An episode of Doctor Who in which no-one mentioned Clara: truly, it’s a Christmas miracle.
Nah, but seriously though: happy holidays one and all, and I hope you spent Christmas in the traditional haze of drunken, overfull perma-lounging. And, of course, with Christmas comes the Doctor Who Christmas special.
Well, that was…an episode.
It’s an impressive show that can relegate a major character death to the back burner of a mid-season episode, but Vikings did just that- even as Slaugy brought it at the hands of Lagertha in what was, for my money, Alyssa Sutherland’s best scene in her run on the show, Vikings returned instead to the major conflict that has always been the driving force behind the show: religion.
So, it’s the holiday season once more! I hope that, whether or not you celebrate anything this time of year, you enjoy some time with your friends, family, or just your fine ol’ self. Or a cat. In fact, scratch the other things- if you can find a cat, spend the next two weeks with them over literally anyone else.
This time of year can be tough for people- for me, personally, it’s a rough month. I know that the general atmosphere of cheer and joy can translate into “everyone else is happy so why can’t YOU be you miserly cow?!”, and the pressure to be jolly and not shit on anyone else’s good time can be overwhelming. It’s also a busy, stressful time where you will generally end up spending a substantial amount of money compared to the rest of the year. Look, there’s a reason every stalks around January all miserable, is all I’m saying. And I find that one of the things that makes me happiest is doing nice things for other people- so I thought I’d share some of the ways I do that around the Christmas season in the hopes that you are as selfishly altruistic as I am and it cheers you up too!
Send a Prison Rape Survivor a Christmas Message– exactly what it sounds like, and free!
Give a Samaritans Promise Card– Another free one, and a lovely gesture for a friend who might be going through a hard time too.
Write for Rights – Pass on a message of hope to someone suffering a human rights injustice.
Donate Food to Food Banks– There will always be one closer to you than you think. I’ve found this better than forcing the last packet of Christmas Mini Cheddars down my face while weeping and gaining the last ounce of that Christmas forty pounds
Reserve a Christmas Dinner Space for a Homeless Person– courtesy of Crisis.
Random Acts of Christmas– Yes, Reddit is often a festering shithole, but this lovely subreddit offers cash-strapped families with children the opportunity to share their kid’s wishlists through Amazon, and you can buy gifts for them.
And of course, if you’re feeling down and need someone to talk to, please get in touch with any of the organisations below.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, and will join me for another year of snarking, whining, and general reviewing in the New Year!
Spoilers ahead!
So, before we get into this review, it’s worth noting that I am a Star Wars fan to an absolutely stupid degree. Everything Star-Wars related is going to be an automatic pass from me; I’ve seen Attack of the Clones four times, I’ve even read quite a bit of that dire X-Wing Academy series, for goodness sake. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away is my happy place, and has been since I was four years old. As evidenced by my Force Awakens review last year, I am anything but neutral on the topic of Star Wars, and so there’s no way in hell I could ever give Rogue One: A Star Wars Story a fair review.
Who is Ragnar Lothbrok?
As you’ve probably noticed by now, Netflix recently released a new show to add to it’s enormous roster; The Crown. The most expensive show the streaming service has backed to date, it promised to tell the story of British history from the nineteen-forties onward, all filtered through the eyes of the royal family and, particularly, Queen Elizabeth II. Trailers promised money-shitting lavishness, sweeping drama, quality acting, and more British history than you can shake a stick at. Even if they did cast an American as Winston Churchill. Whatever- the reviews came rolling in, and they were phenomenal, praising the cast, the direction, the writing, every little aspect they could get their grabby little pleb hands on.
Are you HUNGRY for RECAPS? No? Ah well, shame, because Vikings has finally made it’s semi-triumphant return, and I am HERE for the next eight episodes. Starting with this week, I’ll be reviewing each episode of the back half of season four- which has already set itself up into an extremely tantalising little run.
The amount of gorgeous this picture contains is precisely as gorgeous as I always think I am, by the way.
IT’S TIME. That’s right, loyal and long-suffering readers- the Fifty Shades Darker trailer has arrived, and my oh my, have I missed having something to direct my boundless fury towards. Let’s DO THIS THING.
0:02: OH THE UNIVERSAL LOGO IS IN SHADES OF GREY DO YOU GET IT DO YOU DO YOU GE-
0:07: “I want you back”- we don’t, mate, trust me.
0:17: Ana agrees to have dinner with him, but only because she’s hungry. But…not for food? If the books have taught me anything, that’s the case. Also, the smile Jamie Dornan has on his face here is the exact face the kid in We Need to Talk About Kevin makes when he shits himself to piss off his mother. The. Exact. Face.
0:24: Ana pays the bill, and Christian laughs- are they going to show the bit where he says that her paying the bill will “unman” him, or…?
0:30: “I’ve never been happier” than in this month-long relationship that has already been through a break-up that left you unable to eat for a week. Finally, something for women to aspire to!
0:34: “Slip out”. Is that a tagline they want attached to this movie? Slip out? Because…that makes me think of that awkward moment when a guy goes in for too hearty a thrust and ends up falling out of you. Just me?
0:44: She’s taking off her underwear under the table…but there doesn’t appear to be a tablecloth to shield them from the room full of other diners? So, is everyone just politely pretending not to notice than Ana has just dumped her panties on the floor, or…?
1:00: He jams his fingers up her in an elevator because he’s classy, we know the drill. You know the director of Glengarry Glen Ross is directing this tripe? Bloody hell.
1:02: This is the pool table scene, in which he spanks her a bit in a game room because HE’S SO DARK AND DANGEROUS AND KINKY.
1:09: Ah, Jack Hyde, the man who’s really only marginally worse than Christian and the main villain of this movie. I mean, he’s not the one who literally tells her not to “overthink this” when she turns down his advances and has sex with her anyway, but Christian has…muscles, I suppose,which makes it okay?
1:18: Nah, I think the first woman who tried to save him was his mother, who adopted him when he was a traumatized young boy and coaxed him out of his shell, eventually giving him the confidence to become a successful businessman. But you know.
1:21: Ana is briefly jealous of that helicopter because Christian refers to it with female pronouns and no, I’m not joking.
1:31: Ah, Leila, my favourite character, because she tries to murder Ana and/or Christian.
1:43: Does the guy playing Jack Hyde-don’t know his name, don’t care-look like a cross between Matt Bomer and Alexander Skarsgard to anyone else? Just me?
1:47: Ooh, massage oil, that’s how you KNOW he’s filthy-minded beyond all recompense.
1:1: I am looking forward to seeing Christian’s helicopter crash. I’ll just leave the cinema then and pretend that’s the end of the trilogy.
2:00: Aye, don’t fuck her or anything, that’d be rubbish.
2:10: LOTS OF DRAMATIC LOOKING IN PRETTY DRESSES.
2:22: “If something were to happen to you, I could never forgive myself” unless I inflicted i upon you myself, of course, which I will do repeatedly over the course of this story if it’s anywhere close to it’s paperback counterpart. As ever, you can read my full takedown of Fifty Shades Darker and it’s predecessor right here on this blog– and in the meantime, we shall all wait with baited pussies over the arrival of the only thing we as women are allowed to get turned on over, apparently.
Trigger warning for graphic discussion of sexual assault and rape.
So, my apologies for the delay between blog posts- it was my birthday on Sunday, and, despite having very little planned, I ended up doing a lot more and seeing many more people than I had initially intended. Then I was down in London for two days, and then I had to spend quality catch-up time with the cat on my return, etc, etc.
Excuses aside, it’s time to talk about a show that I’ve been aggressively ramming down your throats for the last two years: Vikings. Yes, in case you weren’t already tired of me twatting myself silly over Travis Fimmel’s amazing lead performance as Ragnar or the show’s killer fight scenes or what have you, it’s time to talk about the second-best historical show on TV (yo, what’s up, my fellow Outlander fans?).
