Fifty shades of grey recaps | The Cutprice Guignol

March 16, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 14

Once more into the breach, dear friends, and no, I’m not talking about Ana’s vagina. Firstly, I thought I’d bring new reader’s attention to my Fifty Shades movie review, in all it’s exasperated glory, and this more in-depth piece I did about Fifty Shades as a love story. After another week of being told I “just want my own Christian Grey” (haha KILL ME) it’s time to throw myself back into the seemingly endless cavalcade of terrible writing and dull sex that is my life. Wait, no, Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah, the second one. Definitely the second one.

OOOH HE’S SO CUTE AND DOCTORY

After Ana weeps herself into a coma (a girl can dream), we open the chapter on a bit of a naughty sleep fantasy that Ana is having about Christian where he hits her clitoris with a riding crop (well done, EL, you’ve once again correctly named the female anatomy!) and the author uses the word leather three times in one paragraph because WRITING. Ana heads through to the kitchen where Kate asks her how her dinner went, and Ana punches her to the ground for being a dirty whoreslut who doesn’t understand that Ana DOESN’T WANT TO BE ASKED ANYTHING EVER DAMMIT. Nah, Ana sidetracks her by asking if she wants to show Ana her speech for today, because Ana and Kate are graduating. Ana takes the time to think about herself some more;

“Deep down, I’m not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive- it’s the canes and whips that put me off. I’m a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain.”

Ana, ANA, for the last buggering time, if you don’t want to do this, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS. Run! Leave forever! If your needs and his needs are so different, somebody is going to have to make some serious compromises to make this work, and it’s not going to end well. Ana’s stepdad turns up, and she mentions that she’s wearing Kate’s dress, probably because that Hidenberg replica is too fat to fit into it from all the sperm she’s eating. I’m a little taken aback by how badly this section is written because, wow, occasionally I forget that EL James understands the difference between compelling plot and shameless page-fillers as well as she understands the difference between romance and abuse. Blah blah blah, Ana goes to her graduation, Christian is there (because he’s a benefactor for the college), the girls in the audience next to Ana comment on how panty-dissolvingly hot he is, blah blah blah. Ana tells them that he’s gay, and then catches his eye.

“Unbidden, I recall my dream for this morning.”

I would tattoo this face on my face.

That’s weird, because here I was picturing Christian demanding that you remember that dream you haven’t told anyone about, so it’s good to know that it just popped into your head like that. Vital use of words there, EL. Ana listens to Kate give her speech, and is surprisingly kind about it, and for some reason every time Ana compliments Kate now I can’t read it as anything but a little sapphic. Damn me and my giant lesbian-tinted glasses. Christian comes on and does his great big speech about saving the world and feeding the hungry (by ordering an entire menu’s worth of food because he couldn’t be bothered sticking his head into the shower, but whatever) because he himself has known what it is like to feel hungry. Look, I know this line has to do with his abusive childhood, but when this happens:

“My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap.”

Look, I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but when the first Harry Potter films came out when I was but a bairne, I had a big crush on Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid. There was never anything sexual about it, but I just want him to cuddle me. That Christmas, the only thing I wanted was the Hagrid’ house Lego Set that came with a special Hagrid figure that was slightly bigger than normal Lego figures. I still have Lego Hagrid. This caption kind of got away from me. Why are you still reading this? Go back to the recap.

– I can’t help but snigger because now I’m picturing the entire rest of the book being made up of Ana being bowled over by the revelation that Christian has felt things like other humans sometimes. “Christian was sleepy? Christian was a bit thirsty? Christian really fancied a can of fruity Fanta?” (look, my period cravings are my period cravings, shut up). I guess, like me, Ana had assumed he rumbled round like a remote control car on a battery of horniness, occasionally parking to crack one out so he didn’t get overheated. He finishes the speech, and they begin the “tedious process” of collecting their degrees. I can tell you this for free: when I pick up my honours next year, I will be sprinting towards that stand like Barry fucking Allen and vaulting my way into a flat in Spain with my boyfriend and my cat. There will be nothing tedious about it. Christian quizzes her on why she hasn’t returned his emails when she collects her degree, because he can’t bear the thought of anyone knowing about their relationship except the potential hundreds of faculty, students, and family who are at this event. Kate comes to get Ana after the ceremony because Christian wants to see her. He takes her to the men’s locker room, and locks the door. Yeah, that’s right- he takes her away from her friends and family, then locks them in a room together.

Christian demands to know why he hasn’t returned her calls, snaps at Ana when she reveals that Jose services her car (I accidentally wrote that as cat, and just as I did so-)

Kitten will not be having this ignoring her to get work done pish. IT WILL NOT STAND.

then demands to meet her stepfather. Ray (her stepdad) agrees to grab a drink with Christian and Ana, and Ana internally freaks out when she realizes that the wine at the party is cheap. HEAVEN FUCKING FORFEND THAT ANYTHING LESS THAN LIQUID GOLD SHOULD CARESS THE PILLOWY LIPS OF CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKING GREY. Kate’s brother turns up and hugs Ana, and Ana comments that the family resemblance is striking even though she’s met him a few times before. Yeah, every time I see my mother, I think “Wow, don’t we look alike?”. Christian is not happy that Kate’s brother Ethan has his arm around Ana, and holds out his hand to her and calls her “baby”. She swoons internally, because she obviously hasn’t noticed that this certainly isn’t an act performed for the rival rutting male in the group since he hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with the endearments of late.

According to the text, Christian begins outright flirting with Ray while Ana loses her ever-loving shit at Kate for referring to Christian as her boyfriend. Once all the unbearable friends and family have drifted off, Ana and Christian discuss the contract more. Christian tells Ana that she “knows it’s going to be good, don’t you, baby?”, which, without the term of endearment, is more or less how my parents tried to convince me to get braces as a child so my teeth would less fucked up (I never did; my mouth is clinically too small and I’ve had to have a number of teeth removed so they don’t start exploding out of the front of my face or something. I was usually too scared at the dentist to actually pay attention to anything that was being said). This chapter just doesn’t end, does it?

Ray announces that he likes Christian because “anyone who knows and likes fly-fishing” is fine by him. Ignore the fact that your daughter is clearly nervous around him , why don’t you? Ray leaves, Ana cries, Christian makes more comments about how shitty Ana’s car is, and they exchange some more emails wherein Christian announces his coming over (her tits. Kidding, nothing that hardcore happens in this trilogy!). The chapter ends with EL James clicking on that SparkNotes bookmark once again, and quoting directly from Tess of the D’urbevilles.

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March 9, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Thirteen

Well, I’m still making some pretence at sticking to the schedule, so here we are again on Monday recapping Fifty Shades. We’re on to chapter thirteen now, and it’s just as unlucky as the previous twelve. We left off with Christian and Ana attemtping to thresh out some deal over the relationship agreement, and the chapter opens with Ana waking up and having to hear about why her mother won’t make it to her graduation. Apparently, her step-father has twisted a ligament or something, but in reality Ana’s mother probably can’t be fucked traipsing all the way up to her daughter’s graduation while she stares moodily off into the distance wondering if Grey’s going to dick her any time soon.

Pictured: a Moody look. GET IT? GET IT?!?!??!?!

Ana recieves an email from Christian, reminding her the meaning of the word submissive and imploring her to bear it in mind for their next meeting even though, hey, Ana still hasn’t agreed to the terms of the contract or to be his submissive! Ana insists on driving, because she apparently needs “a quick getaway”. Honestly, I feel like EL James was trolling the lot of us with this pish, wandering around and telling everyone that no, of course she didn’t write about an abusive relationship, what is everyone talking about, while giggling to herself and rolling about on a pile of money like Ranier Wolfcastle.

Couldn’t find appropriate Wolfcastle gif; after a long and arduous search, this will have to do.

Ana does some packing, then goes to bed before she heads out to work the next day. The boss’ son is there, and follows her about being a total dick because apparently no men that Ana isn’t related to can act in even a vaguely acceptable fashion around the most perfect specimen of human femininity that has ever existed.

“Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.

“No, you don’t. You’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me…”

WAAAA-AAAA–AAAHHH AAAANNNAAA WHHYYY WOOONN’TT YYYOOOUUU TTAAALLLKKK TOO MMEEE WWWWAAAAHHHH

Seriously, can we just have one exchange with a guy who isn’t Christian that doesn’t end with the guy pathetically and creepily hurling himself at Ana’s feet? Just one? Can we? Also, fuck you, Paul, if you think that the only way Ana can weasel herself away from you is by dating someone else. Maybe she has a date because she just, I don’t know, has a date? Not because she’s pulling some elaborate scamola on you? Urgh, this book, I’m telling you. A weight on my soul.

Ana gets ready to meet Christian to negotiate the contract, and thinks to herself ” I don’t wear make-up- it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up” and I get annoyed because Ana is about to graduate with a degree in English Literature and she apparently is still stuck in the Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte phase. When I was studying English at university, the majority of the novels we read were from the past fifty years, so forgive me if I don’t believe that the only women Ana could find to look up to in litreature were from two very easy-to-Sparknotes novels.

Ah, this Kermit gif never fails to fill me with girlish glee.

Ana and Christian meet at the bar of his hotel, and dicuss the contract. Ana briefly grows a backbone as she points out that the contract was legally unenforceable, and asks if he planned to hold it over her head anyway. He doesn’t answer that, and instead insists that relationships with submissives are built on trust and honesty, two things which Christian has earned 100% so far. Oh hang on a second.

Christian discovers that Ana hasn’t eaten (I’m so done with this not eating bullshit; like crap did she forget to eat for a full day and then drink wine on top of that and be a-okay), and decides to take her to his private dining room after Ana suggests that stay on neutral, public ground. Christian asks if she really thinks that would stop him, which begs the questions, stop him from what? Eating? “Oooh yeah, baby, I’m going to eat the shit out of this venison and drink the ever-loving fuck out this wine in front of all these people and there’s NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT”.

Christian tells Ana he’d ordered already, and she’s releived because she doesn’t think she could make any more decisions today. Which is the perfect mindset to be in when negotiating the terms of your BDSM contract, amrite, ladies? And it also begs the question: what the Christ have you been making decisions about so far? I think we need to go in the vein of another literary heroine, and lock Ana in the attic for her own good, because her brain is clearly wasting away like a mound of wet bread.

Whether or not I already had this picture saved to my laptop is neither here nor there.

Their oysters arrive, and Christian tells Ana to tip and swallow, which is hilarious because OMG SHE GAVE HIM A DIRTY BLOWJOB OMG. I misread a line about Christian squirting lemon juice into his own eye and am temporarily thrilled beyond belief. They continue negotiations, and Ana comments on how she’s feeling railroaded. BECAUSE HONESTY AND TRUST. They agree that Ana can eat and sleep what and when she wants, and Grey comments on how he wants to peel her out of her dress. Ana thinks “Sex, his most potent weapon, used against me”, because viewing sex as your partner’s offensive of choice is a healthy way to see your relationship. Just ask EL James, if she can hear you through the fistfuls of twenty-pound notes she has crammed in her ears. Christian has some thoughts on whether they should bone;

“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those desicions, all the wearying thought processes behind them. The “is it the right thing to do Should this happen here? Can it happen now?””

Notice that none of those questions is “do I want to do this?” and hey, once again, ANA HAS NOT AGREED TO BE HIS SUBMISSIVE. That might be something like what sex would be like if they WERE in a BDSM relationship, but they’re not, and Christian is using that to levy Ana into sex to distract her from her apprehension about the contract. It’s a shame in some ways, because if I see Jamie Dornan in the street, I won’t be responsible for my actions, because he’s the closest thing to a living embodiment of Christian Grey that exists and I so, so want to punch Christian straight in his stupid, pretty, rich face.

Anyone else re-watching Dexter to get them through the long, lonely nights…?

Ana decides that she wants to have some space after the intense conversation they’ve had (yay personal agency!) and she actually gets up and leaves. She worries about their future together, and panics about three months of stuff she’s “not sure” she wants to do. She cries in the car all the way home, which marks us up to the third time she’s left a meeting with Christian in tears. At this stage, if the rest of the book isn’t Ana skipping off to follow a post-college career and forgetting about Christian forever, because they’re so poorly matched. Something tells me, however, that this may not be the case.

Pictured: Me, reading this book and knowing I have hundreds of pages of abusive bullshittery to get through yet.

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March 2, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Double Recap: Chapter 11 and 12

Welcome back to another instalment of Fifty Shades of It’s Only BDSM, OMG, You Prude, Do Ur Research XD (amusingly, a couple of weeks ago on Twitter, someone snarled at me to write a damn essay on the abuse in Fifty Shades if I cared so much. FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT). Anyway, we left off with Ana opening the sex contract Christian gave her, and basically the entire chapter is her reading that contract. Shall we begin?

Right off the bat, let’s bear this in mind for later:

“2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due regard for her and her needs, her limits, and her well-being.”

Seriously, bear that the fuck in mind. Anyway, the contract goes on to cover STDs (not allowed, disappointingly), and what Ana would be expected to do as the submissive. Basically, it outlines that be signing the contract, Ana is comitting herself to three months of being Christian’s sub, at which point they’ll negotiate the terms if they intend to continue the relationship. Three months?! But what if she doesn’t like it? What if she wants out? I’m seriously doubting that this fucking contract would hold water in court, y’all.

Essentially, the contract makes for pretty boring reading, but in a lot of ways in does actually outline what a safe, sane, and consensual BDSm relationship consists of: safewords, the discussion of boundaries, and, um, the dictating of how much sleep Ana would be required to have every night and precisely what she’s supposed to eat from a perscribed list of foods. Help me out, BDSM peeps: is this sort of thing normal? I’m pretty well versed in BDSM but I’ve never been in or near a relationship of this intensity, so is the establishment of rules over eating and sleeping the norm or not?

The contract goes on to mention that Ana would be responsible for any “misbehavior” that might cast Christian in an ill light, even though she signed an NDA which means she couldn’t talk about the relationship anyway. She must realize that her behaviour “is a direct reflection on the dominant”, even though no-one but Ana, Christian, and any hapless family members who wander into his house ad nauseum would know about the whole BDSM thing. Urgh. The contract also discusses the fact that Ana will have to go to a trainer four times a week, and commit herself to whatever beauty treatments Christian sees fit. Again: BDSM folks, can you offer comment on this?

And after four pages of that (OOOH YEAH THIS FINE PRINT IS GETTING ME HOT DOWN THERE), we finally get to the stuff about actual sex. Hard limits (things that Christian won’t do, basically) include fireplay, breath play, and anything involving children or animals (if the flat is so small that your cat can hear you while you’re doing it, does that count?). Then the contract goes on to ask what Ana’s into, because the contract is a caring lover that’s interested in Ana’s limits. I’d go to bed with this contract over Christian. They include vaginal and anal fisting, the infliction of pain, bondage, swallowing cum etc. Aw, this isn’t nearly as hardcore as I was expecting!

Now, let’s take a look at Ana’s reaction to all of this. “I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking wouldn’t be so bad; humiliating though…No, no I can’t do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship”.

Ana, honey, serious talk now. It’s okay not to be into the same things the guy you like is into. But this reaction to even reading about BDSM suggests that you’re not into it. You’re not turned on by this. You can’t even consider it. And that’s totally okay. But if your sexual appetites are that different, one of you is going to have to be making massive compromises to make the other person happy, and, let’s face it, it’s going to be you.

She goes and brushes her teeth, and remembers “his body inside mine”, thus reminding us he is a Slitheen

And we have to put up with yet another reference to the muscles “deep, deep down” tugging at her. Does EL James just have a smooth bit of plastic between her legs, or is she just so embarrassed about the thought of writing about female sexual arousal she can’t fucking call anything what it actually is? At this point, I’m pulling for the former.

The next morning, a brand new, not-in-the-shops-yet Macbook arrives for Ana and the delivery man sets it up for her while trying to not blow his load all over the exclusive screen. Seriously, the way this is written, I think I’d like to read the sexual exploits of this way too enthusiastic computer fan and his new Macbook. That shit sounds hot as fuck.

“Most women gets flowers or maybe jewellery” says Kate suggestively”

SHUT UP KATE YOU PUTRID SEACOW. Anyway, Christian and Ana exchange some emails and he says “laters, baby” and the last vestige of my faith in humanity withers up inside me for good. Ana goes to work, and Jose turns up to take her for lunch, and she’s like “you know I could never stay mad at you, friends who repeatedly pushed himself on me after I turned him down!” and I can’t any more. Ana and Christian exchange some more interminable emails in which Christian orders Ana to go to Wikipedia to research BDSM.

Ana ends the unbelievably dull chapter by mentioning that she’s queasy and sick and doesn’t want this kind of stuff in her head, and saying to herself that she needs time to think. You know what, I’m plowing right on with the next chapter because I think that it’s worth putting these two back-to-back just to appreciate what an utter clusterfuck this story is turning into. So, chapter eleven.

Ana goes for a run, and wonders if it was Christian being “seduced” (and certainly not molested!) at such a young age that made him a dominant, because people with sexual fetishes are broken in some way obvs. Ana gets home and is forced to sit through Kate showing Ana what she’s going to be wearing on holiday to Barbados while Ana listens to the white noise in her head. Then- and it’s key you remember this- Ana sends Christian this email.

“Okay, I’ve seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana”

How I read that email. Jesus, Marilyn Monroe was earth-shatteringly beautiful, wasn’t she?

Ana laugh to herself, because she’s made a joke. But all Christian sees is this: this is an email, for all intents and purposes, that’s politely saying that hey, Ana isn’t into the BDSM stuff she’s seen and doesn’t want to see him again. And no, I’m not twisting that out of context- that’s the only thing Ana sends to him. Just that. Ana bemoans the fact that he doesn’t reply, and then gets on with packing up her room. As she’s re-reading the contract, this:

“I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye, I don’t know, but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway to my bedroom, watching me intently. He’s wearing his grey flannel and pants and a white linen shit, gently twirling his car keys. I pull out my earbuds and freeze. Fuck!”

Aside from the fact that this paragrpah sounds like it’s lifted straight out of a horror movie, let’s consider what’s happened here. Ana sent Christian an email that she knows was a joke, but for all intents and purposes is telling him to leave her alone. And what does he do? He turns up uninvited in her room to watch her.

Christian tells her that he thought her email required an in-person response, and sits on her bed. Ana’s thoughts: “I glance around, plotting an escape route”. Because plotting an escape route is exactly how I react to being in the same room as my lover FOR FUCK’S SAKE, HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS IS PROBLEMATIC?!

Christian questions Ana about her email and, before he asks her if it’s okay or if she meant what she said about not wanting to see him again, he’s kissing her and pinning her to the bed. Ana thinks “He wants me…not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen [other submissives], not Mrs Robinson…me”.Yeah, because it’s sooo healthy to take all your self-esteem from a man who’s chosen you over all the other women who totally want to nail him like Kate and her slutty bikinis, that dirty two-dollar whore!

Okay, this passage coming up is one that I’ve wanted to analyse for a while, because it’s a quote that I often see in anti-Fifty Shades memes and suchlike (which are basically providing a national service to all of humanity).

“He bends and starts undoing one of my sneakers. Oh no…no…my feet. No. I’ve just been running.

“No!” I protest, trying to kick him off.

” If you struggle, Miss Steele, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.”

Being privy to Ana’s inner monologue, we know that the reason she doesn’t want Christian to take off her shoes is because her feet are sweaty because she’s been running. But think about what Christian hears in this situation. After receiving an email from Ana telling him she didn’t want to see him any more, he turns up at her house. When he begins to undress her, she explicitly says “no” and tries to kick him away from her. In that situation, you fucking STOP AND ASK IF IT’S OKAY TO CONTINUE. If your partner ever says “no” during sexual activity, you stop immediately and check what’s up. Even if Christian had just stopped for a minute and said “is it just your feet or do you want me to stop altogether?” this scene would be less of an issue. But for all the Fifty Shades defenders reading this: Ana says no, and Christian ignores her, then threatens her. That’s what happens right here. She hasn’t signed the contract, hasn’t agreed to any BDSM, they haven’t discussed boundaries at all (the most we got was Christian asking “trust me?” and Ana nodding), there’s no discussed safewords. If you take Ana’s inner monologue out of it, this is an explicit rape scene, because she said no and he carried on.

Christian goes outside and gets a drink for them both after chatting to Kate while he’s half-naked, because if Ana protests about something Christian’s doing it will bring humiliation on everyone involved, but wandering out of the bedroom with only trousers on and chatting away to the roomate doesn’t give the game away. Christian dribble wine over Ana and- HOLD THE FUCK UP! ANA REFERRED TO HER CLITORIS AS A CLITORIS! AND WE’RE ONLY 194 PAGES INTO THE BOOK! Then there’s this as Christian prepares to fuck Ana and Ana refers to it unfortunately as “his sudden assault” and I’m all-

They come, Ana screams Christian’s name (picture it for a second), and Christian says “I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all”. Which, you know, means that he thought Ana was turning down his sexual advances but proceeded to turn up at her house uninvited and ignore her protests during sex because LOVE. Christian offers to introduce Ana to one of his ex-subs so she can learn from them, and Ana throws him out. Finally. Ana runs into her room and bursts into tears. Kate comes in, and asks why Ana is crying-

“I sent him an email.”

“Asking him to drop by?”

“No, saying I didn’t want to see him any more.”

“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.”

Is it, though? Is it really genius that the man she asked to stay away from her turned up without asking? Ana sends Christian some emails outlining what she is and isn’t willing to consent to on the contract, and I’m impressed that she’s actually negotiating. Instead of addressing any of her issues, Christian tells her to go to bed. Because mixed signals make me wet.

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February 18, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Ten

Well, another day, another argument about Fifty Shades of Grey on Twitter where I’m accused on exploiting women because I have a pun about boobs in my Twitter bio. I swear I’m just running on fumes, tea, and pure hatred for this book, so hopefully these recaps will become a bit more frequent because there’s some spectaculary awful stuff coming up in the next couple of chapters. We left off with Ana and Christian having the sexiest of sexy times at the end of the last chapter, only for his mother to arrive at his place unannounced.

Christian leaps out of Ana’s vagina, and demands that she get dressed because he wants her to meet his mother-“I expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come in here and drag you out in whatever you’re wearing”- because, and say it with me now, CHRISTIAN GREY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS TOO. Ana gets dressed, and spends a paragraph dealing with her “just-fucked pigtails”, which, you know, obviously means this:

After she puts on a pair of his boxers, she wonders if she SHOULD take him up on his offer of clean clothes, while her subconcious calls her a ho. She’s already wearing his clothes, and why the fuck does wearing someone else’s clothes make you a ho? I went to Tescos in my boyfriend’s shirt last week because it’s warm and quick to put on, was everyone eyeing me nervously in the aisles and wondering just how many cock I’d sucked that morning? Well, probably, yes, but that’s more to do with my jolly “Ask Me How Many Penises I’ve Had In My Mouth Today” badge, not because of a comfy shirt.

Jenna Marbles is maybe my biggest internet crush. I’d wife the hell out of her.

So Ana goes out to meet Christian’s mother, Dr Grace Trevelyan-Grey (no, really), and is embarrassed about what a mess she looks compared to her, because Ana’s favourite pastime is comparing herself favourably to women she doesn’t respect, and unfavourably to women she does. Sigh.

After some small talk, Ana gets a phone call, and it’s from Jose, demanding to know why she hasn’t returned his calls after he tried to forcibly kiss her several times the week before. I mean, for fuck’s sake- Jose only had to be less awful than Christian, a job about as difficult as writing a romance more convincing than Twilight. But EL James and Jose missed their mark, and I’ve begun pulling my hair out strand by strand as a comfort.

I mean, I think this is just relevant in any of my articles, or indeed any moment of my life, because this both applies to me and I am at least as hot as Naya Rivera. Shut up, you don’t know me.

Hey, you know what I’ve been doing this week? I’ve been looking at the warning signs for an abusive relationship, ust to familairise myself with them when I’m attempted to pull the organs out of this book. So lets have a look at the next couple of pages with the help of helpguide.org, which provides information to better understand and end domestic abuse. Christian asks Ana if it was “the photographer” who called her.

“Christian glares at me.

“So the photographer called?”

Crap.

“Yes.”

“What did he want?”

“Just to apologise, you know, for Friday”

Christian narrows his eyes.

“I see” he says simply.”

Between Mark Ruffalo and Ed Norton, The Hulk has had insanely good luck with casting.

Now, on it’s own, that passage is infuriating- why is Ana internally freaking out when she did nothing to encourage a call and, you know, has every right to talk to whoever she wants? But on the next page, after Christian tells her to do some research about BDSM online and it’s revealed that Ana doesn’t have a computer like all graduating university students ever, there’s this:

“”I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Kate’s voice. He frowns.

“The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning and with one, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.

Holy crap. I just wanted to call Kate. I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness has left me paralyzed. What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?”

It is always time for Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette Reynolds in True Blood. Tip yo’ waitress.

Now let’s take a look at the list of warning signs for abuse and tick off what applies to this segment.

1. Do you feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

Ana describes his tone as “chilling” and exclaims “crap!” when she realizes Christian is going to ask her about Jose calling, an event which she has no control over. Maybe a bit of a push, but not what you’d look for in a romantic hero.

2. Does your partner have a bad and unpredictable temper?

The last sentence details Ana’s confusion over how quickly he went from making love to her to “warning” her for talking to another man then storming off.

3. Does your partner act excessively jealous and possessiveness?

Yes, next.

4. Does your partner keep you from seeing friends or family?
Christian has basically told Ana he doesn’t want her to see Jose, and expressed anger over her imagine desire to talk to him.

5. Does your partner see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Well, he just told Ana he doesn’t like to share, implying that he doesn’t want Jose dirtying up his precious sex toy. So yeah, I think we can go with posession.

6. Do you feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Ana says she wants to go after him, but is “paralyzed”. So yes, this fits.

That’s SIX REASONS THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IN TWO PAGES. So when those Fifty Shades fans come crawling out of the woodwork and demand proof or a section in the book which promotes abuse and doesn’t question it as a bad thing, here’s one I didn’t even have to look for. Stop saying this book is not about abuse, because you are quantifiably wrong.

Christian and Ana get in the lift so he can drive her home, and Ana bemoans the fact that she can’t talk to Kate about sex, and that Christian is impossible to get help out of because he’s “open one minute and standoffish the next”, because of course this is how healthy BDSM relationships work. Christian grudgingly accepts that Ana can talk to Kate about sex, as long as she doesn’t say anything to Elliot (Christian’s brother, who she’s dating). Ana gets defensive of Kate in her head, even though we all know Kate is a total bitchwhore who enjoys sex and is pretty but isn’t half as amazing as virginal, sweet Ana, and then Ana got the lead in the school musical and kissed the shy basketball player who’d loved her all along. I think.

I was in a high school production of High School Musical. I played no-one of any important, because I sing like a duck swallowing a cricket bat.

Christian drives Ana about a bit in his fancy car while they wear baseball caps and listen to Springsteen (“Gotta love Bruce”, offhands Christian and I crush all my Springsteen CDs to dust). He asks if she’s hungry, (she is hungry…but not for food. No, seriously that’s the line), she says no and he frowns and says he’s taking her out for dinner anyway, at the place of his choice (does your partner control where you are or what you do?).

They arrive at the restaurant, and Christian orders them both wine. When Ana says she wants a coke, he tells her that she’s having the wine anyway (does your partner ignore or put down your opinions?). He tells her his mother liked her (probably because she’s delighted there’s someone about to keep Christian away from the family home long enough for them to change the locks and pretend they’d never met him before). They begin discussing his sexual preferences, because God forbid Ana should talk to Kate about it when they can discuss it loudly in a popular local restaurant. Then this bombshell happens:

“”One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen”

Holy crap, that’s young!”

HOLD THE FUCK UP. That’s not just young, Ana: that’s statutory fucking rape. That’s against the law as well as being wildly immoral. That person, who “seduced” him? She’s a rapist. A RAPIST. Christian goes on to describe how his ~~seducer~~ molestor continued a sexual relationship with him as a submissive for six years, and they remain very good friends to this day. I’m going to come back to this later in the recaps, but this is horrible, doubly so because James won’t name it as what it is: rape.

There’s some stupid back and forth over Ana not eating, and Christian explains some more details of the contract and that he’s had fifteen other submissives in the past (all of whom are definitely buried in the garden of the Grey estate). Ana comments for the third time in the chapter that she can’t get a handle on Christian’s ever-changing moods. He takes her back to her place, and Kate immediately starts asking her about what’s been going on in the last few days. Ana rolls her eyes internally, because Kate is a filthy bitch. Kate talks about her first time when it becomes clear that Ana had sex with- and enjoyed having sex with- Christian.

“He was rough. I wasn’t ready. We were both drunk You know-typical teenage post-prom disaster…I was too young. You were right to wait.”

YES BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO HAD SEX BEFORE ANA IS A DIRTY SLUT WHO HAS IRRESPONSIBLE SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL URGH. Outside of some very clear cases, there is no “right” or “wrong” time, there is no “right” or “wrong” person, virginity is a societal construct, and it sucks that Kate had a bad first experience but it doesn’t mean that the author has to shoehorn it in to show that everything Ana does is RIGHT. Oh, and if we’re talking about “rough”? Let’s remember when Grey “ripped through” her “virginity” only a couple of chapters ago (that still makes me clamp my legs together on impulse). Jose calls again, and shouts down the phone about how Ana’s got to forgive him for sexually assaulting her. She does. Look, just slam the fucking phone down, kick Jose and Christian to the curb, and run off to Lesbos with Kate. I would read that story. I will write that story. I will fanfiction this fanfiction.

Ana cooks dinner for them and comments on how nice it is to eat an unhurried, un-pestered meal for once because love is someone hovering over your shoulder and huffing at you till you eat your vegetables, dammit. As Kate goes off to talk to Elliot, Ana braces herself and….looks at the sex contract he’s given her.

Kill me.

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February 12, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 9

Right, that’s it. No more Ms Nice Recapper. A couple of days ago I wrote an article expounding on a few ideas that have been covered extensively since Fifty Shades was first released- that it depicts an abusive relationship, that the BDSM in depicts is inaccurate and irresponsible, that people seem oblivious to both these factors. Well, I was on Twitter yesterday, and I decided to look out a few fans who believed that Fifty Shades didn’t depict an abusive relationship (I assume there are fans who like the books AND understand that it’s an abusive relationship, but I’ve not come across one yet). Guess what? They’re all a bunch of twats. I really rarely make generalisations of this kind of extremity, but reading through the endless breakdowns from social workers, domestic abuse survivors, and pissed off critics, there is simply no denying that Fifty Shades is about an abusive relationship. The people who think it isn’t are either idiots or wilfully ignorant. And, considering how loud the debate has gotten over the last week or two with the release of the movie only a day away, few fans of the book are unaware of the proof and arguments made to support the fact that abuse exists in Fifty Shades. And they’re still defending it. Do you know what that says to me? That says that they have put their own “ideal man”-who’s a boring, pretentious cunt- above the desire to listen to and support victims of domestic abuse. They are negating traumatic experiences so they can get their jollies to some abusive monster and, while Christian Grey might only exist on the page,his ilk are very real. And hey, who can blame them-the author gets upset that people are “trivializing” these issues by implying that she wrote a book that’s a how-to guide for abusers. I imagine she probably gets even more upset that the people who’ve seen their own abusive experiences regurgitated up in the form of half-baked fan-fiction and waved in their face as “THE ROMANCE OF THE CENTURY” while the author trivializes the issues by refusing to address them. These are a bunch of grown adults jamming their fingers in their ears and shouting “LALALALALA IF I CAN’T HEAR YOU IT’S NOT TRUE”. I’m done. I’m out. I’ve attempted to look at this book from an amusing, non-accusatory point of view because I appreciated that lots of people liked it and found it empowering, but I’m not going to coddle the thousands of idiots who think this isn’t abuse. I’m putting this book in the reverse bear trap and ripping it to pieces, because the people saying it’s not abusive can’t been convinced, they can only be proved wrong, again and again and again, until they look like such idiots no-one takes them seriously. Come the fuck on: let’s get chapter 9 of these recaps on the go.

*exhales*

Right, so the chapter begins as Ana wakes up next to Christian. As she wanders round Christian’s giant walk-in closet, her subconscious tells her off for letting a man she doesn’t love take her virginity, because now what bedsheets will she show to her husbands on their wedding night now, the slattern? She bemoans her luck for having fallen for an unbelievably rich, super-handsome guy who just fucked her, and it strikes me that the only really positive things that Ana says about Christian revolve around his bank balance or his body. Seriously, I can’t bring to mind one other nice thing she’s said about him other than “rich” and “hot”.

If I’m going to be fucking a sociopath who’s only redeeming features are being hot and rich…

Ana starts cooking breakfast, and Christian makes some innuendo about eggs (“thoroughly whisked and beaten”) as Ana thinks how uncharacteristically playful he is, even though she has literally spent no time around him and can’t no what’s in-character or not. She winces when they sit down for breakfast, and Christian makes some more thinly veiled references to how he’s going to pound her some more (Ana’s subconcious literally goes “more… more sex… yes, please”, which sounds like something I might blurt out during a vivid dream about Michael Rooker, not something anyone would actually think in real life). Christian attempts to convince Ana to stay for another night, and takes way too long to “acquiesce” that she’s going to leave that evening. Oh fuck off Grey you entitled wankstain. Speaking of entitled wankstains, Ana doesn’t fancy her breakfast-

“”I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.”

WHHYY—HHYY–HYYY WON’T YOU EAT YOUR EGGS ANA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Remember back in chapter four when he ordered the entire hotel breakfast menu for Ana without bothering to ask what she wanted? Ana thinks that she “must remember not to put so much on [her] plate” and I want to burn my house to the ground because she’s a grown woman who can eat however much or little as she wants. Kate calls, and gets excited that Ana banged Grey, saying she’s been waiting four years for this moment (presumably because now Ana’s been deflowered she’ll be distracted from stealing Kate’s clothes, fucking up Kate’s work opportunities, and living off Kate’s family). She asks if Ana’s okay and if he was gentle (do we all remember him “ripping” through her virginity in the last chapter?) and Ana gets exasperated and hangs up. You know, that Kate really is a raging bitchtroll, and I’m entirely on side about Ana’s anger at her questions because- oh wait, hang on, Ana’s being unbearable again, isn’t she? Because no other women in this book can be remotely likeable or decent lest we realize that Ana has all the character depth of a particularly lingering fart? SILLY ME.

How dare you imply that this was nothing but an excuse to browse through my generous collection of Bill Skarsgard-related gifs.

Christian invites Ana for a bath and desire pools “way down there” as Ana’s feet presumably start secreting vaginal fluid. She starts chewing her lip:

“”I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?””

Ah yes, I remember how it’s Ana’s fault that you can’t control your erection and also haven’t even considered the fact that Ana might want to actually have sex. They climb into the bath together, and Christian rubs a soapy flannel on her vagina, which certainly isn’t the way to get a persistent urinary tract infection, especially after you’ve recently had sex for the first time. I hope the rest of this book is just Ana mainlining cranberry juice and jamming natural yoghurt up herself to cure a yeast infection, all the while blaming Kate, that putrid bitch.

Pictured: Ana’s subconcious dwells on Kate.

In the end, Christian doesn’t let her orgasm, and instead insists that he needs cleaning. My favourite line of the book so far happens-

“”I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I am very attached to it”

So many questions. Does he have a list with all his body parts in order of preference? Does he realize that of course he’s very attached to his cock- because it’s actually a part of his body? If his cock has a first name, does that mean it has a last one too? Is that last name double-barrelled? Man, you can’t just throw that in there and expect me not to want to know more.

Another overly masculine attachment that I have many, many questions about.

For some reason, EL is more than happy to describe a quite graphic blowjob scene with anatomically correct words, but still can’t refer to Ana’s vagina. I refuse to believe, considering this is told from Ana’s viewpoint, that she knew them fancy word for his cock but still can’t accurately name ANYTHING that goes on between her belly and the “apex of her thighs” (which is how she constantly refers to her bits). And then Christian comments on how young Ana looks with pigtails in, and Ana refers to his cock as a “popsicle”, and I get really skeeved out. Christian ties her hands, and promises to kiss her all over: “My heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs, right down there.” WHERE? WHERE? SHE CAN RUN HER TONGUE OVER HIS ERECTION BUT SHE CAN’T NAME PARTS OF HER OWN BODY? At this point, I don’t think this is chasteness, but rather just ignorance of her own body, which is somewhat worrying considering the fact that the guy who’s sleeping with her doesn’t really care much to explain it to her (earlier in the chapter, he tells Ana that any questions she has about sex should be directed at him, not Kate, who Ana wants to talk to).

Pictured: Ana’s attitude to sex

Christian sucks on her feet, yada yada yada, then it becomes clear that he’s going to go down on her. Ana’s reaction? “…part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there!”. HEAVEN FORFEND. Look, I don’t know if it’s common to find oral sex embarrassing, and if you do then fair enough, it’s your body, but you’d think the best-selling romance of all time would feature a female lead who wasn’t humiliated at the thought of receiving pleasure? After she’s come, she syas she vaguely hears the rip of foil and Christian starts screwing her, because fuck what he said a page ago about not wanting to have sex with her because she’s sore, and fuck asking her if that’s what she wants to do!

Oh everyone and everything fuck off.

Oh, and then his mother turns up.

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January 24, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Eight

With the impending release of the Fifty Shades film (Valentine’s Day 2015, folks!) I’m taking on the next chapter of the novel of our generation and-whisper it- the very first sex scene in the book. We left off just as Ana told Christian that she was a virgin, and something tells me it’s about to get sexy in an awkwardly written, slightly creepy way up in here! Pull up your dildos and fruit-sceneted intimate lubricant: let’s get the erotic side of this novel on the go.

Aaaand the chapter launches into usual magnificent style with Christian making Ana feel like shit for not having had sex before. Ana wonders “Why am I feeling guilty?”. Good fucking question. Christian explains that he’s not angry at Ana but with himself, and he’s just doing an amazing imitiation of a thundering cock who’s cross at someone for not having disclosed their sexual history when they first shook hands. There’s a question missing a question mark, and Ana gasps says he’d like to bite her lip, again. Look, I’m just saying that I wouldn’t let anyone who said they wanted to bite on my lip “hard” within twenty feet of my vagina. What is it with the Hannibal shit, anyway?

Hannibal series three has been pushed back to the summer; let’s all console ourselves thinking foul things about this gif.

I’ll admit that I’m slightly looking forward to this sex scene. For all the things that Fifty Shades does wrong- and there’s everything from a lack of understanding of consent to silly editing gaffs- this is the thing it’s supposed to do right. If Fifty Shades can successfully fluff me, I can at least understand the point of this trilogy for all it’s atrocious faults.

The first thing I notice is a reference to “down there” and things “clenching” again as a euphemism for Ana’s arousal, and I’m immediately annoyed. This isn’t eighteenth-century bodice-ripping romance; Ana’s a twenty-one year old soon-to-be graduate who’s apparently baffled by what arousal amounts to, even though she dissolves into a sputtering pit of juices every time Christian glances at her? Euuuuuaaaaaaaaarrrrrgghh.

And, really, there’s not a huge amount worth mentioning in this sex scene. It’s kind of over-described and a little formal, which took me out of the otherwise okay action. I’m not reading it and thinking “waaaah, that’s super hot”. I’m reading it and thinking “I don’t need to know the colour of Ana’s bra”. She describes what is apparently her first ever orgasm (as she explains during the scene that she doesn’t masturbate, which might account for her inability to actually locate and name what arousal is) as “splintering”, which brings to mind the image of an over-full wooden barrel exploding for some reason. He finishes and within half a page they’re already screwing again, because being a billionaire with sexy eyes means that you’re permanently strolling about with a boner like a surprised cat’s tail.

Pictured: Christian Grey’s cock

At one point, he plays with her clitoris then sticks his finger in her mouth, and she notes internally that it tastes like blood. Either Ana’s started her period (not that I’d think Ana knows what one of those are, and just jams kitchen roll up there till it stops), or they’ve gone full blood-on-the-bedsheets virginal hymen-breaking with this. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but if I were Christian and someone were bleeding during sex, I’d at least give them the heads-up so they could go clean up if they waned before I (literally) plunged in for round two. He repeatedly tells her that she’s his, and that she can come on command, then he “pours into” her (funnel sex play, presumably) and they’re done. The big sex scene? Only okay (incidentally, check out Lush Stories or Literotica for short, free, occasionally excellent erotic fiction if Fifty Shades doesn’t float your boat. Or just download this, for free, because it’s the antithesis of this book in all ways and is super hot.).

Ana wakes up in the night, and hears Chrstian playing the piano because-

-THIS IS A TWILIGHT FANFICTION. He says he didn’t mean to disturb her, which is bullshit as you can’t play the piano silently, she gasps at his fingers on the keys etc, etc. They go back to bed, and Christian comments that the bloodied sheets will give his housekeeper something to think about, which begs the sentence I never thought I’d say again: be a human being and don’t make someone else wash your new girlfriend’s hymen blood off the sheets. I mean, come on.

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November 14, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Seven

Well, I’m bored, finished work, and currently trying to find excuses not to clean my flat. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: it’s Fifty Shades post meridian. Before I begin, though, I’d like to draw your attention to this. ‘Kay? ‘Kay. As your reward: recap time!

We left Ana and Christian just as Christian revealed his playroom to our snoozey Mary Sue. Ana opens the chapter by describing literally everything about the room, right down to the smell (disappointingly, it’s not the scent of banana condoms mixed with vaginal secretions, sweat, and Grey’s ego), even drawing our attention to a large wooden cross with restraining cuffs on each end. Let it be known that when the movie comes out, I’m going to overdub this scene with this music, because I find it intrinsically hilarious and…well, just picture it.

DO DO DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOOO-DOOOOO

Ana also mentions that there’s a mattress covered in red leather, which I find pretty offputting. In theory (by which I mean in porn), this is “sexy”, but in practice, you’d just be ripping layers of your skin off every time you went to change positions, earning yourself a tremendous burn and stinky leather in the process. Wouldn’t this also be insanely expensive? I’ve never come across red leather bedding in any form, and even for a gazillionaire like Christian it seems like a pointlessly extravagant purchase.

If you don’t like the Muppets, there’s something intrinsically wrong with you as a person.

Ana asks Christian about the room, who he uses it with, and why he brought her heOH GOD MY CAT IS ABOUT TO BE SICK ON MY BED, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-

Right, anyway, Christian says he brought her to the playroom because, after expressing physical interest in her and kissing her passionately, he apparently wants to have sex with her now? Look, I know that Ana is meant to be a beautiful, pure untouched virgin, but one minute she’s basically fully understanding what the playroom is for- and bear in mind that many sexually active people go through their whole lives without encountering BDSM of this intensity-and the next she’s surprised that this guy who has basically outrightly said he wants to fuck her wants to fuck her?

Fuck it. I’m out.

The next passage seriously annoys me. In it, Christian explains that he is a dominant and that this room is used to both punish and reward his (consenting) submissives. Suddenly, Ana is all “HE’S DANGEROUS FOR MY HEALTH” and “KATE WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIM” and so forth. Look, of all the fucking creepy shit he’s done so far-which, to recount, includes taking her away from a party, back to his hotel room, undressing her, and sleeping next to her without her consent-having a torture room full of kinky BDSM gear and being comfortable calmly explaining it ISN’T THAT FUCKING DANGEROUS.

This passage happens;

“This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Christian who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the azaleas, and the monster who possesses whips and chains in a special room”.

For the last time: being into BDSM doesn’t make you a monster. Having a room dedicated to BDSM seems pretty sensible. “Rescuing” someone from inebriation is a dick move. I’m drunk right now, and the only thing rescuing me from inebriation is my cat and that’s only because she’s wanting fed. Ana is tremendously confused about what makes a “monster”.

Christian leads her downstairs to get something to eat, despite the fact the seeing his pain dungeon torture leather basement has made her lose her appetite. Once again, we’re pulling on the Ana-is-an-untouched-virgin trope here, but is exposing someone to your sexual desire really that awful? I mean, I’ve encountered my fair share of bizarre sexual stuff, and-aside from one experience where someone else’s period started at a tremendously inopportune moment- the worst I’ve done is say “hey, look, this really isn’t for me”. If Ana is having such an obviously visceral reaction to Christian’s home porn set, why the fuck doesn’t she just politely leave?

Ana eats some grapes after Christian starts haranguing her over whether she likes cheese or not (no, seriously) and that’s that. They discuss his history with BDSM, another one of those scenes which will play out much better in the film (which I will be paying money to see, then reviewing on this blog as a grand finale to these recaps if I can be fucked). Christian takes her to the office, and shows her the contract she’d have to sign if she were his submissive; one of the clauses involves clothing.

Happy E

“I want you dressed well. I’m sure your salary, when you do get a job, won’t cover the kind of clothes I’d like you to wear”.

Prrrrrrrick.

The other parts of the contract (OOH ALL THIS TALK OF LEGAL NEGOTIATION IS MAKING ME WANT TO PUT MY DOWN MY TROUSERS) deal with his hard limits, which rule out almost all the fun stuff. What’s the point of sex without a little fire-play? When Christian asks Ana if there’s anything she’d like to add, she reveals that she’s never actually had sex before. Aaand….that’s the cliffhanger to end this chapter on. Ballin’.

Did you know I also recap Doctor Who on this blog? You should totally read my award-winning* reviews!
*Only awards one are given in little ceremony to myself in the mirror before I go to bed.

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September 30, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Six + Links Bonanza

We return to the magical world of Fifty Shades just after Christian and Blana have shared their first smooch in a lift. As Ana wonders if it ever happened- Grey probably had choloform in his lip-balm, just to be on the safe side- he straps her into his SUV and plays her Sex on Fire, which is a terrible song for a terrible guy and most certainly not the first tune I heard after I lost my virginity.

He then receives a call from his brother, whose first question is if he got laid. Just like the phone conversations me and my big brother have, really, except for the part where any of that happens. I might sound like I’m bored recapping this: I am. Grey’s just being a low-level prick while Ana pouts over the fact that he won’t snog her again. Give me the juicy stuff, dammit! (Not your vagina, Ana, darling).

The first thing that really pisses me off comes after Grey drops Ana back off at the apartment that he knows she lives at despite having never visited or been given an address to. Kate, Ana’s roomate (that BITCH), is there, having just had a roll in the hay with Christian’s brother Elliot. To answer your question, he only seems marginally better than Grey, kissing her hand and saying “Laters, baby” as he leaves. Ana says Kate looks “compliant”, which conjures up images of automatons from Age of Mythology as well as being a bit inexplicable. How does someone LOOK compliant? Grey clearly has a nose for them, but Ana, the great English major, clearly has no fucking clue how words work. Can you fuck someone into general compliance, anyway? I’ve never had sex with my partner and found myself feeling willing to obey anything that anyone told me to do.

Once again, EL demonstrates her complete ignorance at how twenty-somethings communicate-

“Wow, Ana Steele finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey- hot, sexy billionaire.”

“Oh yeah, it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles.

While proving once again that Ana is a fucking hoot, EL takes a second to remind us that Grey is far too good for Ana AND that he’s hot, sexy, and rich. Because we needed to have someone stiltedly reading that off cue cards in the text, again. Bleh. Kate decides to spruce Ana up for her date tonight, and it all turns into a nineteenth century courtship novel, with depillaion-

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly obtrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that is what men expect these days.

I accept the idea that Ana is a sexual and romantic newbie, but did it really come as a surprise that most gents prefer a shaved lady? It all comes across as making Ana out to be a beautiful untouched virgin, innocent and unschooled in the ways of sexuality and primping. Like Rachel Weisz in The Mummy, only a thousand times less intelligent and appealing.

The only known intersection in the ven diagram of people who me, my boyfriend, and my Dad all fancy.

For no apparent plot-worthy reason, Ana goes to work, then gets picked up by Grey and his driver Taylor to take her to the helipad.

Ana notices that Christian smiles warmly at an older employee at the helipad, and is pretty surprised. Honestly, when you’re surprised that your date is showing a modicum of politeness to those in his employ, it’s not the best sign. Christian straps Ana into the chopper (if only that were literal), and kisses her cheek. She talks about the muscles of her belly contracting again, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s some constipation on the go as opposed to arousal. EL seems to have a problem with having Ana just say that she’s super turned-on or horny, and has to have her use endless metaphors in an attempt to establish the depth of her lust for the man who has just told her he likes he in a harness. Ana mentions how awed she is, and Christian reveals that he prefers soaring-well, gliding to the layperson. No shit, these words are written on the page, and I should know as I’m currently trying to tear it out of the book in annoyance. All these pointless double-meanings and posh words aren’t a way of displaying intelligence, they are a way of displaying a predisposition to pretension-in the cases of both the character and the author. Ana and Christian arrive in Seattle.As he unfastens her seatbelt, for no apparent reason, Grey asks

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t to do. You know that, don’t you?”

Well, where were you last chapter when we had the whole passed-out-drunk-and-stripped naked fiasco? What follows is no less than four paragraphs- almost a whole page- describing what the apartment he’s brought her to looks like, and EL’s obsession with talking about glass continues. This exchange occurs.

“Are you hungry?”

I shake my head. Not for food.”It’s a very big place you have here.”

“Big?”

“Big.”

“It’s big” he agrees, and his eyes glow with amusement, I take another sip of wine.

“Do you play?” I point my chin at the piano.

“Yes.”

“Well?”

“Yes.”

Benedict isn’t even in character as Sherlock here. THAT’S HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE THEIR INNUENDO IS.

I really think this is one of the scenes that will work better in the movie, as reading this sucks it desert-dry of the sexual tension and innuendo EL clearly thought it was dripping with. The formatting looks weird, the subject all over the place, and the sheer insignificance and cheesiness of the exchange makes me want to burn a library. In my head, this is just an awkward chat filled with pauses and in-law dinner time-fillers. With Ana unable to take the tension any more, especially after they exchange tidbits about Tess of the D’urbervilles (which is an excellent book that is demaned by it’s mention in these pages). Christian brings out a non disclosure agreement, asking that Ana sign it before they go any further. Aside from paperwork being the singular most sexy thing on earth (I’m doing my taxes right now, and have to take regular breaks to furiously copulate with my harem of lovers), it seems that Ana is far too horny to read anything before she signs it. An intelligent woman in control of her own destiny, ladies and gentlemen!

After explaining that he doesn’t make love, he “fucks…hard” (is it seventies porn o’clock already?), Christian offers to show Ana his playroom. She prances in, unaware that she’s actually just signed her soul in a Faustian deal with the devil and Mephistopholes is waiting within to drag her into hell. The chapter ends with an internal exclamation:

Holy Fuck.

HOLY FUCK!

LINKS!

What’s up, party people? Like you’re favourite celebrity coming out round the back to sign autographs, I’m bestowing on you a bunch of links that might be of interest. I’ll be updating the About page with these soon enough, but in case I forget, here they are. Do what you will!

Twitter- this is my twitter feed, where I post a bunch of articles from this site and others, and vent about getting up early, my cat, and politics. Follow away.

The Cutprice Jukebox- This is the sister site to the Guignol, where me and the consort review music- it’s a mixture of older bits and pieces along with a bunch of new bands of various genres, with reviews, retrospectives, and top tens a-plenty. You can like that site on Facebook here for more regular updates, and me being a little bitch about Morrissey.

The Interesting People Project- there’s a blog post about it here, because it’s a lot to explain in a few sentences. My interview heavy labour of love, featuring chats with everyone from David Firth, creator of Salad Fingers, to Vic Mignogna, noted voice actor and generally cool guy.

The Man Place– My dad, who is a much better writer than me, blogs about growing up in the sixties-everything from Action Man to playing soldiers. You can also find his other, more niche blog The Gun Place here, if you’re into learning about air pistols and the way that guns are used in movies from a bearded Aberdonian. My mother sells a fictional ebook about life in the Highlands (the genre of the book is fiction, that is- it does exist) here, and I’m sure we could dredge up a poem my brother wrote for English class one time if you want the full set of my family’s writing.

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September 25, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Five

You realise there are five hundred pages of this to get through, right? Five hundred magnificent pages in this book, which is thick enough to comfortably wrap in pastry and be called a Book Wellington? In happier news, here’s a gif from Vikings featuring Floki, giving the greatest motivational speech in television history. Finding it has been, so far, the highlight of my day (apart from, of course, the heroin).

There literally aren’t words. Except these ones.

So, as we plunge headfirst into Ana’s sopping wet personality, let’s pick up the start of chapter five. At the end of the last chapter, Christian had turned up at a bar, declared Ana drunk, and whisked her away to his hotel room where she was hilariously sick everywhere. She takes an entire page to rouse properly, and remembers the hideous events of the night before. Christian arrives, and Ana comments that his jogging bottoms hang off him “In that way” (what way? WHAT FUCKING WAY IS THAT?!), and that the thought of his sweat does strange things to her. To be fair, the thought of my lover’s sweat does strange things to me too, but most of them involve gagging and making rude comments.

They talk for a while, and it’s revealed that Christian decided NOT to take Ana back to her apartment in case she threw up in his car on the way, and undressed her while she was passed out. Let’s repeat that: he undressed her when she was passed out. This is not something a concerned stranger does. A concerned stranger calls you a cab and makes sure you get home okay. He does not travel cross-country to pick you up personally, take you to his hotel, and take your clothes off while you’re comatose. This is not how healthy relationships start. Ana notices this, stunningly.

“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond technology you’re developing for the highest bidder!” I snap. He stares at me, surprised, and , if I’m not mistaken, a little wounded.

“First, the technology to track cell phones is available over the internet.”

Let’s consider this: despite her righteous anger, Christian completely ignores the reason WHY she’s upset and goes on to patronisingly explain how things work as way of excuse. The issue at hand is not how much money he spent on tracking her phone, it’s that he felt the need to track her phone at all, after meeting her-what, twice at this point? He claims that she would have slept with Jose if he hadn’t come to save her, and then it’s just dropped. At this point, I’m getting pretty fucking angry.

Oh wait, there’s more! Christian scolds her for not eating, and tells her that if he had his way she “wouldn’t be able to sit for a week” after the “stunt she pulled”. What, getting drunk and going out with friends should be disciplined with a thrashing that the female lead has in no way consented to or encouraged, much like, I don’t know, all of Christian’s creepy actions so far? CONSISTENCY.

“My medulla oblongata has neglected to fire synapses” EL, NO TWENTY-SOMETHING TALKS OR THINKS LIKE THIS. Ana’s subconcious sounds like it was written by a fourteen-year-old with a thesaurus and an inferiority complex. After she’s started synapse firing again, he touches her face and she starts “squirming with needy, achy…discomfort”. Sounds like a bladder infection, pal.

She goes for a shower and starts fantasising about Christian feeling her up. He’s sent his bodyguard out to go and buy her new clothes, including a super-fancy bra and pants. Now, forgive me, but if a guy had done all the stuff that Christian had up until this point, and then bought me a sexy underwear that fits perfectly somehow I would probably be calling it a day roundabout then. Because he’s continually invaded Ana’s privacy and personal space in a way that she’s never really given consent to (or been in a sober enough position to give consent too). All this ignorance of the system of consent is making me want to touch my bad parts.

Christian orders them both breakfast, and scolds Ana for having her hair too damp. This is after he’s called her out of a shower to eat breakfast. She offers to pay for the clothes and return his books, but he declines “because [he] can”. Mr Charitable Starving Nations 5000, ladies and gents. Ana asks why he sent her the mysterious books, and he explains.

“”Well, when you were nearly run over by that cyclist-and I was holding you and you were looking up at me- all “Kiss me, kiss me, Christian”….I felt I owed you an apology and a warning”

I feel like this Peter Capaldi gif will be coming in very handy for these recaps.

Yes, I recall, after she was nearly mowed into a paste by that psychopathic man on a pushbike. He tells her he can’t stay away, she tells him he shouldn’t, he gasps. Actually gasps. He tells her “I’d like to bite that lip”

He’d like to bite it, too.

Ana basically squirts everywhere, saying “Jeez!” internally. He tells her he’s not going to touch her “till I have your written consent to do so”. WELL FUCKING HALLELUJAH. Yes, it’s fine for Christian to remove her from her friends against her will while apocolyptically drunk, choose not to take her to her apartment but to his hotel room, undress her, sleep next to her, and buy sexy lingerie for her, but God forbid he actually touch her without her consent. I am trying to work with you, EL, I really fucking am.

They agree to a date, but this encounter isn’t over yet! Nope, there’s still time for Christian to ostentatiously order his helicopter, Charlie Tango, and order Ana to finish her breakfast-which is now cold- because he doesn’t like wasted food. Despite, you know, ordering a wide selection of food from the room service menu which Ana clearly could not consume herself because he couldn’t be bothered being all like “Hey, Ana, what would you like for breakfast?”.

After two pages of Ana drying her hair and putting on clothes, they both step into the lift where Christian pins her up against a wall and yanks her hair and makes out with her. Then they seem to start grinding really slowly, while Ana thinks “I’m helpless”, and any sense of sexiness is lost with the notion that our heroine has basically no agency over her own sexual life. Whee, sexual revolution! The chapter draws to a finale with this edifying exchange.

“You’ve brushed your teeth” he says, staring at me.

“I used your toothbrush”

His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”

Buy her a fucking toothbrush, you twat.

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August 9, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Four

In between recaps, my computer broke, I watched Orphan Black, and I dyed my hair purple. Now, on with the chapter!

The last chapter ended with Grey saving Ana from the terrifying bicycle of death and her imploring him (internally, of course-anything else wouldn’t be ladylike) to kiss her. He doesn’t kiss her.

I’ve been looking for an excuse to use this gif for EVER.

She just about dies on the spot, curses the fact she thought someone like Christian Fancydick would be interested in some lithe, artful, dark-haired pimple like her, and leaves. She sobs in her garage like a pussy. Eventually she makes her way to the apartment and Kate tries to convince her that a rich guy like Grey might be into a pale, big-eyed, well-off kid like her. Ana decides he rejected her because he was too good-looking, as there’s no way it had anything to do with her being a shallow, bitchy tea-bore.

Ana takes her final exams (0h yeah, remember college?) and arrives home to find Kate brandishing a package for her. Kate is far too useful. I’m beginning to think that she’s actually a plant by Ana’s parents to make sure she doesn’t starve or set herself on fire. Either way, the package is some first-edition books from AN UNKNOWN SENDER. The UNKNOWN SENDER has highlighted some passage from Tess of the D’urbevilles where a hero warns the heroine off him. This shite makes Jumanji look like Se7en.

Ana and her pals go out to get drunk like normal students, but because Ana’s a lightweight and has probably never woken up from a nap underneath three cubicles in the lady’s bathroom on her eighteenth birthday, she thinks it’s a grand idea to call Grey. Upon realising she’s drunk and somehow sensing that Jose is flirting with her, Grey declares that he’s on his way to pick her up. Wait, what?

So this guy has had a coffee with her, rejected her, and now he’s so utterly terrfied for her safety that he has to come to Portland to pick her up from hanging out with her friends and roomate? Tits to that. I’ve had close friends suggest bringing a rowdy night to a close answered with bottle hugging and pouting. If someone tried to pick me up from a party for no good reason I would break them into shards to match their empty glass heart.

A close personal friend of mine was slagging off Matt Smith last week. He looked upon his last dawn.

Ana goes outside to get some fresh air and Jose starts forcibly trying to get off with her. Come on, Jose, man, I liked you! Why did you have to go and make Grey seem like the better alternative? And seriously man, no means fucking no. Calling her “darling” in Spanish doesn’t make you less of a prick.

But thank absoloute fuckery, because Grey is here to pick Ana up. Ana vomits at Jose’s feet, some shite occurs to fill up page space (seriously, Ana just vomits some more in excruciating detail. Next time someone tells you they think Fifty Shades is really hot, assume they’re talking about this vomiting scene, and refuse to let it go until they slice the book into sashimi rolls for your bitter enjoyment) Grey sweeps her off to the hotel he’s staying in. Because going back to the hotel room of a man you know has strange feelings for you and also purchases murder paraphernalia while drunk is the best desicion ever made ever the end.

But we don’t get to find out how bad of a desicion it was until next time! Hold on in there, folks!

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Category: Fifty shades of grey recaps