The Cutprice Guignol

What’s all this “cheer” and “optimism” business? That’s not very on-brand for the Guignol. No, let’s get all miserly in here, and take a look at the worst TV that hit our screens in 2019. Strap in for snark, and on with the list!

5. Vikings

Oh, fuck, get me a drink. I’m still sad that I hate Vikings now as much as I do – I’m not going to go too far into why I detest one of my precious baby shows so much (I wrote about it last week here, if you want to see more), but suffice to say this is one of the only shows that I have quit writing about because I couldn’t bear to get through an episode week after week. Farewell, sweet Vikings, and may flights of Rollos sing thee to thy rest.

4. Altered Carbon

What if, like, Blade Runner, yeah? But, like, we got someone who couldn’t act even remotely in the leading role. And, you know, bear with me, yeah, we just make all the women naked, to the point of pulling dead bodies out of the water titties first? Maybe some of the fight scenes could be good, but then also maybe we could throw in a stupid amount of graphic sexual violence and make people look at James Purefoy doing it doggy-style as he punches a woman’s spine out of her neck? Maybe the story should also be pretentious garbage dressed as neo-noir and draped in neon just to make sure they get that we’re ripping off – uh, borrowing from Ridley Scott. Yeah, that’s what good TV is, right? I’m pretty sure we’ve done it, lads, let’s order some Chinese and see what they’ve got in the minibar.

3. American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Do I need to explain again why I thought this was one of the worst things on TV this year? Nobody cares, you say? You all read my reviews anyway, you say? Shut up, I need to rant some more again. Apocalypse was honestly one of the most shockingly indulgent things I’ve seen on TV in years, and I’m stunned to see it getting the praise that it has been – yes, a little bit of fanservice isn’t the worst thing in the world for a show, especially one that’s been running as long as this one, but there comes a point where this season was just pointing at itself and going “LOOK! HAH! LOOK! Aren’t we bloody great?” with its hands down its trousers. A disgraceful lack of effort and focus on giving the fans everything they wanted (but not what they needed) proves almost all Ryan Murphy shows are destined to go sliding off the edge and into garbage territory sooner or later lands Apocalypse amongst the most distressingly awful bits of TV I’ve had the misfortune to watch this year. I hope that the show lives up to its title and blows everything to bits for good after this one.

2. Sharp Objects

Oof. Alright, I have to admit that putting this on the list is a little embarrassing for me, given that I was wanking myself silly over the first few episodes of this one-shot HBO miniseries. And I wanted to love it, I did – in fact, I so nearly fell for it that it’s taken me the rest of the year to accept that it actually wasn’t actually a good story. The last couple of episodes of the season, and especially the finale, swerved into the skid of pretension over actually resolution and left the entire show feeling like a build-up to a rug-pull it never really earned. For all its prettiness and for all those wonderful performances, Sharp Objects felt like a con, and for the unfulfilled potential, I’m putting it right here.

1. Insatiable

Yes, I could have stuck something controversial at the number one spot, but let’s be real with ourselves – Insatiable was the worst thing on TV this year, and there’s a good reason its at the top of everyone’s shit lists. Not only was it just aggressively tone-deaf, but it failed to even deliver the barest minimum of genuine self-awareness or stylistic skill to lift it out of the “extended fart noise” category of television. It’s not often that I will say that a TV show has nothing at all to recommend to it, but I’m going to put my hand on my heart and promise that Insatiable isn’t worth a second of your time.

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(header image courtesy of NME)