Impressions of Shows I Have Not Seen

by thethreepennyguignol

So, there are many TV shows out there that are wildly popular-unavoidably so, some might say- but that I have yet to actually see (I know, I know, the thought of me not having seen a show is literally impossible to concieve of, but stick with me here). Obviously, despite my not actually having seen them, I do end up with impressions of these productions based on the interminable hype around them and small snippets I have actually caught over the years, whether or not any of my impressions are in any way accurate. And I thought it would be fun to share my stupid, underinformed impressions of these shows with you. Warning: potentially offensive for anyone who’s actually a fan of the shows listed below.

  1. 24

A terrorist mountain lion rampages around Washington setting off nuclear weapons because AMERICA, while Dave Caruso goddammit not him the other one Kiefer Sutherland mumbles at the ground and commits violent acts of torture and wait, is the mountain lion meant to be the villain in this scenario?

2. Mr Robot

There was a guy I knew, an unspecified number of years ago, who was at one point a proper nerd- into maths, science, computing, the whole shebang. Eventually, he got kind of obsessed with hitting the gym and being super edgy, and became kind of a douchebag because of it. That second iteration of him is the impression I get from Mr Robot.

3. Mad Men

You’ve read the book, you’ve seen the movie, you’ve heard the music- now see STRAIGHT WHITE MAN IS SAD- THE TV SHOW!

Nah seriously though it does look great.

4. House of Cards

I’m assuming some sort of gonzo-style comedy prank show, because House of Cards is just a collection of those gifs I’ve seen of Kevin Spacey rolling his eyes at the camera, right? Right?

5. The Vampire Diaries

I was surprised to see they moved the action from the Deep South to-hold up, this isn’t a True Blood spin-off? Are you sure? But it’s about two sexy vampires fighting over an innocent-but-fit female lead?  Like, are you SURE sure? Have you checked with Alan Ball? Um, okay, uh, I guess, um, shit, fuck, I guess Nina Dobrev’s very attractive and has a fun name to say?

6. Modern Family

If someone invented a machine to suck out all the “edgy” humour from all sitcoms ever and replaced it with sloppy, gooey schmaltz- oh wait, we don’t have to imagine, because someone already did it and the result is Modern Family. Didn’t they not let the gay couple kiss for, like, three seasons? Pish.

7. Pretty Little Liars

The gritty reboot of Gossip Girl we were all waiting for. I, depressingly, feel like I would like this show way, way too much if I actually got into it.

8. Lost

I remember the weird TV ads for this show before it first came out and everyone wanking themselves silly over how fascinating it looked, only for 90% of the viewing audience to bottom out after the first season when it became clear the show never intended to answer any of the questions it posed. I also remember my Dad angrily throwing away a DVD of this show when he realised that he had paid good money for just the first half of season one, and found the thought of watching another, in his words, “thousand episodes of this shit” utterly untenable. I will never watch this show, no matter how good you tell me it is.

9. Chuck

This is a boring Josh Schwartz show that I object to even having on in the background while I ‘m doing something else more enjoyable, like pulling my fingernails off. But I do have a theory. Right, right, I know the timeline doesn’t figure out, but Leighton Meister (who starred in Josh Schwartz’s show Gossip Girl) and Adam Brody (who starred in Josh Schwartz’s show The OC) got married and had a baby and SURELY THAT BABY WAS THIS SHOW.

10. Spooks

Kit Harrington was in the movie, wasn’t he? Ugh.