The Cutprice Guignol

In between recaps, my computer broke, I watched Orphan Black, and I dyed my hair purple. Now, on with the chapter!

The last chapter ended with Grey saving Ana from the terrifying bicycle of death and her imploring him (internally, of course-anything else wouldn’t be ladylike) to kiss her. He doesn’t kiss her.

I’ve been looking for an excuse to use this gif for EVER.

She just about dies on the spot, curses the fact she thought someone like Christian Fancydick would be interested in some lithe, artful, dark-haired pimple like her, and leaves. She sobs in her garage like a pussy. Eventually she makes her way to the apartment and Kate tries to convince her that a rich guy like Grey might be into a pale, big-eyed, well-off kid like her. Ana decides he rejected her because he was too good-looking, as there’s no way it had anything to do with her being a shallow, bitchy tea-bore.

Ana takes her final exams (0h yeah, remember college?) and arrives home to find Kate brandishing a package for her. Kate is far too useful. I’m beginning to think that she’s actually a plant by Ana’s parents to make sure she doesn’t starve or set herself on fire. Either way, the package is some first-edition books from AN UNKNOWN SENDER. The UNKNOWN SENDER has highlighted some passage from Tess of  the D’urbevilles where a hero warns the heroine off him. This shite makes Jumanji look like Se7en.

Ana and her pals go out to get drunk like normal students, but because Ana’s a lightweight and has probably never woken up from a nap underneath three cubicles in the lady’s bathroom on her eighteenth birthday, she thinks it’s a grand idea to call Grey. Upon realising she’s drunk and somehow sensing that Jose is flirting with her, Grey declares that he’s on his way to pick her up. Wait, what?

So this guy has had a coffee with her, rejected her, and now he’s so utterly terrfied for her safety that he has to come to Portland to pick her up from hanging out with her friends and roomate? Tits to that. I’ve had close friends suggest bringing a rowdy night to a close answered with bottle hugging and pouting. If someone tried to pick me up from a party for no good reason I would break them into shards to match their empty glass heart.

A close personal friend of mine was slagging off Matt Smith last week. He looked upon his last dawn.

Ana  goes outside to get some fresh air and Jose starts forcibly trying to get off with her. Come on, Jose, man, I liked you! Why did you have to go and make Grey seem like the better alternative? And seriously man, no means fucking no. Calling her “darling” in Spanish doesn’t make you less of a prick.

But thank absoloute fuckery, because Grey is here to pick Ana up. Ana vomits at Jose’s feet, some shite occurs to fill up page space (seriously, Ana just vomits some more in excruciating detail. Next time someone tells you they think Fifty Shades is really hot, assume they’re talking about this vomiting scene, and refuse to let it go until they slice the book into sashimi rolls for your bitter enjoyment) Grey sweeps her off to the hotel he’s staying in. Because going back to the hotel room of a man you know has strange feelings for you and also purchases murder paraphernalia while drunk is the best desicion ever made ever the end.

But we don’t get to find out how bad of a desicion it was until next time! Hold on in there, folks!