A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Suicide Squad Trailer

by thethreepennyguignol

So, I’ve been away for a while- but when I saw that the new Suicide Squad trailer was getting released last night, I couldn’t resist the chance to take it apart. So, without further ado, let’s take a look at DC’s next potentially catastrophic entry into their canon.

0:01: HOLD THE FUCK UP IS THAT BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY?! This is already off to a bad start. The last trailer had fantastic music, but Bohemian Rhapsody is kind of like the bread and butter of epic music; you clearly haven’t put yourself out to come up with it. And this is coming from someone who loves Queen.

0:06: WILL SMITH YUS. I am completely ambivalent towards every single other actor, particularly we-really-wanted-Tom-Hardy Joel Kinnamen.

0:22:  Amanda Waller is such a slammingly good role for Viola Davis, a woman who I can literally never grow tired of watching. In fact, she might be the tipping point reason for me actually seeing this damn movie. I’ll make a note on my ticket that I’m ONLY seeing it for her, though, and not because I thought Jared Leto looked just too good to miss.

0:35: I still really like Will Smith, god-dangit. I have a fond hangover from Men in Black that will never die.

0:47: This guy listing off the special abilities of the movie’s leading characters sounds like he’s reading back a takeaway order over the phone. Is this deliberate? Either way, it’s shite.

0:50: I HAVE CARA DELEVIGNE RUMMY, REPEAT, I HAVE DELEVIGNE RUMMY! I wonder if she’s going to get a line in this trailer?

1:02: Jesus Christ, is that the best line reading they had for Harley Quinn? That is not good news. I’ve never much rated Margot Robbie as an actress, but I had to look away from the screen for a few seconds there to spare us both the embarrassment.

1:11: Oh, some actual action sequences! That makes a nice change from last time.

1:22: Aaaand we have Joker, repeat, we have Joker. I mean, Jared Leto was sort of doomed from the start with this role, but every time I see him he looks like a too-serious cosplayer who’s spent a little too long poring over The Killing Joke and doesn’t like it when people laugh at his best Joker impression.

1:25: CARA DEVELIGNE GOT A LINE! It was terrible and reminded me that when you cram a movie top to bottom with outrageous comic book villains it’s probably going to turn into a giant, gloopy, earnest mess, but she got a line!

1:30: Oop, and there goes Katana, winning the Hawkeye award for “Oh, shit, you’re in this movie too, aren’t you?”.

1:39: Fuck’s sake, is that Harley Quinn in the strip club from the last trailer again? Let me guess, part of their evil scheme will require Margot Robbie to squirm about on a stripper’s pole because there’s just NO WAY TO AVOID IT, THE PLOT REQUIRES IT TO HAPPEN, WHY AREN’T WOMEN ALLOWED TO BE MINDLESSLY OBJECTIFIED AND SIDELINED OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN THIS GENRE WITHOUT SOMEONE BITCHING ABOUT IT GOD.

1:42: What fucking tone are they actually going for with this movie? The first trailer was gratifyingly dark and edgy, and then this one has people in panda suits and what amounts to Comic Sans font announcing them the “Worst Heroes Ever.”

1:50: Thing is with Will Smith, is that he can make a shitty movie at least fun (see: Independence Day), and every shot of him in this trailer makes me believe he’s going to do it here. Whether him and Viola Davis can withstand the deluge of awful that is Jared Leto’s Joker and Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn stands to be seen, though.

2:03: MONTAGE! This all looks passable.

2:12: Oh Jesus fucking Christ, I get that DC are trying to pounce on the space left open by Marvel’s complete lack of female superhero-fronted movies, and I’m fine with that (the Wonder Woman footage released alongside this looks very decent), but is Margot Robbie really the person they’re leaning on to carry it? Because every time she opens her mouth, she gets even worse. And can someone give her a pair of trousers?

2:27: Oh yeah, Zack Snyder’s executive producing this movie. That’s why Harley Quinn can’t have clothes. Because abused women dressed all scanty and shooting guns is empowerment, right, Zack? (I’ll never forgive him for Sucker Punch).

2:31: Bleh. That looked both excellent and horrifyingly awful, with far more of the latter for my liking.

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