The Cutprice Guignol

Yes, I was planning to take a look at Arrow for the second part of my month of various superhero reviews, but when I heard the new Batman vs Superman trailer had dropped, I figured it was as good a time as any to take a little detour down memory lane (I’ve spent many a happy hour reviewing these trailers before) and spend some time with my all-time favourite actors, Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill. Or, you know, rip the violent piss out of a film that’s going to be pushing a six out of ten at best. Let’s get started!

0:02: OOOH THIS IS THE BATMAN TRAILER, COOL! Can’t be worse than Gotham.

0:15: Batman’s wing things look dumb as fuck. I once made a bat Halloween costume by stapling black binbags to the inside of my sleeves to create wings, and that is PRECISELY what they looked like.

0:24: Okay, that’s cool, whatever. But the problem is that that’s (ostensibly, stuntmen aside) Ben Affleck inside that suit. You know, Ben Affleck, everyone’s hot dad! Ben Affleck, he of the pious political thriller! Ben Affleck! BEN AFFLECK! If there’s one man who I just couldn’t take seriously as Batman, it’s this guy. And, like, Michael Cera, I guess. Though that would be hilarious.

0:34: I want you to do something for me, if you’ve got a spare ten minutes. Go away and watch this scene from The Dark Knight (that it’s a Batman film is a mere coincidence; I was just looking for the best superhero action sequences). It’s fucking thrilling, Nolan at his action-auteur best; the lack of music, the brilliant sound design, the fast-paced but coherent plot, all climaxing in that truck dangling in mid-air in silence for a moment that has you genuinely holding your breath; THAT’S an action sequence. And tell me, honestly, does this look better than that? Does it?

0:36: Ah, he did punch his head through a floor though, so alright.

0:44: Ugh, Brucefleck just isn’t working for me. He’s barely got his eyes open in this shot, for God’s sake!

0:56: Pause at that shot for a moment. Isn’t that a wierd shot? Not in a good way or a bad way, just in a “huh” way. I don’t hate it, but I’ve got a horrible feeling it’s going to fall under the same banner as “Superman dissapears into a pile of skulls”  from Man of Steel, ie, someone put Zack Snyder in the corner for a bit.

1:05: “GOD VERSUS MAN”. I mean, you’ve got to fancy the God, don’t you? Not the way I fancy Henry Cavill, you understand, GODDAMMIT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN’T GET DISTRACTED THIS TIME-

1:12: Oh hey, Jesse Eisenberg, thanks for reminding me why I have even a vague interest in this movie!

1:19: Oh good, what Man of Steel was really missing was people talking down to Amy Adams.

1:27: Montage, montage…hold the bus, was that Wonder Woman?!

1:33: Montage, montage, crunchy guitar riff, montage. I’m bored.

1:35: Ugh, I think if Ben Affleck was standing that close to me I’d want to drape a napkin over my shoulder or something. I just…nope.

1:37: EVERYONE SHUT UP WONDER WOMAN’S ABOUT TO GET A LINE

1:46: Of all the directors in all the world to bring Wonder Woman to the big screen, I wish it could have been ANYONE but “abused women in scanty clothes with big guns is EMPOWERMENT!” Zack Snyder. Literally anyone.

1:55: Look, I don’t begrudge superhero movies existing; whatever, have your fun. I begrudge them being nothing but excuses for two testosterone-ridden man-children to punch out the homoerotic urges of the audience, however.

1:57: Jesse Eisenberg looks worse and worse every time I see him, which concerns me. He’s a genuinely superb actor (go watch him in The Double if you don’t believe me), but this movie is already overstuffed as it is. I just don’t think there’s room for him here.

UGH FUCK FINE I’ll see it at the cinema.

It’s been a while since I’ve taken on a bit of themed blogging (RIP Doctor Who recaps, at least till this brutal last term of university is over). And, since I’ve been watching and thoroughly enjoying the almost grotesquely campy Legends of Tomorrow and I recently imbued myself with multi-coloured comic book supervillain hair-

-I figured that I should take a look at some of the other superhero shows currently doing the rounds on TV. There’s plenty to choose from, and I’m open to suggestions, so if there’s something you think I’d utterly adore or totally detest and want to see reviewed here, feel free to comment/tweet/howl to the moon about it till I get it done. I’ll be kicking off this week with Gotham. So, without further ado, let’s get started on February in Tights!

Right, so, when Gotham first came out, it was pretty inescapable. There were ads on the side of buses, for fuck’s sake. And I’ll admit that I was pretty interested. I’ve always liked the character of Jim Gordon, and it’s always fun to get a chance to revel in the extensive and especially fiendish rogue’s gallery that the Batman universe offers. I watched a couple of episodes, lost interest, and didn’t give it much thought till I decided to make it my inaugural post for this month’s blogging.

Now, as a casual comic-book fan, Batman is my favourite superhero. How could he not be? With oodles of angst, cool gadgets, and a slick playboy alter-ego, he’s by far the coolest caped crusader on the block. And that’s partly what Gotham’s appeal was to me and many other fans- a dark, gritty, live-action Batman TV show! Why hasn’t this happened before? HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

But, fuck me, Gotham went wrong. It’s hard for me to convey just how much this show’s continued popularity and critical acclaim (?!?!?!?!) baffles me, because I honestly think Gotham is maybe the worst show to come out of the last few years on TV. And yes, I’m including disasters like Glee and Smash in that list, because while they were terrible, they were at least terrible in a disastrous and occasionally amusing way. Gotham is an endless, nightmarish trudge of a show, a funeral dirge for my interest in the Batman universe. All things admitted, I watched till the end of season one in a sort of horrified daze, so I all my criticism relates to the episodes I have seen.

I swear to God I sometimes don’t notice Ben McKenzie in frame he’s so forgettably bland.

It stars Ben McKenzie as a young Jim Gordon, a police detective in Gotham attempting to keep the city clean while cracking the murder of the Waynes, a homicide that left only their son, Bruce, alive. This offers a problem right off the bat (if you’ll excuse the pun)-what makes Jim Gordon so interesting to me is that he’s a consummate good guy, a man of morals who’s uneasy alliance with the violent vigilantism of Batman gives his character some internal tension. Take that away, and you’ve just got a paper-thin hero archetype patting little Bruce Wayne on the head. And yes, you read that right- this is a Batman series in which Batman is a small, whiny child, one who reaches staggering levels of irritating by the end of the first fucking episode, let alone the first season. I hate ripping on child actors, but is this really the best one they could find for such a pivotal role in the show? I mean, it’s not as if he has much to work of off-Sean Pertwee straining to be Michael Caine as Alfred and falling far, far short, Camren Bicondova, apparently playing a young Catwoman but coming off as more Victorian-era orphan, and Ben McKenzie along with various other Noble Cops boring the audience to suicide.

Waddle off to a better show, Robin Lord Taylor.

The rest of the cast is slightly better, if only because they get to play the infinitely more interesting villains. Robin Lord Taylor as the Penguin is about the only one to come out of the show unscathed, in an edgy and mouthy performance that just vaults passable but looks Oscar-worthy in comparison to the rest of the cast. Jada Pinkett-Smith as Fish Mooney is neither camp enough to be outrageous fun or straight enough to be taken seriously, no matter how hard she tries to get a handle on the character. Nicholas D’Agosto (who will always be “Oh, that guy from Final Destination 5, right?”, no matter how many critically acclaimed shows he features in) as Harvey Dent is…there, I guess? Milo Ventimiglia hits a new career low (which I thought was genuinely impossible after Heroes) in a horrendously bastardised version of Ogre.

Victor Zsasz is also always followed about by two women for literally no reason, because women as props is SO ground-breaking!

And, since I mention it, one of the things that fucks me off about Gotham so much is that it insists on butchering some of Batman’s coolest villains. Take Victor Zsasz, for example, my absolute stone-cold favourite Batman villain of all time- I was pumped beyond belief when I found out he was going to turn up in this series. And what started out as a killer so unhinged there weren’t spaces between the words in his internal monologue winds up on Gotham a….vaguely threatening mob grunt? Ogre, a character driven insane by years of torture at the hands of scientists attempting to find the next stage of human evolution, turns up as a…good-looking sociopath who kills women who don’t meet his standards? To me, at least, these changes are baffling-why the fuck would you make a Batman show about the origins of Batman and his greatest enemies only to completely ignore what they actually are? Why not just create a show all of your own? Well, we know the answer to that question: Batman sells. Even if he’s a kid and the villains are almost all terrible or nonexistent.

Jada Pinkett-Smith is better than this, god-dangit.

So, yes, I guess my biggest problem with Gotham is the fact that it doesn’t feel like a Batman show. That would always have been a risk with a story of this nature, but, in failing to build a convincingly Batman-y world, Gotham transforms into a generic procedural with the Bat-signal blasting from it in an attempt to con in new fans.

So, what should I review next?

So, in the last hour, I discovered that Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat has quit and been replaced by Chris Chibnall. This timeline roughly sums up my reaction.

1. WHAT.
2. WAIT.
3. NO.
4. YES.
5. YES!
6. Oh my God, it’s finally over. There are no comaparisons to make to my relief that wouldn’t be offensively hyperbolic and also entirely accurate.
7. If someone is fucking with me on this, I honestly and very literally cannot be held responsible for my actions.
8. I’m already feeling a little bit melancholy about it, because I’ve written so many terrible things about Steven Moffat’s tenure on the show over the years that I’m worried I’ve hurt his feelings. I STILL LOVE THE EMPTY CHILD STEVEN.
9. Not that melancholy though. I’m pouring myself a glass of wine and going through the Twitter reactions.
10. Huh, guess I should check what else Chris Chibnall has written. To Wikipedia!
11. Broadchurch- good. Some of the last season of Torchwood- concerning. Some of the early seasons of Torchwood-encouraging.
12. I don’t recognise the names of any of his Doctor Who episodes and it’s causing me something of an identity crisis.
13. Oh yeah, those episodes. About the things. And stuff. All of them are bad to okay.
14. That’s probably not a good sign.
15. But if Steven Moffat wrote great standalone episodes under other showrunners and had a pretty terrible tenure showrunning himself, maybe that means Chris Chibnall will have a great run? Maybe that’s how this works?
16. Oh, I have to wait till 2018 to find out anyway. That’s so far in the future that I’ll probably be dead, or at the very least living in Glasgow.
17. Apparently Steven Moffat is spending a full year building up to his epic final season, and frankly this worries me deeply. I mean, if he thought season nine- in all it’s violently awful glory-was epic, I am sort of grotesquely looking forward to the note he sends himself out on.
18. A chorus line of high-kicking Osgoods and Weeping Angels, no doubt. Nah, that might actually be fun.
19. But I’m getting distracted! Time to lull in my warm bubble of happiness for a few days.
20. And re-watch all of series nine. Just to remind myself that while things might not get better, they surely can’t get worse.

So, I’ve been away for a while- but when I saw that the new Suicide Squad trailer was getting released last night, I couldn’t resist the chance to take it apart. So, without further ado, let’s take a look at DC’s next potentially catastrophic entry into their canon.

0:01: HOLD THE FUCK UP IS THAT BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY?! This is already off to a bad start. The last trailer had fantastic music, but Bohemian Rhapsody is kind of like the bread and butter of epic music; you clearly haven’t put yourself out to come up with it. And this is coming from someone who loves Queen.

0:06: WILL SMITH YUS. I am completely ambivalent towards every single other actor, particularly we-really-wanted-Tom-Hardy Joel Kinnamen.

0:22:  Amanda Waller is such a slammingly good role for Viola Davis, a woman who I can literally never grow tired of watching. In fact, she might be the tipping point reason for me actually seeing this damn movie. I’ll make a note on my ticket that I’m ONLY seeing it for her, though, and not because I thought Jared Leto looked just too good to miss.

0:35: I still really like Will Smith, god-dangit. I have a fond hangover from Men in Black that will never die.

0:47: This guy listing off the special abilities of the movie’s leading characters sounds like he’s reading back a takeaway order over the phone. Is this deliberate? Either way, it’s shite.

0:50: I HAVE CARA DELEVIGNE RUMMY, REPEAT, I HAVE DELEVIGNE RUMMY! I wonder if she’s going to get a line in this trailer?

1:02: Jesus Christ, is that the best line reading they had for Harley Quinn? That is not good news. I’ve never much rated Margot Robbie as an actress, but I had to look away from the screen for a few seconds there to spare us both the embarrassment.

1:11: Oh, some actual action sequences! That makes a nice change from last time.

1:22: Aaaand we have Joker, repeat, we have Joker. I mean, Jared Leto was sort of doomed from the start with this role, but every time I see him he looks like a too-serious cosplayer who’s spent a little too long poring over The Killing Joke and doesn’t like it when people laugh at his best Joker impression.

1:25: CARA DEVELIGNE GOT A LINE! It was terrible and reminded me that when you cram a movie top to bottom with outrageous comic book villains it’s probably going to turn into a giant, gloopy, earnest mess, but she got a line!

1:30: Oop, and there goes Katana, winning the Hawkeye award for “Oh, shit, you’re in this movie too, aren’t you?”.

1:39: Fuck’s sake, is that Harley Quinn in the strip club from the last trailer again? Let me guess, part of their evil scheme will require Margot Robbie to squirm about on a stripper’s pole because there’s just NO WAY TO AVOID IT, THE PLOT REQUIRES IT TO HAPPEN, WHY AREN’T WOMEN ALLOWED TO BE MINDLESSLY OBJECTIFIED AND SIDELINED OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN THIS GENRE WITHOUT SOMEONE BITCHING ABOUT IT GOD.

1:42: What fucking tone are they actually going for with this movie? The first trailer was gratifyingly dark and edgy, and then this one has people in panda suits and what amounts to Comic Sans font announcing them the “Worst Heroes Ever.”

1:50: Thing is with Will Smith, is that he can make a shitty movie at least fun (see: Independence Day), and every shot of him in this trailer makes me believe he’s going to do it here. Whether him and Viola Davis can withstand the deluge of awful that is Jared Leto’s Joker and Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn stands to be seen, though.

2:03: MONTAGE! This all looks passable.

2:12: Oh Jesus fucking Christ, I get that DC are trying to pounce on the space left open by Marvel’s complete lack of female superhero-fronted movies, and I’m fine with that (the Wonder Woman footage released alongside this looks very decent), but is Margot Robbie really the person they’re leaning on to carry it? Because every time she opens her mouth, she gets even worse. And can someone give her a pair of trousers?

2:27: Oh yeah, Zack Snyder’s executive producing this movie. That’s why Harley Quinn can’t have clothes. Because abused women dressed all scanty and shooting guns is empowerment, right, Zack? (I’ll never forgive him for Sucker Punch).

2:31: Bleh. That looked both excellent and horrifyingly awful, with far more of the latter for my liking.

Well, what a year it’s been over here at the Guignol. I finally finished my Fifty Shades of Grey recraps (thanks to the love and support of my family and friends, I think I’m finally putting that hellish ordeal behind me), I despaired over Doctor Who (or celebrated it, depending which set of reviews you were reading), I wrote about sexuality, gender, feminism, and John Barrowman’s lovely face. And, with less than twelve hours in the year remaining, I think I’ve just got time to squeeze in one more post- my best of 2015.

I published my worst list earlier this month, but I’ve spent a lot more time trying to figure out the best stuff I saw this year. It’s been a whirlwind if TV over the last twelve months, not all of it good (ahem Arrow), but there have been a few obvious standouts that require a little more attention.

Best Drama- Transparent

Everyone in the industry seems to have agreed to just post Jefferey Tambor all the awards for this performance, and he deserves it.

A close tie between this and the brilliant/trashy/brilliantly trashy How to Get Away with Murder, I don’t think I’ve written much about Transparent before, but please, allow me to sit down in your living room and pontificate on it’s wondrousness. A flawlessly written, powerfully moving, and often unexpected show, it’s packed with amazing performances and fabulous direction that render every episode a masterpiece worthy of hours of dissection in and of itself. Revolving around a family trying to deal with the news that their former husband and father is transitioning, it’s packed with nuanced family drama and a sharp eye for comedy that stops it becoming too pious. An Amazon original, the second season aired earlier this month, and if you’ve been looking for a heart-breaking, life-affirming bit of TV to restore your faith in time for the New Year, I found it for you.

Best Comedy-Bojack Horseman

Netflix has had a run of great original comedies this year-from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt to Frankie & Grace to the more recent Master of None. And, while all of those are great in their own way, none came close to the superb Bojack Horseman. Starring comedy heavyweights like Will Arnett (Arrested Development), Alison Brie (Community), Amy Sedaris (Strangers with Candy), and, um, Aaron Paul, searching for his post-Breaking Bad home, it follows the story of ex-sitcom star Bojack Horseman (Arnett) as he searches for meaning in his life post-fame. I’m still not completely sure that a show which features so many anthropomorphic animals has any right to be as incisively hilarious or downright moving as it was, but take a look at the second season and tell me there isn’t anything to get choked up over there. Getting the balance of comedy and pathos right is a difficult task (and one of the reasons I enjoy the underrated Suburgatory so much), but Bojack Horseman nails it. Just watch those opening credits and TELL me you don’t want to see what comes next.

Best Genre Show-Penny Dreadful

SERIOUS FACES EVERYONE

It’s pains me not to put Doctor Who here, it really does, but I can’t ignore just how ruddy excellent the last season of TV’s most gothic porno was. Packed with sizzling performances, campy horror, and some of the finest writing this side of Hannibal (RIP), it’s built one of the best worlds on TV over the course of just a couple of seasons, and that deserves some notice. I hate that I genuinely considered putting American Horror Story here instead, as my God have they pulled a turnaround on this season, but they’ll have to do quite a lot to make me forget spike-rape.

Discovery of the Year-Attack on Titan. NEXT.

Best Performance (Lady)-Gaby Hoffmann, Transparent

Look, I’m going to be going on about Transparent a LOT, so get used to it now. I think any single person from the cast could have taken this spot, but it’s Gaby Hoffman who always sticks at the back of my mind, as the thirty-something drifter looking for some kind of meaning in her life and thinking she’s found it in various snippets of family history, lesbian professors, and all-female gatherings. Hoffman, as well as having one of the downright coolest wardrobes on TV right now, can convey everything you need to know-and everything her character won’t admit to herself-in a single look, and that’s pretty amazing.

Best Performance (Gent)- Travis Fimmel, Vikings

This scene in particular should have earned him a thousand Emmy nominations.

Fuck, I almost forgot that the third season of Vikings existed! I’ll admit that it was patchier than it’s predecessors, but Travis Fimmel shone in every episode. From the loss of one of his closest friends to his assault on Paris (the city, not the socialite), to his utterly compelling descent into corruption and paranoia, it boggles me that no-one has snapped him up for bigger roles yet. #GetFimmelWorkThatIsn’tWarcraft2k16

Best Cast-Hannibal

Fuck, even the PRESS PHOTOS are sumptously shot.

Farewell, sweet Hannibal- your name shall be spoken in hallowed whispers across generations of pretentious TV lovers, ne’er to be forgotten. And the thing that’s going to stand out most? That amazing cast- packed wall-to-wall with award-worthy performances, every scene is a chance for a bunch of great actors (Hugh Dancy, Mads Mikklesen, Gillian Anderson, Caroline Dhavernas) to get their teeth into an always-strong script and just emote at each other. While this season didn’t hold up quite so well for me, every single scene is a treat just in terms of the fabulous ensemble

Best Movie- Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I’d be lying to myself and to you if I put anything else here. It’s bloody brilliant; read my review if you don’t believe me.

Moment of the Year

This one’s a toughie, what with astoundingly brilliant scenes, like Richard Armitage’s transformation into the Great Red Dragon in Hannibal, or indeed bit TV spectacles like the return to Gallifrey on Doctor Who, but nothing beat out Sense8 and the sheer perfection of the scene that closed out their sixth episode- all the characters recalling the moments they were born, scored by gorgeous orchestral music. In a show full of giant, sweeping emotion, this was the biggest they went, and it worked.

So, that’s my best of the year, and my last post  of the year too. I’ll be back soon, and I hope to see a bunch of you back again for 2016 for more shamelessly geeky shenanigans. Happy New Year!