The Cutprice Guignol

As you may have heard, Ryan Murphy, my love rival and general television will-they-won’t-they nemesis, has just taken a deal to head over to Netflix to create a bunch of new shows over there. Now, as a die-hard fan of literally everything Ryan Murphy has ever done (and yes, those are links to reviews on every single one of his shows), I feel like I’m probably a decent authority on what to expect from Ryan Murphy’s new Netflix deal. So, without further ado, let’s take a look at what I think his tenure with the streaming site will look like.

1. American Love Story

In the vein of Crime Story and Horror Story, Murphy will take on a series that investigates great romances with a classic Americana flavour. As per his other shows, there will be at least one scene of anal rape via spike.

2. Camp Camp!

A reality TV show built around a group of people sent away to live on some remote island somewhere and then judged off the sheer amount of camp they can display at any given time. Will it be through musical theatre? Campy horror in the vein of Creepshow and Nightmare on Elm Street? Both? At the same time? Only the obligatory exclamation point at the end of the title will tell! Tits and teeth, darling, since that’s probably what they’ll be sawing off of you.

3. Some Fuckin’ Bisexual Show, I Don’t Know

After complaints that his shows have displayed biphobia in the past, Murphy seemed to address this by having Cheyenne Jackson deliver the clunkiest speech of all time in American Horror Story: Hotel about how bisexual people are Real and Valid and A Thing, I Guess and Maybe Even Not All Of Them Are Vampires. I would love to see that precise same amount of effort go into making a show featuring a bisexual leading character.

4. An Invisible Monsters Adaptation

Look, right, snark aside, I desperately want to see this Chuck Palahniuk book adapted for the screen and Ryan Murphy is the man to do it. Packed with sex, violence, social commentary, links to the LGBT community, and graphic descriptions of felching, how this hasn’t happened already is just beyond me. I want this. I really want this. Make it a musical and put Wes Bentley in it if you have to, I don’t care.

5. The Last Season of Nip/Tuck But Played For Laughs

The final season of Nip/Tuck is one of the most truly, abominably awful things I’ve ever seen, featuring classic arcs such as That One Where Christian’s Long-Lost Brother Turns Up, That One Where Someone Becomes a Mime Armed Robber, The Existential Mind Journey With Joan Rivers In It, and The Fuck It, We’re Out of Ideas, Let’s Just Do An Erotic Asphyxiation Episode episode. Honestly, you wouldn’t even need to reshoot this; just throw in a few smash-zooms on reaction shots and a laugh track and you’ve got the Emmy-winning comedy of the year.

If you enjoyed this post and want to see more stuff like it, please consider supporting me on Patreon.