The Cutprice Guignol

I’ve never been an enormous fan of The X-Files, but I am an enormous fan of getting drunk on cheap red wine and shouting at the TV with my friends while watching The X-Files, a tradition I’ve been upholding for more than three years now. And hey, I do have a small soft spot in my heart for the goofy, earnest, occasionally brilliant show; it brought us the inimitable Gillian Anderson, for one thing, and despite a violently overwrought mythology, it crammed in a lot of great sci-fi and horror. I’m also dating a person who has an “I Want to Believe” poster over his bed, so I have had it inflicted on me perhaps more than I would have otherwise.

And however I felt about the show, I was pretty pleased to hear about the reboot. With just six episodes, it seemed like a chance for the show to tie a neat bow around it’s sprawling mess of a backstory and provide the vaguely satisfying ending that fans had been praying for for over a decade. It might not be groundbreaking television, but it was a chance for some great actors, writers and directors to chill in a well-realized sci-fi world, and I’m all for that.

So, I gathered the appropriate amount wine and friends and curry and watched the two-parter opening. And it was…there, I guess? Even though it was only broadcast last month, I’m genuinely struggling to remember the actual plot of either episode. Magic…children? Right wing internet news host? Um, Scully has an iPhone? Mulder and Scully were there, but the show seemed worn-out, grasping, outdated, even. I was excited when I first heard that fabulously nineties theme tune for the first time, but the show had insisted on bringing creator Chris Carter’s angsty-teenage writing to the present day too.

And honestly, forgettable is about the best accolade I can give to the miniseries run. After one slightly alright comedy episode, the show took a sharp downward turn, generally limiting Scully’s plot to clunky mother issues (Scully’s mum! Scully AS a mum! Scully as a baaad mum!) and having an increasingly bored-looking Duchovny drag himself through rehashes of older, better stories. Even their once-electric chemistry-  twixt the leads the launched a thousand ships-seemed wheezingly belaboured this time around. With only six episodes, the show was positively drowning in it’s old mythology, apparently unwilling to do a serious freak-of-the-week episode (for my money, the best outings of the show’s original run) because they had so much fucking explaining to do. Explaining that couldn’t be done in nine seasons and two movies, apparently. Explaining that even this season left still unfinished.

(This seasons also seemed to be a Fox News viewer’s wet dream, as well- with some pretty cringe-worthy transphobia, a suicide bombing plot that swung between unthinkingly racist and insanely goofy, and a finale that revolved around an anti-vaccination plot. Yes, The X-Files always took on edgy topics of the day, but all of this seemed as if the show had sort of…not bothered catching up with what was actually genuinely controversial and not just crap spouted by hard-right pundits on late-night TV? Anyway, on with the review.)

As ever, the overarching plot for the miniseries could be summed up in this ever-relevant meme:

-a story- though that moniker might be a little grand for what we actually got- that came to a head a few nights ago in the finale. It’s probably on of the most notably bad finales I think I’ve ever seen- not just fustrating, like The Sopranos, or divisive, like How I Met Your Mother- this was just straight-up a bad piece of television. Written as though Chris Carter had made a bet about the number of times he could put “Alien DNA” in a script, plotted with all the subtlety and nuance of swift kick to the genitals and eye-gougingly dull, My Struggle II- an episode title I am certain turned up in an episode of Scrubs at least once- is bad TV to set your watch by.

An hour-long mess than included such jaw-droppingly awful scenes as Scully morphing into a badly-VFX’d alien to underline some point Chris Carter’s catastrophic script was too lazy to get across, Monica Reyes being dragged back into the plot, presumably because Annabeth Gish lost that “Alien DNA” bet with somebody, and, perhaps most gallingly of all, a cliffhanger. Yes, that’s right- with no future episodes confirmed, the episode had the fucking audacity to end on a cliffhanger. And that about sums up my feelings towards this miniseries as a whole, or rather, how Chris Carter’s feelings to it came across.

This miniseries was a piece of wank. And I mean that in the most literal way possible- this was a giddy little circle-jerk for Chris Carter and his kin, or, at least, that’s how it came across. In refusing the answer any real questions fans had about the show’s mythology, dumping a bunch of weirdly politicized plot points into almost every episode, and rounding off with the inkling of a resolution if fans just stick with it for a few more godforsaken episodes, these six episodes seemed more like Chris Carter pandering to himself over listening to his fans. And he’s totally welcome to do that. And I’m totally welcome to call it an embarrassing piece of shit.

The cream of this year’s new Netflix Originals crop.

Yes, I was planning to take a look at Arrow for the second part of my month of various superhero reviews, but when I heard the new Batman vs Superman trailer had dropped, I figured it was as good a time as any to take a little detour down memory lane (I’ve spent many a happy hour reviewing these trailers before) and spend some time with my all-time favourite actors, Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill. Or, you know, rip the violent piss out of a film that’s going to be pushing a six out of ten at best. Let’s get started!

0:02: OOOH THIS IS THE BATMAN TRAILER, COOL! Can’t be worse than Gotham.

0:15: Batman’s wing things look dumb as fuck. I once made a bat Halloween costume by stapling black binbags to the inside of my sleeves to create wings, and that is PRECISELY what they looked like.

0:24: Okay, that’s cool, whatever. But the problem is that that’s (ostensibly, stuntmen aside) Ben Affleck inside that suit. You know, Ben Affleck, everyone’s hot dad! Ben Affleck, he of the pious political thriller! Ben Affleck! BEN AFFLECK! If there’s one man who I just couldn’t take seriously as Batman, it’s this guy. And, like, Michael Cera, I guess. Though that would be hilarious.

0:34: I want you to do something for me, if you’ve got a spare ten minutes. Go away and watch this scene from The Dark Knight (that it’s a Batman film is a mere coincidence; I was just looking for the best superhero action sequences). It’s fucking thrilling, Nolan at his action-auteur best; the lack of music, the brilliant sound design, the fast-paced but coherent plot, all climaxing in that truck dangling in mid-air in silence for a moment that has you genuinely holding your breath; THAT’S an action sequence. And tell me, honestly, does this look better than that? Does it?

0:36: Ah, he did punch his head through a floor though, so alright.

0:44: Ugh, Brucefleck just isn’t working for me. He’s barely got his eyes open in this shot, for God’s sake!

0:56: Pause at that shot for a moment. Isn’t that a wierd shot? Not in a good way or a bad way, just in a “huh” way. I don’t hate it, but I’ve got a horrible feeling it’s going to fall under the same banner as “Superman dissapears into a pile of skulls”  from Man of Steel, ie, someone put Zack Snyder in the corner for a bit.

1:05: “GOD VERSUS MAN”. I mean, you’ve got to fancy the God, don’t you? Not the way I fancy Henry Cavill, you understand, GODDAMMIT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN’T GET DISTRACTED THIS TIME-

1:12: Oh hey, Jesse Eisenberg, thanks for reminding me why I have even a vague interest in this movie!

1:19: Oh good, what Man of Steel was really missing was people talking down to Amy Adams.

1:27: Montage, montage…hold the bus, was that Wonder Woman?!

1:33: Montage, montage, crunchy guitar riff, montage. I’m bored.

1:35: Ugh, I think if Ben Affleck was standing that close to me I’d want to drape a napkin over my shoulder or something. I just…nope.

1:37: EVERYONE SHUT UP WONDER WOMAN’S ABOUT TO GET A LINE

1:46: Of all the directors in all the world to bring Wonder Woman to the big screen, I wish it could have been ANYONE but “abused women in scanty clothes with big guns is EMPOWERMENT!” Zack Snyder. Literally anyone.

1:55: Look, I don’t begrudge superhero movies existing; whatever, have your fun. I begrudge them being nothing but excuses for two testosterone-ridden man-children to punch out the homoerotic urges of the audience, however.

1:57: Jesse Eisenberg looks worse and worse every time I see him, which concerns me. He’s a genuinely superb actor (go watch him in The Double if you don’t believe me), but this movie is already overstuffed as it is. I just don’t think there’s room for him here.

UGH FUCK FINE I’ll see it at the cinema.

It’s been a while since I’ve taken on a bit of themed blogging (RIP Doctor Who recaps, at least till this brutal last term of university is over). And, since I’ve been watching and thoroughly enjoying the almost grotesquely campy Legends of Tomorrow and I recently imbued myself with multi-coloured comic book supervillain hair-

-I figured that I should take a look at some of the other superhero shows currently doing the rounds on TV. There’s plenty to choose from, and I’m open to suggestions, so if there’s something you think I’d utterly adore or totally detest and want to see reviewed here, feel free to comment/tweet/howl to the moon about it till I get it done. I’ll be kicking off this week with Gotham. So, without further ado, let’s get started on February in Tights!

Right, so, when Gotham first came out, it was pretty inescapable. There were ads on the side of buses, for fuck’s sake. And I’ll admit that I was pretty interested. I’ve always liked the character of Jim Gordon, and it’s always fun to get a chance to revel in the extensive and especially fiendish rogue’s gallery that the Batman universe offers. I watched a couple of episodes, lost interest, and didn’t give it much thought till I decided to make it my inaugural post for this month’s blogging.

Now, as a casual comic-book fan, Batman is my favourite superhero. How could he not be? With oodles of angst, cool gadgets, and a slick playboy alter-ego, he’s by far the coolest caped crusader on the block. And that’s partly what Gotham’s appeal was to me and many other fans- a dark, gritty, live-action Batman TV show! Why hasn’t this happened before? HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

But, fuck me, Gotham went wrong. It’s hard for me to convey just how much this show’s continued popularity and critical acclaim (?!?!?!?!) baffles me, because I honestly think Gotham is maybe the worst show to come out of the last few years on TV. And yes, I’m including disasters like Glee and Smash in that list, because while they were terrible, they were at least terrible in a disastrous and occasionally amusing way. Gotham is an endless, nightmarish trudge of a show, a funeral dirge for my interest in the Batman universe. All things admitted, I watched till the end of season one in a sort of horrified daze, so I all my criticism relates to the episodes I have seen.

I swear to God I sometimes don’t notice Ben McKenzie in frame he’s so forgettably bland.

It stars Ben McKenzie as a young Jim Gordon, a police detective in Gotham attempting to keep the city clean while cracking the murder of the Waynes, a homicide that left only their son, Bruce, alive. This offers a problem right off the bat (if you’ll excuse the pun)-what makes Jim Gordon so interesting to me is that he’s a consummate good guy, a man of morals who’s uneasy alliance with the violent vigilantism of Batman gives his character some internal tension. Take that away, and you’ve just got a paper-thin hero archetype patting little Bruce Wayne on the head. And yes, you read that right- this is a Batman series in which Batman is a small, whiny child, one who reaches staggering levels of irritating by the end of the first fucking episode, let alone the first season. I hate ripping on child actors, but is this really the best one they could find for such a pivotal role in the show? I mean, it’s not as if he has much to work of off-Sean Pertwee straining to be Michael Caine as Alfred and falling far, far short, Camren Bicondova, apparently playing a young Catwoman but coming off as more Victorian-era orphan, and Ben McKenzie along with various other Noble Cops boring the audience to suicide.

Waddle off to a better show, Robin Lord Taylor.

The rest of the cast is slightly better, if only because they get to play the infinitely more interesting villains. Robin Lord Taylor as the Penguin is about the only one to come out of the show unscathed, in an edgy and mouthy performance that just vaults passable but looks Oscar-worthy in comparison to the rest of the cast. Jada Pinkett-Smith as Fish Mooney is neither camp enough to be outrageous fun or straight enough to be taken seriously, no matter how hard she tries to get a handle on the character. Nicholas D’Agosto (who will always be “Oh, that guy from Final Destination 5, right?”, no matter how many critically acclaimed shows he features in) as Harvey Dent is…there, I guess? Milo Ventimiglia hits a new career low (which I thought was genuinely impossible after Heroes) in a horrendously bastardised version of Ogre.

Victor Zsasz is also always followed about by two women for literally no reason, because women as props is SO ground-breaking!

And, since I mention it, one of the things that fucks me off about Gotham so much is that it insists on butchering some of Batman’s coolest villains. Take Victor Zsasz, for example, my absolute stone-cold favourite Batman villain of all time- I was pumped beyond belief when I found out he was going to turn up in this series. And what started out as a killer so unhinged there weren’t spaces between the words in his internal monologue winds up on Gotham a….vaguely threatening mob grunt? Ogre, a character driven insane by years of torture at the hands of scientists attempting to find the next stage of human evolution, turns up as a…good-looking sociopath who kills women who don’t meet his standards? To me, at least, these changes are baffling-why the fuck would you make a Batman show about the origins of Batman and his greatest enemies only to completely ignore what they actually are? Why not just create a show all of your own? Well, we know the answer to that question: Batman sells. Even if he’s a kid and the villains are almost all terrible or nonexistent.

Jada Pinkett-Smith is better than this, god-dangit.

So, yes, I guess my biggest problem with Gotham is the fact that it doesn’t feel like a Batman show. That would always have been a risk with a story of this nature, but, in failing to build a convincingly Batman-y world, Gotham transforms into a generic procedural with the Bat-signal blasting from it in an attempt to con in new fans.

So, what should I review next?

So, in the last hour, I discovered that Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat has quit and been replaced by Chris Chibnall. This timeline roughly sums up my reaction.

1. WHAT.
2. WAIT.
3. NO.
4. YES.
5. YES!
6. Oh my God, it’s finally over. There are no comaparisons to make to my relief that wouldn’t be offensively hyperbolic and also entirely accurate.
7. If someone is fucking with me on this, I honestly and very literally cannot be held responsible for my actions.
8. I’m already feeling a little bit melancholy about it, because I’ve written so many terrible things about Steven Moffat’s tenure on the show over the years that I’m worried I’ve hurt his feelings. I STILL LOVE THE EMPTY CHILD STEVEN.
9. Not that melancholy though. I’m pouring myself a glass of wine and going through the Twitter reactions.
10. Huh, guess I should check what else Chris Chibnall has written. To Wikipedia!
11. Broadchurch- good. Some of the last season of Torchwood- concerning. Some of the early seasons of Torchwood-encouraging.
12. I don’t recognise the names of any of his Doctor Who episodes and it’s causing me something of an identity crisis.
13. Oh yeah, those episodes. About the things. And stuff. All of them are bad to okay.
14. That’s probably not a good sign.
15. But if Steven Moffat wrote great standalone episodes under other showrunners and had a pretty terrible tenure showrunning himself, maybe that means Chris Chibnall will have a great run? Maybe that’s how this works?
16. Oh, I have to wait till 2018 to find out anyway. That’s so far in the future that I’ll probably be dead, or at the very least living in Glasgow.
17. Apparently Steven Moffat is spending a full year building up to his epic final season, and frankly this worries me deeply. I mean, if he thought season nine- in all it’s violently awful glory-was epic, I am sort of grotesquely looking forward to the note he sends himself out on.
18. A chorus line of high-kicking Osgoods and Weeping Angels, no doubt. Nah, that might actually be fun.
19. But I’m getting distracted! Time to lull in my warm bubble of happiness for a few days.
20. And re-watch all of series nine. Just to remind myself that while things might not get better, they surely can’t get worse.

So, I’ve been away for a while- but when I saw that the new Suicide Squad trailer was getting released last night, I couldn’t resist the chance to take it apart. So, without further ado, let’s take a look at DC’s next potentially catastrophic entry into their canon.

0:01: HOLD THE FUCK UP IS THAT BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY?! This is already off to a bad start. The last trailer had fantastic music, but Bohemian Rhapsody is kind of like the bread and butter of epic music; you clearly haven’t put yourself out to come up with it. And this is coming from someone who loves Queen.

0:06: WILL SMITH YUS. I am completely ambivalent towards every single other actor, particularly we-really-wanted-Tom-Hardy Joel Kinnamen.

0:22:  Amanda Waller is such a slammingly good role for Viola Davis, a woman who I can literally never grow tired of watching. In fact, she might be the tipping point reason for me actually seeing this damn movie. I’ll make a note on my ticket that I’m ONLY seeing it for her, though, and not because I thought Jared Leto looked just too good to miss.

0:35: I still really like Will Smith, god-dangit. I have a fond hangover from Men in Black that will never die.

0:47: This guy listing off the special abilities of the movie’s leading characters sounds like he’s reading back a takeaway order over the phone. Is this deliberate? Either way, it’s shite.

0:50: I HAVE CARA DELEVIGNE RUMMY, REPEAT, I HAVE DELEVIGNE RUMMY! I wonder if she’s going to get a line in this trailer?

1:02: Jesus Christ, is that the best line reading they had for Harley Quinn? That is not good news. I’ve never much rated Margot Robbie as an actress, but I had to look away from the screen for a few seconds there to spare us both the embarrassment.

1:11: Oh, some actual action sequences! That makes a nice change from last time.

1:22: Aaaand we have Joker, repeat, we have Joker. I mean, Jared Leto was sort of doomed from the start with this role, but every time I see him he looks like a too-serious cosplayer who’s spent a little too long poring over The Killing Joke and doesn’t like it when people laugh at his best Joker impression.

1:25: CARA DEVELIGNE GOT A LINE! It was terrible and reminded me that when you cram a movie top to bottom with outrageous comic book villains it’s probably going to turn into a giant, gloopy, earnest mess, but she got a line!

1:30: Oop, and there goes Katana, winning the Hawkeye award for “Oh, shit, you’re in this movie too, aren’t you?”.

1:39: Fuck’s sake, is that Harley Quinn in the strip club from the last trailer again? Let me guess, part of their evil scheme will require Margot Robbie to squirm about on a stripper’s pole because there’s just NO WAY TO AVOID IT, THE PLOT REQUIRES IT TO HAPPEN, WHY AREN’T WOMEN ALLOWED TO BE MINDLESSLY OBJECTIFIED AND SIDELINED OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN THIS GENRE WITHOUT SOMEONE BITCHING ABOUT IT GOD.

1:42: What fucking tone are they actually going for with this movie? The first trailer was gratifyingly dark and edgy, and then this one has people in panda suits and what amounts to Comic Sans font announcing them the “Worst Heroes Ever.”

1:50: Thing is with Will Smith, is that he can make a shitty movie at least fun (see: Independence Day), and every shot of him in this trailer makes me believe he’s going to do it here. Whether him and Viola Davis can withstand the deluge of awful that is Jared Leto’s Joker and Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn stands to be seen, though.

2:03: MONTAGE! This all looks passable.

2:12: Oh Jesus fucking Christ, I get that DC are trying to pounce on the space left open by Marvel’s complete lack of female superhero-fronted movies, and I’m fine with that (the Wonder Woman footage released alongside this looks very decent), but is Margot Robbie really the person they’re leaning on to carry it? Because every time she opens her mouth, she gets even worse. And can someone give her a pair of trousers?

2:27: Oh yeah, Zack Snyder’s executive producing this movie. That’s why Harley Quinn can’t have clothes. Because abused women dressed all scanty and shooting guns is empowerment, right, Zack? (I’ll never forgive him for Sucker Punch).

2:31: Bleh. That looked both excellent and horrifyingly awful, with far more of the latter for my liking.