The Cutprice Guignol

June 8, 2017

Reviewing Every Movie I’ve Seen This Year

Well, it’s election day, which means we’re all way too antsy to sit down and read anything heavy because we need to get up and check the poll numbers one last time dammit so I’m fulfilling my national duty by providing some futile form of distraction to keep you busy until ten tonight when everything stops and starts. Basically, I’ve been to see a bunch of films this year that I never got around to reviewing, so here’s my hot take on shit you’ve lost interest in by now!

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June 4, 2017

Doctor Who: Turgid Adventure Really Designates Imploding Season

Whew, team. I thought last week was bad, but we’ve reached a new season low with this week’s episode of Doctor Who.

This jacket is FUCKING GREAT though, in all fairness. 10/10 would smash

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June 3, 2017

Basically Straight

It’s bisexual pride day today! Let’s celebrate by addressing some fuckin’ biphobia.

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June 2, 2017

Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter Fourteen

Hey, dudes and duderinos! I’m back from Spain, miserably cold, with a coffee-drinking habit I didn’t have before and a LUST for BADLY WRITTEN ABUSE MASQUERADING AS ROMANCE. Luckily, EL James is here to sate my hunger with another chapter of Fifty Shades Freeeugh!

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June 1, 2017

Movie Review: Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman had a whole lot to prove.

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May 30, 2017

TV Characters I Would Fight

Right (drinks deeply from cheap pint) so (gestures wildly with lit fag) I have really strong opinions about TV characters, and basically, here is a list of characters I would strongly enjoy fighting provided that somehow we were relatively evenly matched and also they would let me win. To the list!

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May 28, 2017

Doctor Who: Thunderingly Awful – Reviewer Dissects Intolerable Showrunner

Alright, let’s get into this. This review is going to be savage and long, so get yourself a cup of tea and a biscuit and we’ll get into it.

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May 20, 2017

Doctor Who: Totally Arduous to Really Define Initial Section

Well, that’s me shown. After complaining last week that the show was becoming somewhat forgettable, Doctor Who hit back with an episode that’s going to be niggling at the back of my head for weeks.

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May 19, 2017

Movie Review: Alien: Covenant

Huh.

When the credits roll on a movie, I’m usually pretty confident in my opinion of it. Yeah, like good wine, sometimes the ideas need a little time to ferment, but I can usually say with some level of certainty whether or not I liked a film or didn’t. But I went to see Alien: Covenant four days ago, and for the life of me I can’t figure out whether I enjoyed it or not.

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May 17, 2017

Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter Thirteen

Unlucky thirteen indeed. I hope you’re all having a genuinely wonderful week so I can ruin it. Also, just a heads up – I’ll be heading to Spain for a week to visit my parents (who, yes, are still of a globe-trotting gap year well into their fifties and have been for the previous five years) so general blogging/these recaps will be quiet. Today also happens to be, according to Facebook’s On This Day features, the anniversary of the first one of these godforsaken recaps, so if you’d like to celebrate by going back to the start, you can so so here. On with the chapter!

I dunno, my crush on Will Arnett is fading after how crap Flaked was and that makes me sad.

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