The Cutprice Guignol

March 30, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 16

Yeah, there was supposed to be a post up on Friday, but I ended up going on an impromptu flat-booze-up and having some of the darkest, most hilarious banter I’ve had all year. Things will be back to normal this week, and that firstly involves the trudge through the garden of earthly delights that is Fifty Shades of Pish.

Hey look, it’s that girl who plays Ana in the Fifty Shades movie-oh, wait, this is embarrassing.

We left off with Ana banging the fuck out of Christian, and the chapter opens with her lying on top of him, trying to touch his chest (which he’s said before he doesn’t like being touched). Now, I’m never going to back down over Christian being an abuser, but if I’d asked a partner specifically not to touch a certain part of my body and they did it anyway, I’d be a little bit pissed off. C’mon, Ana, don’t be a bitch. Ana asks him why she can’t touch him there, and he replies

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”

Been watching a lot of 30 Rock recently.

I feel like it’s important that you know this line was also in the movie, and I was almost incoherent with laughter after it. My challenge for you this week is to use this phrase in conversation and see how many of your friends laugh in your face and never speak to you again. I bet it’s 100%. Christian says that he gave control to Ana, Ana mentions her high GPA and how she knows that he’s not given over the reins properly, then Christian comments that she’s “Not just a pretty face”. Now, it’s something that struck me when I was watching Sex and the City (shut up, you don’t know) and everyone kept going on about how great a friend Carrie is. They kept up with this line of reasoning, despite the fact that Carrie is basically a self-centred, cruel, childish cow for the entire series’ run, but the creators had to get us to invest in her as a good friend.

You heard me, Bradshaw, you bitch.

EL James has to get us to invest in Ana beyond the fact that she’s allegedly attractive, so they have people announce to the reader how great/smart/funny/kind Ana is, even though we rarely see evidence for it outside characters announcing it like they’re in the fucking Truman show. We’re being asked to ignore her actual personality in favour of the one James has artlessly grafted on to a figure who certainly isn’t Bella Swan (hey, remember how these books are Twilight fanfiction but EL James threatened to sue people making fanfiction based on Fifty Shades? What a jape). It’s the same thing as when we’re told how much Ana and Christian like each other when they seem to find little to like past wanting to fuck and him being super-rich. They ARE in love, because the AUTHOR says it’s so, even if this wouldn’t pass for love in even the most clueless high school romcom ever made. Sometimes, being a writer myself, someone who knows so many incredible writers working round the clock to get their excellent, well-researched and fascinating books out there and knowing that EL James is probably rolling about on a pile of money and burning studies that show the abuse in her books is a thought more depressing that I’d care to contend with.

Something to cheer myself up.

Euch. Rant over. BRB wiping myself from existence.

There’s this:

“”Do you have something to tell me?” His voice is suddenly stern.

I frown. Crap.

“I had a dream this morning.”

“Oh?” he glares at me.

Double crap. Am I in trouble?”

Fun Fact: I am also covered in blood as I type this!

Do I really have to spell it out here? Ana had a dream (about Christian, in which she had an orgasm) and she thinks that she might get in trouble for it. A) The contract had fuck all about dream-screwing in it, and B) WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Why does she think a dream would get her in trouble? Why is he glaring at her for having a dream? Christian Grey is an absolotue, raging piece of arsehole and I will bare-chested battle to the death with anyone who thinks otherwise.

Presented without comment.

Christian announces that Ana needs to “sort out some contraception” because he doesn’t want to wear a condom any more. She stays schtum on the subject, and Christian decides to organise for his doctor to come round and see her. This is bullshittery as it is, and then we get this fantastic bit of fun just as Christian is leaving:

“Did you get me tipsy on purpose?”

“Yes”.

“Why?”

“Because you overthink everything, and you’re reticent like your stepdad. A drop of wine in you and you start talking, and I needed you to communicate honestly with me”.

DO I HAVE SKASGAARD BINGO YET

1. It wasn’t “a drop of wine”, it was several glasses of champagne. 2. If you have to get someone drunk yo get them to agree to talking about certain sexual acts about which they’ve expressed discomfort, that’s dubious consent. 3. DUDE, YOU ADMITTED TO GETTING HER DRUNK AFTER YOU HAD SEX WITH HER. I’m not saying this scene is a rape scene, but seriously, that’s fucking grim. Yeah, the thought of someone plying me with alcohol to get me to talk about stuff that makes me uncomfortable is making me all, well:

Christian and Ana banter some more, and she rolls her eyes at him. Christian pulls some shitty questionable-consent jiggery-pokery so Ana will let him spank her, and before we know it, he’s got her over his leg.

“…he hits me…hard. Ow! My eyes spring open in response to the pain and I try to rise, but his hands move between his shoulder blades, keeping me down.”

You have NO IDEA how long I’ve been looking for an even vague excuse to use this gif.

Here are a selection of phrases from the rest of that passage: “Holy fuck it hurts”, “I endeavour to absorb the gruelling sensation”, “this is getting harder to take. My face hurts, it’s screwed up so tight”. So, first, Ana tries to stand up after being hit, and he pushes her back down without checking to see if something’s wrong, ignores the physical indicators of discomfort, and carries on hitting her, before pushing two fingers inside her and declaring her wet, proof that she likes this. No consideration for, say, the sex they had all of half an hour ago? They fuck, it’s amazing, whatever. Honestly, I read this book long before I wrote these recaps, and I was never even remotely aroused by it; in fact, most of the sex scenes are best read with a kind of detached analysis, like reading a prinary source for history class or having sex with Paris Hilton . Christian leaves after rubbing some baby oil into Ana’s arse, which, by the way, doesn’t really count as particularly decent aftercare for a BDSM scene which is, based off Ana’s previous experience, pretty intense. Christian Grey is as shitty a dom as he is an everything else!

Vincent’s fake surprised eyebrows correctly surmise my emotions.

Ana is sad, so she calls her mother and weeps down the phone to her, because she’s having a subdrop and Christian didn’t stick around to really look after her. Kate arrives home, and notices that Ana has been crying and that sitting down apparently hurts her. Ana tells her that she fell over and hurt herself, because using an excuse to pass off the injury your partner has inflicted on you has never ever been a signifier of abuse. The only thing stopping me from burning down my entire building is the fact I found the full Infinity on High album on Youtube and am currently reliving my early teens.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Christian and Ana exchange some emails, and Christian tells her that if she doesn’t take some Advil he’ll make sure she doesn’t sit for a week, instead of a night. Thing is, a lot of the stuff Christian and Ana say and do to each other would be super-hot if it wasn’t framed in the story of an abusive relationship where neither partner actually respects the other’s boundaries. We know that when Christian says he’ll be sure she doesn’t sit for a week, he means that he’d hit her whether or not she wants it. I can be doubly sure of this when we take a look at the sex scene just passed, when he ignored all the signifiers that she wasn’t enjoying what she was doing. I know people will try to defend this as “OMG SHE SHOULD HAVE USED THE SAFEWORD IF SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT, HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW GOD”, but the fact of the matter is that both parties should be aware of the other’s limits, and read verbal and physical signals that might indicate that their partner might not be into things. C’mon, now, Christian.

Pictured: Christian Grey and his attitude to consent. How amazing would it have been if Michael Cera had starred in that movie?

Ana tells him she’s angry at him because he didn’t stay, then goes to bed and sobs some more. Seriously, is this book just fucking and weeping? Because that’s way too similair to my life for my liking. Christian turns up, despite Kate trying to turn him away at the door, and he and Ana have a discussion about the spanking. Ana says she didn’t like it, and Christian says she wasn’t supposed to like it. Look, I get the kinky sexy BDSM punishment thing, but surely the recieving partner should at least enjoy it on some level? Otherwise, you know, there’s nothing sexy about it and that person might be thrown into emotional disrepair by the fact that the person they think they love has beaten them in a way that they don’t like, just like Ana’s doing now. You’re all lucky that Thnks Fr the Mmrs came on right nowm otherwise I’d be fucking snapping my laptop in half. Christian asks how she felt about it;

“”Confused”

“You were sexually aroused by it, Ana””

Oh was she now? I’m for sure doing to start asking people how they feel about things, then telling them they were in fact sexually aroused by said action (“How did you feel about that tuna salad sandwhich, Ellie?” “Um, it was okay, I guess.” “YOU WERE SEXUALLY AROUSED BY IT”. Apologies in advance to my friend Ellie). Ana convinces Christian to stay the night, and they fall asleep together. Hopefully forever. Tune in next week to find out!

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March 25, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Houdini

Now, this week’s installment was going to be on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, which was awesome and brilliant and had Titus Burgess in it (DID I MENTION I LIKED MUSICAL THEATRE), but I wound up writing that article for Popjunk, and I’ll link it in due course because I think it’s important that you know how fucking excellent that show was. In other news, I’ve decided to start sticking a “Watch of the Week” section down at the bottom of these articles, so even if I hated this show, I’ve still got some actually good TV to recommend.

I finally got round to watching Houdini, the History Channel miniseries about Harry Houdini starring Adrien Brody, which cropped up on Netflix a while ago and became something that I was saving for when I could really savour it, because it sounded precisely like something I would seriously enjoy. And there’s no doubt that I enjoyed it; it was also one of the most spectacularly shit attempts at a biopic I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing in my life. Let’s break this down.

1. The History

I have something to admit here: I’m currently three years into a joint honours history degree that I never intended to take. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed history in high school, but I thought I was signing up for modules when I was signing up for my degree, and turned up and sort of went along with things once I realized my mistake. Next year, I will be graduating with an honours in a subject I never planned to study at university, but stuck with for fear of causing a fuss, because I’m as British as they come. The one thing it did ruin for me, though? Houdini.

Do you want to know what they went with? They went with making Harry Houdini a spy for the American Government.

I didn’t know much about Houdini before watching this miniseries, but there was an immediate “here, naw” reaction when Adrien Brody signed up as a spy for the American Government, using his escape artistry as a cover for espionage. This is bullshit. As in, this is BULLSHIT. It was a theory put forward by ONE historian over ten years ago, who hasn’t backed up his theory with anything other than a message to an intelligence agency signed “HH”. This is a thing that basically didn’t happen. But it doesn’t end there! No, during his visits to Germany, Houdini uses a safe escape trick to break into the German ambassador’s office and steal the Schlieffenplan, which was a very real document that outlined how Germany would wage war against France and Russia by splitting troops across two seperate fronts. While this document would likely have been of interest to foreign intelligence agencies, Houdini didn’t fucking steal it, and he certainly didn’t steal it a year before it was written, as the show depicts. In his dealings with the Russian royal family, the Queen speaks broken English (despite being fluent), Rasputin is shown hanging around the family (he didn’t arrive till three years after the show had him there), and it’s common knowledge that Prince Alexi has hemophelia and that Rasputin is the only one who can ease his pain, which is why the Queen keeps him around, even though Alexi’s affliction was a state secret and not something they’d be discussing over dinner as the show has them do, and Rasputin’s reasons for being so close to the family were, likewise, closely guarded. MI5 turn up decades before they were formed. Houdini’s assistant, played by a wonderfully engaging Evan Jones, is shown to be from Georgia, as opposed to his real-life basis who was from England. They invented a conflict with his father despite the fact Hoduini spoke very highly of his Rabbi pop, and they even got the place he grew up in wrong. The writer of the first half- which was the most egregiously wrong of the two- apparently came out and said he took inspiration from the Guy Ritche Sherlock Holmes adaptations (which are execrable, but fine), apparently forgetting that SHERLOCK HOLMES NEVER EXISTED AND HOUDINI DID, and Stephen Fry’s backside wasn’t going to turn up anywhere to make everything seem alright again. The Sherlock Holmes series works because it’s set in a clearly pissed-around-with version of Victorian London, that features made-up characters doing things that never even became close to happening; using that as a justification for the pish present in Houdini is not that far from using Harry Potter as a reason to have Adolf Hitler shipped off to magic school in Downfall. If you wanted to make a show about an entertainer using his art as a cover for espionage, fine, but don’t attach it to someone who actually existed and didn’t do those things.

Jesus, I’m not demanding every single fact be checked by a thousand-strong horde of historians, and I know that things need to be compressed and elongated to fit a dramatic script, but this is the fucking History Channel. There’s a difference between artistic liscence and making bollocks up to fill space. You’d reasonably expect some people interested in history to be watching; maybe update your knowledge of history past what you remember from high school, eh? It might seem like a nitpick, but it became a hilariously distracting issue for me, and this isn’t even my specific area of study. It jars especially badly with the really well-realized and researched sections on his relationship with spiritualism and his strained friendship with Arthur Conan Doyle, and shows that yes, the writers do know their history as long as it suits their dramatic script. Twenty minutes of Wikipedia would have solved these problems, for Christ sake.

2. Stop Trying to Be Sherlock

I have something horrible to admit: I’m not that big a fan of Sherlock. I would never begrudge someone liking it, and I can see it’s a great show, but it’s never flicked by buttons for whatever reason (apart for that brilliant Baskerville episode with Russel Tovey in it). But it’s insidous influence has leaked all over television, with even Doctor Who absorbing some of the dregs of the show like a soggy biscuit (heh). Houdini so very clearly wanted to be Sherlock, it almost hurt; instead of letting us focus on the always-reliable Brody’s strong, slightly gamine, and uncanny performance, every time Houdini was unlocking a lock or getting punched in the stomach, we’d plunge inside his head (or, in some cases, spleen-seriously) to see how his fiendish brain was working things out. It was slightly interesting the first time round, but swiftly descended into crappy, repetitive showboating, especially when it so constantly interrupted the brilliant scenes of Houdini as an old-fashioned showman flogging his illusions to an amazed crowd. Sherlock is what it is because it doesn’t have to strain to get there; Houdini had it’s veins bulging out of it’s neck trying to prove how slick it was.

3. Kristin Connolly

Now, let’s get this straight: I dig the hell out of Kristin Conolly, who plays Houdini’s wife Beth in the series and who also starred in what is, for my money, the best horror film of the last five years (Cabin in the Woods). But instead of investigating her own interesting life (she worked in showbuisness before and after meeting her husband, and continued with vaudeville acts after his death), she appeared as nothing more than nag and a bore who was basically totally set against Houdini’s occasionally life-threatening acts, despite the fact that the real Beth was nothing but passionately supportive of her husband’s career. She did well with what she was given, but what she was given was little more than a shrieking harridan who’s mother didn’t like her any more because she married a Jewish man. Also, is Kristin Conolly contractually obliged to smoke pot in everything she’s in now, or what?

I guess the most jarring part of all of this is the fact that Houdini still had the potential to be great and indeed showed flashes of that greatness sporadically throughout the series. Houdini’s (real) deathbed conversation with his brother about his lifetime of fakery was powerfully moving, and Adrien Brody’s swagger and electric charm captured Houdini’s own showmanship and playfulness like a photograph. The lengthy exploration of Houdini’s work as a debunker of spiritual frauds was teetering on the edge of utterly excellent, because the show couldn’t rely on endlessly parading out Houdini’s greatest hits to tell a story. But, in coming so close to greatness, Houdini fell flat on it’s arse and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Watch of the Week: In better news, I did discover the superb BBC series In the Flesh which I will recommend to everyone sick of zombie shows who still loves the horror genre. Set in the aftermath of the aftermath of an outbreak, the series follows attempts to rehabilitate zombies with prescription injections and creepy contact lenses. Following a gay teen suicide victim (teenage suicide: don’t do it) as he makes his way back to his rural, homophobic hometown that’s still firmly in zombie battle mode, it’s sensitive, disturbing, and genuinely fresh. Go watch it!

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March 23, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 15

Yesterday was a wonderful day, because I finally found myself a comfortable, form-fitting leather jacket in a charity shop after literally four years of searching. I will wear that thing with pride all through the summer, even if it did mean I was sweltering all through this slightly warmish March afternoon whenever I nipped out for a smoke. So, it’s plenty time to ruin my week before it really gets a chance to get going with another chapter of Fifty Shades. If you missed it, Dakota Johnson declared those calling Ana and Christian’s relationship an abusive one were “uneducated”, a term that Fifty Shades apologists have been swarming over like a gleeful pack of wasps, and you can read my response to it here. Revel for a minute in the fact that I’m over halfway through this book, and let’s plough on with Chapter Fifteen. Oh, and as ever, read the rest of my Fifty Shades recraps (heh) at the blog directory.

We left off with Christian declaring that he was coming round to Ana’s house, and he arrives with a bottle of champers as Ana inwardly thinks of him as a “mountain lion” stalking around her property-

Impossible to resist this, really.

This agonising conversation happens after Ana tries to return the very expensive books that Christian gave her (by the way, I only realize now that he had no way to know her address when he sent these to her, and the thought of the high-level stalkathon he probably went on to find it has just made my soul crawl back up inside itself and refuse to come out).

“I bought these for you,” he says quietly, his gaze impassive. “I’ll go easier on you if you accept them.”

I swallow convulsively.

“Christian, I can’t accept them, they’re just too much.”

“You see, this is what I was talking about, you defying me. I want you to have them, that’s the end of the discussion. It’s very simple. You don’t have to think about this. As a submissive you would be grateful for them. You just accept what I buy you because it pleases me for you to do so.”

“I wasn’t a submissive when you bought them for me,” I whisper.

“No…but you’ve agreed, Anastasia.”

Praise be, for the glorious Chris Colfer is now free from Glee! Also, rhyming.

Woah, woah, woah, where to start with this passage. Firstly and probably foremostly, when the buggering fuckery did Ana agree to be a submissive? I’ll admit that a lot goes on in between these recaps and occasionally I forget certain details of the chapter I read last, but I flicked back over the last few pages and nowhere did Ana agree to be his submissive. The contract hasn’t been signed, and in fact Christian said he was specifically coming over to discuss it further. Also, for once in her painful little life, Ana is right about something: she wasn’t his submissive when he got these extortiantely expensive presents for her. And since they make her uncomfortable, she has every right to not want them around because the submissive contract doesn’t pull any Back to the Future shit that retroacticely makes Ana Christian’s sub since the beginning of time, to the best of my knowledge. We’re not even one full page in and I’m already exhausted. It’s only afternoon where I am, and I’m already trying to tie a fiver round my cat’s neck and send her to the corner shop for some wine.

The next post may be entirely Bernard Black gifs because YES.

Ana tells Christian she wants to auction the books for charity, which is actually a pretty nice idea, but backs down once Christian starts pouting like the little git he is. He explains that it’s normal for her to have some reservations about their situation because “you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into”. Which is funny because A) I thought Ana already was his submissive and B) Man, I wouldn’t really want to be with someone who didn’t fully understand the extent of the possibly damaging sexual situation I was pressuring them to get into. The first is just bad writing (I feel like this book was editing and chopped and changed and chapters were shifted around, because there are wierd leaps in logic and such which flag that sort of thing up), the second is bad person-ing. One day, EL James is going to come out and announce that she deliberately wrote this book as a social experiment and denounces the abuse in it and we all have a great laugh and get smashed together and the fans of this series sit sadly masturbating in a corner over this abusive manchild and fruitlessly calling Jamie Dornan’s agent to see if he’s doing the next movie (mark my words, he’s not). Ah, back from the world of dreams.

All rise for FAWLTY FUCKING TOWERS.

They drink champagne, and Ana wonders if Christian’s deliberately trying to get her tipsy, the answer to which is yes, yes he almost certainly is. They discuss what publishing house Ana hopes to work at after her move, and Ana rolls her eyes at Christian, whereupon he threatens to take her across his knee if she does that again. Again, no agreement has been made, no real discussion of hard boundaries has been established; this is just a dude, threatening to spank his not-quite-girlfriend for doing something he doesn’t approve of. There’s no hint that he’d be doing it for his or her pleasure, or with her consent; just that he’s going to do it if she displeases him. Hand on heart, I glanced round the room to see if there was anything I could make a noose out of close to hand (there wasn’t) when I realized once again that this is considered a romance book. “Romantic” is the first word on the blurb on the back cover, for fuck’s sake. To the publishers of this novel, and particualrly whoever greenlighted the back-cover blurb:

You know, I used to really dislike Keira Knightley, but she’s probably the person with the most interesting career who starred in Pirates of the Caribbean, so there’s that.

They go over some more limits while Ana moves on to what, by my count, is her third glass of champagne. Obviously Ana has a fucking sterling constitution (except when the plot requires her to be drunk so Grey can save her), but three champagnes in doesn’t seem like the best state of mind to be in when discussing the hard and soft limits of your first-ever BDSM relationship with a man who “hopes you never have to use” safewords. Yup, we deal with that doozy later in the chapter, because safewords certainly aren’t there to protect participants from potentially pushing their boundaries in a dangerous or uncomfortable way, or even just to avoid basic physical injury, but for pish-posh people who aren’t IN LOVE when they begin their BDSM fucking. Considering that Christian admitted he hurt someone while they were suspended, I would very much fucking want a safeword thanks very much. The thought of my shoulder popping out halfway through sex because my sexy billionaire fuckbuddy ignores my “red” doesn’t make me all squirty in the nether regions.

Pictured: the opposite of my nether regions. PS never google search “squirt gif”.

Christian demands sex from Ana, on the basis that she accept his graduation present to her. And I want you all to take a big deep breath and all hold hands in a circle, because what Christian Grey has done is sold Ana’s car and bought her a new one without checking if any of that was alright. Yup, he didn’t like her old Beetle, and decided to scrap it for a red hatchback. Ana is rightly furious, but somehow she ends up apologising to him and he drags her back inside the house to fuck her. As she follows him up the hall, she begs him not to be angry with her, and tells him that he scares her when he’s angry. That line genuinely makes my heart ache, because I’ve been near (thankfully finished) relationships were one partner was scared of the other’s anger, and it’s an awful thing to go through and it makes me physically fucking sick to think that a woman being frightened of her partner’s temper- especially when that temper is bought on by his ignoring her boundaries and wishes- is now a hashtag relationship goal.

They get dirty (well, barely dirty, and we take a step back from the glorious use of the word “clitoris” that only took two hundred pages to turn up and back into the infinitely less sexy “groin”. Anyone else think of Hans Moleman’s movie from The Simpsons whenever they hear the word “groin”?), Ana undresses him, Christian lets her touch him with clothes on, She goes on top, she comes “shouting incoherently”,

And the chapter’s over. This chapter has genuinely been a depressing trial, one where the leading man has ignored his partner’s boundaries, pushed her to get drunk while they discuss vitally important matters of consent, made her uncomfortable with his displays of material affection, and then become so angry he frightened her. BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE SEXY ORGASM TIMES. Urgh, see you all next week, I’m going to put my new leather jacket on and never leave the house again.

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March 21, 2015

TERF Wars: Trans Exclusionary Radicals and Feminism

This article originally appeared on Witty Bitches, so head over there to join in the debate and support a cool new feminist website.

I think it’s time that we talked about TERFs. Anyone involved in the feminism movement in any kind of way will probably have encountered this phrase a few times before- whether spitefully thrown out as a way to dismiss someone’s opinions (“ignore her TERF trolling”) or as a disclaimer (“feminist, not a TERF”) but what exactly that acronym means- and what kind of implications it has for feminists in the broader sense- is a factor that’s often obscured. So let’s take a closer look.

First off, what is a TERF when it comes down to it? Like all political ideologies, there are a bunch of sub-sections that bicker beneath the main banner, but those letters stand for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist (and also spawned a million “TERF war” pun headlines whenever they clashed with the more mainstream movement). That sounds pretty self- explanatory-but there’s a lot of confusion about what precisely a TERF is. For a lot of people, it’s just a radical feminist who believes that trans people (specifically transwomen) should not benefit from or partake in the feminist movement, and should be denied access to women-only spaces (like bathrooms and refuges). And I’m not going to come right out and sweep everyone who identifies with this group under the transmysoginist or transphobic carpet, because I’ve read some interesting pieces by TERFs who vehemently argue against those terms, but I will say that a rotten bunch of people who DO identify as TERFs have been involved in pretty nasty behaviour. By which I mean, repeatedly and apparently deliberately misgendering transpeople, outrightly denying their gender, suggesting that lesbian transwomen cannot actually be lesbian, and saying some pretty repulsive stuff about the bodies of transpeople. Which is all pretty grim and unacceptable to most sane people, and most feminists.

But the real problem I have with it is suggesting that feminism is a girl’s club-specifically, a cisgender woman’s club. And I’m certain there will be TERFs who disagree with this interpretation of it, but that’s the way I see it. Sure, the majority of feminists who I’ve met during my lifetime have been women, but I also know personally (and know of, more broadly) a good number of non-cisgender women who are feminists. And that’s a pretty vital thing about feminism. Even if the movement is broadly focused on women’s issues because women suffer from the most systematic gender inequalities, it doesn’t mean that feminism is a movement for women’s power. It’s a movement for gender equality. Let me repeat that: IT’S A MOVEMENT FOR GENDER EQUALITY. As soon as you start excluding people from feminism on the basis of gender, sexual orientation or, well, anything other than the fact that their ideology just blatantly doesn’t sit well with feminism, the ground upon which feminism is built shatters. It’s vital that we call out those people who come up with tenuous reasons to try and stop people from supporting feminism, because by not doing so we’re tacitly agreeing that feminism is something that only applies to cisgender women. And that only they can participate. And that only they can benefit. And that’s bullshit, and I don’t like that idea at all.

Look, when it comes down to it, I just feminism to stop being such a dirty word. I want to throw window open and invite everyone to come and join the feminist party. Gender equality requires input from all genders, including those outside the gender binaries. If you can’t handle the thought of your little feminist clique being blown open to anyone who wants to join a long and drawn-out battle to end discrimination based on gender- whatever that gender is- than I’ve got some bad news for you: you might not be as feminist as you think.

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March 18, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Community Season 6

A couple of years ago, I started watching Community. I’d caught a few episodes from the first series when it was first out, found myself ambivalent, and never tuned in, but a vague crush on Joel McHale joined with some idle Wikipedia browsing about what Chevy Chase had been doing recently led me back to the show. And I loved it. I showed it to everyone I knew, sparking off my own little study group of Community fanatics, head over heels for the fast-paced meta humour and Jim Rash in beautiful dresses (did you know Jim Rash has an Oscar for screenwriting? Every time he wanders on screen in another outrageous fantasy confection, my mind shouts “ACADEMY AWARD WINNER JIM RASH” at me and it becomes three times as funny). Then the fourth series spun around, and the loss of Chevy Chase weighed heavily on the show, even more so than the removal of showrunner and creator Dan Harmon. It still made me laugh, but it wasn’t as utterly memorable and instantly quotable as it once had been. The fifth series barely held my interest at all, with the incredible Donald Glover finding work elsewhere and only one or two episodes that I wanted to watch again-and some I could barely get all the way through. The whittling-down of the cast had me wandering the halls of Greendale Community College feeling a bit lost. Even Mike from Breaking Bad couldn’t save it.

This poster is a bit grim, all thins considered. Are the corpses of Donald Glover, Yvette Nicole Brown and Chevy Chase in the back of that car? We’ll never know.

So when I heard about the show’s cancellation, I wasn’t surprised or particularly disappointed- sure, it’s always a shame to see something you once loved go off the air, but I thought Community had it’s best years behind it. If it’s cancellation had saved something like Happy Endings or Suburgatory- both shows culled long before they went stale- I would have thrown Community on to the “out” pile in a second. But that didn’t stop a little quirk of interest when I heard that Yahoo had picked the show up, and would be producing the long-hoped for sixth season (#sixseasonsandamovie) and, like the good little drone I am, I watched the first two episodes when the came out in the middle of the night earlier this week. And I have some thoughts.

The first and most obvious problem is that the show is buckling under the weight of it’s own imagination. That hefty central cast that made up the first through third series-with seven main characters in all- helped the show bring all it’s crazy subplots and sub-subplots to fruition, because there were always people to throw themselves at whatever crazy shenanigans were sweeping the corridors that week. The show felt the loss of Donald Glover and Chevy Chase keenly and, with the amusingly-framed exit of Yvette Nicole Brown (the show’s secret weapon- her occasional bursts of darkness still remain the funniest parts of the early seasons for me),we’re left with only four of the original main cast as season six opens. Sure, in their place we’ve got Jim Rash and Kim Jeong stepping up to larger roles, and their characters are both well-written and superbly performed- but they’re not part of the group. They used to be there to roll by and spurt out a few lines of outrageous, plot-advancing dialogue (or occasionally stage keytar-themed takeovers of Greendale), and they’ve had a lot of the most jagged (and most entertaining) corners shaved off because they’re real-ish people now, people who need to carry plots and emotional arcs. I preferred them as unrepetent caricatures. Alright, I still did a spit-take the first time Jim Rash delivered a reverant “JESUS….WEPT” in the second episode, but it’s nothing on Dean Pelton having a Scorcese-inspired breakdown as he tries to film a new school commercial, or blackmailing Jeff into singing “Kiss from a Rose”. And that’s what my main issue comes down to with this season, and the couple that have preceded it; I never watched Community just because of the outrageous meta-commentary, I watched it because these were actually characters I liked and cared about and related to on some level (I hate to say it, but I’m somewhere between an Annie and a Britta, dating a Jeff-Abed crossover). Their chemistry was impeccable, and each time someone left a little bit of it was lost. This is no criticism to the remaining cast, but you can’t just pluck Monica and Joey out of the Friends group and expect everything to function the same- or be half as entertaining. The lack of cast- coupled with a longer running time of 27 minutes- leaves the show feeling a bit lost and a bit empty. There’s too much time to fill and not enough to fill it with, especially with A and B plots kind of being smushed together because there aren’t enough characters to separate them totally.

But that’s not to say that there weren’t some great moments in the show. Abed’s hilariously unsubtle listing of everything fans were worried about before the show came back was so on the nose that I had to roll my eyes and laugh along; Paget Brewster’s pragamatic Frankie was a welcome addition, a fun and surprisingly seamless entry into the Greendale world that proves they could probably pull off adding a few more characters to the show if they have the nerve and the willingness to piss off old, purist fans. Guest stars- although they occasionally clutter things up a little- were deployed well here, especially a glimpse of the lesser-spotted Nathan Fillion (also, guys, did you know Matt Berry is going to guest-star in this season? Hold on to your fucking hats, because it’s going to get SHOUTY AND FULL OF INNUENDO IN HERE) in the premiere. And, when it comes down to it, I did laugh a few times during these two episodes- the heartiest came at Ken Jeong’s calm description of a cat under a couch which was chewing it’s was through his hand, closely followed by the glimpse we got of Alison Brie’s folder. And while I found the plots less emotionally impactful than they once had been (the one with Britta’s parents was particularly “whaa?”-worthy), there were glimpses of the heart Community seemed to have lost over seasons four and five. Look, what I’m saying is that this might not be the old Community, and it might not even be the new Community they tried over the last couple of years, but maybe this new-new Community will be something to look forward to. Here’s hoping for six good seasons (and a movie).

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March 16, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 14

Once more into the breach, dear friends, and no, I’m not talking about Ana’s vagina. Firstly, I thought I’d bring new reader’s attention to my Fifty Shades movie review, in all it’s exasperated glory, and this more in-depth piece I did about Fifty Shades as a love story. After another week of being told I “just want my own Christian Grey” (haha KILL ME) it’s time to throw myself back into the seemingly endless cavalcade of terrible writing and dull sex that is my life. Wait, no, Fifty Shades of Grey. Yeah, the second one. Definitely the second one.

OOOH HE’S SO CUTE AND DOCTORY

After Ana weeps herself into a coma (a girl can dream), we open the chapter on a bit of a naughty sleep fantasy that Ana is having about Christian where he hits her clitoris with a riding crop (well done, EL, you’ve once again correctly named the female anatomy!) and the author uses the word leather three times in one paragraph because WRITING. Ana heads through to the kitchen where Kate asks her how her dinner went, and Ana punches her to the ground for being a dirty whoreslut who doesn’t understand that Ana DOESN’T WANT TO BE ASKED ANYTHING EVER DAMMIT. Nah, Ana sidetracks her by asking if she wants to show Ana her speech for today, because Ana and Kate are graduating. Ana takes the time to think about herself some more;

“Deep down, I’m not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive- it’s the canes and whips that put me off. I’m a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain.”

Ana, ANA, for the last buggering time, if you don’t want to do this, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS. Run! Leave forever! If your needs and his needs are so different, somebody is going to have to make some serious compromises to make this work, and it’s not going to end well. Ana’s stepdad turns up, and she mentions that she’s wearing Kate’s dress, probably because that Hidenberg replica is too fat to fit into it from all the sperm she’s eating. I’m a little taken aback by how badly this section is written because, wow, occasionally I forget that EL James understands the difference between compelling plot and shameless page-fillers as well as she understands the difference between romance and abuse. Blah blah blah, Ana goes to her graduation, Christian is there (because he’s a benefactor for the college), the girls in the audience next to Ana comment on how panty-dissolvingly hot he is, blah blah blah. Ana tells them that he’s gay, and then catches his eye.

“Unbidden, I recall my dream for this morning.”

I would tattoo this face on my face.

That’s weird, because here I was picturing Christian demanding that you remember that dream you haven’t told anyone about, so it’s good to know that it just popped into your head like that. Vital use of words there, EL. Ana listens to Kate give her speech, and is surprisingly kind about it, and for some reason every time Ana compliments Kate now I can’t read it as anything but a little sapphic. Damn me and my giant lesbian-tinted glasses. Christian comes on and does his great big speech about saving the world and feeding the hungry (by ordering an entire menu’s worth of food because he couldn’t be bothered sticking his head into the shower, but whatever) because he himself has known what it is like to feel hungry. Look, I know this line has to do with his abusive childhood, but when this happens:

“My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap.”

Look, I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but when the first Harry Potter films came out when I was but a bairne, I had a big crush on Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid. There was never anything sexual about it, but I just want him to cuddle me. That Christmas, the only thing I wanted was the Hagrid’ house Lego Set that came with a special Hagrid figure that was slightly bigger than normal Lego figures. I still have Lego Hagrid. This caption kind of got away from me. Why are you still reading this? Go back to the recap.

– I can’t help but snigger because now I’m picturing the entire rest of the book being made up of Ana being bowled over by the revelation that Christian has felt things like other humans sometimes. “Christian was sleepy? Christian was a bit thirsty? Christian really fancied a can of fruity Fanta?” (look, my period cravings are my period cravings, shut up). I guess, like me, Ana had assumed he rumbled round like a remote control car on a battery of horniness, occasionally parking to crack one out so he didn’t get overheated. He finishes the speech, and they begin the “tedious process” of collecting their degrees. I can tell you this for free: when I pick up my honours next year, I will be sprinting towards that stand like Barry fucking Allen and vaulting my way into a flat in Spain with my boyfriend and my cat. There will be nothing tedious about it. Christian quizzes her on why she hasn’t returned his emails when she collects her degree, because he can’t bear the thought of anyone knowing about their relationship except the potential hundreds of faculty, students, and family who are at this event. Kate comes to get Ana after the ceremony because Christian wants to see her. He takes her to the men’s locker room, and locks the door. Yeah, that’s right- he takes her away from her friends and family, then locks them in a room together.

Christian demands to know why he hasn’t returned her calls, snaps at Ana when she reveals that Jose services her car (I accidentally wrote that as cat, and just as I did so-)

Kitten will not be having this ignoring her to get work done pish. IT WILL NOT STAND.

then demands to meet her stepfather. Ray (her stepdad) agrees to grab a drink with Christian and Ana, and Ana internally freaks out when she realizes that the wine at the party is cheap. HEAVEN FUCKING FORFEND THAT ANYTHING LESS THAN LIQUID GOLD SHOULD CARESS THE PILLOWY LIPS OF CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKING GREY. Kate’s brother turns up and hugs Ana, and Ana comments that the family resemblance is striking even though she’s met him a few times before. Yeah, every time I see my mother, I think “Wow, don’t we look alike?”. Christian is not happy that Kate’s brother Ethan has his arm around Ana, and holds out his hand to her and calls her “baby”. She swoons internally, because she obviously hasn’t noticed that this certainly isn’t an act performed for the rival rutting male in the group since he hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with the endearments of late.

According to the text, Christian begins outright flirting with Ray while Ana loses her ever-loving shit at Kate for referring to Christian as her boyfriend. Once all the unbearable friends and family have drifted off, Ana and Christian discuss the contract more. Christian tells Ana that she “knows it’s going to be good, don’t you, baby?”, which, without the term of endearment, is more or less how my parents tried to convince me to get braces as a child so my teeth would less fucked up (I never did; my mouth is clinically too small and I’ve had to have a number of teeth removed so they don’t start exploding out of the front of my face or something. I was usually too scared at the dentist to actually pay attention to anything that was being said). This chapter just doesn’t end, does it?

Ray announces that he likes Christian because “anyone who knows and likes fly-fishing” is fine by him. Ignore the fact that your daughter is clearly nervous around him , why don’t you? Ray leaves, Ana cries, Christian makes more comments about how shitty Ana’s car is, and they exchange some more emails wherein Christian announces his coming over (her tits. Kidding, nothing that hardcore happens in this trilogy!). The chapter ends with EL James clicking on that SparkNotes bookmark once again, and quoting directly from Tess of the D’urbevilles.

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March 13, 2015

Why Feminists Should Watch Sexist TV

I spend my entire life hunched in front of a screen, and that isn’t something I’m ashamed to admit. I work as a freelance writer, and most of my money comes from reviewing TV shows, movies, and various other little offshoots of pop culture. And that was all well and good, until I became a feminist.

Last year, I had my big feminist awakening, which began with a few quiet mumblings about the representation of women on TV and grew into an all-encompassing ideology that permeates every part of my life, and, for the most part, I love that. But it’s made my job- which essentially amounts to pointing and laughing at bad TV, and screaming the praises of Hannibal from the rooftops- that much harder. Because sexism of TV kind of comes with the territory, and it’s impossible to turn off those feminist spidey-senses that start tingling whenever there’s a sexist representation or stupid trope or annoyingly retro stereotype on display onscreen. So, can you enjoy the shows you love and still get your feminist card punched? Well, I certainly think so- in fact, I think that it’s important for feminists to engage with sexist television.

With so much casual sexism at play on TV, it’s basically impossible to find a TV which has spotless feminist credentials (for my money, Sleepy Hollow is one of the few shows that pulls the elusive mix off). But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to enjoy sexist TV . The issue here is balancing the critical part of your brain with the one that just wants to be entertained, and it doesn’t mean that you have to wave goodbye to America’s Next Top Model, The Big Bang Theory, or The Bachelor in the process.

It can be difficult, in an era where being a feminist has become a loaded weapon of an ideology that spurs vitriol whenever it’s brought up, to accept that we live in a very sexist society. So sexist that most major forms of entertainment are going to be sexist in some way. Is that okay? Of course not, but millions of us all over the world engage with pop culture, and that makes keeping impeccable feminist mindsets almost impossible. And that’s why many of us, rather than speak out about the sexism in the shows we love, choose to shun them into a “guilty pleasure” corner, which gives creators further free rein to produce content that reinforces damaging stereotypes because hey, no-one’s taking this stuff seriously, are they?

So, how do you engage with sexist TV without letting it get the better of you? The balance that I’ve come to terms with in my head is being able to acknowledge sexism, and identify why it’s bad- which is always a useful little defence mechanism when someone demands that you explain why Game of Thrones is sexist (because, well, duh). I’ve honed down the innate ability to separate sexism from what I enjoy within TV shows, and appreciate that the people behind these productions aren’t necessarily raging sexists by proxy, but just misinformed and probably relying of stereotypes because they’re a quick way to get a character across in a limited timeframe. You can get pissed off that Penny in The Big Bang Theory goes to college so she can be smart enough to date her boyfriend, and still find Sheldon utterly hilarious. You don’t have to boycott shows that subscribe to sexist stereotypes, as long as you’re confident in calling out the casual sexism that’s rife on television screens today. It’s important that we take television shows seriously, as they can bring together people from all over the world and stimulate fascinating conversations about the nature of the characters and the way the show is created. And by admitting that hey, I like X crappy sexist TV show too, we can start dialogues with over fans about sexism and feminism on TV. Pop culture is something that almost everyone in the world has access to on some level, and that makes it a perfect place to start conversations about innate sexism in our culture.

For me, it boils down to that irritating chant of “if you don’t like it, don’t watch it” that’s directed at people who point out sexism in popular entertainment. If I decided to boycott every single show that depicted sexism in some way or another, there would be a lot less reason for me to have Netflix. A show can still be really entertaining, or well-made, or interesting, or thought-provoking, while still tapping into stupid sexist stereotypes that would rile up any feminist. Maintaining my job as a critic hasn’t required me to switch off my feminist side when I watch sexist TV, but rather to engage it even more than usual. Because it’s vital that we keep watching, critiquing, and reporting on sexism in pop culture, and the only way we can do that is by understanding the universe the show has created and looking at it from an authentic fan perspective. So, don’t be afraid to stick with your guilty-pleasure sexist TV shows- just be prepared to bring the small screen to account when it needs it.

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March 11, 2015

A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Family Guy

This article has been a long time coming. Because I have some fucking strong feelings about Family Guy.

This is a show that I came to with very few preconceptions about; I knew nothing about Seth MacFarlane, and nothing about the show except that it operated in American Dad-style dark humour and that Mila Kunis had something to do with it somewhere. I want to make it clear that I didn’t come to this show already intending to hate it. No, Family Guy earned that on it’s own merits.

I think what fustrates me most about not liking Family Guy is being told by fans that I just don’t “get it”. Look, I do get it. It’s not hard to get. Look, there’s a character saying something outrageous, and it’s funny because we, the audience, understand that that’s an offensive or misinformed viewpoint to hold! Wahoo! Forgive me while I check to see if my sides have split. This isn’t “dark” humour; this is humour that offends me by being so unoffensive. If I want to be offended and shocked to my very core, I’ll read the UKIP mission statement; this is boring in how obvious it’s targets for “satire” (I apologise to the word satire for having to appear in that sentence) are. If you’re trying to offend me- a lily-livered liberal- go ahead and smack me round the face with something really outrageous, something that might actually make me do that awful, shocked bark-laugh I commit to when I’m watching genuinely dark comedy (see: League of Gentlemen). It’s like the writers were putting together the scripts when someone whispered the word “edgy” three streets away. Excuse me while I retire to my fainting couch.

And those few times that Family Guy does actually manage to make a “joke” so offensive that it actually bothers people, there’s nothing funny about it. Offensive humour, if it’s as clever as Family Guy intends to be, needs to properly and brutally satirise a deserving target and not, say, Michael J Fox (stay classy, Seth). An episode about domestic violence- which featured a handful of well-presented good points about the issue- invited the audience to point and laugh at a woman deep in denial about the abusive nature of her relationship, and later featured a scene where said woman was dragged from the room and beaten within earshot. Ho ho, gather round, one and all, and let’s all have a good old hoot at the victims of domestic abuse! A song and dance number featured a line in reference to Terri Schiavo, a woman who was the subject of a lengthy and emotional desicion regarding whether or not to switch her life support off after a heart attack put her in a permanent vegetative state: Terri Schiavo…the most expensive plant you’ll ever see”. In an episode that feature a transgender person, an episode which MacFarlane himself touted as pro-transgender, a character vomits for a straight thirty seconds once they’ve heard that they had sex with a transgender person. Now, arguably, there’s an attempt at satire here, but when several LGBT communities lashed back at MacFarlane for the episode, his response (as a strong advocator of gay rights) was “That surprised me. I don’t meet a lot of stupid homosexuals…Brian happens to be a heterosexual character, as I am. If I found out that I had slept with a transsexual, I might throw up in the same way that a gay guy looks at a vagina and goes, “Oh, my God, that’s disgusting.” It’s just the way we’re biologically wired. They should give that another look.” I admire someone so willing to stand up for their show, but when you produce a episode that you’ve waved about as a good thing for a marginalised group of people, when that group of people says “hey, we thought that was actually pretty offensive”, your first reaction shouldn’t be to talk about how smart homosexuals are (I don’t see how that’s relevant at all in this answer, and I’m not taking it out of context-read the full interview here), and then to explain the joke and say that they should just look at it again until they see the joke. You can’t set out to offend people, then get defensive when they get offended. In the same interview, Macfarlane talks about how he and the writers decide which jokes make it into the show: “Is it smart enough and funny enough that it warrants being as abrasive as it is?” The answer, generally, is a pretty hard no.

But fear not! It’s not as though ALL the humour revolves around being deliberately offensive. No, we get pop culture references. Plenty of those! Sometimes entire music videos crammed into the middle of episodes for no reason other that to fill space, apparently. But the joke ends once the reference is made. It’s like someone running up to you and yelling “A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR…THE EIGHTIES”. The Simpsons mastered the sublime art of the comedic pop culture reference decades ago, with everything from Homer’s mournful desire to watch Sheriff Lobo to Burns hustling his flying monkeys out of the power plant window. You’d think Family Guy might have picked up a few tricks in between blatantly ripping off The Simpsons, but you’d be wrong. These pop culture references often tie in with the endless cutaways, which ultimately serve to prove nothing more than that the Family Guy writers can’t make one story funny, so have to resort to jumping away from it and into something else to get a laugh.

Look, I’m not saying you specifically are an awful person for not liking Family Guy, and I will not hate you on principle for it. Just, for the love of fuck, never tell me that the reason I don’t like it is because I don’t get it. Because presumably the thought of me understanding it and still thinking it’s a pile of steaming crap might be too much for you to handle.

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March 9, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter Thirteen

Well, I’m still making some pretence at sticking to the schedule, so here we are again on Monday recapping Fifty Shades. We’re on to chapter thirteen now, and it’s just as unlucky as the previous twelve. We left off with Christian and Ana attemtping to thresh out some deal over the relationship agreement, and the chapter opens with Ana waking up and having to hear about why her mother won’t make it to her graduation. Apparently, her step-father has twisted a ligament or something, but in reality Ana’s mother probably can’t be fucked traipsing all the way up to her daughter’s graduation while she stares moodily off into the distance wondering if Grey’s going to dick her any time soon.

Pictured: a Moody look. GET IT? GET IT?!?!??!?!

Ana recieves an email from Christian, reminding her the meaning of the word submissive and imploring her to bear it in mind for their next meeting even though, hey, Ana still hasn’t agreed to the terms of the contract or to be his submissive! Ana insists on driving, because she apparently needs “a quick getaway”. Honestly, I feel like EL James was trolling the lot of us with this pish, wandering around and telling everyone that no, of course she didn’t write about an abusive relationship, what is everyone talking about, while giggling to herself and rolling about on a pile of money like Ranier Wolfcastle.

Couldn’t find appropriate Wolfcastle gif; after a long and arduous search, this will have to do.

Ana does some packing, then goes to bed before she heads out to work the next day. The boss’ son is there, and follows her about being a total dick because apparently no men that Ana isn’t related to can act in even a vaguely acceptable fashion around the most perfect specimen of human femininity that has ever existed.

“Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.

“No, you don’t. You’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me…”

WAAAA-AAAA–AAAHHH AAAANNNAAA WHHYYY WOOONN’TT YYYOOOUUU TTAAALLLKKK TOO MMEEE WWWWAAAAHHHH

Seriously, can we just have one exchange with a guy who isn’t Christian that doesn’t end with the guy pathetically and creepily hurling himself at Ana’s feet? Just one? Can we? Also, fuck you, Paul, if you think that the only way Ana can weasel herself away from you is by dating someone else. Maybe she has a date because she just, I don’t know, has a date? Not because she’s pulling some elaborate scamola on you? Urgh, this book, I’m telling you. A weight on my soul.

Ana gets ready to meet Christian to negotiate the contract, and thinks to herself ” I don’t wear make-up- it intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up” and I get annoyed because Ana is about to graduate with a degree in English Literature and she apparently is still stuck in the Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte phase. When I was studying English at university, the majority of the novels we read were from the past fifty years, so forgive me if I don’t believe that the only women Ana could find to look up to in litreature were from two very easy-to-Sparknotes novels.

Ah, this Kermit gif never fails to fill me with girlish glee.

Ana and Christian meet at the bar of his hotel, and dicuss the contract. Ana briefly grows a backbone as she points out that the contract was legally unenforceable, and asks if he planned to hold it over her head anyway. He doesn’t answer that, and instead insists that relationships with submissives are built on trust and honesty, two things which Christian has earned 100% so far. Oh hang on a second.

Christian discovers that Ana hasn’t eaten (I’m so done with this not eating bullshit; like crap did she forget to eat for a full day and then drink wine on top of that and be a-okay), and decides to take her to his private dining room after Ana suggests that stay on neutral, public ground. Christian asks if she really thinks that would stop him, which begs the questions, stop him from what? Eating? “Oooh yeah, baby, I’m going to eat the shit out of this venison and drink the ever-loving fuck out this wine in front of all these people and there’s NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT”.

Christian tells Ana he’d ordered already, and she’s releived because she doesn’t think she could make any more decisions today. Which is the perfect mindset to be in when negotiating the terms of your BDSM contract, amrite, ladies? And it also begs the question: what the Christ have you been making decisions about so far? I think we need to go in the vein of another literary heroine, and lock Ana in the attic for her own good, because her brain is clearly wasting away like a mound of wet bread.

Whether or not I already had this picture saved to my laptop is neither here nor there.

Their oysters arrive, and Christian tells Ana to tip and swallow, which is hilarious because OMG SHE GAVE HIM A DIRTY BLOWJOB OMG. I misread a line about Christian squirting lemon juice into his own eye and am temporarily thrilled beyond belief. They continue negotiations, and Ana comments on how she’s feeling railroaded. BECAUSE HONESTY AND TRUST. They agree that Ana can eat and sleep what and when she wants, and Grey comments on how he wants to peel her out of her dress. Ana thinks “Sex, his most potent weapon, used against me”, because viewing sex as your partner’s offensive of choice is a healthy way to see your relationship. Just ask EL James, if she can hear you through the fistfuls of twenty-pound notes she has crammed in her ears. Christian has some thoughts on whether they should bone;

“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy. All those desicions, all the wearying thought processes behind them. The “is it the right thing to do Should this happen here? Can it happen now?””

Notice that none of those questions is “do I want to do this?” and hey, once again, ANA HAS NOT AGREED TO BE HIS SUBMISSIVE. That might be something like what sex would be like if they WERE in a BDSM relationship, but they’re not, and Christian is using that to levy Ana into sex to distract her from her apprehension about the contract. It’s a shame in some ways, because if I see Jamie Dornan in the street, I won’t be responsible for my actions, because he’s the closest thing to a living embodiment of Christian Grey that exists and I so, so want to punch Christian straight in his stupid, pretty, rich face.

Anyone else re-watching Dexter to get them through the long, lonely nights…?

Ana decides that she wants to have some space after the intense conversation they’ve had (yay personal agency!) and she actually gets up and leaves. She worries about their future together, and panics about three months of stuff she’s “not sure” she wants to do. She cries in the car all the way home, which marks us up to the third time she’s left a meeting with Christian in tears. At this stage, if the rest of the book isn’t Ana skipping off to follow a post-college career and forgetting about Christian forever, because they’re so poorly matched. Something tells me, however, that this may not be the case.

Pictured: Me, reading this book and knowing I have hundreds of pages of abusive bullshittery to get through yet.

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March 8, 2015

Popjunk Reviews: Fifty Shades of Grey

I take on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, because my lust for masochism knows no bounds.

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