Last week, in the longest chapter of all fucking time, we left off with the thrillingly tantalising promise of Ana getting at the very least pistol-whipped by Christian’s ex-sub Leila, who’s broken into her apartment with a pistol. And now, the thrilling conclusion!
Outcast: two mediocre genre shows smushed together to create an even more mediocre show.
In the last couple of years, it feels like there’s been a lot of talk about the depiction of rape and sexual assault on TV. Yes, okay, a lot of this stems from the wildly popular Game of Thrones and it’s controversial use (and use, and use, and use again) of rape, but other shows- such as The Newsroom and House of Cards and countless, countless others– have come under fire for the way they’ve handled rape-related subplots.
Like a broken car radio that you can’t untune from that one weird Christian music channel, I’m inevitably back with another dose of Fifty Shades Douchier. And I’m starting right here with a shout-out to my best friend/long-time reader of these godforsaken posts Ellie, because it was her fucking birthday yesterday and we’re going to get together and get sloshed all day tomorrow and I can’t WAIT. Like a food processor or a vibrator that doesn’t shake the foundations of your entire apartment when you’re trying to have a quiet wank, you should all have an Ellie in your life.
Who else will hold flannels over your face for you? WHO? Also, you should know that she calls this her “swamp hair”.
I have some important thoughts I’d like to share with you- mainly, the definitive list of things I like better than Jon Snow.
“Welcome to Top Gear!” shrieks Chris Evans, as the camera swoops in across the studio to give us a better look at the slightly unhinged panic behind his eyes.
In March 2015 last year, the BBC faced a dilemma. With Jeremy Clarkson dismissed from Top Gear, and his cohorts James May and Richard Hammond leaving with him, they were left without the iconic leading trio for one of their biggest-and most profitable-shows. The Top Gear brand was worth around £50 million per year and pulled in around 350 million viewers across the world when Clarkson and company left the show, according to estimates by the Guardian. Understandably, they couldn’t just dump the show and start over with a new Sunday night motoring magazine programme to fill the gap- no, they had to keep one of their biggest moneyspinners alive, at whatever the cost. The Top Gear brand was to be kept afloat, even with thousands of fans campaigning for Clarkson’s reinstatement and many declaring it dead after the trio, who fronted the show for more than twelve years.
With the rain pounding down outside, the wind whipping against the windows, and the first set pictures of Matthew McConaughey as Randy Flagg from The Dark Tower released, it feels like a pretty good time to talk about TV villainy (mainly to distract me from the fact that The Stand adaptation isn’t coming any time soon AND didn’t take any of my recommendations on board, grumble, grumble). Who’s the best? Who failed miserably? And who’s so fucking scary I can’t look at the screen when they’re on it? To the article!
Oh God. This chapter opens with a sex scene.
And not just any sex scene, no- it’s the sexy-pool-playing scene with left them in last week. Christian wins the game, so now Ana is at his beck and call nothing like she is in the rest of this oh wait.
So, I’m graduating. Which is awesome- I got my degree, after four long years of slogging and hard work and being too embaressed to mention to anyone that I didn’t mean to take a joint degree, actually, and that’s why I’m graduating with a BA in both History AND Journalism. Happy days, is what I’m saying. This is a positive and wonderful time for me, even though this article isn’t quite that
I hope you’re all having a wonderful week (and, if you’re British, I hope you’re all planning to vote tomorrow and all that), and that I can ruin your wonderful week with another fucking Fifty Shades Darker recap.
The Cutprice Guignol 