of his entire family, She tries to brush him off, and he clamps down on her thigh to stop her moving. Maybe just don’t fingerbang your sex buddy while you’re having a nice dinner with the family, eh, Christian? Though as vampires who are thousands of years old, they’ve probably seen it all. I’m sorry, but the Twilight feel off this chapter is unavoidable (and yes, I read it, back in high school where I agreed to read it if the person I borrowed it off would read Carrie).

After dinner, Christian wants to show Ana the grounds.

“..he bends down, and scoops me over his shoulder.I squeal loudly with shocked surprise, and he gives me a ringing slap on the behind.

“Keep your voice down,” he growls.

Oh no…this is not good. My subconscious is quaking at the knees. He’s mad about something..”

I want my favourite Doctors bingo now. Just need a Matt Smith gif to take me home…

Now, this film was done pretty much precisely like this is the movie, and it was totally gross then in a way I couldn’t put my finger on in the book. Again, it’s the fact that Ana is scared, is not sure why she’s being punished, and doesn’t know what to expect from this scene. This is disgracefully unsafe BDSM, because he’s hitting her without her consent, because he is angry about her wanting to express her personal autonomy. This is so clearly abuse that I wouldn’t trust anyone who can’t see it.

Christian carries Ana to the boathouse, tells her he’s going to spank her then fuck her, but unfortunately we have to duck out before any stupidly boring sexing begins. Hold on in there, my sweet angels!

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May 17, 2015

Movie Review: Mad Max: Fury Road

So, I went to see the George Miller-directed continuation of the Mad Max series last night, a movie that spent so long wrapped up in production hell that I was worried it would surely be a disappointment when it did come out. I was desperately wrong.

There isn’t a huge amount to say about Mad Max other than “you should see it”- which I will scream directly into your face while standing on top of a spiky car and playing the electric guitar, or something, because George Miller knows how to have fun with his blockbusters dog-goneit. He also knows how to create a stunning aesthetic- I spent maybe the first half hour grinning-actually grinning, in the cinema, like an idiot- because I was so blown away but how spot-on they’d got the look of the thing. Acrid, dusty, and leaving you with that feeling of having to clean under your fingernails, it’s a treat for sci-fi fans bored of the glossy, handsome, sterile future.

See? Feminism can be fun!

If you’ve seen the trailers, you’ll have an idea of what’s coming next: it’s precisely two-hours of a road chase as Charlize Theoron’s Furiosa attempts to outrun the Immortal Joe (played by the original series Toecutter, Hugh Keays-Byrne) and his psychotic, paint-huffing Warboys. Tom Hardy’s Max ends up along for the ride as Furiosa tries to rescue Joe’s handful of beautiful wives from captivity. And yes, it’s violent. Spectacularly so.

Immortal Joe in full, spectacular costume.

This isn’t just violence; this is violence as decadence, this is violence where you’re meant to gorge yourself till your fat and sticky and unable to walk, this is a vertiable Babylon’s Feast of greasy, nasty, delicious shock. With apparently everything done without CGI or green-screen, the action sequences look fantastic- giant war rigs tearing through the arid desert to the sounds of thrumming electric guitar, smashing, exploding, tearing people to shreds. And yeah, while the film does take a bit of a dip whenever we get to the talky stuff (not that there’s much dialogue at all), the performances- particularly Nicholas Hoult’s Nux, a Warboy with a deathwish who winds up joining forces with our heroes (full disclosure: as another addition to Louise’s Big List of Wierd Crushes, I’ve never found Nicholas Hoult more attractive than he was here. See below for how incorrect I am).

LOOK, THERE WAS A SHOT OF HIS BICEP AND I WAS POWERLESS.

But this was Charlize Thereon’s movie, no doubt- her simple, stark, brilliant performance dominated the screen more than the fifty-foot war rig she drove for most of the movie. And yes, this is a spectacularly feminist movie, proof that you don’t have to set out to make a feminist manifesto (or diminish male characters) to score high on that chart. There’s lots I could take apart here-buy me a cocktail, and I will explain to you how it’s a powerful screed on reproductive rights whether you want me to or not- but all I can say is this: Mad Max: Fury Road is one of the most singularly entertaining films I’ve seen in ages, a breathless, aesthetically stunning thrillride that left everyone n the cinema with a swagger in their step, as all good action films should. If you haven’t seen it yet, do it, and if you have, why aren’t me and you discussing it over drinks right now?

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May 15, 2015

“I Don’t Like Labels!”: TV’s Problem with the Word “Bisexual”

TV, we need to talk. Because, between my job (which involves writing about you) and my hobbies (which involve watching far more than the daily recommended allowance of you), you’re a big part of my life. And you’ve started getting me pretty pissed in the last few months.

Ever since I wrote a blog post coming out as bisexual to the internet (which responded with a shrugging “huh” as I put the Scissor Sisters on an endless loop and filled my flat with rainbow confetti), the way I look at my sexuality has changed. I feel confident identifying myself as LGBT, even though I used to shy away from the label; I’ve had long, productive discussions with people from all bits of the sexuality spectrum about sexuality, gender, and attraction; for probably the first time, I’m confident in challenging people on their insidious biphobia, and I’m 100% certain in yes, this is what I am, and it’s great and it makes me happy that the people close to me recognise that.

So TV, I came to you with my rainbow patches sewn on to my messenger bag(s), and I was finally on the lookout for bisexual characters on TV. And I was disappointed. I’ve written about bi-erasure in TV and movies before, but it was watching an episode of Arrow that really hammered home for me a particular bugbear in the way we depict and talk about apparently bisexual people on TV.

I’ve been dipping in and out of Arrow since season one, but I’m back on board now, and I discovered, to my delight, that one of their major characters-the original Black Canary- had been in a relationship with a woman, and had also had romantic entanglements with men. “Great!” thought I, “an intelligent, powerful, cool character who isn’t a) a vampire (seriously, so many vampires are bisexual that I think I might well be a blood-sucking minion of the undead myself) or b) outlandishly promiscuous, and identifies as bisexual!”.

But, then, of course, I had to go ruin it by looking up what the people behind this revelation had said about her sexuality. The producers had this to say on the matter:

“…we really wanted to approach it like not be salacious, and be sensitive, and be realistic. We actually specifically avoid using the term ‘bisexual.’ We didn’t want to label her at all. Let her be her own person. If the audience wants to label, fine, but we wanted to not make it like it’s that specific.”

Aside from the irritating re-iteration of the “my characters are out of my hands” trope (if you’re creating them, then no, you are entirely accountable for their actions), and the fact that they, inadvertently or not, described bisexuality as “salacious”, I finally managed to put my finger on why this bothered me so much: it’s the “We don’t like labels” line.

Now, let me be clear: if you’re a person who exists in real life and prefers not to label your sexuality, that’s great. I don’t deny that you exist, and you’re welcome to define your sexuality however you see fit.  The reason this really gets under my skin is because, time and time again, I see characters acting in an explicitly bisexual way- ie, having romantic and/or sexual relationships with both genders- only to be described as simply “not liking labels”. Take Brittany in Glee- described as “fluid” or “queer” throughout the show’s run, the writers continually use bisexual as a stand-in for a confused gay person (see also: this rant). Then there’s the straight/gay characters who have a dalliance with people/persons not of their preferred gender, with the word “bisexual” not even whispered in the next room. Sex and the City’s Samantha has an intense emotional and sexual relationship with a woman after consistently sleeping with men, and that part of her life is simply referred to as “When I was a lesbian…”. In Sherlock, Irene Adler is described solely as a lesbian, even though she admits to having strong feelings for the titular character (then, maybe we’ve got Mark “I think a lot of people who say they are bisexual aren’t” Gatiss to thank for that). The Buffyverse has a handful of examples where someone seems like they could be bisexual, only for the option to not even be considered (Willow, and, later, Buffy, to name a couple). Maybe the most prominent bisexual character on TV, Piper, from Orange is the New Black, is only referred to as bisexual one in the show’s whole run, with characters generally just outright calling her straight or gay. Fox nixed an arc for Marissa in The OC where she came out as bisexual, after one fling with a woman. Then, of course, you’ve got the people who experimented in college, but are now firmly straight and only look at it as a phase; you’ve got the Sweeps Week Lesbian Kiss, you’ve got more tropes than you could count where people act in a way that seems to fit with the term “bisexual” but continually skate around the term.  I could go on and on and on and on and on here: if you don’t believe me, take a look at TV Tropes page for No Bisexuals. 

I’m not demanding that every person who has a single flirtation with both genders must instantly be embroidered with a scarlet “B”. I know people who’ve had relationships with both genders, who define themselves as gay or straight, and that’s cool. And I know people who’ve had relationships with both genders, who do identify as bisexual, and, like me, a lot of them are flapping their arms around going “where am I?” when they watch television. We choose to identify ourselves as something, then being blasted by pop culture which tells us that no, we’re just straight and lying or gay and lying. It’s a weird thing, to watch someone who acts like you act, who is attracted to the same spectrum of people you’re attracted too, and then be told time and time again “no, this isn’t you, and if you think it is, you’re wrong”. Considering the number of people who do happily identify as bisexual, constantly skirting the use of using that word is to deny the existence of that community to some extent.  When even the National LGBTQ Taskforce is publishing articles- on Bisexual Pride Day, no less!- encouraging bi-identifying people to drop that label and go with queer instead, it would be nice to have somewhere that embraced the word for what it was- a way of identifying and naming a common sexuality, a word that many people use to describe themselves. And it’s not just bisexuals: pansexuals, asexuals, basically anyone who falls outside of the mono-sexual binary basically doesn’t exist on TV.

So what the hell is TV’s problem with the word “bisexual”? They’ve obviously got no issue calling people straight or gay when they act in a way that stereotypically fits what we define as “straight” or “gay”. And I wouldn’t mind the odd character having a dalliance with someone outside their preferred gender, only to decide it’s not for them. But when it comes to “not liking labels”, the only label that TV writers seem to have a real problem with is bisexual.

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May 14, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Supergirl Trailer

Let’s take some time out of our day to enjoy the first major female-led superhero show (Agent Carter, while cool and excellent, is not a superhero herself)- namely- CBS Supergirl trailer. It’s a long one, so buckle in

0:14: Does this have anything to do with Man of Steel? I fucking hope to Christ it doesn’t. That film damn near finished me.

0:33: It’s cool that they didn’t bother coming up with their own backstory for Supergirl. Nah, just the same as Superman’s, really. So, fingers crossed, for Red Sun starring Supergirl, right?

0:44: Melissa Benoist is here, and she’s blonde and competent with an apparently high-level job. I’m trying really hard to be up for this, but I hated her character in Glee so much that I’m struggling a little. DO IT FOR FEMINISM, LOU!

0:46 HOLY FUCKING DICKSUCKERS, THAT’S JEREMY JORDAN FROM SMASH! GIVE US A TUNE, JEREMY! SING ME A SONG!

1:09: I’m up for more powerful women, but also that “funny” stop-the-music-here’s-a-joke-line was shite.

1:39 Much as I am struggling to get over the Melissa Benoist factor, I’m already wet for how many women are in this thing. This is good for the superhero industry, because, y’know, Black Widow, Pepper Potts, that chick Natalie Portman played in Thor, Cobie Smulders, and whoever else I’ve forgotten just doesn’t constitute representation.

1:59: Alright, I’ll grudgingly admit it: this earnest stuff from Benoist is reminding me of Grant Gustin in The Flash, which cannot be anything but a really good thing. She can lift a bus, don’t you know?

2:01: FROM THE WORLD OF DC COMICS. Oh good fucking Christ no.

2:06: Yes. He said Geneva. Quite clearly. That’s what he said.

2:19: Why does no-one fly with their arms tucked into their sides? Surely that would be more streamlined.

2:46: Yada yada yada she saves a plane from crashing. One has to wonder, though, if she’s known about all her amazing powers for so long, why did it take her sister being in danger before she did something? We have a case of “my powers are only relevant when the plot decides that they are”, potentially. And don’t give me that bullshit about her “wanting a normal life”: she’s a fucking alien, and if her cousin can fold a truck in half when someone’s a dick (look, I fell asleep a lot in Man of Steel, I don’t remember things) then she can use her powers for good too.

3:00: BALLS. BALLS WOULD NO-ONE HAVE GOT A CLEAR PICTURE OF HER. BALLS TO THAT.

3:32: This is so stridently feminist I think I just squirted. I know this is pandering directly to me, and I love it.

3:44: I don’t think this is a very good bit of acting. Ah, Melissa Benoist, you’re halfway there, but every line is delivered in a kind of breathy, earnest mulch and it’s hard not to get a little bit bored.

3:50: Yeah, the only reason she doesn’t like you is ’cause she’s gay. Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? Because that line is going to make it hella difficult. If I wind up liking his disgraceful character in Smash more than him here, it’s going to be an international catastrophe.

4:29: Look, I know it’s because that’s the way she is in the comics, but couldn’t we have many skipped the fucking micro-mini skirt? It’s just not as practical as trousers. And, if you don’t believe me, answer me this: why isn’t Superman wearing one too?

4:43: RIGHT I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’LL NEED TO SAY THIS, BUT KNEE-HIGH FUCKING BOOTS ARE NOT PRACTICAL CRIME-FIGHTING GEAR. THEY’RE NOT PRACTICAL *ANYTHING* GEAR. Honestly, I’m trying quite hard not to flip a table right now, which is an over-reaction, but also shut up.

5:15: Yeah, shut up, you fucking super-powerful, flying, bulletproof alien. WHAT GOOD COULD YOU BE TO FIGHTING A PRETERNATURAL TERRORIST.

5:23: “The world needs you to fly!” DOES it, though.

5:58: “IT’S NOT A MAN” Was this show created specifically to stop me bitching about the lack of women in the superhero world? Because that’s beginning to feel like what this trailer is.

636: Here is my final thought; I’m for this on an intellectual level, but this has not assuaged my fear that I find Meliisa Benoist seriously annoying and kind of wish almost anyone had been cast except her because I was always going to come at this show with preconceptions. I am, however, willing to be proven wrong, and pray to Zod I will be.

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