The Cutprice Guignol

See that time I said that I’d post a review up next week, and then a month passed? Aye, I lied. Anyway, on to the second chapter of Fifty Shades of Pish. We left Ana strangely entranced by professional wankbasket Christian Grey, and oh Christ I just don’t care I really don-

After Ana nearly decks it while fleeing from his office, then ponders on how no man has ever made her feel this way before (I sympathise, as never have I been so attracted to someone who is also a complete pair of balls). She drives home too fast in a car that isn’t hers, and immediately starts whining about her so-called best friend and roomate, Kate.

Tonight’s theme is dissonant cartoons!

“Ana, thank you so much for doing this, I owe you, I know. How was it? What was he like?” Oh no-here we go, the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition.

Excuse me if I don’t think two questions regarding a wildly important job-related opportunity that she was forced to delegate to her blank-eyed automaton of a roomate is an inquisition. They then go to have a curiously stilted conversation where everyone says things that have never once been said before, and Ana goes to her job (let’s face it, it’s probably Kate’s job, and she’s going to huff around fucking everything up for Kate by asking if her boss is into dogging or something).

When she gets home, Kate comments that it sounds like Christian was “taken” with Ana during the interview. Christ, I was surprised she couldn’t make out the wood on his desk creaking as his erection tried to break free of his body and make a solo expedition to Ana’s peaks (heh). Some other shit happens-it’s just so fucking dull-and then we meet Jose.

Now, for those of you not familiar with Twilight (of which, we must recall, this book is a fanfiction) there is a character named Jacob in it. Jacob lusts after the female protagonist to no avail after he befriends her shortly after her arrival in a new town, his father has links with hers, and it’s implied he has Native American roots. We’re about to meet a character in Fifty Shades, and I want you to tell me if he reminds you of anyone. All the following excerpts are taken from within a page of his introduction.

Jose is the first person I ever met as WSU…and we’ve been friends ever since… We also discovered that Ray [Ana’s father] and Jose Senior were in the same army unit together…Jose and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside me he’d like to be something more.

It’s all in my head.

Off Ana heads back to work, and, lo and behold, who’s there but beloved actress Pauline Quirke. No, it’s Christian Grey. And he’s here to rub up on Ana like an anaconda with a hard-on and…buy murder supplies? Rope, cable ties, masking tape…as Ana veritably leaves a puddle beneath her every time he speaks, she takes little notice of the fact that he’s clearly stocking up for a long season of hunting humans for sport like every great romantic hero.

In honour of his upcoming tenure as Doctor Who, they’ll be a Peter Capaldi gif in every article!

They flirt stupidly for a bit (I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto think Ana, and I punch myself in the face) and then organise a photo shoot to go along with Kate’s interview. Where he will presumably-and hopefully-kill them all.