The Cutprice Guignol

Yep, a big thank you/fuck you to the person who bought me a copy of this to recap, because you’ve very likely ruined my entire life and, at the very least, put me behind on the schedule I intended to keep today. But here we go anyway; a condensed, chapter-by-chapter breakdown of Grey, the next book in the Fifty Shades franchise, as told from the point of view of Christian Grey. I’m going to powering through these all day, so check back for updates if I haven’t got to your favourite bit yet. I don’t think I can put this off any longer.

May 11, 2011/Chapter 1 (yes, the titles of chapters in Grey are just dates, but I’m sticking in a link to my Fifty Shades of Grey recaps too so you can see how this went down from the other point of view).

Oh my God, this writing is so bad. I’d forgotten. It’s like being with old friends. Christian meets Ana, and literally the first thing he thinks about her is that she would look good after a caning. Then he sees her “gaping” at him (but with what hole?) and thinks “Yeah, yeah, baby, it’s only a face”. Wow, you really are an unbelievably arrogant cuntbag, mate. Later in the chapter, he thinks about how he’s glad that she’s not immune to his charms. I must have had my innoculation, because all I want to do is vault the table and punch him through the face.

Since you’ve seen a lot of this before, I’m not going to bother recounting stuff you’ve already read, but suffice to say that Christian says “baby” six times in his internal monologue this chapter. When Ana asks if he’s gay, he thinks that he’d like to tie her up, spank her and fuck her, and we’re back with my old pals weird homophobia and rape. “How very dare you think I’m gay, when I only want to rape you!”

May 14 2011/Chapter 2

WE HAVE STALKING, REPEAT, WE HAVE STALKING! The chapter opens with several pages of Ana’s personal information that Grey acquired from a private detective, including her social security number and her bank account details. I like that EL has got the illegal stuff out the way early so we can focus on all the sexy, sexy romance.

Christian stalks her to her work, and wonders if Ana is gay- an idea he quickly brushes off, because it’s ridiculous to think that a woman who is attractive to men would be gay, amirite?

Christian wonders if he should have mentioned Ana to his therapist, Dr Flynn, but brushes that off when he considers the fact that he might have tried to stop Christian stalking Ana (and “stalker” is a word used to describe what Christian is doing, in the text). He’s glad that Ana is dressed in tight clothes, not the “shapeless shit” she was wearing when she met him. Yeah, God forbid she be comfortable during a work-related venture, you utter cunt.

He thinks about how hot Ana is, etc, then asks her what she likes; when she says British books, he immediatley thinks she means the “hearts and flowers” shit like Bronte. Can I remind you what other book falls into that category Christian? THIS ONE. Another man says hello to Ana, and “his eyes are all over her”, which makes Christian really mad.

Ana calls to arrange the photoshoot, and Christian gloats some more over how turned on she is, and I’m going to kill myself Or read chapter three.

May 15, 2011/Chapter 3

Christian goes to the photoshoot, where he meets Kate for the first time; he can tell by her handshake that she’s never faced a day of hardship in her life, unlike Ana, who has only been living off her rich friend all the way through college.

They do the photoshoot, and it’s pretty much the exact same as it is in the original novel, ie, shockingly boring. Ana and Christian go for coffee, and Christian asks if Jose is her boyfriend; she tells him he’s just a friend, but Christian thinks “oh, sweetheart, he wants to be more than a friend.” Because what the man wants, he gets, right ladies? It’s irrelevant that Ana isn’t interested in him if Jose wants to be with her.

Christian wonders if Ana is simply tolerating him to make sure that he doesn’t pull out of Kate’s interview, which is odd, because everything to do with the interview was over the minute they finished the photoshoot. This is a funny chapter, because Grey is basically thinking everything I thought he was- about how she’s right to be intimidated by him and stuff- except it’s written slightly worse than the original. Vis; on her eyes: “the colour of the ocean at Cabo, the bluest of the blue seas”. Wow. Just wow.

Christian asks her about her childhood, so he can mention the stuff his private investigator dug up without looking like a stalker. Man of your dreams, ladies. Man. Of. Your. Dreams.

They have their almost-kiss, Christian thinks about how she smells like his grandfather’s apple orchard (seriously), she storms off.

May 19, 2011/Chapter 4

Christian wakes up from a nightmare about his childhood, and stalks around his apartment, angry that he turned Ana down. He decides to send her some books-which he picks out from his own library so, um, kudos on the effort-then manages to patronise three female characters in the space of a page- first, by describing his receptionist greeting him as “a cheesy tune on repeat,” another drone as “fucking irritating” for “mooning” over him, and finally, indulgently calling another one of his female employees a “good girl” for remembering to put milk in his coffee. Christian, are you not the boss? Could you not fire these people if you don’t like them? Ah, but then where would the woman-hate in this book come from?

Christian talks some buisness with someone else, and it’s boring and reads like page-filler. Then he picks out a quote from the books he’s chosen to give Ana- Tess of the D’urbyvilles-inwardly scolds another female employee for looking at him flirtatiously, and the chapter is over. Merciful God!

Chapter 5

So, Christian and his brother Elliot decide to go to Portland to do some off-roading, then watch a football game, because Christian needs an excuse to stalk Ana and Elliot has got some girl blowing up his phone after he slept with her, lest we forget that all women in this book are infinitely worse than Anastasia Rose Steele.

Christian gets a call from Ana, wherein he deduces that she’s drunk and uses illegal means to track her phone and find out where she is so he can pick her up. Man, this is JUST as creepy and horrifying as I had hoped it would be! He arrives at the bar just in time to find Ana pushing Jose away, then throwing up all over everything; he genuinely inspects her vomit and notes that she hasn’t eaten much today, thus beginning our favourite “Eat/I’m not hungry” banter from the original novel.

Christian wonders if he should get a referral to rehab from his mother because Ana might have an alcohol problem and isn’t, I don’t know, a college student celebrating the fact she’s just graduated? Christian snootily thinks about what a shit friend Kate is, but not before he informs his brother that he’ll be taking a passed-out Ana back to his apartment, which she hasn’t agreed to. What a great guy! He thinks about how he should take her home, but he doesn’t want his car to smell of vomit, so that’s reason enough to take her back to his, undress her, and ogle her naked body. Apparently her eyelashes fan out over her pale cheeks, which is odd, because that sounds like it would be literally fucking impossible.

Christian emails his bodyguard, Taylor, to get clothes for Ana, and then his brother, who tells him that he hopes Christian gets laid. Which, considering that Elliot had seen Ana passed out drunk, means that he’s encouraging him to rape her…? Yeah, both the Grey brothers seem like fucking catches, good luck with them, ladies.

May 21, 2011/Chapter 6

Christian goes to bed, not before spending a creepy amount of time inspecting the sleeping Ana. Then he wakes up next to her, and we get this:

“..to wake up next to an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees.”

So, I’m going to assume from this point on that Christian’s inner goddess takes the form of his penis. We all on the same page here? Christian notices that Ana’s t-shirt has ridden up, and leaves before “I do something I’ll regret.” Rape her? Rape her while she’s sleeping? Is that what he’s saying right there? Jesus fucking Christ, EL, don’t dump all this on me in the first few chapters.

Ana wakes up, and Christian wonders if she’s woken up in a stranger’s bed before, unsure as to whether or not they had sex because she was passed out and unable to consent. I’m glad he recognises that the situation he’s put her in is a fucking horrible one, but it doesn’t take long for him to congratulate himself on his gentlemanliness and move on.

The conversation is the same as in the first book, ie, Christian says he would have spanked Ana if she’d done what she’d done on his watch, but we get this fun little aside this time round:

“An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingeroot in her ass so she can’t clench her buttocks, comes to mind.”

So, yeah, sorry if you read that while you were eating something.

Christian wonders if he should just ask if he likes her, but dismisses that immediately- that would be way too much like good sense. It’s fun to note that whenever Christian drifts off into imagining what he would like to do to Ana, her consent is nowhere near the equation, so EL got that bang-on right. Oh, and she’s also captured the internalized mysoginy, plus the weird habit her characters have of giving random female characters who are percieved to be too flirtatious or slutty dumb nicknames; here it’s Miss Dark Eyes. Funny how Christian and Ana have essentially the precise same internal voice, except Christian just says “fuck” a lot more. FUNNY.

Ana and Christian smooch in the lift, then he drives her back to her apartment. Hope she throws up all over your car, creepy little shit. Christian picks up Elliot, who’s been fucking Kate, and thinks about how he needs Ana’s consent before he touches her- let’s see how this plays out, shall we?

The chapter cuts to Christian picking Ana up from work and whisking her away in his sex-copter, which is really a chance for EL to prove that she is the queen of excruciating page-filler as Christian performs pre-flight checks like the sexy dom he is. They arrive at his apartment, and Jesus Christ is this a waste of pages as they rehash the precise same conversation they had in the original book. Nothing is added to it by his internal monologue, and if I actually paid money for this, I would be beyond furious at the lack of new content. I know this is a re-telling, but a re-telling is there to add a new layer to the story, no?

Chapter 7 (not actually a new chapter in Grey, but this is where Chapter 7 came in the original book)

He shows her the playroom, and again, it’s the same fucking shit I covered back in Fifty Shades of Grey. Is this book all some kind of cruel joke? When EL claimed that the manuscript had been stolen, did she just mistake a copy of Fifty Shades for her new novel because they are literally the same book?

Ana tells Christian she’s a virgin, and we get a better look at his outright rage, his monologue snarling “What the fuck do I want with a virgin?”, when the real question should be “what the fuck does anyone want with Christian Grey?” Christian gets over his rage, and decides to “break her in”, so they go to bed.

Chapter 8

So, they have sex for the first time, Christian finds Ana’s “fumbling inexperience” a turn-on, because virgins are the only kind of women worth having sex with. When Ana tells him she doesn’t masturbate, he thinks “I’m going to make you come like a freight train, baby,” which, well:

The sex is as bland as ever, though slightly better now that we don’t have to read about him “ripping” through her virginity.  HOLD UP! Christian thinks that he “starts to move, really move”, and it’s genuinely like EL just switched out some pronouns here and there and published the same book. This is brilliant, doubling the lifespan of every erotic novel ever written with next to no effort! He “comes violently” and they have sex again. He keeps going on about how wet she is, and that would be because you broke her hymen and she’s bleeding quite a lot, if we remember from the first book, so don’t get too self-congratulatory there, mate.

May 22 2011/Chapter 9

Christian thinks about how much he will enjoy training Ana, and his cock “twitches in agreement”, so let’s go with that being his Inner Goddess. There’s a weird bit of editing as Christian flashes back to his time with one of his previous subs, who, spoiler alert, is going to try and kill herself in front of his housekeeper:

“Can I speak freely? Sir,” Leila asks.” Surely that question mark should be after the “sir”, no?

Christian catches Ana dancing around bottomless in the kitchen, and he tugs on her pigtails and tells her that they won’t protect her, same as in the first book, but now we get this fun little extra:

“Not from me. Not now that I’ve had you.”

Because once you’ve fucked a girl, she doesn’t really get a say in whether or not you get to do it again, amirite? Christian continues to get aroused every time he fucking considers the concept of Ana, and then they go for a bath together so she can suck his dick. And then we get the reason that snowballing wasn’t on the list of hard limits:

“I taste my ejaculate in her mouth. Grasping her head, I deepen the kiss.”

He goes down on her, and they fuck again, and it’s just as creepy as in the book because he doesn’t outrightly ask for consent even after she’s said how sore she is. And I know fans are going to hold up that bit where he says he wants consent as proof that he doesn’t do anything wrong, to which I reply “OMG, just read the book!” as they have done to me for generations. Then his mother arrives.

Chapter 10

We don’t learn anything new from the encounter with his mother, except that he doesn’t go to church. Ana gets a call from Jose, and she radiates anxiety “as she should be” over Christian’s reaction. Damn, this is where we get into some serious abuse territory, so let’s see what EL comes up with to try and justify it this time round! Christian wonders if Ana was using him to break her in before she goes off with Jose, so there’s your excuse for frightening Ana with his moodiness right there. He gives her the contract.

He gets annoyed at her asking to speak to Kate about sex, then they head off back to Ana’s together, but not before the romance hero of your dreams ignores the fact that Ana isn’t hungry and forces her out to lunch. They discuss all the stuff they did in the original chapter of Fifty Shades, and then Christian goes home and thinks about how much he’d like to fuck Ana. We even get to re-read the email he sends her, in case we’d forgotten.

May 23, 2011/Chapter 11/12

Christian wakes up and emails Elena, the woman who statutorily raped him when he was a young teenager, so at least EL gets a chance to misrepresent that relationship as healthy, too! There’s some interminably boring crap as Christian does some conference calls and spreadhseet work, and then we get back to the good stuff.

They email the same emails back and forth, then Christian recieves the email from Ana that reads “Okay, I’ve seen enough, it was nice knowing you.” Christian is infuriated at her lack of gratitude, and decides that “she needs to look [him] in the eye and say no”. Because it’s totally cool to force a woman you’ve had sex with a few times to give you closure after she has politely turned you down. As he arrives at her house, he wonders if it’s reckless or presumptuous to be there,  to which the answer is yes, Christ yes, so many times yes. Kate lets him in, and he goes to Ana’s room. He demands to know what she meant by the email, and Ana throws herself at him for some fucking reason.

In this chapter in the original book, Ana says “no” as she kicks Christian away, and he carries on. We know because of her internal monologue that she’s talking about her smelly feet, but Christian has no way of knowing that. Unless, of course, the author intervenes- “I know that it’s because she’s been running and doesn’t want me to remove her shoes.” How do you know that, Christian? Pray tell, because I’m sure it’s a defense lots of rapists could do with knowing. He ties her wrists to the bed (without her consent), blindfolds her (without her consent), and spits wine in her mouth (without her consent). Do I have to make a point about actions being louder than words, or have I made myself fucking clear?

In his head, Christian thinks “This is not a no”, which, you know, defense for rapists once again. I’m not saying that this is a rape scene, just that Christian Grey happens to have the internal monologue of someone who IS a rapist, what with all the “she’s not saying no, so I’ll carry on” stuff. They finish, Christian says he wants to go, then gets annoyed at Ana for wanting him to leave.

May 24 2011/Chapter 13

Christian goes back home, and then he- oh, you have GOT to be shitting me. Yep, we get another bunch of pages dedicated to reporducing the fucking contract in full. Because that wasn’t a thunderingly boring piece of shit the first time round, was it now? Why the christ does Christian need to look over it again? He fucking WROTE it! This is bullshit, and the publishing industry needs to take a long, hard look at itself.

He reads Ana comments on it, then they email back and forth-again, crap that we’ve already read, crap that is not expanded on at all by Christian’s inner monologue-and Christian thinks how funny and charming Ana is, which is funny in itself because Ana is about as funny as fucking Legionnaire’s Disease.

Christian goes to some buisness meetings that do nothing to expand on his character or the plot, he and Ana email back and forth some more, and he gets annoyed at her refusal to submit to him. Because that’s exactly the kind of thing you want to think about your submissive, isn’t it? That she doesn’t like the idea of being a submissive? Christian Grey is the best  and most responsible dominant ever, y’all.

May 25 2011

Ana and Christian meet for dinner, and to discuss the contract. Christian keeps thinking about how Ana needs to trust him, apparently bypassing the idea of actually doing things that might lead her to believe he was trustworthy. It goes as well as the first time we read it, except EL James is trying to justify everything Christian does- including obliquely threatening to rape her in the bar- because he’s so damaged and broken and boo hoo fucking hoo.

“For a moment I wonder if we should have held this meeting in my office, but I dismiss the ideas as ridiculous”. Note that this is how this scene went down in the movie; a little venom for those who dared mess with your masterpiece, EL?

His inner monologue reveals that he chose this room to see if she could be quiet while he fucked her, which bothers me because she came here to discuss a contract, not to screw some idiot fuckwad. Ana tells him he uses sex as a weapon, and he agrees in a way that implies he doesn’t know that’s a bad thing. Streaming right by the abuse, Ana’s fear and his lack of interest does not make it go away, to be clear. Ana wants to leave, but Christian is desperate to seal the deal, so he ignores what she wants and tells her that he could seduce her right now if he wanted. She leaves, they email some more, it’s dull etc.

May 26 2011/Chapter 14

Christian gets huffy that he hasn’t heard any response from Ana, and goes to her graudation where he bumps into Kate. He listens to her speech, and describes her as “smart and popular and confident”, then wonders why she’d be friends with Ana. Me too. Me. Too.

Then there are pages and pages on the speech that EL deemed not important enough for the original book, but had to fill out in this one because there is nothing to say about the lingering fart of a character that is Christian Grey. Afterwards, he yanks her into a locker room, locks the door, and gets irrationally angry at her when she tells him that Jose services her car. Ana goes to meet with her stepdad, where Christian gets furious again because Kate’s brother is greeting Ana. This chapter is mostly just Christian being really angry that men who aren’t him have dared have contact with his woman, and that’s gross as fuck. Then we get this:

“Ana, baby,” I whisper, holding out my hand, and, like the good woman she is, she steps into my embrace”

Like the good woman she is?! Why does this sound so godamn awful? Maybe because, in Christian’s eyes, a good woman is one who knows that daring to have male friends makes her a dirty whore? Christian insists on referring to Ana’s stepdad as “Steele”, as if he couldn’t be more of a sub-Bond villain cock. Ana’s stepdad warns Christian that it’s up to Ana whether or not she wants a new car, something that Christian will ignore and then curse Ana out for later in the chapter.

Christian does some more buisness bullshit, then talks to his mother about the meal his family is having to celebrate his sister Mia’s arrival home. His mother wants him to bring Ana. So Christian of course emails Ana some more boring fucking emails and heads over to her house.

Chapter 15

Christian hopes that giving Ana some champagne will loosen her up, which falls neatly into the “while he has not outrightly raped her, it’s strange how much of Grey’s monologue could be that of a rapists” category. They argue about the books, and he steamrollers her even after she offers to donate money made from auctioning them to charity. He thinks “you could burn them for all I care”. I hope she fucking does.

They discuss the contract some more after Christian says he’s going to spank her if she rolls her eyes again (without her consent). Then we get another treat of a line that fits perfectly into the above category:

“Steady Grey, you just want her tipsy, not drunk.”

Yeah, I just want her moderately impaired when it comes to making these decisions about sexual boundaries. Because I’m a gentleman! There’s also this, after Christian snaps at Ana and scares her:

“ignore her reaction, Grey. Get on with it.”

Which is EXACTLY the kind of mindset I’d want my sexual partners in, especially when they’re going to be pushing my boundaries in a potentially damaging way.Christian takes her outside to show her the car he’s bought for her, after getting rid of her old one, and thinks “You wanted more, this is the price,” which isn’t really fair as this was never made clear to Ana as part of their deal. This chapter is a clusterfuck, I’m telling you.

She begs him not to be angry, and he thinks “don’t blow it, just because she doesn’t know how to behave.” And maybe, just maybe, if the woman you’re throwing into the deep end of submission doesn’t understand how she’s expected to behave, you should take some time out to explain it to her in more detail instead of getting her drunk to get her to agree to everything?

They fuck, yadda yadda, Christian threatens her some more with stuff she hasn’t agreed to, then he spanks her, which, according to his internal monologue, he’s wanted to do since she asked him if he was gay. Have a little homophobia with your abuse, why don’t you?

Chapter 16

“She gasps and tries to rise, but I hold her down.” Do I really have to explain why it’s utterly horrible that Christian ignores the fact that she tries to get up and away from the spanking, and instead just pins her down so she has no choice but to finish it?

He finishes spanking her, and notes that Ana is subdued and seems upset but leaves anyway because aftercare is really just besides the point as long as he’s had his fun, right? I honestly thought that the books might just show that Christian was oblivious to how upset Ana was, but no, he knows full well and just doesn’t care.

Christian and Ana email back and forth and Ana expresses that she’s upset, so Christian comes back. Kate tries to keep him out of the flat, but he ignores her because he, as a man, knows what’s better for Ana. He sees that she’s been crying, and basically gets annoyed at her for making him come all this way only for her to continue to defy him. Then they fall asleep together.

Chapter 17

Christian goes home, does more buisness pish, then reads an email Ana sends him regarding their encounter. Twice during reading, he blames her for not using her safeword, and not himself for not being able to read her signals-LIKE TRYING TO GET UP AND WALK AWAY- because he is the best dom ever. They email back and forth some more while Christian gives patronising nicknames to women who dare be around him, because dammit if EL James   Ana Steele isn’t the only woman for him!

Christian gets angry when Ana doesn’t call him, and we have to sit through his attending a dull fundraising dinner. Then he finds out she was with Jose, more irrational anger, etc,

May 28 2011

Christian goes to pick up Mia, and it has literally just struck me that we’ve seen so much more of Christian’s life outside of Ana than we saw of Ana’s outside of Christian- because nothing a woman can do is as important or interesting as what a man can, right, ladies?

We get to see a Grey family dinner, where Elliot is a massive wanker and Mia is the only other female in the book of Ana’s age that EL can talk nicely abut, because she isn’t a threat to Christian’s sexual interest. His family strongarm him into inviting Ana to dinner (read: politely enquire as to her plans), and Christian huffs off.

May 29 2011/Chapter 18

Ana comes over to Christian’s, where she’s about to get neutered because he doesn’t like to use condoms. She arrives, she looks great, Christian’s erection practically leaps free of his body, etc. She says she’s hungry but not for food, and Christian thinks that she “might as well be addressing my groin.” I wish she had. Because that would have been hilarious.

Ana goes on the pill, Christian stresses about the fact that he’s falling for her, etc, which you would think would be a good thing because Ana has consistently expressed her desire for a more intimate relationship. But then where would the conflict come from, I ask you? Where would the conflict come from?

They go to the playroom again, and again, it strikes me that Christian’s inner monologue is a thousand times as explicit as Ana’s was, because it’s fine for a man to know about sexuality but if a woman does it’s gross, right? As evidenced by the fact that Christian AND Ana have consistently been judgemental at the thought of other women-like Kate, or any of the tertiary female characters who are attracted to Christian. Cool. Cool. Great. Cool.

They fuck, it’s precisely the same as the first time I read it. Then Christian notices that Ana looks tired, so he decides to show her what being a submissive really means by…fucking her? Real ground-breaking, buddy. Ana goes to sleep, then she wakes up and they have to get ready to go for dinner at his parents. They dance together, where we get a brief flashback of Christian dancing with his molestor, so EL gets the chance to present their relationship as something healthy and brilliant once again.

Chapter 19 (to be clear, I’m only going to be recapping this book for as long as it matches up with the Fifty Shades of Grey recaps I already have-up to Chapter 22- but I’ll be doing the rest of it in tandem with my FSOG recaps, so do come back for those if you want to see how it turns out)

They get to the house of Christian’s parents, and Christian huffs and puffs over the fact his family seem to like Ana and are welcoming to her. When Elliot mentions that he’s going to Barbados with Kate and her family, Christian thinks “Kavanagh must be good in the sack- she certainly looks smug enough”, because any woman expressing their sexuality who isn’t Ana Steele is a disgusting, dirty, manipulative whore, in case you’d forgotten.

Christian continues to think horrible things about Kate-that she only has an internship because her father bought it for her, that she’s intrusive and he doesn’t know how Elliot puts up with her- apparently not realizing that Ana has been scrounging off both Kate and him- intentionally or not-for years now. Kate brings up Jose, and Christian goes nuclear, furious to think that the guy who tried to rape her (not that he thinks of it like that, because then the blame would be on Jose, not Ana) actually saw her again, and deciding that “She deserves to be punished” because she’d “already agreed” to be his. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Because this is not in the context of the BDSM relationship they’ve barely established the boundaries of; this is in the context of an abuser demanding control over the woman he’s abusing.

Christian tries to finger Ana at the table, and, when she closes her legs, he thinks “that’s it”, and finds an excuse to take her away from everyone so he can whale on her. Christian picks her up, spanks her (without her consent), and carries her to the boathouse, where Ana pleads with Christian not to hit her. His reaction? “But…I gape at her, paralyzed…that’s why we’re here”. Remember all that stuff Christian thought about needing consent to do stuff to Ana? Here he is, directly contravening that rule. She is saying “don’t do this thing to me” and his response is “we’re going to because I want to”. They fuck, and he tells her that she’s still getting a spanking for making him angry. One of the things he’s angry about, which isn’t covered in the original, is her not wearing panties, which is odd because he put her up to not wearing them.

So I’m sorry to say that things outside my control mean this is the end of my live blog, but do feel free to check out the rest of my Fifty-Shades related stuff in the blog directory up there, and stop by for the next few weeks when I’ll be finishing my recapping of both this book and Fifty Shades of Grey. Thanks for tuning in!

So, I’m in Berlin with a sprained ankle, the family, and a lot of red wine inside me, and I wasn’t planning on any blogging this week. Then this happened:

And I let out a long sigh and knew I had to write something about it. The book, which surely should have been titled One Shade of Grey, is nothing more than proof that James has no new ideas and is stuck hanging on to the one piece of plagiarism she did years ago to make money (lest we forget, Fifty Shades is plagiarized from Twilight, and this is plagiarized from the idea for never-published Midnight Sun, which was told from Edward’s point of view). So let’s talk about why you shouldn’t buy it.

The most important point is that, as a consumer, this book is going to be a pile of shite. We’ve already had chapters told in Christian’s POV in the novels, and all they’ve shown is that he’s an angry, cynical guy who seems to hate everyone. Which is fine in a Chuck Palanhuik novel, because Chuck isn’t trying to convince you that Tyler Durden is a sexy, romantic, loving hero any woman would be happy to share their life with. Sure, Ana is that too, but Christian doesn’t spend forty percent of the novel bemoaning his hair or being abused, so it’s hard to find something to not hate about him. The writing is dire as it is, and that’s when it’s taking cues from the base-level average Twilight series. It’s going to be shitty, because there’s no way you can make Christian and his actions likeable or acceptable. How will they make the bit where he gives his wife lovebites as a non-consensual punishment for sunbathing topless sound cute? Without Ana’s rationalisations, how will they turn the scene where he ignores her “no” and threatens to gag her after she thinks he has turned him down sexy? It’s going to be a catastrophe.

Secondly, it offers another chance for EL James to offer her damaging abuse apologia, with the story told from the point of view of “He Was Abused As A Kid So He Couldn’t Help It” Christian Grey. In the series that stands now, we have Ana desperately rationalising his abusive actions-which include stalking, sexual coercion, intimidation, manipulation, invasion of privacy, and atrocious BDSM conduct that lands him in the abuser category. Now, we will have a book where an abuser justifies his actions as romantic, while the author cheers him on in the background, as she has down with the rest of her bullshit magnum opus. If you wanted more mainstream validation for abuse, here it is. The only thing I hope for is that EL James misjudges this so badly that she winds up revealing Christian Grey the truly repulsive pig he is, the abuser so many fans were happy to ignore. Also, that every copy of it catches fire.

It’s time, you bunch of masochists, to jump back in to the twisted world of Fifty Shades of Grey. After the last couple of weeks’ horrifying dallies into non-consent as romance, I’m pleased to tell you that things take a turn for the better in Chapter Twenty. And by better I mean worse. And by worse I mean that you’ll need a bottle of wine and a loved one nearby.

Christian carries Ana into the boathouse, and, after spending a paragraph describing her surroundings down to the “nautical New England theme” (seriously), she thinks that she doesn’t have time to examine the boathouse because of the look Christian is giving her. He’s blazing with anger, lust, etc, etc, you’ve read this before, and Ana gets the first line of dialogue of the chapter:

“”Please don’t hit me,” I whisper, pleading”

Quick heads up for everyone everywhere: if your romantic partner has to plead with you not to hit them, you’re an abuser. Ana reiterates that she doesn’t want to be spanked, and then kisses Christian (honest to God, I nearly typed Edward). He pushes her off, confused, because:

“”You said no.”

“What?” No to what?

“At the dinner table, with your legs.””

So, to be clear, Christian angry at Ana because she didn’t want to be fingered at dinner with his family. Because Ana doesn’t get bodily autonomy, whether it’s to do with her contraception or not wanting to perform a certain sex act, and Christian is justified in getting angry with her for denying him his right to her body (which is not an agreed-upon term in their relationship). But oh wait, there’s more!

“I’m mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me. I’m mad because you went drinking with the guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk and who left you when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that? And I’m mad and aroused because you closed your legs on me.”

Slow down, Christian. So, you’re mad that Ana chose to spend time with a man who sexually assaulted- not seduced- her, then left her with a complete stranger? Does it not cross your mind that, what with you being that complete stranger, TAKING A DRUNK, VULNERABLE WOMAN HOME FROM A BAR ISN’T AN OKAY THING TO DO?

Ana gets super turned on by this, for some fucking reason, and they have sex; Christian tells her that if she comes he’ll spank her, even after she explicitly said two pages ago that she didn’t want to be hit. She doesn’t come, Christian’s sister bursts in, EL James uses the phrase “just-fucked” twice in a three-line paragraph, etc.

Christian and Ana go to say goodbye to everyone, and Ana admonishes Kate for winding up Christian; she replies that she’s just trying to show Ana how bad he can get. Yes, winding a clearly violently angry man up to see what he’ll do; a truly fucking innovative version of domestic abuse intervention.

They leave and get in the car, where they talk about her trip to Georgia some more. Christian asks to come with her, and she replies “I was hoping for a break from al this…intensity to try and think this through”, so, make plain note, she wants time away from Christian to think about their relationship. That is a thing that is said right here.

Christian asks Ana why she needs time to think, and she considers the fact that she thinks she’s in love with Christian, whearas he sees her as a toy to be “beaten” when she does something wrong. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL ABOUT YOUR PARTNER.

Ana says that she wants to make love to Christian, and he gets huffy and tells her to get ready for bed. But, because EL James can’t have these fuckers solve their problems with anything but a distractictingly awful sex scene, they fuck anyway. He tells her he’s going to spank her, but for their pleasure, not for punishment, which makes the fact that she doesn’t like being hit irrelevant, really. Seriously, did EL James leave years in between writing each chapter and forget what the fuck her stupid screw-dolls said in the last twenty pages? URGH.

He sticks Ban Wa balls up her poon, spanks her, and then fucks her (again, for less than half a page)

Within eight lines, Ana has brought the conversation back to his dislike of being touched, and he ends the chapter on this soothing refrain:

“The woman who bought me into this world was a crack whore, Ana.”

Just…wow, EL James. I bow before a master of the craft.

In world news today: Ireland apparently votes yes on gay marriage, bigots everywhere prepare for the apocalypse, and there’s a campaign to put Ainsley Harriot on a banknote.

You may have noticed that the blog schedule I came up with a couple of months ago has got spectacularly tits up, because I can do anything with glee (no, not that kind, don’t even click there) and passion provided I think I don’t have to do it. All I can say is that the Fifty Shades recaps will be up in the first couple of days in every week, and whatever else happens will happen. Shhh. Don’t fight it. *holds finger to your lips*

There were a bunch of things I was planning to write about today (most particularly Rape of Thrones, and how using rape as a major plot point for your female characters over and over is lazy as fuck), but instead I just want to share some of my picks of Netflix, something for you to binge-watch over this weekend. I’m probably going to start doing a recomendation list once every couple of weeks, because I watch a shit-ton of TV and movies that I never review for whatever reason but that I want to share with people, so if you like this, there will be more (if you don’t, bugger off to some other blog then, you- no, wait, come back, don’t leave, I need the clicks!) Where I am, it’s two in the afternoon, so you should have plenty of time to sear every frame of a show into your eyeballs. I’ll hear no excuses.

If you want…comedy

Frankie & Grace I’m not sure why this has received such a lukewarm response from critics, as it’s a beautifully crafted, funny-but-what’s-this-lump-in-my-throat-doing comedy with a belter of a cast (Sam Worthington, Martin Sheen, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda). Following the story of two very different women who are thrown together after their husbands leave them for each other, it’s warm-hearted and elegantly made, a very grown-up dramedy with some real emotional punch (mostly thanks to the sublimely well-drawn relationships between the lead four). At thirteen episodes, it’s perfect for a weekend binge-watch. Now is also the time to introduce yourself to Fawlty Towers and Father Ted, if you haven’t done so already, because WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR LIFE YOU WASTE OF SPACE.

If you want…sci-fi

Utopia There are a bunch of obvious choices on Netflix- Battlestar Galactica, off the top of my head- but the understated and very weird E4 drama is perfect to plow through over the course of a couple of days. Following the story of a bunch of normals who become caught up in the story behind a mysterious comic book, it’s violent, shocking, and has a couple of really impressive performances to boot-Fiona O’Shaughnessy as the not-quite-human Jessica Hyde is a real standout. If you prefer something more episodic, check out Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror, a handful of very dark, borderline satirical standalone sci-fi stories revolving around technology.

If you want…drama

There are loads of good places to start here, with everything from American Horror Story to Breaking Bad, but my money would have to go on The Good Wife. It’s always been slightly overlooked, but has scooped no less than five Emmys as well as a clutch of Golden Globes. Julianna Marguilles plays Alicia Florrick, a litigator who has to return to work after her husband (Chris Noth- yes, that Chris Noth) is jailed after a corruption and sex scandal. It’s a slow-burner, the sort of thing that bubbles away at the back of your mind until you can get to the next episode, and really I just need someone to talk to about it. Please? For me? Film-wise, shoot for the fantastically sleazy, very underrated The Paperboy. 

If you want…horror

Yeah, well, it’s my blog you’re reading, so you’re getting a horror section. In no particular order (and these are to be watched one after the other, with no breaks in between, not even for a cup of tea, in a marathon of pure fear): The Cube, a high-concept Saw-like thriller with amazing visual effects and great pacing, World War Z, proof that the zombie blockbuster can work if you throw Brad Pitt or Peter Capaldi at it, Lifeforce, a brilliantly dumb Tobe Hooper flick which should be watched when copiously drunk, The Faculty, because Elijah Wood is pretty and meta-horror is fun, Event Horizon, Midnight Meat Train, and, obviously, the seminal An American Werewolf in London for all you special-effects geeks out there.

If you want…something different

If you follow me on Twitter (and if not, why not, you evil bastard-fix that here), you may have spotted this Tweet on your timeline in the middle of the night a couple of days ago:

So you already know what I’ll be recommending. Available either subbed or dubbed, it’s the anime series that smashed through my wall- Neon Genesis Evangelion (which is incredible) proved to me the genre had the potential, and Attack on Titan fulfilled it. A dark, gritty, post-apocalyptic bloodbath, it’s packed with great characters, stunning animation (seriously though) and a twisty-turny plot that will make your head turn inside out at least four times. Again, watch it so I can discuss it with someone. Happy weekend!

So, I went to see the George Miller-directed continuation of the Mad Max series last night, a movie that spent so long wrapped up in production hell that I was worried it would surely be a disappointment when it did come out. I was desperately wrong.

There isn’t a huge amount to say about Mad Max other than “you should see it”- which I will scream directly into your face while standing on top of a spiky car and playing the electric guitar, or something, because George Miller knows how to have fun with his blockbusters dog-goneit. He also knows how to create a stunning aesthetic- I spent maybe the first half hour grinning-actually grinning, in the cinema, like an idiot- because I was so blown away but how spot-on they’d got the look of the thing. Acrid, dusty, and leaving you with that feeling of having to clean under your fingernails, it’s a treat for sci-fi fans bored of the glossy, handsome, sterile future.

If you’ve seen the trailers, you’ll have an idea of what’s coming next: it’s precisely two-hours of a road chase as Charlize Theoron’s Furiosa attempts to outrun the Immortal Joe (played by the original series Toecutter, Hugh Keays-Byrne) and his psychotic, paint-huffing Warboys. Tom Hardy’s Max ends up along for the ride as Furiosa tries to rescue Joe’s handful of beautiful wives from captivity. And yes, it’s violent. Spectacularly so.

This isn’t just violence; this is violence as decadence, this is violence where you’re meant to gorge yourself till your fat and sticky and unable to walk, this is a vertiable Babylon’s Feast of greasy, nasty, delicious shock. With apparently everything done without CGI or green-screen, the action sequences look fantastic- giant war rigs tearing through the arid desert to the sounds of thrumming electric guitar, smashing, exploding, tearing people to shreds. And yeah, while the film does take a bit of a dip whenever we get to the talky stuff (not that there’s much dialogue at all), the performances- particularly Nicholas Hoult’s Nux, a Warboy with a deathwish who winds up joining forces with our heroes (full disclosure: as another addition to Louise’s Big List of Wierd Crushes, I’ve never found Nicholas Hoult more attractive than he was here. See below for how incorrect I am).

But this was Charlize Thereon’s movie, no doubt- her simple, stark, brilliant performance dominated the screen more than the fifty-foot war rig she drove for most of the movie. And yes, this is a spectacularly feminist movie, proof that you don’t have to set out to make a feminist manifesto (or diminish male characters) to score high on that chart. There’s lots I could take apart here-buy me a cocktail, and I will explain to you how it’s a powerful screed on reproductive rights whether you want me to or not- but all I can say is this: Mad Max: Fury Road is one of the most singularly entertaining films I’ve seen in ages, a breathless, aesthetically stunning thrillride that left everyone n the cinema with a swagger in their step, as all good action films should. If you haven’t seen it yet, do it, and if you have, why aren’t me and you discussing it over drinks right now?

Let’s take some time out of our day to enjoy the first major female-led superhero show (Agent Carter, while cool and excellent, is not a superhero herself)- namely- CBS Supergirl trailer. It’s a long one, so buckle in

0:14: Does this have anything to do with Man of Steel? I fucking hope to Christ it doesn’t. That film damn near finished me.

0:33: It’s cool that they didn’t bother coming up with their own backstory for Supergirl. Nah, just the same as Superman’s, really. So, fingers crossed, for Red Sun starring Supergirl, right?

0:44: Melissa Benoist is here, and she’s blonde and competent with an apparently high-level job. I’m trying really hard to be up for this, but I hated her character in Glee so much that I’m struggling a little. DO IT FOR FEMINISM, LOU!

0:46 HOLY FUCKING DICKSUCKERS, THAT’S JEREMY JORDAN FROM SMASH! GIVE US A TUNE, JEREMY! SING ME A SONG!

1:09: I’m up for more powerful women, but also that “funny” stop-the-music-here’s-a-joke-line was shite.

1:39 Much as I am struggling to get over the Melissa Benoist factor, I’m already wet for how many women are in this thing. This is good for the superhero industry, because, y’know, Black Widow, Pepper Potts, that chick Natalie Portman played in Thor, Cobie Smulders, and whoever else I’ve forgotten just doesn’t constitute representation.

1:59: Alright, I’ll grudgingly admit it: this earnest stuff from Benoist is reminding me of Grant Gustin in The Flash, which cannot be anything but a really good thing. She can lift a bus, don’t you know?

2:01: FROM THE WORLD OF DC COMICS. Oh good fucking Christ no.

2:06: Yes. He said Geneva. Quite clearly. That’s what he said.

2:19: Why does no-one fly with their arms tucked into their sides? Surely that would be more streamlined.

2:46: Yada yada yada she saves a plane from crashing. One has to wonder, though, if she’s known about all her amazing powers for so long, why did it take her sister being in danger before she did something? We have a case of “my powers are only relevant when the plot decides that they are”, potentially. And don’t give me that bullshit about her “wanting a normal life”: she’s a fucking alien, and if her cousin can fold a truck in half when someone’s a dick (look, I fell asleep a lot in Man of Steel, I don’t remember things) then she can use her powers for good too.

3:00: BALLS. BALLS WOULD NO-ONE HAVE GOT A CLEAR PICTURE OF HER. BALLS TO THAT.

3:32: This is so stridently feminist I think I just squirted. I know this is pandering directly to me, and I love it.

3:44: I don’t think this is a very good bit of acting. Ah, Melissa Benoist, you’re halfway there, but every line is delivered in a kind of breathy, earnest mulch and it’s hard not to get a little bit bored.

3:50: Yeah, the only reason she doesn’t like you is ’cause she’s gay. Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? Because that line is going to make it hella difficult. If I wind up liking his disgraceful character in Smash more than him here, it’s going to be an international catastrophe.

4:29: Look, I know it’s because that’s the way she is in the comics, but couldn’t we have many skipped the fucking micro-mini skirt? It’s just not as practical as trousers. And, if you don’t believe me, answer me this: why isn’t Superman wearing one too?

4:43: RIGHT I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’LL NEED TO SAY THIS, BUT KNEE-HIGH FUCKING BOOTS ARE NOT PRACTICAL CRIME-FIGHTING GEAR. THEY’RE NOT PRACTICAL *ANYTHING* GEAR. Honestly, I’m trying quite hard not to flip a table right now, which is an over-reaction, but also shut up.

5:15: Yeah, shut up, you fucking super-powerful, flying, bulletproof alien. WHAT GOOD COULD YOU BE TO FIGHTING A PRETERNATURAL TERRORIST.

5:23: “The world needs you to fly!” DOES it, though.

5:58: “IT’S NOT A MAN” Was this show created specifically to stop me bitching about the lack of women in the superhero world? Because that’s beginning to feel like what this trailer is.

636: Here is my final thought; I’m for this on an intellectual level, but this has not assuaged my fear that I find Meliisa Benoist seriously annoying and kind of wish almost anyone had been cast except her because I was always going to come at this show with preconceptions. I am, however, willing to be proven wrong, and pray to Zod I will be.

While I would much rather be sitting in my garden with a cider listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack, apparently it’s time for another chapter of Fifty Shades of The Publishing Industry Eating Itself. With the teaser for Fifty Shades Darker released, and the movie out on DVD, there’s been another wave of  “uh, actually, it’s just BDSM and she consents to EVERYTHING, you virgin prostitute prude”, so it’s my duty as a misanthrope to piss all over everyone’s good time. We left off at the end of chapter seventeen with Christian about to force birth control on Ana, because love is never having to say “what do you think about going on the pill?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Ah, this is a question I ask myself whenever I’m in the shower and I get Glee’s version of Boogie Shoes in my head (and it happens every single bloody time, and now it’s there again and I don’t think it’s ever going away this time). I’ve written so bloody much about this show in the past, and I’m still not sure if overall I like it or don’t: it’s crass, over-bearing, reads like a PSA, has some atrocious actors, no consistent characterization, and would regularly and with gusto throw all it’s continuity to the four winds because the writers had another idea they just had to try. As somebody who’s watched the show for five years, I don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through it- a murderous mess that will strip to bone your faith in TV in the course of just one agonising Ke$ha cover.

But there were good moments. Moments where I laughed with the show, not at it. Moments were the covers were packed with gusto and just enough actual singing to make them bearable. So I’ve decided to try and compile a list of what I consider the show’s crowning triumphs. If you’ve always hated the show and could never understand what attracted people of seemingly sound mind and body to it, I’ll try to explain, and if you’ve been grappling with the show in therapy for years (like me), you can remind yourself how it hooked you in in the first place.

10. Bohemian Rhapsody

I can already hear the sound of a thousand laptops smacking shut as anyone with any self-respect who was half-interested in this article storms off. They covered Queen? Pssshhh. Rubbish. No-one can cover Queen, let alone Bohemian Rhapsody. But in the hands of the inimitable Johnathan Groff, a superbly talented Broadway performer who guest-starred in a few seasons of Glee, the song isn’t a catastrophe; in fact, it’s sort of good. Add to that the sequence of Diana Agron’s birth spliced through the song, and this is an entire second act in just six minutes: winding up on the final notes drifting away as Agron (another actress far too good for this show) is handed the baby she knows she’ll never get to hold again. It’s impressive, emotional, gigantic stuff, and it works.

9. Uptown Girl

On the flipside of the coin, you’ve got this cover of Uptown Girl, which is for my money one of the best the show ever did (and, bizarrely, this is it’s second appearance on this blog after it cropped up in my review of The Flash, but I digress). It’s pure, silly, catchy fun, an unadulterated hunk of pop that shines through the screen. I don’t think I’ll ever not love it. I hate to be that guy, but the teacher in the red skirt is crazy-hot, too.

8. Safety Dance

In the magnificent Neil Patrick Harris-starring, Joss-Whedon directed episode Dream On from season one, this was the tune that sequence that really jumped out. Kevin Mchale, who plays Artie, the kid in the wheelchair, started his career in a bunch of not-so-successful boybands, and his cheeky charisma is all over this number. Then, a smash cut at the end to him sitting in his wheelchair, alone with his thoughts, knowing that everything he’s just imagined is probably never, ever going to happen for him. Kevin McHale always did really well with the bullshit they threw at his character, and this silent moment of reflection is one of Glee’s most subtle and effective moments.

7. The Boy Next Door

Full disclosure: I wanted to put Glee’s original cover of I’m the Greatest Star here, but it’s nothing without the video. So we’re settling for Chris Colfer’s second-best solo performance in the form of The Boy Next Door from the musical of the same name (fun fact: if you think this is wild, go watch Hugh Jackman doing it- gold lame trousers and all). My crush on Chris Colfer knows now bounds, even though he’s gay and we’ve never met and I occasionally vanish down rabbit holes on Youtube watching videos of him being witty and warm and charming and snapping at Lea Michele that she’s comitting a hate crime by being mean to him. And he’s one of the best things about the show, an absoloute newbie with an incredible voice, oodles of charisma, and a sense of humour about himself which is lacking in much of the rest of the show. This song (and yes, that is Whoopi Goldberg there) is essentially the climax of his story, a big fuck-you to his old, small-town life and an embracing of his new one, whatever it may be, conveyed over the course of two minutes and some incredible, impossible hip movements (the crush grows stronger yet).

6. It’s Not Unusual

One of the few songs from the later seasons that actually worked, this Tom Jones cover (performed by Darren Criss, who I love very much even though most critics seem to hate him with a passion, maybe because he was the victim of the atrociously handled bisexual storyline I wrote about earlier), this was the pinnacle of Glee dissociating from reality. A decision was made from here on out that if reality got in the way of really awesome staging for a fun song, then it could go fuck itself, and here are thirty-year-old cheerleaders prancing around on the bleachers as some inestimably ripped internet star grins so much his teeth explode. I think I watch this at least once a week.

5. Adele Mashup

Glee has done a lot of mashups, and none of them have worked like this one has. Pitched at the end of an episode where Naya Rivera’s character (the girl singing the Someone Like You portion) has been outed, it’s got a bit of emotional clout behind it but is more than anything a belter of a tune. Staged simply, the songs (Rumour Has It and Someone Like You) are naturally inclined to pack a punch, and Rivera and co-lead Amber Riley prove once again that they were the most underused bit of the show for two seasons. I think a show is teetering when an Adele mashup is the most subtle thing they can do in an episode, but they just stuck the landing with this one.

4. Cough Syrup

Oddly, this is a song that’s turned up in the blog before, when I was talking about triggering. I re-watched Glee in my first year of uni when I was horrendously depressed, and I remember being utterly shaken up by this number. Even though the show doesn’t take the storyline seriously past this sequence, the combination of Max Adler’s performance (as a guy who’s just been outed after years in the closet, preparing for his suicide) and a gorgeous vocal performance from Darren Criss who, along with Chris Colfer, gave this scene a bunch more clout than it might have deserved to have. I don’t know if it’s just that I remember how strongly this affected me the first time I saw it, but these three minutes- the song and video inextricably linked- mark this as probably the most powerful moment Glee has ever pulled off.

3. I Dreamed a Dream

Another one from the Joss Whedon episode, this song- featuring Indina Menzel and Lea Michele- is a proper slap about the face. The premise of this is essentially that Lea Michele (the young one) is listening to her birth mother sing for the first time, and Whedon really wrings every drop of emotion from the already iconic number; the cinematography is great, the vocals are flawless, and if you don’t feel even a hint of emotion after this then you’re a cold, sad human being.

2.  Don’t Rain on my Parade

Glee used the Barbara Streisand musical Funny Girl (from which this song is taken) as a kind of mirror image to lead character Rachel’s story, and this was the first time it made itself clear. This song, landing about half way through the first series, was the genesis of my obsession with musical theatre, and still the song I’ll point to when someone asks me what music I relate to on a personal level. Lea Michele is utterly charming in what is probably her best performance of the whole show, a proper salute to the desperate, never-give-up optimism that Glee floated atop of for five years, and it’s impossible not to get swept up in the please-renew-us/also-show-tunes! balls of this number.  Put it this way: my ex commented that Lea Michele really didn’t make the last note work in this and I think that was the moment our relationship was truly over.

1. Jim Steinman Mashup

Yes, that’s right- Glee did a Jim Steinman mashup, news so good it still hasn’t really sunk it. And it’s a perfect capper to the first three years of the show (after which everything took a nosedive as the main characters left high school). The final performances in the show choir championships (is anyone else buying the size and enthusiasm of that audience, by the way?), it’s got everything- a Lea Michele belt, then what’s probably their most diplomatic and entertaining group number in the form of their cover of Paradise by the Dashboard light. The late lamented Cory Monteith is at the peak of his handsome, charming, bumbling self here, the choreography is perfect, and the tune is just big enough to act as a satisfying farewell to all the characters we would barely see again after this episode.