The Cutprice Guignol

So here we are: the end. Yes, it’s the final chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey, and my last recap on the topic of EL James’ soul-destroying series. I started these recaps over a year ago, and I wondered, in the few weeks leading up to this moment, if I would miss my weekly adventures into serial abuse, coercion, and bad sex. And, much as I’ll miss all the awesome readers who came along on this journey with me, the answer is no. I’ll be officially evicting Fifty Shades from my bedside table, and putting it in it’s rightful place: the back of the bookshelf, where no-one can ever find it. It’s where every copy of this book belongs.

When I started this book, I was living in a shared flat, distantly out of town, and just halfway through my university career. Now, I’ve got my own place, a job where I get to write porn all day, and a cat of my own- as well as an ordinary degree. My life has improved drastically over the course of these recaps, but that had nothing to do with EL James’ talent.

Let me make one thing clear here: my opinion of the book has not changed in the course of doing this recap. This is a piece of thinly-veiled plagiarism, written with an embarrassing lack of flair, that glorifies and romanticises abuse because the author is too stubborn or too stupid to acknowledge that it’s there. The writing is dire, but the message is worse and, while there seems to be a stronger backlash against the books than way I started, a new instalment to the series was released and we’ve got another two movies to come yet. This cultural behemoth doesn’t stop going, and that’s powerfully depressing. The best we can do is to keep talking about it, keep pointing out the dangerous messages it sends to both women and men, and force EL James and her defenders to admit to the fact that they’re part of a culture that victimises and blames women for their abuse, while telling men that this kind of treatment is expected and desired.

Okay. Come on. One more time.

Chapter twenty-six opens with Ana waking up to Christian playing the piano, and it’s exactly the same as when this scene was in this book before. Remember?

Christian is moody and bitchy, etc, and Ana wants to know why he’s not asleep. Well, that’s because some dick is playing piano in the middle of the night and keeping everyone awake. Tosser. Christian decides he wants to fuck, and Ana suggests that they talk instead, to which he’s like “LOL no I like my idea better.” I’ve said it once, but I’ll say it again: sexual agency, who needs it?

Ana says she needs some things straightening out, and he asks what needs straightening. She replies that the two of them do. Sorry if I’m wrong, but the two of you seem like the most stereotypically fucking straight people in the world. Hey, we even get that latent homophobia that comes through later in the series, and in Christian’s POV! So no, you guys don’t need “straightening out.” Unless it’s on a rack. That I get to adjust.

Muppet Treasure Island is one of my all-time favourite movies.

She asks about the contract, and he’s says that it’s moot. Well, he says that, and then this happens:

“”So let me be clear. You want me to follow the Rules electment of the contract all the time but not the rest of the contract?”

“Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the Rules- all the time. Then I know you’ll be safe, and I can have you any time I wish.””

This gif is the only clue regarding my next set of recaps.

So- wait, what? I went back to look at the Rules section (I’m pretty sure they’re all rules, but okay), and that involved control over her food, her clothes, her exercise routine, her personal hygiene habits and her “obedience”- ie, her consent to do anything, whenever he wants it, without questions. So…just all the stuff that she objected to? What the fuck even is this? Some kind of joke? The contract is still in play, she just hasn’t actually signed it so EL James can give her SOME semblance of personal autonomy? Does EL James even know what she wrote in her OWN DAMN BOOK?!

Oh, except they score food off the list now, so I guess that means everything’s different? Even though Christian will try to control what she eats within four chapters of the next book. Ana rolls her eyes, and Christian’s erection just about explodes out of his pants as he tells her that he has to spank her now. He doesn’t ask for her consent, even are she tells him that he’ll “have to catch” her first, and runs away. Because someone trying to escape you is exactly what enthusiastic consent is, right, EL?

She tells him that she has no intention of letting him catch her, and he just tells her that it’ll be “worse” when he does catch her. Seriously, I think this is supposed to read as playful, because Ana refers to herself as a child (boke) during this sequence, but it’s gross, because he doesn’t give a shit if she’s playing or not. He wants to spank her, so he will. He says it seems like she doesn’t want him to do it, and she replies:

“I don’t. That’s the point. I feel about punishment the same way you feel about touching.”

And, well, that just puts Christian in his place, doesn’t it? He gets all sad and ashen, and Ana immediately backtracks in her head, scolding herself with “it can’t be that bad, can it?”. He asks if she really hates it that much, and she’s like “I feel ambivalent about it. I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it.” Which…is not how you’ve felt for the rest of the book. Once again, has EL even aware of events that happened earlier in the story? Where Ana cried her eyes out because Christian “assaulted” her? Where Ana thought about their BDSM encounters as a matter of survival? Thank fuck there’s only a few pages left. Thank FUCK. Because this shit is so painfully inconsistent, so stupidly badly put-together, that sometimes I just want to give up writing forever and kill myself. If this is what people want, I will never be able to do this to them, because I was raised on the old-school, out-of-date methods like “character consistency” and “a coherent plot.”

Ana tells him that she’s worried that he’ll hurt her, and that she does the BDSM for him. Now, if Christian were a good dom, this would be a huge red flag- the only reason anyone should be doing BDSM is for themselves, and someone- especially someone as romantically and sexually inexperienced as Ana- admitting that she does it for him is a no-no. But, of course, Christian ignores that, and tells her that he needs it, but he can’t tell her why he needs it, because he’s a needy fourteen-year-old emo kid whose trying to write Fall Out Boy lyrics, I presume. He kisses her, and begs her to stay, telling her that she said she would in her sleep so she can’t go back on her word. See above re: needy emo kid. Speaking of:

I don’t give a shit about trying to make these gifs relevant anymore, I’m in too deep and I just want to look at Gerard Way. Also, Ellie: this is for you, for reading these recaps from the start. You’re the REAL hero.

Ana wants to make him happy, so she tells him to show her how bad it can get. If her comments about doing it for Christian weren’t worrying enough, this is ANOTHER big red flag that Ana is not in an emotionally healthy place to be doing BDSM with Christian. She believes that it’s the only way to save their relationship, which she believes is the only way to keep him happy, which is the only thing she cares about, which is a super, super unhealthy way to live. She’s just told him outright that she wants to push her limits, but not in a fun, sexy way, only because she wants to satisfy his need. She LITERALLY JUST SAID that BDSM didn’t fulfill anything in her, and yet he STILL thinks this is a good idea. There are a lot of people who will use the fact that Ana didn’t use the safeword as “proof” Christian didn’t know what emotional damage he was inflicting, but there were hundreds of signifiers leading up to that moment that any dom- hell, any decent person- would see as a red flag coming from their sexual partner. Heads up, folks: if the person you’re sleeping with tells you over and over again that they’re only doing certain acts because you like them, and that they actively dislike them and feel bad doing them, DON’T DO THOSE THINGS. DON’T. DO. THEM.

Moriarty: still a more considerate lover than Christian. Probably.

Christian takes her to the playroom, and bends her over a bench thingy. And then he gets a belt. Hold up, a fucking belt? Of all the things to hit her with, that seems particularly painful, especially after she’s said over and over how much she only does this for him. Then he starts to hit her. Let’s pick some choice segments from this upcoming bit, shall we?

“I desperately scrabble around my psyche looking for internal strength.”

“Tears spring unwelcome to my eyes…he’s not holding anything back.”

“The belt bites me again, and tears are streaming down my face.”

“My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and I think I hate him.”

Legit reaction to this page.

Do these sound like the thoughts of someone having a fulfilling sexual experience? No. As anyone who’d been paying any fucking attention to her previous reactions, she doesn’t like being hit, and beating her with a belt isn’t going to change that. And Christian, once again, should be reading her reactions- she’s crying, she can barely talk, and when she does, she describes it as a “scream”. These should be tip-offs that get him to check in and see if she’s doing okay, even if she hasn’t used the safeword. I don’t think I should have to explain that, if your partner is weeping openly because you’re involving them in your fetish, maybe fucking don’t.

NOW THERE’S A FIFTY SHADES FANFICTION THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE

Ana storms off, and thinks about how Christian tried to warn her about this- about how he wasn’t normal, because BDSM is a sympton of being mentally unwell, right? She thinks about how she never wants him to hit her like that again, and refers to him as “Fifty Shades” twice in a page, which would make me laugh if my mouth were not set into a hard line. Christian comes through, and apologises for hurting her, and she replies, I swear, “I asked for it.” Because, as we all know, if a man has coerced a woman into doing what he likes with NDAs and abuse and contracts and the withholding of emotional intimacy, and she finally agrees to do it so she can please him, it’s her fault and not his.

So they talk, and Christian says they should break up, and Ana loses her ever-loving shit, referring to it as an “unfolding tragedy”. Remember how they’ve been dating, like three weeks? Yeah. Her world is now “sterile ashes”, all her hopes and dreams “cruelly dashed”, because Ana never wanted anything more than to be trapped in an abusive relationship with a slightly kinky billionaire, right?

Ana collects her things, thinks how hot Christian is again, and then…IT’S OVER! SHE’S GONE! THE BOOK IS DONE! SHE LEAVES THE APARTMENT AND, IN MY HEAD, REMAINS BROKEN UP FROM HIM FOREVER HURRAH!

Fuck everything.

Thank you to everyone who’s joined me for these recaps- you can read them all from the start in the blog directory, above. Despite the awfulness, it’s been a lot of fun, and I’m looking forward to starting my next recapping adventure with you all.

Oh God, dear readers. The second-last chapter. Prepare your champagne and party hats: the end is almost here. And I’m going to need you when this is over. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if that light is a copy of Fifty Shades Darker holding a torch.

FREEZEFRAME!

Chapter twenty-five opens with Ana saying goodbye to her mum and her stepdad at the airport, where Ana’s mother spews a series of sentences that would sound okay by themselves, but read kind of creepy one after the other.

“Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.”

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the dying ramblings of a malfunctioning mum-bot who’s about to murder her human charge to me. Ana gets on the plane, and thinks about how Christian’s mother didn’t love him (because drug addicts sign away their capacity for love when they first spark up, apparently), then thinks how she “needs Christian Grey to love [her]”. And yeah, falling in love is often intense, that statement is grim when put next to Christian’s horrible push-pull of abuse. She thinks about how wrong the sex Christian had with his mother’s friend was, but because of the BDSM and not because of the, y’know, statutory rape. Oh, EL, how I will desperately not miss these recaps when they’re over. Anyone who wants my copy of the book (full disclosure: I once used it to put out a dropped cigarette end so there’s a burn on the front cover) when this is done is welcome to it. No, seriously.

You know, despite my love for Brad Pitt, Greek mythology, and handsome men in scanty armour, I’ve never seen this movie.

Christian and Ana email some more, and she thinks that he sounds tetchy, not like his normal “witty, pithy” self. Name one time in these books when he has been those things. One. Time.

Ana arrives back in Whereversville, and Christian’s bodyguard Taylor is there to pick her up. Ana internally scandalizes herself by remembering that he once bought her underwear. That time Christian took her back to his while she was unconscious, remember? According to Taylor, “the situation” is what’s keeping Christian busy. Ana rides up to Christian’s apartment in the lift, and “a thousand butterflies stretch their wings and flutter erratically in my stomach”, because EL James wants you to know she understands how metaphors work. I wish there were actually bugs inside Ana, and she was being ripped apart from the outside as she tried to complete a task against the clock.

+10 Saw reference!

Ana arrives in his apartment, and Christian kisses her, and words like “painfully”, “alarming,” and “What the hell?” appear in her inner monologue. Hot. They fuck in the shower, and it’s utterly unsexy and the writing contains gems like “the invading, punishing, heavenly sensation”, which is kind of how I imagine eating a giant hotdog would feel.

Ana tells him that she’s got a job, and he asks her where. When she’s reluctant to answer, he replies “I wouldn’t dream of interfering with your career.” Spoiler alert: he buys the company she works for. Against her will. Christian wants to shower Ana, and this occurs:

“The water is practically scalding. Christian grins down at me as the water cascades over him.

“It’s only a little hot water.”

And actually he’s right. It feels heavenly […]”

I LIKE SERIES THREE OF MISFITS GOSHDARNIT

Now THAT’s a logical disconnect. The water is too hot, until Christian decides that it’s fine. Man, this is some creepy codependent shit right here. And now I have the image of them shitting codependently. Eugh. They fuck again, but there’s a section break before we actually get to the nasty bits. Cut to them at the breakfast bar, confusingly having just finished dinner. Christian tells her that he wants to take her to the playroom, and that he’s purchased clothes for her and he doesn’t want to hear any complaints about it. Remember when they were discussing the contract, and Ana was like” The thought of your buying me clothes makes me feel like a prostitute, and I don’t like it?” Guess who gives no fucks about that?

She goes to look at the clothes, then the chapter jumps to her, naked except for her underwear, in the playroom. So…all this talk of clothes had nothing to do with what he wanted her to wear in the playroom, and everything to do with wanting to control what she wore in her day-to-day life? Remember how there are still people arguing that Christian is a great dominant? Yeah. Because a lot of the stuff Ana objected to- the clothes, controlling what she eats, and not getting enough space- has been steamrollered over, explicitly or implicitly.

Christian stalks around a bit, and Ana thinks about how hot he is yada yada. Christians reminds her of her safewords, and she thinks “what has he got planned that I need safewords?” To which the answer is: BDSM. Most BDSM has safewords, in case the sub wants to stop the scene for any reason, including emotional or physical strain. He puts headphones on her, and she hopes he isn’t going to put on rap music. I’m taking suggestions for the best rap music to fuck to, because that’s a music-themed fanfic I WILL write.

You’ve seen everything in this scene before; there’s nuzzling, pigtails, murmuring, breathing on skin, etc. My favourite bit comes as Christian is doing some mild sensation play by moving a whip across Ana’s skin, and then says, “Most of the fear is in your mind.”

Christian touches Ana with various fabrics while he plays her a choral hymn (why tho), and Ana thinks about what a “dark carnal” place she’s entered. This is about as fucking dark as Teletubbies. He starts licking her, and his tongue arrives at “the junction of [her] thighs.” Which means he’s performing cunninlingus, for anyone who’s not mortally afraid of sex. They fuck, and every other sentences is followed by an ellipses so it just reads as Ana having a heart attack as Christian pounds her. They finish, and Ana asks what music she was listening to. It was a Thomas Tallis piece, and you can listen to it here:

Lovely, isn’t it? Thought not really the beat for fucking to, I’d think. They laugh about how Ana said she’d never leave in her sleep, and how they’re both bad joke-tellers, which I can fucking attest to. Christian decides than Ana is hiding something, and resolves to beat it out of her. And that’s it- the last Fifty Shades review will be up later this week, a post that will also contain details of my next recapping adventure! Stay tuned, folks- we can do this.

Well, we’re back, for another installment of Fifty Shades of Grey wherein the recapper has to continually remind herself that a new book in this series will be out in a mere two days time. This also means that the recapper will be absolutely mashed off her tits and listening to The Magnetic Fields all the way through writing this, if she’s got any choice in the matter.

And she does. 

(this recapper would also like you to know that she’ll be creating a list of great eroticas that aren’t Fifty Shades of Grey on June 18th, to commiserate the release of the next Fifty Shades book, so swing by for that if you’d like some suggestions for some real literary sexiness)

So the chapter swings into action with Ana emailing Christian to tell him that she got a nice massage thanks to him upgrading her to first class against her will. Christian demands to know who’s been massaging her, and she tells him that it was a “pleasant young man” so he’ll be jealous. Christ on a fucking tricycle, do these two ever just communicate like normal people? The answer is, of course, no, as Ana ignores the flight attendant’s request that she shut off her laptop and reads another email from Christian, wherein he threatens to throw her, bound and gagged, in the cargo hold next time she makes such a remark. Ana has some internal monologue;

“Holy crap. That’s the problem with Christian’s humor- I can never be sure if he’s joking or if he’s seriously angry.”

I don’t know who he is, but this man is a very attractive one, and I am treating myself this evening.

Yeah, so, imagine your close friend comes to you and says “hey, so, I have this new partner who’s super rich and powerful to the point that people probably won’t question a whole lot of what he does, and he threatened me with physical violence and coercion and I can’t tell if he’s kidding or not.” Most people would implore them to leave that relationship immediately for their own safety; EL James wrote a fucking romance novel about it.

Ana goes to sleep, after emailing Christian to tell him that she doesn’t know if he’s joking or not, and apologising for making him mad because he upgraded her ticket to first class and that’s her fault, of course (fuck everything). He replies, with “two-palms twitching CEO” at the bottom of his email. Aside from the whole, y’know, non-consensual beating part, just imagine someone who’s palms twitched uncontrollably at random intervals. Again, EL James chose to write a romance novel about the guy with the spastic fucking hands.

Ana sends Christian a stupidly long email (seriously, most of this chapter is just email exchanges between the two of them, because the thought of opening my Gmail on an internal flight makes me want to spend an hour with my Happy Drawer), and let’s take a look at some choice sentences, and see how they match up with that super-fun abusive relationship red flag system we had a look at a few chapters back:

“You know how much I dislike you spending money on me. Yes, you’re very rich, but it still makes me very uncomfortable, like you’re paying me for sex.”

Does your partner see you as property or a sex object, rather than a person?

“I did enjoy the massage from Jean-Paul…he was very gay…but as usual you overreact”

Does your partner act excessively jealous and possessive?

“You can’t write things like that to me- bound and gagged in a crate. (Were you serious or was that a joke?). That scares me…you scare me.”

Does your partner hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

“I’m curious, but I’m also scared you’ll hurt me- physically and emotionally.”

Do you feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

“You were right when you said I didn’t have a submissive bone in my body”

Do you feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

This. This shit. I can’t.

But you’re right, EL James, there’s NOTHING in this book that might imply to the casual onlooker that this is an abusive relationship. Ana consoles herself when he doesn’t reply, thinking that it’s five in the morning in Seattle so he’s probably asleep. She hopes that he’s not playing “mournful laments” on his piano, and I shout “OF COURSE HE’S NOT, BECAUSE HE ONLY DOES THAT WHEN HE NEEDS YOU TO KNOW HOW BEAUTIFULLY DAMAGED HE IS YOU FUCKING IMBECILE”. Incidentally, some of the wine appears to have evaporated in the heat, because there’s no way I could have had that much already.

Ana meets her mum and her stepdad Bob at the airport, and the women both head to the beach, where Ana’s mum-who has yet to materialise a name- is wearing a giant hat. I like this woman. I like her a lot. Ana talks to her mum about Christian, because God forbid this book have anything in it but pointless ramblings about the only man to earn the title of “irritating” before “abusive”;. Ana’s mum just tells her to take everything he said literally, and Ana conveniently forgets that bit where he said he was going to bind and gag her and instead focuses on stuff like “you’ve bewitched me” and “I don’t want to lose you.” Because yeah, those are phrases which really leave you puzzling over whether or not a guy likes you.

Ana’s mum gets weepy thinking about Ana’s dead father, but Ana is too busy thinking about how Christian’s moods have NOTHING on her dead father, and the fact that her mother is obviously feeling emotional about that subject mean that they should forget about it and never reference it in the whole length of the trilogy again. Because filling out a character’s background is dumb. This writing makes me want to do a Bernard Black on this book. I’m not sure quite what that means, but I’m sure it would look a little like this.

Ana finally gets a response from Christian. Let’s take this piece by piece, shall we?

“Yes, I’m rich. Get used to it…isn’t that what boyfriends do? As your Dom, I would expect you to accept whatever I spend on you with no argument.”

But Christian, as you’ve made clear, it’s literally impossible to be her Dom AND her boyfriend-

-so which relationship are you going to use to emotionally twist her arm with this time? Will it be as her boyfriend, because she’s never had a romantic relationship before and clearly has strong feelings for you that she doesn’t know how to work through? Or will it be as her Dom, because she’s naive about what that kind of relationship would entail and therefore easy to manipulate? Oh, desicions, desicions.

He then goes on to say that she has all the power, and that he can’t touch her if she says no, ignoring those times that she’s said no and he’s carried on. He says that he’s in awe of her, etc, etc, and that he needs to earn her trust, and he should do that by FOR SURE not giving her the space she requested and flying cross-country to stalk her  see her. OOPS SPOILERS!

Ana’s mum wakes her up (still no name), and finds Ana hugging the laptop like a little bitch (note: this is not how the text describes it). Ana gets ready to go for dinner, and her and Christian email interminably back and forth about how she’s rolling her eyes, and her behind is safe for now (haha remember when she was left weeping and distraught the last time Christian spanked her? HAHA). Christian asks if she wants him to zip her dress, and she replies that she would rather he unzipped it. He responds with an all caps “SO WOULD I”, which made me laugh out loud, because I had the image of his erection taking control of the keyboard and insisting on excited all-caps.

Ana signs off “Laters, baby”, and Christian emails her back with the subject line “plagiarism”, and I’m like, damn, risky move EL, considering you plagiarised every ounce of this book from Stephanie Meyer. Remember that? You should remember that, EL, doubly so now that you’re ripping off every singular ounce of her career to date.

Christian says that he’s off for dinner with an old friend, who Ana assumes to be Mrs Robison, ie, his molestor, a word that EL finally uses in the text. Ana goes into a jealous rage, and this chapter is NEVER OVER.

Ana and her mother go out for cocktails, and Ana’s mother-again-delivers some meaningless generalisations about men wanting action and not understanding that women just want someone to listen to them, silly bitches, and then OMG CHRISTIAN IS IN THE BAR WITH THEM!

Hold on to your tampons, folks, because next chapter is the infamous period sex scene.

My exam are done, my summer begins, and everyone will be delighted to hear I have a good few months to just rant about Fifty Shades of Grey and shitty movie trailers on this blog. We left off in the last chapter with-Oh wait, shit, yes, I needed to link this first:

But yes, we left off in the last chapter with Ana and Christian were off to visit the rest of the Cullens- oops, I mean Christian’s family. Christian wakes Ana, and tells her that they’re leaving in half and hour, at which point Ana realizes he’s still in possession of her underwear from the last chapter.

Ana thinks she’s being super sexy and dirty by not asking for her underwear back but, mate, you’re meeting his folks. Maybe, y’know, wear underwear? Ana finds a glass of cranberry juice Christian left her, so at least he understands how to battle off the bane of the world that is a UTI. Who ever said this blog doesn’t teach anyone anything, eh, Heisenberg?

She gets dressed, they dance and it’s graceful and carefree and all the other adjectives I’ve heard ten thousand times already to describe Christian, and they’re off. Ana notices Christian has gone all broody (read: he’s throwing a tantrum), and Ana asks him where he learned to dance, and my Rent sense were tingling:

For the one person that gets this joke, thank you.

Christian says he’s thinking about Mrs Robinson, and Ana once again strops that the woman who molested her partner “got the best of him”, because Ana is a compassionate and kind human being, or so I keep being told by the peripheray characters in this book. She’s refers to her “irrational anger and jealousy” over Mrs Robinson, and Ana, sweetie, only one of the emotions is irrational.

Hey, you remember that last chapter were Christian acknowledged that Ana didn’t like pain?

“”Why did you use a cable tie?”

He grins at me.

“It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s something different for you to feel and experience, I know they’re quite brutal, and I do like that in a training device.””

Brutal. Yeah, brutal is not a word I generally associate with being painless. Unless I’m talking about the various epic burns I dish out during the course of the day, that may not be physically painful but sure shatter the ego. They arrive at his parents house, and his parents are wonderful and charming and his little sister is loud and gorgeous, and then head through to be with Elliot, who’s bought Kate along. Not that putrid seacow! Ana says she’s surprised by how much affection is headed her way, and I’m not particularly surprised considering she can barely mask her contempt for every person she comes into contact with.

I spent a long time finding the perfect gif to go here, and I think this is it.

Ana mentions that she’s planning on visiting her mother in Georgia, and realizes she hasn’t told Christian about it. Within a page of her mentioning her trip, she’s referenced his anger three times, before he tells her that he’s mad at her. “Palm-twitchingly” mad. Here’s something: Ana and Christian have no formal arrangement about BDSM. They have engaged what amounts to some sensation play, because Ana has said-and Christian ackowledged- the fact that Ana doesn’t really like pain. And, because Ana has thought about a trip away without talking to the man who isn’t even her  boyfriend about it, he’s “palm-twitchingly” mad. He wants to hit her, not out of fun BDSM sexytimes, because he knows that Ana doesn’t like that. He just wants to straight-up hit her for disobeying him. No sex, no contract, no sub/dom, just abuse.

Kate mentions Ana’s meeting with Jose, apparently because winding up your potentially abusive friend’s partner is the best way to force them to get help? Christ, Kate is actually kind of an awful person. Ana wonders if she should just move to Georgia where “he can’t reach me”, and worries about the thought that he might hit her. Then he tries to finger her at the table, in front of his entire family, She tries to brush him off, and he clamps down on her thigh to stop her moving. Maybe just don’t fingerbang your sex buddy while you’re having a nice dinner with the family, eh, Christian? Though as vampires who are thousands of years old, they’ve probably seen it all. I’m sorry, but the Twilight feel off this chapter is unavoidable (and yes, I read it, back in high school where I agreed to read it if the person I borrowed it off would read Carrie).

After dinner, Christian wants to show Ana the grounds.

“..he bends down, and scoops me over his shoulder.I squeal loudly with shocked surprise, and he gives me a ringing slap on the behind.

“Keep your voice down,” he growls.

Oh no…this is not good. My subconscious is quaking at the knees. He’s mad about something..”

I want my favourite Doctors bingo now. Just need a Matt Smith gif to take me home…

Now, this film was done pretty much precisely like this is the movie, and it was totally gross then in a way I couldn’t put my finger on in the book. Again, it’s the fact that Ana is scared, is not sure why she’s being punished, and doesn’t know what to expect from this scene. This is disgracefully unsafe BDSM, because he’s hitting her without her consent, because he is angry about her wanting to express her personal autonomy. This is so clearly abuse that I wouldn’t trust anyone who can’t see it.

Christian carries Ana to the boathouse, tells her he’s going to spank her then fuck her, but unfortunately we have to duck out before any stupidly boring sexing begins. Hold on in there, my sweet angels!

Yeah, there was supposed to be a post up on Friday, but I ended up going on an impromptu flat-booze-up and having some of the darkest, most hilarious banter I’ve had all year. Things will be back to normal this week, and that firstly involves the trudge through the garden of earthly delights that is Fifty Shades of Pish.

Hey look, it’s that girl who plays Ana in the Fifty Shades movie-oh, wait, this is embarrassing.

We left off with Ana banging the fuck out of Christian, and the chapter opens with her lying on top of him, trying to touch his chest (which he’s said before he doesn’t like being touched). Now, I’m never going to back down over Christian being an abuser, but if I’d asked a partner specifically not to touch a certain part of my body and they did it anyway, I’d be a little bit pissed off. C’mon, Ana, don’t be a bitch. Ana asks him why she can’t touch him there, and he replies

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”

Been watching a lot of 30 Rock recently.

I feel like it’s important that you know this line was also in the movie, and I was almost incoherent with laughter after it. My challenge for you this week is to use this phrase in conversation and see how many of your friends laugh in your face and never speak to you again. I bet it’s 100%. Christian says that he gave control to Ana, Ana mentions her high GPA and how she knows that he’s not given over the reins properly, then Christian comments that she’s “Not just a pretty face”. Now, it’s something that struck me when I was watching Sex and the City (shut up, you don’t know) and everyone kept going on about how great a friend Carrie is. They kept up with this line of reasoning, despite the fact that Carrie is basically a self-centred, cruel, childish cow for the entire series’ run, but the creators had to get us to invest in her as a good friend.

You heard me, Bradshaw, you bitch.

EL James has to get us to invest in Ana beyond the fact that she’s allegedly attractive, so they have people announce to the reader how great/smart/funny/kind Ana is, even though we rarely see evidence for it outside characters announcing it like they’re in the fucking Truman show. We’re being asked to ignore her actual personality in favour of the one James has artlessly grafted on to a figure who certainly isn’t Bella Swan (hey, remember how these books are Twilight fanfiction but EL James threatened to sue people making fanfiction based on Fifty Shades? What a jape). It’s the same thing as when we’re told how much Ana and Christian like each other when they seem to find little to like past wanting to fuck and him being super-rich. They ARE in love, because the AUTHOR says it’s so, even if this wouldn’t pass for love in even the most clueless high school romcom ever made. Sometimes, being a writer myself, someone who knows so many incredible writers working round the clock to get their excellent, well-researched and fascinating books out there and knowing that EL James is probably rolling about on a pile of money and burning studies that show the abuse in her books is a thought more depressing that I’d care to contend with.

Something to cheer myself up.

Euch. Rant over. BRB wiping myself from existence.

There’s this:

“”Do you have something to tell me?” His voice is suddenly stern.

I frown. Crap.

“I had a dream this morning.”

“Oh?” he glares at me.

Double crap. Am I in trouble?”

Fun Fact: I am also covered in blood as I type this!

Do I really have to spell it out here? Ana had a dream (about Christian, in which she had an orgasm) and she thinks that she might get in trouble for it. A) The contract had fuck all about dream-screwing in it, and B) WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Why does she think a dream would get her in trouble? Why is he glaring at her for having a dream? Christian Grey is an absolotue, raging piece of arsehole and I will bare-chested battle to the death with anyone who thinks otherwise.

Presented without comment.

Christian announces that Ana needs to “sort out some contraception” because he doesn’t want to wear a condom any more. She stays schtum on the subject, and Christian decides to organise for his doctor to come round and see her. This is bullshittery as it is, and then we get this fantastic bit of fun just as Christian is leaving:

“Did you get me tipsy on purpose?”

“Yes”.

“Why?”

“Because you overthink everything, and you’re reticent like your stepdad. A drop of wine in you and you start talking, and I needed you to communicate honestly with me”.

DO I HAVE SKASGAARD BINGO YET

1. It wasn’t “a drop of wine”, it was several glasses of champagne. 2. If you have to get someone drunk yo get them to agree to talking about certain sexual acts about which they’ve expressed discomfort, that’s dubious consent. 3. DUDE, YOU ADMITTED TO GETTING HER DRUNK AFTER YOU HAD SEX WITH HER. I’m not saying this scene is a rape scene, but seriously, that’s fucking grim. Yeah, the thought of someone plying me with alcohol to get me to talk about stuff that makes me uncomfortable is making me all, well:

Christian and Ana banter some more, and she rolls her eyes at him. Christian pulls some shitty questionable-consent jiggery-pokery so Ana will let him spank her, and before we know it, he’s got her over his leg.

“…he hits me…hard. Ow! My eyes spring open in response to the pain and I try to rise, but his hands move between his shoulder blades, keeping me down.”

You have NO IDEA how long I’ve been looking for an even vague excuse to use this gif.

Here are a selection of phrases from the rest of that passage: “Holy fuck it hurts”, “I endeavour to absorb the gruelling sensation”, “this is getting harder to take. My face hurts, it’s screwed up so tight”. So, first, Ana tries to stand up after being hit, and he pushes her back down without checking to see if something’s wrong, ignores the physical indicators of discomfort, and carries on hitting her, before pushing two fingers inside her and declaring her wet, proof that she likes this. No consideration for, say, the sex they had all of half an hour ago? They fuck, it’s amazing, whatever. Honestly, I read this book long before I wrote these recaps, and I was never even remotely aroused by it; in fact, most of the sex scenes are best read with a kind of detached analysis, like reading a prinary source for history class or having sex with Paris Hilton . Christian leaves after rubbing some baby oil into Ana’s arse, which, by the way, doesn’t really count as particularly decent aftercare for a BDSM scene which is, based off Ana’s previous experience, pretty intense. Christian Grey is as shitty a dom as he is an everything else!

Vincent’s fake surprised eyebrows correctly surmise my emotions.

Ana is sad, so she calls her mother and weeps down the phone to her, because she’s having a subdrop and Christian didn’t stick around to really look after her. Kate arrives home, and notices that Ana has been crying and that sitting down apparently hurts her. Ana tells her that she fell over and hurt herself, because using an excuse to pass off the injury your partner has inflicted on you has never ever been a signifier of abuse. The only thing stopping me from burning down my entire building is the fact I found the full Infinity on High album on Youtube and am currently reliving my early teens.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Christian and Ana exchange some emails, and Christian tells her that if she doesn’t take some Advil he’ll make sure she doesn’t sit for a week, instead of a night. Thing is, a lot of the stuff Christian and Ana say and do to each other would be super-hot if it wasn’t framed in the story of an abusive relationship where neither partner actually respects the other’s boundaries. We know that when Christian says he’ll be sure she doesn’t sit for a week, he means that he’d hit her whether or not she wants it. I can be doubly sure of this when we take a look at the sex scene just passed, when he ignored all the signifiers that she wasn’t enjoying what she was doing. I know people will try to defend this as “OMG SHE SHOULD HAVE USED THE SAFEWORD IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT, HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW GOD”, but the fact of the matter is that both parties should be aware of the other’s limits, and read verbal and physical signals that might indicate that their partner might not be into things. C’mon, now, Christian.

Pictured: Christian Grey and his attitude to consent. How amazing would it have been if Michael Cera had starred in that movie?

Ana tells him she’s angry at him because he didn’t stay, then goes to bed and sobs some more. Seriously, is this book just fucking and weeping? Because that’s way too similair to my life for my liking. Christian turns up, despite Kate trying to turn him away at the door, and he and Ana have a discussion about the spanking. Ana says she didn’t like it, and Christian says she wasn’t supposed to like it. Look, I get the kinky sexy BDSM punishment thing, but surely the recieving partner should at least enjoy it on some level? Otherwise, you know, there’s nothing sexy about it and that person might be thrown into emotional disrepair by the fact that the person they think they love has beaten them in a way that they don’t like, just like Ana’s doing now. You’re all lucky that Thnks Fr the Mmrs came on right nowm otherwise I’d be fucking snapping my laptop in half. Christian asks how she felt about it;

“”Confused”

“You were sexually aroused by it, Ana””

Oh was she now? I’m for sure doing to start asking people how they feel about things, then telling them they were in fact sexually aroused by said action (“How did you feel about that tuna salad sandwhich, Ellie?” “Um, it was okay, I guess.”  “YOU WERE SEXUALLY AROUSED BY IT”. Apologies in advance to my friend Ellie). Ana convinces Christian to stay the night, and they fall asleep together. Hopefully forever. Tune in next week to find out!