The Cutprice Guignol

The Ninth Year: The Haunting of Swill House

Tag: fifty shades of grey recap funny

Fifty Shades of Grey Double Recap: Chapter 11 and 12

Welcome back to another instalment of Fifty Shades of It’s Only BDSM, OMG, You Prude, Do Ur Research XD (amusingly, a couple of weeks ago on Twitter, someone snarled at me to write a damn essay on the abuse in Fifty Shades if I cared so much. FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT). Anyway, we left off with Ana opening the sex contract Christian gave her, and basically the entire chapter is her reading that contract. Shall we begin?

Right off the bat, let’s bear this in mind for later:

“2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due regard for her and her needs, her limits, and her well-being.”

Seriously, bear that the fuck in mind. Anyway, the contract goes on to cover STDs (not allowed, disappointingly), and what Ana would be expected to do as the submissive. Basically, it outlines that be signing the contract, Ana is comitting herself to three months of being Christian’s sub, at which point they’ll negotiate the terms if they intend to continue the relationship. Three months?! But what if she doesn’t like it? What if she wants out? I’m seriously doubting that this fucking contract would hold water in court, y’all.

Essentially, the contract makes for pretty boring reading, but in a lot of ways in does actually outline what a safe, sane, and consensual BDSm relationship consists of: safewords, the discussion of boundaries, and, um, the dictating of how much sleep Ana would be required to have every night and precisely what she’s supposed to eat from a perscribed list of foods. Help me out, BDSM peeps: is this sort of thing normal? I’m pretty well versed in BDSM but I’ve never been in or near a relationship of this intensity, so is the establishment of rules over eating and sleeping the norm or not?

The contract goes on to mention that Ana would be responsible for any “misbehavior” that might cast Christian in an ill light, even though she signed an NDA which means she couldn’t talk about the relationship anyway. She must realize that her behaviour “is a direct reflection on the dominant”, even though no-one but Ana, Christian, and any hapless family members who wander into his house ad nauseum would know about the whole BDSM thing. Urgh. The contract also discusses the fact that Ana will have to go to a trainer four times a week, and commit herself to whatever beauty treatments Christian sees fit. Again: BDSM folks, can you offer comment on this?

And after four pages of that (OOOH YEAH THIS FINE PRINT IS GETTING ME HOT DOWN THERE), we finally get to the stuff about actual sex. Hard limits (things that Christian won’t do, basically) include fireplay, breath play, and anything involving children or animals (if the flat is so small that your cat can hear you while you’re doing it, does that count?). Then the contract goes on to ask what Ana’s into, because the contract is a caring lover that’s interested in Ana’s limits. I’d go to bed with this contract over Christian. They include vaginal and anal fisting, the infliction of pain, bondage, swallowing cum etc. Aw, this isn’t nearly as hardcore as I was expecting!

Now, let’s take a look at Ana’s reaction to all of this. “I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking wouldn’t be so bad; humiliating though…No, no I can’t do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship”.

Ana, honey, serious talk now. It’s okay not to be into the same things the guy you like is into. But this reaction to even reading about BDSM suggests that you’re not into it. You’re not turned on by this. You can’t even consider it. And that’s totally okay. But if your sexual appetites are that different, one of you is going to have to be making massive compromises to make the other person happy, and, let’s face it, it’s going to be you.

She goes and brushes her teeth, and remembers “his body inside mine”, thus reminding us he is a Slitheen

And we have to put up with yet another reference to the muscles “deep, deep down” tugging at her. Does EL James just have a smooth bit of plastic between her legs, or is she just so embarrassed about the thought of writing about female sexual arousal she can’t fucking call anything what it actually is? At this point, I’m pulling for the former.

The next morning, a brand new, not-in-the-shops-yet Macbook arrives for Ana and the delivery man sets it up for her while trying to not blow his load all over the exclusive screen. Seriously, the way this is written, I think I’d like to read the sexual exploits of this way too enthusiastic computer fan and his new Macbook. That shit sounds hot as fuck.

“Most women gets flowers or maybe jewellery” says Kate suggestively”

SHUT UP KATE YOU PUTRID SEACOW. Anyway, Christian and Ana exchange some emails and he says “laters, baby” and the last vestige of my faith in humanity withers up inside me  for good. Ana goes to work, and Jose turns up to take her for lunch, and she’s like “you know I could never stay mad at you, friends who repeatedly pushed himself on me after I turned him down!” and I can’t any more. Ana and Christian exchange some more interminable emails in which Christian orders Ana to go to Wikipedia to research BDSM.

Ana ends the unbelievably dull chapter by mentioning that she’s queasy and sick and doesn’t want this kind of stuff in her head, and saying to herself that she needs time to think. You know what, I’m plowing right on with the next chapter because I think that it’s worth putting these two back-to-back just to appreciate what an utter clusterfuck this story is turning into. So, chapter eleven.

Ana goes for a run, and wonders if it was Christian being “seduced” (and certainly not molested!) at such a young age that made him a dominant, because people with sexual fetishes are broken in some way obvs. Ana gets home and is forced to sit through Kate showing Ana what she’s going to be wearing on holiday to Barbados while Ana listens to the white noise in her head. Then- and it’s key you remember this- Ana sends Christian this email.

“Okay, I’ve seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.


How I read that email. Jesus, Marilyn Monroe was earth-shatteringly beautiful, wasn’t she?

Ana laugh to herself, because she’s made a joke. But all Christian sees is this: this is an email, for all intents and purposes, that’s politely saying that hey, Ana isn’t into the BDSM stuff she’s seen and doesn’t want to see him again. And no, I’m not twisting that out of context- that’s the only thing Ana sends to him. Just that. Ana bemoans the fact that he doesn’t reply, and then gets on with packing up her room. As she’s re-reading the contract, this:

“I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye, I don’t know, but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway to my bedroom, watching me intently. He’s wearing his grey flannel and pants and a white linen shit, gently twirling his car keys. I pull out my earbuds and freeze. Fuck!”

Aside from the fact that this paragrpah sounds like it’s lifted straight out of a horror movie, let’s consider what’s happened here. Ana sent Christian an email that she knows was a joke, but for all intents and purposes is telling him to leave her alone. And what does he do? He turns up uninvited in her room to watch her.

Christian tells her that he thought her email required an in-person response, and sits on her bed. Ana’s thoughts: “I glance around, plotting an escape route”. Because plotting an escape route is exactly how I react to being in the same room as my lover FOR FUCK’S SAKE, HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS IS PROBLEMATIC?!

Christian questions Ana about her email and, before he asks her if it’s okay or if she meant what she said about not wanting to see him again, he’s kissing her and pinning her to the bed. Ana thinks “He wants me…not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen [other submissives], not Mrs Robinson…me”.Yeah, because it’s sooo healthy to take all your self-esteem from a man who’s chosen you over all the other women who totally want to nail him like Kate and her slutty bikinis, that dirty two-dollar whore!

Okay, this passage coming up is one that I’ve wanted to analyse for a while, because it’s a quote that I often see in anti-Fifty Shades memes and suchlike (which are basically providing a national service to all of humanity).

“He bends and starts undoing one of my sneakers. Oh no…no…my feet. No. I’ve just been running.

“No!” I protest, trying to kick him off.

” If you struggle, Miss Steele, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.”

Being privy to Ana’s inner monologue, we know that the reason she doesn’t want Christian to take off her shoes is because her feet are sweaty because she’s been running. But think about what Christian hears in this situation. After receiving an email from Ana telling him she didn’t want to see him any more, he turns up at her house. When he begins to undress her, she explicitly says “no” and tries to kick him away from her. In that situation, you fucking STOP AND ASK IF IT’S OKAY TO CONTINUE. If your partner ever says “no” during sexual activity, you stop immediately and check what’s up. Even if Christian had just stopped for a minute and said “is it just your feet or do you want me to stop altogether?” this scene would be less of an issue. But for all the Fifty Shades defenders reading this: Ana says no, and Christian ignores her, then threatens her. That’s what happens right here. She hasn’t signed the contract, hasn’t agreed to any BDSM, they haven’t discussed boundaries at all (the most we got was Christian asking “trust me?” and Ana nodding), there’s no discussed safewords. If you take Ana’s inner monologue out of it, this is an explicit rape scene, because she said no and he carried on.

Christian goes outside and gets a drink for them both after chatting to Kate while he’s half-naked, because if Ana protests about something Christian’s doing it will bring humiliation on everyone involved, but wandering out of the bedroom with only trousers on and chatting away to the roomate doesn’t give the game away. Christian dribble wine over Ana and- HOLD THE FUCK UP! ANA REFERRED TO HER CLITORIS AS A CLITORIS! AND WE’RE ONLY 194 PAGES INTO THE BOOK! Then there’s this as Christian prepares to fuck Ana and Ana refers to it unfortunately as “his sudden assault” and I’m all-

They come, Ana screams Christian’s name (picture it for a second), and Christian says “I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all”. Which, you know, means that he thought Ana was turning down his sexual advances but proceeded to turn up at her house uninvited and ignore her protests during sex because LOVE. Christian offers to introduce Ana to one of his ex-subs so she can learn from them, and Ana throws him out. Finally. Ana runs into her room and bursts into tears. Kate comes in, and asks why Ana is crying-

“I sent him an email.”

“Asking him to drop by?”

“No, saying I didn’t want to see him any more.”

“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.”

Is it, though? Is it really genius that the man she asked to stay away from her turned up without asking? Ana sends Christian some emails outlining what she is and isn’t willing to consent to on the contract, and I’m impressed that she’s actually negotiating. Instead of addressing any of her issues, Christian tells her to go to bed. Because mixed signals make me wet.


Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 9

Right, that’s it. No more Ms Nice Recapper. A couple of days ago I wrote an article expounding on a few ideas that have been covered extensively since Fifty Shades was first released- that it depicts an abusive relationship, that the BDSM in depicts is inaccurate and irresponsible, that people seem oblivious to both these factors. Well, I was on Twitter yesterday, and I decided to look out a few fans who believed that Fifty Shades didn’t depict an abusive relationship (I assume there are fans who like the books AND understand that it’s an abusive relationship, but I’ve not come across one yet). Guess what? They’re all a bunch of twats. I really rarely make generalisations of this kind of extremity, but reading through the endless breakdowns from social workers, domestic abuse survivors, and pissed off critics, there is simply no denying that Fifty Shades is about an abusive relationship. The people who think it isn’t are either idiots or wilfully ignorant. And, considering how loud the debate has gotten over the last week or two with the release of the movie only a day away, few fans of the book are unaware of the proof and arguments made to support the  fact that abuse exists in Fifty Shades. And they’re still defending it. Do you know what that says to me? That says that they have put their own “ideal man”-who’s a boring, pretentious cunt- above the desire to listen to and support victims of domestic abuse. They are negating traumatic experiences so they can get their jollies to some abusive monster and, while Christian Grey might only exist on the page,his ilk are very real. And hey, who can blame them-the author gets upset that people are “trivializing” these issues by implying that she wrote a book that’s a how-to guide for abusers. I imagine she probably gets even more upset that the people who’ve seen their own abusive experiences regurgitated up in the form of half-baked fan-fiction and waved in their face as “THE ROMANCE OF THE CENTURY” while the author trivializes the issues by refusing to address them. These are a bunch of grown adults jamming their fingers in their ears and shouting “LALALALALA IF I CAN’T HEAR YOU IT’S NOT TRUE”. I’m done. I’m out. I’ve attempted to look at this book from an amusing, non-accusatory point of view because I appreciated that lots of people liked it and found it empowering, but I’m not going to coddle the thousands of idiots who think this isn’t abuse. I’m putting this book in the reverse bear trap and ripping it to pieces, because the people saying it’s not abusive can’t been convinced, they can only be proved wrong, again and again and again, until they look like such idiots no-one takes them seriously. Come the fuck on: let’s get chapter 9 of these recaps on the go.


Right, so the chapter begins as Ana wakes up next to Christian. As she wanders round Christian’s giant walk-in closet, her subconscious tells her off for letting a man she doesn’t love take her virginity, because now what bedsheets will she show to her husbands on their wedding night now, the slattern? She bemoans her luck for having fallen for an unbelievably rich, super-handsome guy who just fucked her, and it strikes me that the only really positive things that Ana says about Christian revolve around his bank balance or his body. Seriously, I can’t bring to mind one other nice thing she’s said about him other than “rich” and “hot”.

If I’m going to be fucking a sociopath who’s only redeeming features are being hot and rich…

Ana starts cooking breakfast, and Christian makes some innuendo about eggs (“thoroughly whisked and beaten”) as Ana thinks how uncharacteristically playful he is, even though she has literally spent no time around him and can’t no what’s in-character or not. She winces when they sit down for breakfast, and Christian makes some more thinly veiled references to how he’s going to pound her some more (Ana’s subconcious literally goes “more… more sex… yes, please”, which sounds like something I might blurt out during a vivid dream about Michael Rooker, not something anyone would actually think in real life). Christian attempts to convince Ana to stay for another night, and takes way too long to “acquiesce” that she’s going to leave that evening. Oh fuck off Grey you entitled wankstain. Speaking of entitled wankstains, Ana doesn’t fancy her breakfast-

“”I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained.”


Remember back in chapter four when he ordered the entire hotel breakfast menu for Ana without bothering to ask what she wanted? Ana thinks that she “must remember not to put so much on [her] plate” and I want to burn my house to the ground because she’s a grown woman who can eat however much or little as she wants. Kate calls, and gets excited that Ana banged Grey, saying she’s been waiting four years for this moment (presumably because now Ana’s been deflowered she’ll be distracted from stealing Kate’s clothes, fucking up Kate’s work opportunities, and living off Kate’s family). She asks if Ana’s okay and if he was gentle (do we all remember him “ripping” through her virginity in the last chapter?) and Ana gets exasperated and hangs up. You know, that Kate really is a raging bitchtroll, and I’m entirely on side about Ana’s anger at her questions because- oh wait, hang on, Ana’s being unbearable again, isn’t she? Because no other women in this book can be remotely likeable or decent lest we realize that Ana has all the character depth of a particularly lingering fart? SILLY ME.

How dare you imply that this was nothing but an excuse to browse through my generous collection of Bill Skarsgard-related gifs.

Christian invites Ana for a bath and desire pools “way down there” as Ana’s feet presumably start secreting vaginal fluid. She starts chewing her lip:

“”I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?””

Ah yes, I remember how it’s Ana’s fault that you can’t control your erection and also haven’t even considered the fact that Ana might want to actually have sex. They climb into the bath together, and Christian rubs a soapy flannel on her vagina, which certainly isn’t the way to get a persistent urinary tract infection, especially after you’ve recently had sex for the first time. I hope the rest of this book is just Ana mainlining cranberry juice and jamming natural yoghurt up herself to cure a yeast infection, all the while blaming Kate, that putrid bitch.

Pictured: Ana’s subconcious dwells on Kate.

In the end, Christian doesn’t let her orgasm, and instead insists that he needs cleaning. My favourite line of the book so far happens-

“”I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I am very attached to it”

So many questions. Does he have a list with all his body parts in order of preference? Does he realize that of course he’s very attached to his cock- because it’s actually a part of his body? If his cock has a first name, does that mean it has a last one too? Is that last name double-barrelled? Man, you can’t just throw that in there and expect me not to want to know more.

Another overly masculine attachment that I have many, many questions about.

For some reason, EL is more than happy to describe a quite graphic blowjob scene with anatomically correct words, but still can’t refer to Ana’s vagina. I refuse to believe, considering this is told from Ana’s viewpoint, that she knew them fancy word for his cock but still can’t accurately name ANYTHING that goes on between her belly and the “apex of her thighs” (which is how she constantly refers to her bits). And then Christian comments on how young Ana looks with pigtails in, and Ana refers to his cock as a “popsicle”, and I get really skeeved out. Christian ties her hands, and promises to kiss her all over: “My heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs, right down there.” WHERE? WHERE? SHE CAN RUN HER TONGUE OVER HIS ERECTION BUT SHE CAN’T NAME PARTS OF HER OWN BODY? At this point, I don’t think this is chasteness, but rather just ignorance of her own body, which is somewhat worrying considering the fact that the guy who’s sleeping with her doesn’t really care much to explain it to her (earlier in the chapter, he tells Ana that any questions she has about sex should be directed at him, not Kate, who Ana wants to talk to).

Pictured: Ana’s attitude to sex

Christian sucks on her feet, yada yada yada, then it becomes clear that he’s going to go down on her. Ana’s reaction? “…part of me wants to push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there!”. HEAVEN FORFEND. Look, I don’t know if it’s common to find oral sex embarrassing, and if you do then fair enough, it’s your body, but you’d think the best-selling romance of all time would feature a female lead who wasn’t humiliated at the thought of receiving pleasure?  After she’s come, she syas she vaguely hears the rip of foil and Christian starts screwing her, because fuck what he said a page ago about not wanting to have sex with her because she’s sore, and fuck asking her if that’s what she wants to do!

Oh everyone and everything fuck off.

Oh, and then his mother turns up.

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Six + Links Bonanza

We return to the magical world of Fifty Shades just after Christian and Blana have shared their first smooch in a lift. As Ana wonders if it ever happened- Grey probably had choloform in his lip-balm, just to be on the safe side- he straps her into his SUV and plays her Sex on Fire, which is a terrible song for a terrible guy and most certainly not the first tune I heard after I lost my virginity.

He then receives a call from his brother, whose first question is if he got laid. Just like the phone conversations me and my big brother have, really, except for the part where any of that happens. I might sound like I’m bored recapping this: I am. Grey’s just being a low-level prick while Ana pouts over the fact that he won’t snog her again. Give me the juicy stuff, dammit! (Not your vagina, Ana, darling).

The first thing that really pisses me off comes after Grey drops Ana back off at the apartment that he knows she lives at despite having never visited or been given an address to. Kate, Ana’s roomate (that BITCH), is there, having just had a roll in the hay with Christian’s brother Elliot. To answer your question, he only seems marginally better than Grey, kissing her hand and saying “Laters, baby” as he leaves. Ana says Kate looks “compliant”, which conjures up images of automatons from Age of Mythology as well as being a bit inexplicable. How does someone LOOK compliant? Grey clearly has a nose for them, but Ana, the great English major, clearly has no fucking clue how words work. Can you fuck someone into general compliance, anyway? I’ve never had sex with my partner and found myself feeling willing to obey anything that anyone told me to do.

Once again, EL demonstrates her complete ignorance at how twenty-somethings communicate-

“Wow, Ana Steele finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey- hot, sexy billionaire.”

“Oh yeah, it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles.

While proving once again that Ana is a fucking hoot, EL takes a second to remind us that Grey is far too good for Ana AND that he’s hot, sexy, and rich. Because we needed to have someone stiltedly reading that off cue cards in the text, again. Bleh. Kate decides to spruce Ana up for her date tonight, and it all turns into a nineteenth century courtship novel, with depillaion-

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly obtrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that is what men expect these days.

I accept the idea that Ana is a sexual and romantic newbie, but did it really come as a surprise that most gents prefer a shaved lady? It all comes across as making Ana out to be a beautiful untouched virgin, innocent and unschooled in the ways of sexuality and primping. Like Rachel Weisz in The Mummy, only a thousand times less intelligent and appealing.

The only known intersection in the ven diagram of people who me, my boyfriend, and my Dad all fancy.

The only known intersection in the ven diagram of people who me, my boyfriend, and my Dad all fancy.

For no apparent plot-worthy reason, Ana goes to work, then gets picked up by Grey and his driver Taylor to take her to the helipad.

Ana notices that Christian smiles warmly at an older employee at the helipad, and is pretty surprised. Honestly, when you’re surprised that your date is showing a modicum of politeness to those in his employ, it’s not the best sign. Christian straps Ana into the chopper (if only that were literal), and kisses her cheek. She talks about the muscles of her belly contracting again, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s some constipation on the go as opposed to arousal. EL seems to have a problem with having Ana just say that she’s super turned-on or horny, and has to have her use endless metaphors in an attempt to establish the depth of her lust for the man who has just told her he likes he in a harness. Ana mentions how awed she is, and Christian reveals that he prefers soaring-well, gliding to the layperson. No shit, these words are written on the page, and I should know as I’m currently trying to tear it out of the book in annoyance. All these pointless double-meanings and posh words aren’t a way of displaying intelligence, they are a way of displaying a predisposition to pretension-in the cases of both the character and the author. Ana and Christian arrive in Seattle.As he unfastens her seatbelt, for no apparent reason, Grey asks

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t to do. You know that, don’t you?”

Well, where were you last chapter when we had the whole passed-out-drunk-and-stripped naked fiasco? What follows is no less than four paragraphs- almost a whole page- describing what the apartment he’s brought her to looks like, and EL’s obsession with talking about glass continues. This exchange occurs.

“Are you hungry?”

I shake my head. Not for food.”It’s a very big place you have here.”



“It’s big” he agrees, and his eyes glow with amusement, I take another sip of wine.

“Do you play?” I point my chin at the piano.




Benedict isn't even in character as Sherlock here. THAT'S HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE THEIR INNUENDO IS.

Benedict isn’t even in character as Sherlock here. THAT’S HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE THEIR INNUENDO IS.

I really think this is one of the scenes that will work better in the movie, as reading this sucks it desert-dry of the sexual tension and innuendo EL clearly thought it was dripping with. The formatting looks weird, the subject all over the place, and the sheer insignificance and cheesiness of the exchange makes me want to burn a library. In my head, this is just an awkward chat filled with pauses and in-law dinner time-fillers. With Ana unable to take the tension any more, especially after they exchange tidbits about Tess of the D’urbervilles (which is an excellent book that is demaned by it’s mention in these pages). Christian brings out a non disclosure agreement, asking that Ana sign it before they go any further. Aside from paperwork being the singular most sexy thing on earth (I’m doing my taxes right now, and have to take regular breaks to furiously copulate with my harem of lovers), it seems that Ana is far too horny to read anything before she signs it. An intelligent woman in control of her own destiny, ladies and gentlemen!

After explaining that he doesn’t make love, he “fucks…hard” (is it seventies porn o’clock already?), Christian offers to show Ana his playroom. She prances in, unaware that she’s actually just signed her soul in a Faustian deal with the devil and Mephistopholes is waiting within to drag her into hell. The chapter ends with an internal exclamation:

Holy Fuck.




What’s up, party people? Like you’re favourite celebrity coming out round the back to sign autographs, I’m bestowing on you a bunch of links that might be of interest. I’ll be updating the About page with these soon enough, but in case I forget, here they are. Do what you will!

Twitter- this is my twitter feed, where I post a bunch of articles from this site and others, and vent about getting up early, my cat, and politics. Follow away.

The Cutprice Jukebox- This is the sister site to the Guignol, where me and the consort review music- it’s a mixture of older bits and pieces along with a bunch of new bands of various genres, with reviews, retrospectives, and top tens a-plenty. You can like that site on Facebook here for more regular updates, and me being a little bitch about Morrissey.

The Interesting People Project- there’s a blog post about it here, because it’s a lot to explain in a few sentences. My interview heavy labour of love, featuring chats with everyone from David Firth, creator of Salad Fingers, to Vic Mignogna, noted voice actor and generally cool guy.

The Man Place– My dad, who is a much better writer than me, blogs about growing up in the sixties-everything from Action Man to playing soldiers. You can also find his other, more niche blog The Gun Place here, if you’re into learning about air pistols and the way that guns are used in movies from a bearded Aberdonian. My mother sells a fictional ebook about life in the Highlands (the genre of the book is fiction, that is- it does exist) here, and I’m sure we could dredge up a poem my brother wrote for English class one time if you want the full set of my family’s writing.