The Cutprice Guignol

The Ninth Year: The Haunting of Swill House

Best TV Shows Ever #16: Happy Endings

It’s been a very, very long time since I found a show I warmed to as quickly as Happy Endings. It’s got a bad rap for reasons I totally understand-I imagine most people tuned in expecting a reasonably generic sitcom with your run-of-the-mill romantic intrigue and quotable jokes. Happy Endings, though, is a six-person joke machine that has little to no interest in what you make of it. And it’s fucking brilliant.
Now, I’m not claiming other shows haven’t done this- the full-on dedication to jokes over character development and long plot arcs- but Happy Endings is the only one that made my cat come and check if I was okay because I was laughing so hard.

Aside from the laughs (and there are more than I could count on one hand- notice the two clips here because I couldn’t choose which was better), there’s also an interesting take on sexuality which crops up a few times in the series. One of the main characters, Max, is gay, but is pretty much the only non-stereotypical gay character I’ve seen on TV in, well, ever (at least as far as sitcoms go). A scrounger, a slob, and an utter prick at times, the laughs around him are generated from things that don’t revolve around him liking the dick. Similarly, in a later episode, it’s revealed that Jane, who is now married to a man, used to date and was once in love with a woman. The revelation isn’t treated with the nudge-wink pant I’ve seen in many other shows, but instead takes a very funny, pretty nuanced look at female sexuality.

Frankly, I know I’m reading far too much into this, and all I want you guys to know is that this show is one of the funniest I have ever seen. As very funny, very quick, and very clever shows go, you’re not going to beat Happy Endings. So don’t even try.

Watch If: You’re done with overused sitcom plots.

Stick Around Till: You see The Usual Suspects parody to end all Usual Suspects parodies.

Best TV Shows Ever #17: I, Claudius

If we’re discussing shows that permanently changed my outlook on television, then here’s the primest of prime examples. I was gently nagged into watching this with my dad, and it opened my eyes to a world of televsion drama that I’d previously assumed had been confined to movies and books (and BioShock, but I digress).

Let’s get this straight: don’t expect any Gladiator-style battles to the death or sweeping epic love stories in Claudius. This was a BBC show with next to no budget that chose to explore the politics and intrigue of five generations of Roman emperors. That probably sounds inestimably dull, but it’s one of the most gripping, satisfying things you’ll ever see.

And you’ll start to forget that you can see the sets wobbling and the crowd scenes are made up of five bemused-looking extras when you get your teeth into the story. It’s hard to reveal one thing about it without having to crap all over the brilliant reveals and astronomical intrigue, but if I can’t tempt you with the story, I can tempt you with the characters.
Derek Jacobi plays the titular Claudius, who narrates the whole tale from back to front- from the rule of Augustus (played by a subdued and sinister Brian Blessed in his pre-subsonic days), through Caligula (an effete and utterly mad John Hurt) to Nero (Christopher Biggins. Nuff said). Every episode is fleshed out with richly drawn characters you can’t wait to learn more about-Sian Phillips, in particular, as the scheming, sarcastic Livia, is the right mixture of pantomime villain and manipulative sociopath, and keep an eye out for a pre-hair loss Patrick Stewart as macho Sejanus.

The true victory in I, Claudius is making a time that most viewers will have a hazy notion of at best into an intellectual soap opera, full of murder, sex, lust, passion, lies, and steamy Roman politics.

Watch If: You want to get totally lost in a completely new world.

Stick Around Till: You meet John Hurt’s Caligula, who is one of the finest characters Hurt has played in his illustrious career.

Best TV Shows Ever: #18- The X-Files

Ah, The X-Files. In some ways I’m disappointed I don’t like this show more because it’s so obviously made for me (strong female characters, conspiracy theories, scary monsters, the occasionally super freak), but it’s still landed a respectable place in my top twenty.

Thing is, The X-Files is an amazing show, and one that everyone who wants to put together a double act should watch. No better match could have been found for each of the two leads than the ones presented here- smart-mouthed believer Mulder and sceptic Scully (on a side note, one of my closest male friends is in love with Scully. Watching an episode with him is to be subjected to a chorus of appreciative gargles followed by a sheepish “sorry, sorry”). They are the heart of a show which has otherwise been done elsewhere before in a variety of ways (The Twilight Zone, Masters of Horror, etc), and they remain one of the finest will-they-won’t-they pairings on television. I can’t remember how many times I’ve been drunkenly watching the show (which is my go-to if I’m wine-pissed), screaming “Kiss! KISS!” at the screen. Both actors are tremendous and bring an interesting depth to their characters, a talent that they’ve both proved wasn’t a fluke in a pair of excellent careers.

I think one of it’s finest selling points, though, was the knowledge that this was a show that would scare you somehow. Whatever you’re pet fear- ghosts, death, terminal illness, aliens, people who could squeeze under doors, serial killers, witches, scary water- you will find it in at least one episode (one of my most unlikely pet phobias turned up in Fearful Symmetry, when an elephant ran quite fast down a road. No joke: wild animals, out of control, and at speed, gives me the heebie fucking jeebies). We all love being scared on some level, and The X Files offers a way to indulge that desire while under the efficient protection of Mulder and Scully.

Watch If: You secretly want to believe too.

Stick Around Until: You meet some of the amazing guest stars, such as Tony Todd, Tobin Bell, John Hawkes- and of course, Bryan Cranston, who crops up in the Vince Gilligan-directed episode Drive. In fact, just skip straight to stand-alone episode Chinga, a terrifying tale written by Stephen King which is by far my favorite episode of the whole show.

Best TV Shows Ever: #19- Black Books

Black Books narrowly fought out competition from The IT Crowd and Father Ted, both created and written by the genius Irish comic Graham Linehan, for it’s spot on this list, but this is the show that deserves to be here.
I suppose I’m biased to an extent- after all, the show does revolve around a wine-drinking, chain-smoking, bookshop-owning cynic who may or may not have been retrospectively been based on me- but judging by the amount of times my best friend yells “WHERE ARE THE TURRETS? IT’S RUBBISH!” at me when I pour her some wine, I don’t think I’m the only one. One of the things I like so much about it is it’s complete refusal to be anything other than a totally cynical, black-hearted, and very funny comedy. There are no lessons learned, no friends made, no walls broken down- just a trio of sour, often cruel humans (played to perfection by Dylan Moran, Bill Bailey, and the inimitable Tamsin Greig) bringing pain and suffering down on the heads of those who dare cross their paths.
It’s packed full of the typical Linehan absurdity- coats decorated with accounts, Bill Bailey spontaneously learning to play jazz piano with the spoons, Dylan Moran earnestly whispering “She thinks I’m a reclusive genius! Think how annoyed she’ll be when she finds out I’m just a reclusive wanker!”- and that’s what makes it so memorable. There are only eighteen episodes in total, and they are all a howlingly funny salute to professional cynicism and the complete rejection of anything that might disrupt the status quo. I’ll drink (an entire bottle of wine) to that.

Watch If: When asked to describe yourself, you can’t choose between “angry” and “clever”.

Stick Around Till: The restaurant episode. I wept. I still do.

The Best TV Shows Ever: #20- Vikings

Starting off the list at number twenty is Vikings, which has only very recently made it on to my radar. I’ve finished the second and most recent series, and it continues to impress- an ambitious, intelligent show that doesn’t flinch away from the nastier stuff in Viking society.

I think what warmed me to this show so quickly was the history it explored: an obsession with ancient history was what sparked my initial fascination with the past which endures well over a decade later. Commissioned and created by the History channel (which has more of a reputation for creating pish shows which somehow incorporate aliens into every single episode), it’s clear that at least a modicum of research has gone into this show, and that’s a pleasure to watch. Even the Consort, who was reluctant to try it out at first, grew to like it pretty quickly. And that’s the thing- it’s a show packed full of great characters and interesting stories, and those are the basics requirements for any good show. Unlike other “historical” dramas (COUGH Games of Thrones COUGH), the story is moved on in leaps and bounds every episode thanks to a shortened first season of just nine episodes. This is good if you’re me, someone who is pathetically averse to waiting a thousand years for anything to happen, and doubly so when those plots involve awesome Viking battles, English royalty played by people apparently trying to out-Blessed Brian, and Gustaf Skasgard belting out monologues while gripping onto the bow of a storm-lashed longboat. It’s already got a dedicated fan base, and you should be part of it.

Watch If: You want a historical drama that’s more drama than history

Stick Around Till: You meet George Blagsden as the alternately curious and terrified Brother Athelstan.

You Should Be Watching Vikings Right Now

Vikings is one of those shows I’ve been vaguely interested in for a long time. As a big-time history buff with a penchant for ancient European history (hate on me, haterz), it seemed like my kind of show. Factor in the fact I still can’t get my head around enjoying Game of Thrones (A few good characters + rape as set dressing x people trying to pass it off as “historical accuracy” does not = a good show, at least not to me) and it’s even more tempting. But it’s only in the last day that I’ve come round to watching it, and holyshititmightbethebestthingI’veseenthisyear.

Okay, that might be an overstatement (the best thing I’ve seen this year is the Hannibal finale, which was one of the best pieces of television I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing). But Vikings is still pretty damned excellent. It follows the story of the semi-mythologized Ragnar, a farmer with ambitions that go beyond his village. Keen to raid new territory, he winds up rampaging his way through England while dealing with deepening political machinations back home.

I’ll say this straight out: the best thing about Vikings is the cast. It’s one of those rare shows were everyone is so good- Gustaf Skasgard (son of Stellan) as the demonically eccentric Floki, Katheryn Winnick as a formidable female warrior Lagertha, Clive Standen as Rollo, Ragnar’s scheming brother…these are rich, well-conceived characters who help build the immersive world of Vikings with style. The small cast of regulars conveys that sense of tight community and intuitive closeness that comes through the best in the amazing action sequences. Take a look at this bad boy. Background: Ragnar is the blond fellow who almost takes an arrow to the face and the indescribably attractive blond woman is his wife, shieldmaiden Lagertha.

Now, what I really love about the fight scenes in Vikings is how quick they are. They usually last under five minutes, and they rapid, brutal, efficient and frightening. There are no Walking-Dead arterial blood sprays, or slow-motion sword-skewering- these people have been trained to fight, have done so all there lives, and are very, very good at killing people.
But the main quarrel isn’t the plundering or pillaging or raping- the driving conflict behind the show is religion. That mind sound ridiculous and ponderous and boring, but it’s not. One of the main characters-and my personal favourite- is Christian Monk Athelstan, played by George Blagden. Ragnar picks him up as a slave after a raid on Lindisfarne, and he becomes a kind of confidant for the protagonist. We frequently see events through the monk’s eyes- ritual sacrifice, the execution of law, and fervent devotion to Norse Gods is played out to Athelstan’s at best confused, and often horrified, point of view. The clash between Christianity and the Viking’s belief system is frequently explored in ways that I sadly can’t go into if you haven’t seen the show, but it’s a fascinating choice for a series that everyone assumed was going to feature a bunch of hot chicks and swarthy men in funny hats. The eighth episode of the first series, Sacrifice, is probably the best, as it tackles head-on the issue of Athelstan’s continued Christianity and how it continues to affect his life amongst his Viking masters. It’s an audacious choice, but, fuck me, the last ten minutes of Sacrifice make the whole series, let alone the thematic elements, worthwhile.

A quick shout out, before I go, to Travis Fimmel, who plays lead Ragnar. Let’s all take a moment to consider the fact that this guy is a Calvin Klein underwear model by trade. Sure, he’s pretty, but man can he make the whole antihero thing work for him too. While at first Ragnar seemed like he was going to be another dull hero who was too good for his own, well, good, his society has conditioned him to be the kind of person we consider pretty evil. You’ll find yourself drawn to and repelled by him in equal measure, despite the fact he has got, admittedly, a jaw-droppingly good body.
Vikings has just been commissioned for a third series, and I can’t compel you enough to get started now before it’s all anyone can talk about. Grab some mead and a nice warrior woman to see you through the night, and get on this shit now.

Tumblr, Self-Harm, and Me

This is a brief warning for people who come here for the funny jokes about Christian Grey being a wanker or retrospectives on Frasier (coming soon, folks!): this will not be particularly funny and may well be triggering for those who’ve self-harmed in the past.

I’ve recently discovered tumblr, because I was forced to sign up by an employer. “Oh well,” thunk I, “nothing wrong with exploring a new kind of social media, what with this being the digital age and all”. While I was browsing the internet for interesting topics to look up on the site, I came across a number of articles discussing the banning of pro-anorexia, pro-bulimia, and pro-self-harm blogs (which is what I’ll be focusing on). A statement released by the website said this on the matter:
“Don’t post content that actively promotes or glorifies self-harm. This includes content that urges or encourages readers to cut or injure themselves; embrace anorexia, bulimia, or other eating disorders; or commit suicide rather than, e.g., seeking counseling or treatment, or joining together in supportive conversation with those suffering or recovering from depression or other conditions”.

That all seems pretty sensible. But, me being me, I had to go and investigate exactly what kind of content this had left on those kinds of communities; after all, once something gathers a following on the internet, it’s pretty hard to ever sponge it clean entirely (see: 4chan).

I should point out at this juncture that this topic was of particular interest to me because I have suffered from depression and self-harmed on a semi-regular basis for around two years (I tried to make that as nonchalant as possible, but this is the first time I’ve admitted it to a wide audience and a tiny part of me is fist-bumping itself and going “WAY TO BREAK ‘EM BOUNDARIES, MACGREGOR”). Most of my scars have faded but I’m still extremely self-conscious about them, and self-harm is my The Big Bad, like booze for alcoholics or heroin for junkies. You may judge me off that statement however you want, and you’re welcome to, but I’d appreciate it if you kept any needlessly nasty comments to yourself. A morbid curiosity overwhelmed me and I had to take a closer look- what were these websites promoting that was so hypnotic to the tumblr community?

I investigated. And it’s pretty safe to say that many of the tumblr pages I came across that discussed self-harm continue to glorify it. Extremely graphic pictures of scars and cuts-some still bleeding, some clearly suicide attempts, some so bad that other users have urged the poster to visit the hospital-prompt comments complimenting their beauty. Some anonymous users despair because their scars are not as deep as the ones they see depicted on the site, and they believe this means they don’t qualify as “real” self-harmers. Gifs and pictures from movies glorify beautiful people slicing themselves to ribbons without tackling anything other than the superficial fact they are self-harming. Other posts advise on how to find razors and sharp objects in everyday items. One particularly hideous gif-and I’m sure it’s not the only one- shows someone actually cutting their arm open with a razor.

I can tell you this with some security because I am in recovery: if I’d found a community that had glorified and encouraged this habit back when I’d first started, I dread to think how far I would have gone to fit in. Self-harm is confusing and frightening and addictive enough without wondering if your scars are deep enough or pretty enough or numerous enough. And recovery is a long and often lonely process, so it’s not out of the realms of belief that someone might look for some sincere support on the web when nothing else is available and come across sites like these. This shit is utterly, utterly horrible, extremely disturbing, and offering very little in the way of the “supportive conversations” tumblr had imagined. Words cannot describe how angry and sick this made me, and you’ll find the same kind of blogs kicking around for eating disorders too-several particularly grim forays include a mixture of self-harm and pro-eating disorder material.

And let’s step back from my rage and take a look at the facts. Around 30% of tumblr’s visitors are under 25, so young people account for just under a third of their entire audience. Consider this: rates of depression in young people in Britain have risen 70% in the last 25 years, and it’s now estimated that around 1 in 10 young people all over the world will take part in some form of self-injurious behavior (SIB). Do you see what I’m getting at here? That tumblr should be doing a far better fucking job at protecting the particularly vulnerable third of it’s audience from distressing or potentially triggering imagery and communities? Seems pretty straightforward to me. But then I’m a nutter cutter: what would I know?

As a sign-off, I’d like to recommend anyone else who self-harms or is in recovery (I see it like alcoholism: you never really stop having the propensity to slip back into it, but you do have long periods of time-lifetimes, even-where you don’t) the following websites, which I’ve found really useful in the past.

http://selfharm.co.uk/get/facts/self-harm_statistics
http://www.7cupsoftea.com/ Especially this one.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Two

See that time I said that I’d post a review up next week, and then a month passed? Aye, I lied. Anyway, on to the second chapter of Fifty Shades of Pish. We left Ana strangely entranced by professional wankbasket Christian Grey, and oh Christ I just don’t care I really don-

After Ana nearly decks it while fleeing from his office, then ponders on how no man has ever made her feel this way before (I sympathise, as never have I been so attracted to someone who is also a complete pair of balls). She drives home too fast in a car that isn’t hers, and immediately starts whining about her so-called best friend and roomate, Kate.

Tonight's theme is dissonant cartoons!

Tonight’s theme is dissonant cartoons!

“Ana, thank you so much for doing this, I owe you, I know. How was it? What was he like?” Oh no-here we go, the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition.

Excuse me if I don’t think two questions regarding a wildly important job-related opportunity that she was forced to delegate to her blank-eyed automaton of a roomate is an inquisition. They then go to have a curiously stilted conversation where everyone says things that have never once been said before, and Ana goes to her job (let’s face it, it’s probably Kate’s job, and she’s going to huff around fucking everything up for Kate by asking if her boss is into dogging or something).

When she gets home, Kate comments that it sounds like Christian was “taken” with Ana during the interview. Christ, I was surprised she couldn’t make out the wood on his desk creaking as his erection tried to break free of his body and make a solo expedition to Ana’s peaks (heh). Some other shit happens-it’s just so fucking dull-and then we meet Jose.

Now, for those of you not familiar with Twilight (of which, we must recall, this book is a fanfiction) there is a character named Jacob in it. Jacob lusts after the female protagonist to no avail after he befriends her shortly after her arrival in a new town, his father has links with hers, and it’s implied he has Native American roots. We’re about to meet a character in Fifty Shades, and I want you to tell me if he reminds you of anyone. All the following excerpts are taken from within a page of his introduction.

Jose is the first person I ever met as WSU…and we’ve been friends ever since… We also discovered that Ray [Ana’s father] and Jose Senior were in the same army unit together…Jose and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside me he’d like to be something more.

It’s all in my head.

Off Ana heads back to work, and, lo and behold, who’s there but beloved actress Pauline Quirke. No, it’s Christian Grey. And he’s here to rub up on Ana like an anaconda with a hard-on and…buy murder supplies? Rope, cable ties, masking tape…as Ana veritably leaves a puddle beneath her every time he speaks, she takes little notice of the fact that he’s clearly stocking up for a long season of hunting humans for sport like every great romantic hero.

In honour of his upcoming tenure as Doctor Who, they'll be a Peter Capaldi gif in every article!

In honour of his upcoming tenure as Doctor Who, they’ll be a Peter Capaldi gif in every article!

They flirt stupidly for a bit (I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto think Ana, and I punch myself in the face) and then organise a photo shoot to go along with Kate’s interview. Where he will presumably-and hopefully-kill them all.

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David Firth: Cartoonist

Awesome interview with the admirable David Firth.

thethreepennyguignol's avatarThe Interesting People Project

saldfingers

“I never set out to “stand out” from anything, but rather just create what I thought was missing.”  So says David Firth, creator of the cult classic internet cartoon Salad Fingers (don’t follow this link if it’s past nine in the evening, if you’re by yourself, or if you know anyone with a North English accent). After releasing the ultimate in oddness almost ten years ago, David worked on a number of equally strange projects; from telling the tales of Drillbithead (a cute little fellow with a drill bit in place of most of his face) for the BBC to writing and animating Sock, a series based on his own dreams.

” There is very little that fully satisfies me. It would be quite a crushing position to be in if I weren’t able to create my own things, which I do, fuelled by my own ultimate dissatisfaction with what is on offer…

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