The Cutprice Guignol

Right, that’s it. No more Ms Nice Recapper. A couple of days ago I wrote an article expounding on a few ideas that have been covered extensively since Fifty Shades was first released- that it depicts an abusive relationship, that the BDSM in depicts is inaccurate and irresponsible, that people seem oblivious to both these factors. Well, I was on Twitter yesterday, and I decided to look out a few fans who believed that Fifty Shades didn’t depict an abusive relationship (I assume there are fans who like the books AND understand that it’s an abusive relationship, but I’ve not come across one yet). Guess what? They’re all a bunch of twats. I really rarely make generalisations of this kind of extremity, but reading through the endless breakdowns from social workers, domestic abuse survivors, and pissed off critics, there is simply no denying that Fifty Shades is about an abusive relationship. The people who think it isn’t are either idiots or wilfully ignorant. And, considering how loud the debate has gotten over the last week or two with the release of the movie only a day away, few fans of the book are unaware of the proof and arguments made to support the  fact that abuse exists in Fifty Shades. And they’re still defending it. Do you know what that says to me? That says that they have put their own “ideal man”-who’s a boring, pretentious cunt- above the desire to listen to and support victims of domestic abuse. They are negating traumatic experiences so they can get their jollies to some abusive monster and, while Christian Grey might only exist on the page,his ilk are very real. And hey, who can blame them-the author gets upset that people are “trivializing” these issues by implying that she wrote a book that’s a how-to guide for abusers. I imagine she probably gets even more upset that the people who’ve seen their own abusive experiences regurgitated up in the form of half-baked fan-fiction and waved in their face as “THE ROMANCE OF THE CENTURY” while the author trivializes the issues by refusing to address them. These are a bunch of grown adults jamming their fingers in their ears and shouting “LALALALALA IF I CAN’T HEAR YOU IT’S NOT TRUE”. I’m done. I’m out. I’ve attempted to look at this book from an amusing, non-accusatory point of view because I appreciated that lots of people liked it and found it empowering, but I’m not going to coddle the thousands of idiots who think this isn’t abuse. I’m putting this book in the reverse bear trap and ripping it to pieces, because the people saying it’s not abusive can’t been convinced, they can only be proved wrong, again and again and again, until they look like such idiots no-one takes them seriously. Come the fuck on: let’s get chapter 9 of these recaps on the go.

*exhales*

Right, so the chapter begins as Ana wakes up next to Christian. As she wanders round Christian’s giant walk-in closet, her subconscious tells her off for letting a man she doesn’t love take her virginity, because now what bedsheets will she show to her husbands on their wedding night now, the slattern? She bemoans her luck for having fallen for an unbelievably rich, super-handsome guy who just fucked her, and it strikes me that the only really positive things that Ana says about Christian revolve around his bank balance or his body. Seriously, I can’t bring to mind one other nice thing she’s said about him other than “rich” and “hot”.

If I’m going to be fucking a sociopath who’s only redeeming features are being hot and rich…

Ana starts cooking breakfast, and Christian makes some innuendo about eggs (“thoroughly whisked and beaten”) as Ana thinks how uncharacteristically playful he is, even though she has literally spent no time around him and can’t no what’s in-character or not. She winces when they sit down for breakfast, and Christian makes some more thinly veiled references to how he’s going to pound her some more (Ana’s subconcious literally goes “more… more sex… yes, please”, which sounds like something I might blurt out during a vivid dream about Michael Rooker, not something anyone would actually think in real life). Christian attempts to convince Ana to stay for another night, and takes way too long to “acquiesce” that she’s going to leave that evening. Oh fuck off Grey you entitled wankstain. Speaking of entitled wankstains, Ana doesn’t fancy her breakfast-

“”I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.”

WHHYY—HHYY–HYYY WON’T YOU EAT YOUR EGGS ANA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Remember back in chapter four when he ordered the entire hotel breakfast menu for Ana without bothering to ask what she wanted? Ana thinks that she “must remember not to put so much on [her] plate” and I want to burn my house to the ground because she’s a grown woman who can eat however much or little as she wants. Kate calls, and gets excited that Ana banged Grey, saying she’s been waiting four years for this moment (presumably because now Ana’s been deflowered she’ll be distracted from stealing Kate’s clothes, fucking up Kate’s work opportunities, and living off Kate’s family). She asks if Ana’s okay and if he was gentle (do we all remember him “ripping” through her virginity in the last chapter?) and Ana gets exasperated and hangs up. You know, that Kate really is a raging bitchtroll, and I’m entirely on side about Ana’s anger at her questions because- oh wait, hang on, Ana’s being unbearable again, isn’t she? Because no other women in this book can be remotely likeable or decent lest we realize that Ana has all the character depth of a particularly lingering fart? SILLY ME.

How dare you imply that this was nothing but an excuse to browse through my generous collection of Bill Skarsgard-related gifs.

Christian invites Ana for a bath and desire pools “way down there” as Ana’s feet presumably start secreting vaginal fluid. She starts chewing her lip:

“”I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?””

Ah yes, I remember how it’s Ana’s fault that you can’t control your erection and also haven’t even considered the fact that Ana might want to actually have sex. They climb into the bath together, and Christian rubs a soapy flannel on her vagina, which certainly isn’t the way to get a persistent urinary tract infection, especially after you’ve recently had sex for the first time. I hope the rest of this book is just Ana mainlining cranberry juice and jamming natural yoghurt up herself to cure a yeast infection, all the while blaming Kate, that putrid bitch.

Pictured: Ana’s subconcious dwells on Kate.

In the end, Christian doesn’t let her orgasm, and instead insists that he needs cleaning. My favourite line of the book so far happens-

“”I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I am very attached to it”

So many questions. Does he have a list with all his body parts in order of preference? Does he realize that of course he’s very attached to his cock- because it’s actually a part of his body? If his cock has a first name, does that mean it has a last one too? Is that last name double-barrelled? Man, you can’t just throw that in there and expect me not to want to know more.

Another overly masculine attachment that I have many, many questions about.

For some reason, EL is more than happy to describe a quite graphic blowjob scene with anatomically correct words, but still can’t refer to Ana’s vagina. I refuse to believe, considering this is told from Ana’s viewpoint, that she knew them fancy word for his cock but still can’t accurately name ANYTHING that goes on between her belly and the “apex of her thighs” (which is how she constantly refers to her bits). And then Christian comments on how young Ana looks with pigtails in, and Ana refers to his cock as a “popsicle”, and I get really skeeved out. Christian ties her hands, and promises to kiss her all over: “My heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs, right down there.” WHERE? WHERE? SHE CAN RUN HER TONGUE OVER HIS ERECTION BUT SHE CAN’T NAME PARTS OF HER OWN BODY? At this point, I don’t think this is chasteness, but rather just ignorance of her own body, which is somewhat worrying considering the fact that the guy who’s sleeping with her doesn’t really care much to explain it to her (earlier in the chapter, he tells Ana that any questions she has about sex should be directed at him, not Kate, who Ana wants to talk to).

Pictured: Ana’s attitude to sex

Christian sucks on her feet, yada yada yada, then it becomes clear that he’s going to go down on her. Ana’s reaction? “…part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there!”. HEAVEN FORFEND. Look, I don’t know if it’s common to find oral sex embarrassing, and if you do then fair enough, it’s your body, but you’d think the best-selling romance of all time would feature a female lead who wasn’t humiliated at the thought of receiving pleasure?  After she’s come, she syas she vaguely hears the rip of foil and Christian starts screwing her, because fuck what he said a page ago about not wanting to have sex with her because she’s sore, and fuck asking her if that’s what she wants to do!

Oh everyone and everything fuck off.

Oh, and then his mother turns up.