The Cutprice Guignol

You know, the final season of Game of Thrones is coming out next month and I feel like it’s the end of an era: not a good one, of course, because I despise Game of Thrones and always have. Yes, it’s a well-made show and I admire the artistic blah blah fan appeasement blah, but it’s just not for me. Never has been, never will be. And yet, this is the most virulent pandemic of a pop culture disease that has existed in my lifetime – bigger than Breaking Bad, bigger than Doctor Who, Game of Thrones has been following my unwilling ass around like Jamie Dornan getting into character for his latest role. I’ve watched almost all of the show, just trying to get to that point where it clicks and I go “ah, yes, this is what I’ve been missing!”. It still hasn’t happened.

And for a show that I hate this much, that is this omnipresent, I really haven’t squeezed in a lot of snarking on the beast with two blands (they’re Emilia Clarke and Kit Harrington, don’t @ me), apart from this, the greatest article I’ve ever written. And you know, it’s time to address that. Starting this season, I’m going to be recapping the final season of Game of Thrones from the snarkiest, bitterest point of view I can muster – and that starts right here, with a look at the final trailer for the show’s next season. Alright? Alright. Let’s get into this, under it, out from it. Let’s get this over with.

0:08: Will this season, once and for all, answer the question “Is Maisie Williams a consistently good actress?”. Maybe with one face-half to worry about she can concentrate all her talent into one side of her face and we’ll see a net improvement.

0:19: Speaking of Maisie Williams, I just wanted to give you a fair heads-up and let you know that I’ll be headcanoning her as her character from Doctor Who in a darker timeline.

0:31: Irrelevant, but Tormund is the only man in this show I would let within a ten-foot radius of me, and that’s all because he’s into Brienne and thus has impeccable taste.

0:33: Ah, yes, Sam! I wonder who else will helpfully flip one of his books open and read aloud from a relevant page because the writers have just remembered that they forgot to account for a certain plot detail this season?

0:37: Lena FUCKING Bad-Wigs-On-Her-Headey, ladies and gentleman. Disgusting that they even bothered to put any other characters in the show, frankly.

0:43: Having Jon Snow and the Khaleesi shag was the cowards way out, frankly. Make them fight it out! Stop making me watch Kit Harrington lip people like a curious blowfish!

0:59: Listening to Jon Snow’s voiceover honestly makes me regret the commitment I’ve made and we’re not even a minute into the trailer.

1:02: Now, this is the couple I care about. Remember that whole scene that was just this chick alluding to the great oral this eunnuch gave her? That’s quality entertainment, that is.

1:11: Another whole season of “the reason this show is packed with so much misogyny is because it’s HISTORICALLY ACCURATE” in the face of, you know, all these dragons.

1:21: Nikolaj Coster-Waldeau as Jamie is a genuinely sensational performance, to be honest, and I’m really looking forward to seeing what the show does with his no-doubt cataclysmic climax right in my pants.

1:28: I actually forgot Tyrion was in this show for a minute there. Oh wait, no, I fucking didn’t, because all I’ve seen for the last eighty years are wall-to-wall “I drink and I know things” memes. Stop ruining Peter Dinklage for me, fandom.

1:35: Strike what I said about Cersei above – Brienne of Tarth is the only other character I’ll allow to exist in this show. God, I love you, Gwendoline Christie.

1:46: I don’t want to be a bitch, but is “ice zombies” not the plot of that terrible Nazi B-movie Dead Snow? Maybe I’ll just watch that every week instead of the actual episodes and write the same recap nine times. Stay tuned, and check in next month for my godforsaken recaps of the final season!

(header image via Watcher on the Wall)