The Cutprice Guignol

British anthology horror has a long and storied history on TV – from Late Night Horror to A Ghost Story for Christmas to Inside No. 9, the small screen has long been home to plenty of brilliant original horror stories. And, of course, some complete and utter shite. And speaking of…

Urban Gothic originally aired on Channel 5, with twenty-two episodes spanning two seasons coming out between May 2000 and December 2001. The premise of the show was simple – at the turn of the new millennium, Urban Gothic purported to take a look under the glossy urban fantasy of early-2000s London and into the grim, gory, and gothic underworld beneath. Most episodes worked as a standalone, covering everything from necrophilia to vampirism to androids, but there were a couple of overarching plot threads that were, let’s say, artlessly crammed in to the final outings of each season. The majority of the show was written by the appropriately-named Tom De Ville, with a few guest spots from other creators in the second season, and horror icons like Richard O’Brien and Ingrid Pitt served as guest-stars alongside the usual cavalcade of soap actors (Leslie Grantham, Alison Parteger) and up-and-coming British TV stars (Robert Webb, Ashley Walters) you’ll find in pretty much any UK TV genre outing. Which, on paper, sounds moderately fun – anthology horror, by its very nature, is a bit of a mixed bag, but Urban Gothic at least had a distinct approach with its Y2K-era setting and contemporary London backdrop.

But – and I really don’t say this lightly – Urban Gothic might be one of the worst horror shows I have ever had the displeasure of watching. Most obviously problematic is the production, which grants the viewing experience a similar vibe to being put through a nu-metal washing machine on speed rinse; thundering, truncated techno soundtracks, crash-zooms and repeated scenes, seasick-tilted angles that I can only assume were designed to test the limits of a packet of Fisherman’s Friends. The show feels like it was written by the same people creating panicked articles about My Chemical Romance leading a death cult when The Black Parade came out, a numb and almost comically tropey approach to goth and alternative culture as viewed through a lens of bloodless hand-wringing – all brand-new bedazzled pleather jackets and Tom Weller references.

I wish I could say the writing made up for it, but it doesn’t – De Ville especially writes with a cringe-inducing self-awareness and a desperate attempt to capture the language The Youth were using at the time. Hey, you remember that period in 2000 when we were calling everything cool “totally jagged”? Yeah, me neither. Dreadful dialogue is only underlined in the show’s desperate attempt to be sexy, with random horny details thrown in for no other reason, seemingly, than to make it all look a bit more scandalous – but frankly, I found Keith Chegwin getting it all out on Naked Jungle for the same channel markedly more erotic than this, and that’s really saying something. The performances are, at best, slightly campy fun, and, at worst and more often, a low point in the career of almost everyone involved, even actors who went on to prove themselves as genuine talents in later years.

There are a few episodes that, I think, could have made for some decent horror in different hands – MJ Basset (who I have still not and will never forgive for Silent Hill: Revelations)’s Sandman, for example, which follows a reality TV competition show where people have to stay awake to win a car only to find themselves plagued with insomnia-induced visions, feels like a pretty decent take on show’s modern gothic ethos, but is rendered virtually unwatchable thanks to the insufferable production. As awful as it is, it makes for some fun viewing if you grew up anywhere adjacent to this time period or even as a time capsule into the trends of genre TV production from the early 2000s; all the episodes are available on YouTube here, and, if you have twenty minutes to spare and a decent protective shield against cringe, they’re worth a look.

I would love to hear about your take on the show, particularly if you watched it when it came out or if you were a fan of similar horror – let me know in the comments below, and share your favourite UK horror anthologies so I can add something a bit more worthwhile to the list! If you’d like to support my blog, please consider supporting me by buying my books or dropping me a tip via my Support page.

(header image via IMDB)