The Cutprice Guignol

Let’s take some time out of our day to enjoy the first major female-led superhero show (Agent Carter, while cool and excellent, is not a superhero herself)- namely- CBS Supergirl trailer. It’s a long one, so buckle in

0:14: Does this have anything to do with Man of Steel? I fucking hope to Christ it doesn’t. That film damn near finished me.

0:33: It’s cool that they didn’t bother coming up with their own backstory for Supergirl. Nah, just the same as Superman’s, really. So, fingers crossed, for Red Sun starring Supergirl, right?

0:44: Melissa Benoist is here, and she’s blonde and competent with an apparently high-level job. I’m trying really hard to be up for this, but I hated her character in Glee so much that I’m struggling a little. DO IT FOR FEMINISM, LOU!

0:46 HOLY FUCKING DICKSUCKERS, THAT’S JEREMY JORDAN FROM SMASH! GIVE US A TUNE, JEREMY! SING ME A SONG!

1:09: I’m up for more powerful women, but also that “funny” stop-the-music-here’s-a-joke-line was shite.

1:39 Much as I am struggling to get over the Melissa Benoist factor, I’m already wet for how many women are in this thing. This is good for the superhero industry, because, y’know, Black Widow, Pepper Potts, that chick Natalie Portman played in Thor, Cobie Smulders, and whoever else I’ve forgotten just doesn’t constitute representation.

1:59: Alright, I’ll grudgingly admit it: this earnest stuff from Benoist is reminding me of Grant Gustin in The Flash, which cannot be anything but a really good thing. She can lift a bus, don’t you know?

2:01: FROM THE WORLD OF DC COMICS. Oh good fucking Christ no.

2:06: Yes. He said Geneva. Quite clearly. That’s what he said.

2:19: Why does no-one fly with their arms tucked into their sides? Surely that would be more streamlined.

2:46: Yada yada yada she saves a plane from crashing. One has to wonder, though, if she’s known about all her amazing powers for so long, why did it take her sister being in danger before she did something? We have a case of “my powers are only relevant when the plot decides that they are”, potentially. And don’t give me that bullshit about her “wanting a normal life”: she’s a fucking alien, and if her cousin can fold a truck in half when someone’s a dick (look, I fell asleep a lot in Man of Steel, I don’t remember things) then she can use her powers for good too.

3:00: BALLS. BALLS WOULD NO-ONE HAVE GOT A CLEAR PICTURE OF HER. BALLS TO THAT.

3:32: This is so stridently feminist I think I just squirted. I know this is pandering directly to me, and I love it.

3:44: I don’t think this is a very good bit of acting. Ah, Melissa Benoist, you’re halfway there, but every line is delivered in a kind of breathy, earnest mulch and it’s hard not to get a little bit bored.

3:50: Yeah, the only reason she doesn’t like you is ’cause she’s gay. Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? Because that line is going to make it hella difficult. If I wind up liking his disgraceful character in Smash more than him here, it’s going to be an international catastrophe.

4:29: Look, I know it’s because that’s the way she is in the comics, but couldn’t we have many skipped the fucking micro-mini skirt? It’s just not as practical as trousers. And, if you don’t believe me, answer me this: why isn’t Superman wearing one too?

4:43: RIGHT I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’LL NEED TO SAY THIS, BUT KNEE-HIGH FUCKING BOOTS ARE NOT PRACTICAL CRIME-FIGHTING GEAR. THEY’RE NOT PRACTICAL *ANYTHING* GEAR. Honestly, I’m trying quite hard not to flip a table right now, which is an over-reaction, but also shut up.

5:15: Yeah, shut up, you fucking super-powerful, flying, bulletproof alien. WHAT GOOD COULD YOU BE TO FIGHTING A PRETERNATURAL TERRORIST.

5:23: “The world needs you to fly!” DOES it, though.

5:58: “IT’S NOT A MAN” Was this show created specifically to stop me bitching about the lack of women in the superhero world? Because that’s beginning to feel like what this trailer is.

636: Here is my final thought; I’m for this on an intellectual level, but this has not assuaged my fear that I find Meliisa Benoist seriously annoying and kind of wish almost anyone had been cast except her because I was always going to come at this show with preconceptions. I am, however, willing to be proven wrong, and pray to Zod I will be.