The Cutprice Guignol

So, I wasn’t sure where I should post this article, given that I run a movie blog and this is, you know, about movies. But I figured that this grinding, groaning grunt into the cinematic void should live with the rest of “I Would Fight” series, right here, on the Guignol. And, in classic Guignol fashion, we’re not talking about characters who are meant to be unlikeable, but rather the ones who I’m meant to enjoy and still want to beat into a sticky pulp with a two-by-four. Catch up on the rest of the series here – without further ado, to the list!

1. Snake Plissken – Escape From New York

Honestly, I just wrote this article so I could share my headcanon about Snake Plissken in this movie which is honestly far worse than you remember it being: I believe that the character Kurt Russel plays is actually just some giant random loser fanboy who took on the Snake name to get laid and look cool, and never anticipated actually having to deal with anything on the level of the events in the actual movie. Does this actually track with much we see in the movie? No, but He’s a giant, posturing dork, and I will fight him, and I will win, and I will take his wardrobe because it’s pretty dope.

2. Batfleck – The DC Universe

With trembling fingers, I tapped my lover’s number into my phone, and pressed call. I squeezed my eyes shut. Please pick up, please pick up. It was so important, I needed him to know before anyone else. “Is it true? Is Batfleck really gone?”.

Yeah, I was pretty happy when Ben Affleck dropped out of the DC-verse, giving up his weary hold on the mantel of Batman, and for good reason. I’ve been stringently against his casting in the role since it was announced, and I’ve been proved right dozens of times over, in a greatest hits of nadirs that boggle the mind: dribbling on Gal Gadot’s shoulder, trapping himself inside his own awful suit like a jowly frog, sharing what I assume was meant to be “chemistry” (sp(?)) with Henry Cavill…I hate a lot about the DC universe (except Aquaman, that was a hoot), but this is a step too far, sir. I win by default, because I never had to shout “MARTHA” at a sentient chunk of handsome wood.

3. The Driver – Drive

Express an emotion, once in a while, you graceless fuck. Come on, what if I poke you with this sharp stick? Will anything happen to your face? Only one way to find out, get over here.

4. Sebastian – La La Land

Two Ryan Gosling characters, in my list? It’s more likely than you think! Where do I start with this motherfucker: from his attempts to educate a woman who expressed a dislike of jazz in REAL jazz, to his fucking bullshit “selling out” plot, to his punishing lack of charm or impressive talent, to that bit where he just leans on a car horn outside his love interests’ house…horrendous. Unacceptable. Agonizing. I’ll never go near a musician again, and it’s all this fictional fucker’s fault.

What movie characters would you take in a fight? I’m keen to find out – get your boxing gloves on and drop them in the comments below.