The Cutprice Guignol

March 11, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Family Guy

This article has been a long time coming. Because I have some fucking strong feelings about Family Guy.

This is a show that I came to with very few preconceptions about; I knew nothing about Seth MacFarlane, and nothing about the show except that it operated in American Dad-style dark humour and that Mila Kunis had something to do with it somewhere. I want to make it clear that I didn’t come to this show already intending to hate it. No, Family Guy earned that on it’s own merits.

I think what fustrates me most about not liking Family Guy is being told by fans that I just don’t “get it”. Look, I do get it. It’s not hard to get. Look, there’s a character saying something outrageous, and it’s funny because we, the audience, understand that that’s an offensive or misinformed viewpoint to hold! Wahoo! Forgive me while I check to see if my sides have split. This isn’t “dark” humour; this is humour that offends me by being so unoffensive. If I want to be offended and shocked to my very core, I’ll read the UKIP mission statement; this is boring in how obvious it’s targets for “satire” (I apologise to the word satire for having to appear in that sentence) are. If you’re trying to offend me- a lily-livered liberal- go ahead and smack me round the face with something really outrageous, something that might actually make me do that awful, shocked bark-laugh I commit to when I’m watching genuinely dark comedy (see: League of Gentlemen). It’s like the writers were putting together the scripts when someone whispered the word “edgy” three streets away. Excuse me while I retire to my fainting couch.

And those few times that Family Guy does actually manage to make a “joke” so offensive that it actually bothers people, there’s nothing funny about it. Offensive humour, if it’s as clever as Family Guy intends to be, needs to properly and brutally satirise a deserving target and not, say, Michael J Fox (stay classy, Seth). An episode about domestic violence- which featured a handful of well-presented good points about the issue- invited the audience to point and laugh at a woman deep in denial about the abusive nature of her relationship, and later featured a scene where said woman was dragged from the room and beaten within earshot. Ho ho, gather round, one and all, and let’s all have a good old hoot at the victims of domestic abuse! A song and dance number featured a line in reference to Terri Schiavo, a woman who was the subject of a lengthy and emotional desicion regarding whether or not to switch her life support off after a heart attack put her in a permanent vegetative state: Terri Schiavo…the most expensive plant you’ll ever see”. In an episode that feature a transgender person, an episode which MacFarlane himself touted as pro-transgender, a character vomits for a straight thirty seconds once they’ve heard that they had sex with a transgender person. Now, arguably, there’s an attempt at satire here, but when several LGBT communities lashed back at MacFarlane for the episode, his response (as a strong advocator of gay rights) was “That surprised me. I don’t meet a lot of stupid homosexuals…Brian happens to be a heterosexual character, as I am. If I found out that I had slept with a transsexual, I might throw up in the same way that a gay guy looks at a vagina and goes, “Oh, my God, that’s disgusting.” It’s just the way we’re biologically wired. They should give that another look.” I admire someone so willing to stand up for their show, but when you produce a episode that you’ve waved about as a good thing for a marginalised group of people, when that group of people says “hey, we thought that was actually pretty offensive”, your first reaction shouldn’t be to talk about how smart homosexuals are (I don’t see how that’s relevant at all in this answer, and I’m not taking it out of context-read the full interview here), and then to explain the joke and say that they should just look at it again until they see the joke. You can’t set out to offend people, then get defensive when they get offended. In the same interview, Macfarlane talks about how he and the writers decide which jokes make it into the show: “Is it smart enough and funny enough that it warrants being as abrasive as it is?” The answer, generally, is a pretty hard no.

But fear not! It’s not as though ALL the humour revolves around being deliberately offensive. No, we get pop culture references. Plenty of those! Sometimes entire music videos crammed into the middle of episodes for no reason other that to fill space, apparently. But the joke ends once the reference is made. It’s like someone running up to you and yelling “A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR…THE EIGHTIES”. The Simpsons mastered the sublime art of the comedic pop culture reference decades ago, with everything from Homer’s mournful desire to watch Sheriff Lobo to Burns hustling his flying monkeys out of the power plant window. You’d think Family Guy might have picked up a few tricks in between blatantly ripping off The Simpsons, but you’d be wrong. These pop culture references often tie in with the endless cutaways, which ultimately serve to prove nothing more than that the Family Guy writers can’t make one story funny, so have to resort to jumping away from it and into something else to get a laugh.

Look, I’m not saying you specifically are an awful person for not liking Family Guy, and I will not hate you on principle for it. Just, for the love of fuck, never tell me that the reason I don’t like it is because I don’t get it. Because presumably the thought of me understanding it and still thinking it’s a pile of steaming crap might be too much for you to handle.

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March 9, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Thirteen

Well, I’m still making some pretence at sticking to the schedule, so here we are again on Monday recapping Fifty Shades. We’re on to chapter thirteen now, and it’s just as unlucky as the previous twelve. We left off with Christian and Ana attemtping to thresh out some deal over the relationship agreement, and the chapter opens with Ana waking up and having to hear about why her mother won’t make it to her graduation. Apparently, her step-father has twisted a ligament or something, but in reality Ana’s mother probably can’t be fucked traipsing all the way up to her daughter’s graduation while she stares moodily off into the distance wondering if Grey’s going to dick her any time soon.

Pictured: a Moody look. GET IT? GET IT?!?!??!?!

Ana recieves an email from Christian, reminding her the meaning of the word submissive and imploring her to bear it in mind for their next meeting even though, hey, Ana still hasn’t agreed to the terms of the contract or to be his submissive! Ana insists on driving, because she apparently needs “a quick getaway”. Honestly, I feel like EL James was trolling the lot of us with this pish, wandering around and telling everyone that no, of course she didn’t write about an abusive relationship, what is everyone talking about, while giggling to herself and rolling about on a pile of money like Ranier Wolfcastle.

Couldn’t find appropriate Wolfcastle gif; after a long and arduous search, this will have to do.

Ana does some packing, then goes to bed before she heads out to work the next day. The boss’ son is there, and follows her about being a total dick because apparently no men that Ana isn’t related to can act in even a vaguely acceptable fashion around the most perfect specimen of human femininity that has ever existed.

“Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.

“No, you don’t. You’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me…”

WAAAA-AAAA–AAAHHH AAAANNNAAA WHHYYY WOOONN’TT YYYOOOUUU TTAAALLLKKK TOO MMEEE WWWWAAAAHHHH

Seriously, can we just have one exchange with a guy who isn’t Christian that doesn’t end with the guy pathetically and creepily hurling himself at Ana’s feet? Just one? Can we? Also, fuck you, Paul, if you think that the only way Ana can weasel herself away from you is by dating someone else. Maybe she has a date because she just, I don’t know, has a date? Not because she’s pulling some elaborate scamola on you? Urgh, this book, I’m telling you. A weight on my soul.

Ana gets ready to meet Christian to negotiate the contract, and thinks to herself ” I don’t wear make-up- it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up” and I get annoyed because Ana is about to graduate with a degree in English Literature and she apparently is still stuck in the Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte phase. When I was studying English at university, the majority of the novels we read were from the past fifty years, so forgive me if I don’t believe that the only women Ana could find to look up to in litreature were from two very easy-to-Sparknotes novels.

Ah, this Kermit gif never fails to fill me with girlish glee.

Ana and Christian meet at the bar of his hotel, and dicuss the contract. Ana briefly grows a backbone as she points out that the contract was legally unenforceable, and asks if he planned to hold it over her head anyway. He doesn’t answer that, and instead insists that relationships with submissives are built on trust and honesty, two things which Christian has earned 100% so far. Oh hang on a second.

Christian discovers that Ana hasn’t eaten (I’m so done with this not eating bullshit; like crap did she forget to eat for a full day and then drink wine on top of that and be a-okay), and decides to take her to his private dining room after Ana suggests that stay on neutral, public ground. Christian asks if she really thinks that would stop him, which begs the questions, stop him from what? Eating? “Oooh yeah, baby, I’m going to eat the shit out of this venison and drink the ever-loving fuck out this wine in front of all these people and there’s NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT”.

Christian tells Ana he’d ordered already, and she’s releived because she doesn’t think she could make any more decisions today. Which is the perfect mindset to be in when negotiating the terms of your BDSM contract, amrite, ladies? And it also begs the question: what the Christ have you been making decisions about so far? I think we need to go in the vein of another literary heroine, and lock Ana in the attic for her own good, because her brain is clearly wasting away like a mound of wet bread.

Whether or not I already had this picture saved to my laptop is neither here nor there.

Their oysters arrive, and Christian tells Ana to tip and swallow, which is hilarious because OMG SHE GAVE HIM A DIRTY BLOWJOB OMG. I misread a line about Christian squirting lemon juice into his own eye and am temporarily thrilled beyond belief. They continue negotiations, and Ana comments on how she’s feeling railroaded. BECAUSE HONESTY AND TRUST. They agree that Ana can eat and sleep what and when she wants, and Grey comments on how he wants to peel her out of her dress. Ana thinks “Sex, his most potent weapon, used against me”, because viewing sex as your partner’s offensive of choice is a healthy way to see your relationship. Just ask EL James, if she can hear you through the fistfuls of twenty-pound notes she has crammed in her ears. Christian has some thoughts on whether they should bone;

“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those desicions, all the wearying thought processes behind them. The “is it the right thing to do Should this happen here? Can it happen now?””

Notice that none of those questions is “do I want to do this?” and hey, once again, ANA HAS NOT AGREED TO BE HIS SUBMISSIVE. That might be something like what sex would be like if they WERE in a BDSM relationship, but they’re not, and Christian is using that to levy Ana into sex to distract her from her apprehension about the contract. It’s a shame in some ways, because if I see Jamie Dornan in the street, I won’t be responsible for my actions, because he’s the closest thing to a living embodiment of Christian Grey that exists and I so, so want to punch Christian straight in his stupid, pretty, rich face.

Anyone else re-watching Dexter to get them through the long, lonely nights…?

Ana decides that she wants to have some space after the intense conversation they’ve had (yay personal agency!) and she actually gets up and leaves. She worries about their future together, and panics about three months of stuff she’s “not sure” she wants to do. She cries in the car all the way home, which marks us up to the third time she’s left a meeting with Christian in tears. At this stage, if the rest of the book isn’t Ana skipping off to follow a post-college career and forgetting about Christian forever, because they’re so poorly matched. Something tells me, however, that this may not be the case.

Pictured: Me, reading this book and knowing I have hundreds of pages of abusive bullshittery to get through yet.

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March 8, 2015

Popjunk Reviews: Fifty Shades of Grey

I take on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, because my lust for masochism knows no bounds.

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March 7, 2015

Your Watchlist for International Women’s Day 2015

Hey, did you know that tomorrow (March 8th) is International Women’s Day? I think that might well be a cause for celebration, so I’ve compiled a list of appropriately feminist TV shows for you to enjoy on my second-favourite Sunday of the year (you’ll never know what takes the top spot, so stop asking). Recommended with ten litres of wine, several cats, and maybe a rampant rabbit or two just strewn about for scenery (because I’ve been re-watching the atrocious Sex and the City, and dildos = empowerment). Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful Women’s Day tomorrow!

1. Transparent- TV Show, availible on Amazon Prime

Ah, Transparent is just straight-up amazing, and a great big fuck you to all the Terfs out there today (that’s trans-exclusionary radical feminists, fact fans). The powerful tale of a family patriarch who becomes a family matriarch (played by the incomparable Jeffery Tambor, of Arrested Development fame), it’s a fantastic and fascinating balance of a whole family and the individual stories that spring from within that family. Taking on gender in all it’s forms, no-one is excluded from proceedings here, with depictions of gender and sexuality open-ended and treated with respect and a very dry sense of humour. There are no dud characters across the whole show, but the leading women are a particular standout because they’re represented as just as flawed and strong as the rest of the cast. Which is basically what feminism is to me.

2. Orphan Black

Side of science fiction with that feminism, sir? This is an odd choice ,because all the female leads are essentially played by one actress, Tatania Maslanay (in fact, I’m being played by Tatania Maslanay right now). And I kind of like that choice-not only does it work in the context of SCARY CLONE NONSENSE, which drives the plot, but it goes to show that there are a number of actresses who can literally do anything, anytime, anywhere, and Tatania Maslanay is amongst them, taking on everything from suburban soccer mom to lesbian biologist to low-level British con artist. This is feminist TV in action both on screen and off, with amazing characters given to amazing performers regardless of gender.

3. Parks and Recreation

For my money, this is pretty much the most outrightly feminist TV show America has produced in years, and that’s almost entirely thanks to Amy Poehler. Both on and off the screen she’s the boss, depicting a woman who’s smart, ambitious, and intelligent, but also romantic, compassionate, and loving, and, above all, fucking hilarious. I can’t bring to mind any other female character on TV who’s been given that kind of leeway in a mainstream American comedy. A flawless cast of slapstick performances make up the backdrop, and, if all else fails, Ron Fucking Swanson.

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March 4, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: The New Avengers Assemble: Age of Ultron Trailer

Yes, I said I’d be using this slot to rip the piss out of/shower praise on new TV shows I’d been watching, but this opportunity was too good to miss: as I sat down to write this, Marvel released a new Avengers Assemble trailer for the May 1st release of Age of Ultron after encouraging Twitter users to tweet using #avengersassemble to unlock the clip (on a side note, it would have been the funniest thing in the entire world if not enough people had tweeted that, and Marvel had been forced to slink into a corner and upload the trailer anyway. Luckily, fanboys/girls exist). So I thought I’d do a real-time reaction review for your reading pleasure? Ready? Let’s begin.

0:02: Appropriate for all audiences? Boring. I wanted to see Hulk dick.

0:12: URGH JAMES SPADER’S VOICE YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES Y-

0:13: Oh, there’s the brilliant Elizabeth Olsen as the Scarlet Witch, and Not Evan Peters as Quiksilver. It was tragic, really, that Aaron Taylor-Johnson had to take on this role, as the post- Kick-Ass careers of both men have proved that Evan Peters can act Tayl0r-Johnson into the ground. His Quiksilver was by far and away the best thing about Days of Future Past.

0:28: While I’m gutted that James Spader isn’t actually on screen for any length of time (and that Paul Bettany is relegated to voicing a computer system), the obligatory trailer shot of the robot switching on and doing something a ROBOT SHOULDN’T DO is actually pretty sick.

0:35: Whenever I see the big boomy explosions shots in superhero movie trailers, I’m always reminded of Homer Simpson lying in bed, pretending to fart and shouting “KERBLAMMO!”. Don’t know why.

0:41: Ah, I like that the Avengers- who certainly don’t have ANY ENEMIES-advertise their headquarters with a massive A on the side of a building. Sneaky wee fuckers.

0:48: Mark Ruffalo’s line reading of “Artificial intelligence” made me cringe. Maybe because I’ve just seen Foxcatcher and know that he’s going to be underused in this movie. Maybe because I forgot he was in it. You don’t know.

0:54: WAAAAAAAY THOR!

0:55: WAAAAY CAPTAIN AMERICA!

0:56: “I’m sick of watching people pay for our mistakes” That’s very generous of you, but this was clearly Tony Stark’s mistake. Or are you talking about the people planning to pay money to see this movie? (ZING)

1:01: I FUCKING KNEW THEY WERE SETTING SCARJO AND THE GRUFFALO UP FOR SOME LOVE ACTION.

1:02: I think someone genuinely owes me money for being right about that.

1:07: Wait up, Wolverine claws?

1:08: WHO CARES THAT SHOT IS AMAZING

1:09: Oh, fuck me, aye, Jeremy Renner’s “in” this movie, isn’t he?

1:16: Quick shot of Thor with no top on because Joss Whedon knows what the fans want, also, luscious fucking locks, whichever Hemsworth you are.

1:17: If you squint just right, you can make out Hawkeye in two consecutive frames!

1:32: QUIPS! QUIPS! QQQQUUUUIIIIPPPPSSSS!

1:42: Thor choke-holding Tony Stark is still less abusive and more sexy than all of Fifty Shades of Grey.

1:49: I am so up for Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Second to Captain America, he’s my favourite. Everything is delivered IN A VERY SERIOUS BELLOW. Also, the hammer is a metaphor for his cock.

1:52: Aw, Black Widow looks sick right there. Might be cool to know some of your backstory, huh? What? Oh, I see. “Never”, you say. Good to know.

1:58: I think part of the problem I’ve always been really bored by The Hulk is because when we see him fighting- which,judging by this trailer, will be a substantial part of the movie- the actor and director are limited in what they can do, say and express when he’s transformed. Also, Bruce Banner isn’t a Norse God, millionaire playboy, Soviet-era spy, or World War II supersoldier. It might have more to do with that, now I think about it.

2:04: Look, I demand that they recut this trailer with the “no strings on me” ending. Because it’s a genuinely excellent line with spine-chilling delivery and one of the only things that unequivocally makes me want to see the film. Also worth noting: Hawkeye had no dialogue, which is precisely 20% more than he will have in the movie.

Overall, I give it a Tickets On The Day, on a scale of prebook to boycott.

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March 3, 2015

Blog Blog Blogging: Updates

Well, I’m sick as that proverbial dog today, so I thought I’d update the blog with a bunch of stuff I’ve been thinking about lately.

Firstly, this blog has been around for well over two and a half years now, and the number of people coming to the blog has gone up inexplicably and hugely over the last month or so: thanks to everyone who’s reading, commenting, or sharing these articles.

Secondly, you might have noticed a “contact me” tab at the top of the page: I mean it. If you want to write for the blog, suggest a TV that’s so amazing/terrible you want to see it reviewed, suggest article ideas, write a rebuttal about why I’m wrong about Fifty Shades of Grey (seriously, I want this so much), just drop me a message or a tweet. I want to write things that you want to read, and being pointed in the write direction never hurts. Doooo ittttt.

Thirdly, in future, I’m going to be sticking to a sort-of schedule to try and regulate the kind of stuff I’m getting up on the blog. Starting this week, Monday will be Fifty Shades Recaps day (God rest my soul), Wednesday will be A Wanker’s Literary Reaction day (where I’ll essentially review whatever crap/amazing thing I’ve been watching this week, because this TV blog doesn’t actually review TV any more), and Friday will just be a general chat day- the next couple of weeks will involve a snarky analysis of the new Thunderbirds reboot, and a look into how self-harm is represented on TV, so expect anything that’s been playing in my brain for the past week. I’ll also try and get a film review done every now and then, and there might occasionally be a rant or grumpy shout about whatever I’ve seen on the news/Twitter this week.

In short: thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the new schedule.

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March 2, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Double Recap: Chapter 11 and 12

Welcome back to another instalment of Fifty Shades of It’s Only BDSM, OMG, You Prude, Do Ur Research XD (amusingly, a couple of weeks ago on Twitter, someone snarled at me to write a damn essay on the abuse in Fifty Shades if I cared so much. FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT). Anyway, we left off with Ana opening the sex contract Christian gave her, and basically the entire chapter is her reading that contract. Shall we begin?

Right off the bat, let’s bear this in mind for later:

“2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due regard for her and her needs, her limits, and her well-being.”

Seriously, bear that the fuck in mind. Anyway, the contract goes on to cover STDs (not allowed, disappointingly), and what Ana would be expected to do as the submissive. Basically, it outlines that be signing the contract, Ana is comitting herself to three months of being Christian’s sub, at which point they’ll negotiate the terms if they intend to continue the relationship. Three months?! But what if she doesn’t like it? What if she wants out? I’m seriously doubting that this fucking contract would hold water in court, y’all.

Essentially, the contract makes for pretty boring reading, but in a lot of ways in does actually outline what a safe, sane, and consensual BDSm relationship consists of: safewords, the discussion of boundaries, and, um, the dictating of how much sleep Ana would be required to have every night and precisely what she’s supposed to eat from a perscribed list of foods. Help me out, BDSM peeps: is this sort of thing normal? I’m pretty well versed in BDSM but I’ve never been in or near a relationship of this intensity, so is the establishment of rules over eating and sleeping the norm or not?

The contract goes on to mention that Ana would be responsible for any “misbehavior” that might cast Christian in an ill light, even though she signed an NDA which means she couldn’t talk about the relationship anyway. She must realize that her behaviour “is a direct reflection on the dominant”, even though no-one but Ana, Christian, and any hapless family members who wander into his house ad nauseum would know about the whole BDSM thing. Urgh. The contract also discusses the fact that Ana will have to go to a trainer four times a week, and commit herself to whatever beauty treatments Christian sees fit. Again: BDSM folks, can you offer comment on this?

And after four pages of that (OOOH YEAH THIS FINE PRINT IS GETTING ME HOT DOWN THERE), we finally get to the stuff about actual sex. Hard limits (things that Christian won’t do, basically) include fireplay, breath play, and anything involving children or animals (if the flat is so small that your cat can hear you while you’re doing it, does that count?). Then the contract goes on to ask what Ana’s into, because the contract is a caring lover that’s interested in Ana’s limits. I’d go to bed with this contract over Christian. They include vaginal and anal fisting, the infliction of pain, bondage, swallowing cum etc. Aw, this isn’t nearly as hardcore as I was expecting!

Now, let’s take a look at Ana’s reaction to all of this. “I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking wouldn’t be so bad; humiliating though…No, no I can’t do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship”.

Ana, honey, serious talk now. It’s okay not to be into the same things the guy you like is into. But this reaction to even reading about BDSM suggests that you’re not into it. You’re not turned on by this. You can’t even consider it. And that’s totally okay. But if your sexual appetites are that different, one of you is going to have to be making massive compromises to make the other person happy, and, let’s face it, it’s going to be you.

She goes and brushes her teeth, and remembers “his body inside mine”, thus reminding us he is a Slitheen

And we have to put up with yet another reference to the muscles “deep, deep down” tugging at her. Does EL James just have a smooth bit of plastic between her legs, or is she just so embarrassed about the thought of writing about female sexual arousal she can’t fucking call anything what it actually is? At this point, I’m pulling for the former.

The next morning, a brand new, not-in-the-shops-yet Macbook arrives for Ana and the delivery man sets it up for her while trying to not blow his load all over the exclusive screen. Seriously, the way this is written, I think I’d like to read the sexual exploits of this way too enthusiastic computer fan and his new Macbook. That shit sounds hot as fuck.

“Most women gets flowers or maybe jewellery” says Kate suggestively”

SHUT UP KATE YOU PUTRID SEACOW. Anyway, Christian and Ana exchange some emails and he says “laters, baby” and the last vestige of my faith in humanity withers up inside me for good. Ana goes to work, and Jose turns up to take her for lunch, and she’s like “you know I could never stay mad at you, friends who repeatedly pushed himself on me after I turned him down!” and I can’t any more. Ana and Christian exchange some more interminable emails in which Christian orders Ana to go to Wikipedia to research BDSM.

Ana ends the unbelievably dull chapter by mentioning that she’s queasy and sick and doesn’t want this kind of stuff in her head, and saying to herself that she needs time to think. You know what, I’m plowing right on with the next chapter because I think that it’s worth putting these two back-to-back just to appreciate what an utter clusterfuck this story is turning into. So, chapter eleven.

Ana goes for a run, and wonders if it was Christian being “seduced” (and certainly not molested!) at such a young age that made him a dominant, because people with sexual fetishes are broken in some way obvs. Ana gets home and is forced to sit through Kate showing Ana what she’s going to be wearing on holiday to Barbados while Ana listens to the white noise in her head. Then- and it’s key you remember this- Ana sends Christian this email.

“Okay, I’ve seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana”

How I read that email. Jesus, Marilyn Monroe was earth-shatteringly beautiful, wasn’t she?

Ana laugh to herself, because she’s made a joke. But all Christian sees is this: this is an email, for all intents and purposes, that’s politely saying that hey, Ana isn’t into the BDSM stuff she’s seen and doesn’t want to see him again. And no, I’m not twisting that out of context- that’s the only thing Ana sends to him. Just that. Ana bemoans the fact that he doesn’t reply, and then gets on with packing up her room. As she’s re-reading the contract, this:

“I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye, I don’t know, but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway to my bedroom, watching me intently. He’s wearing his grey flannel and pants and a white linen shit, gently twirling his car keys. I pull out my earbuds and freeze. Fuck!”

Aside from the fact that this paragrpah sounds like it’s lifted straight out of a horror movie, let’s consider what’s happened here. Ana sent Christian an email that she knows was a joke, but for all intents and purposes is telling him to leave her alone. And what does he do? He turns up uninvited in her room to watch her.

Christian tells her that he thought her email required an in-person response, and sits on her bed. Ana’s thoughts: “I glance around, plotting an escape route”. Because plotting an escape route is exactly how I react to being in the same room as my lover FOR FUCK’S SAKE, HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS IS PROBLEMATIC?!

Christian questions Ana about her email and, before he asks her if it’s okay or if she meant what she said about not wanting to see him again, he’s kissing her and pinning her to the bed. Ana thinks “He wants me…not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen [other submissives], not Mrs Robinson…me”.Yeah, because it’s sooo healthy to take all your self-esteem from a man who’s chosen you over all the other women who totally want to nail him like Kate and her slutty bikinis, that dirty two-dollar whore!

Okay, this passage coming up is one that I’ve wanted to analyse for a while, because it’s a quote that I often see in anti-Fifty Shades memes and suchlike (which are basically providing a national service to all of humanity).

“He bends and starts undoing one of my sneakers. Oh no…no…my feet. No. I’ve just been running.

“No!” I protest, trying to kick him off.

” If you struggle, Miss Steele, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.”

Being privy to Ana’s inner monologue, we know that the reason she doesn’t want Christian to take off her shoes is because her feet are sweaty because she’s been running. But think about what Christian hears in this situation. After receiving an email from Ana telling him she didn’t want to see him any more, he turns up at her house. When he begins to undress her, she explicitly says “no” and tries to kick him away from her. In that situation, you fucking STOP AND ASK IF IT’S OKAY TO CONTINUE. If your partner ever says “no” during sexual activity, you stop immediately and check what’s up. Even if Christian had just stopped for a minute and said “is it just your feet or do you want me to stop altogether?” this scene would be less of an issue. But for all the Fifty Shades defenders reading this: Ana says no, and Christian ignores her, then threatens her. That’s what happens right here. She hasn’t signed the contract, hasn’t agreed to any BDSM, they haven’t discussed boundaries at all (the most we got was Christian asking “trust me?” and Ana nodding), there’s no discussed safewords. If you take Ana’s inner monologue out of it, this is an explicit rape scene, because she said no and he carried on.

Christian goes outside and gets a drink for them both after chatting to Kate while he’s half-naked, because if Ana protests about something Christian’s doing it will bring humiliation on everyone involved, but wandering out of the bedroom with only trousers on and chatting away to the roomate doesn’t give the game away. Christian dribble wine over Ana and- HOLD THE FUCK UP! ANA REFERRED TO HER CLITORIS AS A CLITORIS! AND WE’RE ONLY 194 PAGES INTO THE BOOK! Then there’s this as Christian prepares to fuck Ana and Ana refers to it unfortunately as “his sudden assault” and I’m all-

They come, Ana screams Christian’s name (picture it for a second), and Christian says “I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all”. Which, you know, means that he thought Ana was turning down his sexual advances but proceeded to turn up at her house uninvited and ignore her protests during sex because LOVE. Christian offers to introduce Ana to one of his ex-subs so she can learn from them, and Ana throws him out. Finally. Ana runs into her room and bursts into tears. Kate comes in, and asks why Ana is crying-

“I sent him an email.”

“Asking him to drop by?”

“No, saying I didn’t want to see him any more.”

“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.”

Is it, though? Is it really genius that the man she asked to stay away from her turned up without asking? Ana sends Christian some emails outlining what she is and isn’t willing to consent to on the contract, and I’m impressed that she’s actually negotiating. Instead of addressing any of her issues, Christian tells her to go to bed. Because mixed signals make me wet.

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February 27, 2015

In Two Minds: Bisexuality and Pop Culture

Last year, during the New York Pride Week preparations, three people- Johnathan Groff, Laverne Cox, and Lea Carey- were announced as representatives. And it wasn’t until Faith Cheltenham, prominent bisexual activist, wrote an op-ed and pushed forward a petition that everyone noticed a disturbing oversight- there were no bisexual representatives selected as part of Pride 2014.

And NYC Pride isn’t the only place where bisexuals have found themselves pushed to the sidelines. Earlier this year, the Williams institute released a paper identifying around 1454824 (0.6%) members of the adult population of the USA as bisexual. Despite these numbers, the representation of bisexual people in the media remains at a depressing low.

To clear something up: I’d be trying to be exactly like Catherine Trammel whether or not she was bisexual. Because those LEGS.

While lesbian and gay characters have slowly but surely gained a place amongst the casts of mainstream television shows and in movies, bisexual characters remain thin on the ground. While many characters will find themselves attracted to more than one character throughout the course of their screentime, many will simply identify as gay or straight, as opposed to considering the possibility of bisexuality- take landmark LGBT character Willow Rosenburg from Buffy. Initially shown to be romantically attracted to men, she engages in an important relationship with another woman, and from then on describes herself as a lesbian- even though the admits to still finding men attractive. There’s no problem with her and her partner Tara being gay, but it seems odd that this possibility wasn’t even considered by any characters on the show.

Really, this post is an excuse to have lots of lovely pictures of men kissing men. Incidentally, this was the best and most realistic first kiss Glee has done in it’s entire run so far.

When a prominent gay character on Glee, Blaine, considered the possibility that he might be bisexual after enjoying a kiss with a woman, he is told that “Bisexual is a lie gay guys tell in high school to hold hands with girls in the corridor so they can feel normal for a change” (I wrote a whole, massive article on the biphobia and transphobia Glee was guilty of in it’s early seasons; read it here). Sex and the City, considered a vital part of the definition of the modern sexual woman in the media, had their lead character admitting that she didn’t believe bisexuality even existed, describing it as a “layover on the way to gaytown” when she encountered a bisexual guy. Finding any kind of representation of bisexual characters is difficult enough, when even sex-positive and progressive shows continually wave it away with jokes, mistruths, and shaming.

Fuck you, Bradshaw.

But there are indeed bisexual characters on television. Even bisexual characters who openly call themselves bisexual. But their representation is often problematic. Cult pop culture website TV Tropes- which archives thousands of clichés in film, television, and across other mediums- does a great line in identifying the irritating number of negative platitudes often attached to bisexual characters- promiscuous, evil, manipulative, sociopathic, dishonest, or any combination of the above. Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct played a serial-killing, promiscuous vixen who used sex as a way to get what she wanted, while any number of American teen soaps have female characters indulging in what TV Tropes affectionately refers to as a Sweeps Week Lesbian Kiss to pull in more viewers. And bisexual men are one of the most woefully under-represented groups on television. If they exist at all, it’s often as characters totally removed from anything resembling a modern, vaguely realistic world- take Ragnar Lothbrok from Vikings, the vampire Eric Northman from True Blood, or Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones, all of whom exist in the vacumn of either fantasy or history. Some male bisexual characters do make it through, but they’re rarely too groundbreaking- Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood (below, with loves interest Ianto Jones) is an alien who actually identifies as “omnisexual”, while Frank Underwood from House of Cards is a cruel psychopath. It seems that bisexual characters can either be lavicious fantasies or manipulative sociopaths- and those that do exist as strong, nuanced characters rarely do so in anything resembling our world.

The name for this ship is “Janto Jorkness”, which thrills me almost as much as this sexy as fuck picture.

So, we’ve established that bisexual characters don’t earn great representation in pop culture Why? There’s a term, bierasure, that puts the lack of bisexual representation in the media and beyond down to the fact that they uncomfortably straddle two groups who are often positioned at odds with each other- that is, gay people and straight people. They often find themselves placed outside both groups and treated with suspicion by both- not straight enough to be straight and not gay enough to be gay, they find themselves landed with monikers like “greedy”, “in denial”, or “lying”. That’s why it’s important for the media to reflect the truth of bisexuality-that it does not define anything other than who that particular person is attracted to.

Man, I need to re-watch The L Word.

Too often, bisexuality on TV and in film is shown as a choice, as a dalliance, as a fantasy. It’s the “safe” way to portray gay characters- writers and directors can pat themselves on the back for LGBT representation, and then land their character of choice with a member of the opposite sex and have them forget about that silly phase almost immediately. There’s an apparent reluctance to identify bisexuals as characters who exist outside of their sexuality (The L Word, which featured confidently bisexual character Alice Piezecki, had her describing bisexuality as “gross” by the end of the show),
as people who’s only separation from other characters is the fact that they’re attracted to men and women. The only thing that the label of bisexuality confirms is that the subject is, believe it or not, bisexual- not that they’re more likely to be be evil, promiscous, or cheat on their partners (whatever gender they might be). There’s a temptation to focus on a bisexual character’s sexuality over anything else because so few of them exist on television, but the best thing that the media could do is to create interesting, layered, prominent characters who’s sexuality is an aspect, and not the focus, of their existence

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February 24, 2015

Should Television Have Trigger Warnings?

So, I’ve been catching up on The Walking Dead recently (specifically, to write satirical scripts for this awesome site, which are crazy-fun to write and hopefully slightly entertaining to everyone else, please check it out). And I was watching the second-to-most recent episode yesterday, when a certain scene made me cock my head a little. Without spoiling anything, a character who has suffered a recent loss feels numb, and pushes a lit cigarette into their hand in reasonably graphic detail. My first reaction – after a series of “URGH-WHA-EEUGH-SHHHUU” – was to pause the video and go and play with my cat for a few minutes. Why? Because I found it a little bit triggering. I’ve written about my continuing struggle with self-harm on this blog and, while this scene didn’t actually cause me to do anything untoward, it did make a small bit of my brain to go “hey, we haven’t done that for a while, maybe we should-” until I could shut it up by making my kitten chase after the string on my pocketwatch. And it got me thinking: should TV come with a trigger warning?

I’m filling this post with pictures of adorable kittens to counteract any potentially upsetting material! Look at this wee fucker!

Firstly, what the hell is a trigger warning? Basically, it’s a bit of netiquette that’s arisen for use in online articles, blog posts, and various other outlets to let potential viewers know that what they’re going to see or read might cause them to relive some painful or difficult emotions (the most common are for rape, sexual abuse, depression, suicide, and other mental health problems). In a lot of ways, it makes perfect sense: my Mum doesn’t like really violent films (unless Scorcese directed them), so showing her The Texas Chainsaw Massacre without first telling her that there’s loads of graphic violence in it would probably make her pretty upset (by which I mean, furious). Unfortunately, until there’s a trigger warning for Ben Affleck movies, my needs go unmet, but surely there’s no harm in flagging up topics that some people might not want to think about or be reminded of?

But there are a lot of people who think that trigger warnings actually patronise those who might be upset by the content their watching. And I can see that side too: I’d be really annoyed if someone told me that I shouldn’t watch something because I might find it triggering, because no-one except me has any idea what I find triggering (Christ, the most triggered I’ve ever been was watching an episode of Glee that depicted someone preparing for a suicide attempt, and not their cover of MCR like you might imagine). But I’ve discouraged close friends from watching certain films and TV shows because they reflect things that I know they would rather not be reminded of. There’s a very thin line between dictating what someone can and can’t cope with, and suggesting that certain people avoid certain films, movies, books, or articles because they might put them in a seriously upsetting place that they have no control over.

I just Googled “kittens cute as fuck” and this little charmer came up. Look at his tiny little face! Look at it!

So, where do TV shows fit into all of this? How do you warn people, in this age where spoilers are the ultimate crime, that there might be triggering material in this episode? As most shows that depict graphic rape, self-harm, or in-depth explorations of mental health are aimed at adults, some people argue that those who don’t want to risk getting triggered should either suck it up or avoid these shows altogether. And I can see why: we’re all grown-ups here, and if that means I have to sit in the bathroom and cry for twenty minutes before I carry on with this immensely upsetting episode of American Horror Story, that’s my choice. Nobody is holding me at gunpoint and making me watch this stuff, and, if I find it upsetting, I can always check out and watch something lighter. Watching adult TV means dealing with adult themes, and if those themes- like rape and suicide- are dealt with in a mature, honest, and emotionally resonant way, then I think there would be something a bit wrong with me if I wasn’t a bit discomforted by it.

LOOK AT THIS ONE’S GRUMPY LITTLE FACE I WANT IT I WANT IT SO MUCH

But I think the problem arises from shows which sneak up behind you and spring something potentially disturbing, like The Walking Dead. That might sound ridiculous considering the constant light drizzle of blood spatters and emotional character deaths, but these are things I’ve come to expect from the show having watched it for five seasons (despite a suicide attempt in season two, which-and I hate to admit this- had no affect on me at all because I had no emotional attachment to the character and her motivations so differed from anything I had experienced). I didn’t expect to see a pretty graphic depiction of self-harm thrown at me out of nowhere, committed by a character I like very much and whose reasoning I could relate to, and it triggered me.

So, should television have trigger warnings? It’s a tough question, because there’s a danger of every Hannibal episode starting with a disclaimer that states “DON’T. JUST DON’T”, or otherwise coddling audiences in a way that removes any trust in their own abilities to handle disturbing things in an adult way. But I think that yeah, from time to time, shows that are showing potentially distressing material that’s outwith what they’d normally broadcast could do worse than to give their audiences a chance to prepare themselves and make a decision that they’re comfortable with.

Wonderful; I’ll take a thousand please.

Oh, and this post should probably have come with a trigger warning.

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February 23, 2015

In and Out of the Closet: Bisexuality and Me

This is kind of a weird article for me to write, because a lot of people I know and have known for a long time read this blog, and my sexuality isn’t something I’ve really discussed at length. But I’ve identified as a bisexual since before I knew there was a word for it (and as soon as I realized that no, not all other women want to have sex with other women). There’s been a lot of talk recently about how bisexuals fit into the LGBT community, with bisexual vloggers, bloggers, and various other personalities talking about how they often don’t feel queer enough for the queer community, but are denying part of themselves by playing straight. And don’t get me wrong, I feel that the world could do with switching it’s whole attitude up regarding the way we look at and treat the LGBT+ community. But yeah, I get that “not-queer enough” feeling a lot.

I’ve been out for a long while now, and I’ve never necessarily felt proud about my sexuality. Comfortable in it, yes; grateful that my family and friends couldn’t care less, yes; but proud seems like the wrong word for something that’s inherently a part of me (personal opinion entirely, all power to those LGBT people who do take pride in their gender identity or sexuality). I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my marvellous boyfriend for over two years now, and, whenever the conversation about sexuality or past relationships comes up, I get the head-tilt of “so you’re in an open relationship?” or “haven’t you been dating *insert boyfriend’s name here* for while now?” or, the worst of the worst, “you hooked up with girls? That’s hot” (spectacularly, the first result that comes up if you type “bisexual” into google is “bisexuals don’t exist”, which is a myth I hope to bust by my continuing corporeal form). As an openly and comfortably out bisexual woman, I feel like I’m in and out of the closet, having to justify my sexuality to people by convincing them that my attraction to both genders is legitimate and ongoing because I don’t broadcast my dating history to everyone I meet. I don’t want to feel like I’m playing at being straight or gay depending on who I’m with; I want to be able to be open in my sexuality without justification or qualification.

Dating somebody of one gender doesn’t mean that I’m not still attracted to members of the other. I apologise if this is coming off as whiny or petulant, because these are just things that I’ve had to put up with for the last few years and I’m pretty bored of them and I want to talk about it to see if anyone else feels the same way. And I’m not claiming that these annoyances are in any way equal to the unbelievable discrimination that many members of the LGBT world face every day, but they are an irritation. Because yeah, I do think I’ve had it a lot easier than other non-bisexual members of the LGBT world. But there seems to be a dislike of the idea that, as a grown-ass woman with a flat and a job and a cat and an almost-degree, this might not be a phase, that I might actually, permanently like men and women.

And it’s not that I’ve felt actively pushed away from the LGBT community. It’s just that, until very recently, I didn’t feel like I had a place there, which could be entirely my perception, or my perception of the way I see the LGBT community represented, or something I’ve plucked straight out of the air. I would feel like I was cheating or lying or misrepresenting myself if I turned up to Pride while I was dating a man, even though I identify as that B. Part of me feels like I’m denying some part of my identity by being with my boyfriend, even though I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else- man or woman- right now, because I’m in a straight relationship and, to most of the world, there’s nothing queer about me at all. I don’t want to make my sexuality the only thing that matters about me (I think wearing a friendly “Hey, I’m Bisexual, Ask Me About It!” badge is the best route to go down), or deal with that look of bewilderment and sometimes kind of intrusive questions about my dating history (for the last fucking time, you don’t have to have sex to know your sexuality, so, no, it’s none of your business if I’ve had sex with literally every man and woman who’s every walked the earth). But my sexuality is a big, sometimes confusing, ultimately vital part of who I am as a person, and I don’t like the feeling of having to justify it to people. I don’t like hearing that it was probably phase since I’m dating a guy, or that I was doing it for attention, or that I’m young and might change my mind. Yes, my sexuality is fluid and it might change in the years to come; why can’t you handle the label that I’m choosing to give myself right now? The reactions I get from a number of queer and straight people make me feel like I’m faking it, when I know that I’m not. And that doesn’t anger me or upset me, but it frustrates me.

Because I have amazingly liberal family and friends, I have had it much easier than many members of the LGBT world, and that sometimes makes me feel like I don’t have a right to speak up about the ways I’m treated, and the way I see other bisexual people treated (article will be up later this week about bisexual representation on TV). It’s not a coincidence that so many bisexual/pansexual/queer people are talking about how they don’t feel accepted into the LGBT community or the hetereosexual world, and just because we’re perceived to have it easier doesn’t mean everything is always hunky dory.

I don’t entirely know what point I’m trying to make with this blog post, I just know that these things have been niggling at me for a long while and I needed to word-vomit them out in some semblance of sense. I think what I’m trying to say is that, when you deal with a bisexual person in any circumstance, please don’t question it. This is just a thing that’s part of thousands upon thousands of people, who go about their lives every day comfortable in the knowledge that they like men and women. I’m one of them, maybe you are as well. Maybe you’re someone who straight up doesn’t give a fuck about what sexuality someone is and wouldn’t dream of questioning it and if you are, thank you, I love you a little bit more. But these are things that me and people like me have to deal with on a daily basis, online, in person, in pop culture. The world will be a happier place for bisexuals everywhere if we don’t feel the need to prove our queerness to anyone.

Peace, I’m out. In both senses of the phrase.

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