Popjunk Popcorn: X-Men: Apocalypse
Another swing, another miss for the superhero movie genre this summer.
The Cutprice Guignol
The Ninth Year: The Haunting of Swill House
Category: Uncategorized
June 2, 2016
Amber Heard and Biphobia in the Media
By now, you’re probably aware of the ongoing court case surrounding Amber Heard’s abuse allegations against Johnny Depp. I’m not writing because I want to cast judgement on the allegation or want you to do the same; I’m writing because I’m finding myself increasingly infuriated by the media’s coverage of her sexuality.
Because, of course, in a case like this, the potentially titillating fact that Amber Heard has previously dated both women and men is relevant. Oh, wait, it’s not- but considering the media’s constant focus on “Biseuxal Amber Heard”, as if it’s her fucking official title, I could see why you might get confused. And there seems to be a tacit connection being drawn between her sexuality and her untrustworthiness,which is a dangerous game to be playing considering the circumstances in hand.
Look, I know the media’s bad at covering shit like this, but the extent to which they fucked up the coverage of Heard’s sexuality has really surprised me. The case seems to have drawn out the latent biphobia and a wild number of misapprehensions about bisexuality- or at least, a half-legitimate chance to air them. Page Six drew attention to Heard’s “bisexual past“, which is funny, because, as she was at the time they were referring to, in a relationship with a man, that would make it her bisexual present. The Sun (I know, I know) suggested that her bisexuality had driven Depp insane with jealousy in an article with the intensely classy headline “Bi Bye Amber”. Despite no sources other than the usual “unnamed friend”, many high-profile publications are reporting that Heard was aching to get back to women due to her previous “bisexual tendencies”.Peter Ford, offering commentary on the situation on an Australian morning show, announced that “it’s not wise to marry a bisexual” and that Heard met Depp when she was dating a woman and “she decided to travel across to the other side”. The Express outright said that Heard had only dated women before, and sarcastically wondered what “the multimillionaire film superstar” had to make Heard “take a break from the sisterhood”.
I’ve written quite a bit about biphobia in fictional media before. But it’s really fucking jarring to see it happening so blatantly in real life- to see it held up as a sordid part of someone’s past, to see it pressed as an example of Heard’s untrustworthiness. To see the basic fucking lack of understanding that identifying as bisexual doesn’t make you a poor choice as a partner, or drive you to want to fuck around with every woman you know (as the media have been so intent on linking Heard to other women she’s apparently friendly with). The complete failure to grasp the concept that bisexuality doesn’t chop and change between being “gay” and “straight” depending on who you’re with.These are not impossible concepts. These are the kind of things you can learn with ten minutes of googling, for fuck’s sake. And I know that newspapers and tabloids will leap on the detail that will sell the most papers, but it’s still problematic that bisexuality works so well as a copy-shifter.
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. I am because it stuns me that these hilariously stupid misapprehensions still exist in real life, and are still served up to the public without complaint. It’s terrible to see the sexuality I identify with touted as a lurid detail in this case, and it’s proof and an uncomfortable reminder that biphobia is still very much alive and well in the real world, too.
May 30, 2016
Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter Eight
It’s too hot where I am- the kind of blazing, stifling heat that seems to get everywhere, practically setting me alight every time I go outside which is never because the last time I did I got burned like an idiot. I only mention it because I assume this is roughly how hot Christian Grey is, and roughly how enjoyable, too. On with the recap!
May 26, 2016
The Best (And Worst) Series Premieres
So, ever since that Preacher premiere, I’ve been thinking about other interesting series openers- they’re a hard thing to get right, but such a vitally important one in a TV landscape that’s already overstuffed with other things trying to get your attention (see also: me throwing a strop over how much I hated the Mr Robot premiere and how no, I wasn’t going to give it another episode because I don’t want to WASTE MY TIME on stuff so infuriatingly hackneyed). And after taking a look at the best and worst season finales a few weeks back, it seems only fair I have a poke about their counterparts. So I’ve dredged through my memory banks to find the best-and worst- TV series premieres in recent memory.
May 23, 2016
A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: Preacher Premiere
So, Preacher, huh? You may or may not be acquainted with the comics (I am, but am not the hardest-corest of the hardcore fans), but it’s probably been hard to avoid talk on the AMC show, which premiered last night.
A notoriously filthy tale that revolves around Jessie Custer, a small-town reverend in the Deep South with a dark past, Cassidy, an amoral Irish vampire, and Tulip, a gun-for-hire and Jessie’s ex-lover, it piles on the Christian iconography only to subvert it with frequently horrible acts of violence, incest, Arsefaces, etc. The comics are a blasphemous ball, but could the TV show live up to it’s source material?
May 20, 2016
Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter Seven
It’s been one of those weeks- the kind of weeks where stress piles upon stress piles upon stress, and before you know it it’s time to write another Fifty Shades Darker recap, fight the cat away from the actual book you’re reading, then sleep till Monday morning. We all have those weeks, right? I have some boozy gingerbeer and good company awaiting me when this is over, so let’s spend a lazy Saturday together picking this apart once more. Because I love you.
We left off with Ana bidding the money Christian forced on her at a charity auction. Christian is not best pleased.
“Christian leans over to me, a large fake smile plastered across his face. He kisses my cheek and then moves closer to whisper in my ear in a very cold, controlled voice.”
”
I had THE BIGGEST crush on Jude Law in this movie. The. Biggest.
Mmm, I love it when my man talks to me like a malfunctioning Gigolo Joe bot from AI. He grabs her hand and pulls it on to his dick- bare in mind, they’re sitting at a table with his grandparents, parents, and many other guests- and she starts giving him a rub job right there and then. And not a subtle one, either-
“Taking full advantage, I slowly caress him, letting my fingers explore. Christian keeps his hand over mine, hiding my bold fingers, while his thumb skates softly over the nape of my neck. His mouth opens as he gasps softly…”
So, yeah, everyone knows exactly what’s happening because these dicks have literally no sexual boundaries. “Everything south of [her] navel contracts” again, so I assume she just tips off the chair like a Barbie you can’t get to stand up properly. Christian is about to drag her off for some banging when his sister arrives to take Ana to the first dance auction.
Ana is nervous, but Mia reminds her that Christian will absoloutely for sure not be letting anyone else dance with her, so we’re back to the middle-schoolers exchanging dramatic texts in their lunch hour again. The announcer gets absurdly creepy:
““Now, gentlemen, pray gather round, and take a good look at what could be yours for the first dance. Twelve comely and compliant wenches.””
I don’t care if this is all for fun, actual, legitimate boke at “comely and compliant.” Because all you want a woman to be is hot and agreeable, right? The auction begins, and Mia casually mentions the fact that Christian was a “brawler” in his youth. Ana internally notes that “another piece of the jigsaw falls into place”, which doesn’t really make sense until you realize that she’s referencing Christian’s predilection for non-consensual violence. Ana is called up for auction, and Christian immediately bids ten thousand dollars- which is pretty much triple what any of the other women went for. But wait, some else has bid fifteen thousand!
Ana simply DIES at how EMBARRASSING it is as a bidding war breaks out over her. Shut the fuck up, Ana, we all know you’re the prettiest but also so OBLIVIOUS to your PRETTINESS which makes you NOT LIKE THEM OTHER GIRLS. Christian bids one hundred thousand, wins, and drags Ana off to bone, commenting:
““I’m sure it’ll be worth every single cent.””
Haha, you remember when Ana was complaining about him making her feel like a prostitute? Me neither. He takes her to his old bedroom, where posters for Fight Club and The Matrix are hanging (of COURSE they are, of fucking COURSE they are, Jesus, for someone who’s so soppphiiiistimmcaaated he sure picked the two most generic movie posters to slap up in his bedroom). He tells her that he’s going to spank her, but only on the promise that she’ll use her safeword. Look, just a page or so ago, Ana mentions that she’s had four glasses of wine plus champagne, and I’m not saying that Christian is deliberatley waiting till she’s intoxicated to push her boundaries, just that he’s openly done that before and we should bear that in mind.
He spanks her, then jams his fingers in her and she comes immediatley. He puts on a condom, and whispers the words every woman dreams of hearing in the bedroom into her ear-
““This is going to be quick, baby”
I have this horrible feeling that this is the picture that will display when I post this to my Facebook, and suddenly my mum will have a vested interest in reading these recaps.
Christian lasts six lines, and they head back to the dancefloor. Yeah, like no one knew what you were just doing. They dance to “I’ve Got You Under my Skin,” and Christian mentions how fitting it is;
Welcome back to the Slitheen Banter, we’ve all missed you.
Christian’s therapist, Doctor Flynn, who will be played by Hugh Dancy in the movies (HUGH WHY NOOOO), asks for a dance, and Christian allows it. Flynn makes some light conversation;
““I’m glad to finally meet you, Anastasia. Are you enjoying yourself?” he asks.
“I was,” I whisper.”
Oh God I miss Hannibal so much
Well, fuck you too, Ana. I still don’t get why everyone sees her as this wildly charming, sweet, intelligent young woman, when she’s repeatedly been rude, dumb and awkward around pretty much everyone Christian’s introduced her to. Ana admits she just wants to ask him about Christian, and Flynn flippantly replies that they’d be there till Christmas. Obviously Ana doesn’t get the joke, and when, he politely explains it to her:
““You’ve just confirmed what I’ve been saying to Christian . . . that you’re an ex-
pensive charlatan””
Wow, much charming, so kind. He “snorts” his words twice in ten lines, which is an amusing image, and is obviously chaaaaaaaaaarmed by EL James Ana and her seductive methods of constant sullen insults (to be fair, that did work for me) .Ana jokes with Christian that Flynn told her everything, and we get this:
“Christian tenses. “Well, in that case, I’ll get your bag. I’m sure you want nothing more to do with me,” he says softly.
I stop. “He didn’t tell me anything!” My voice fills with panic.
Christian blinks before relief floods his face. He pulls me into his arms again. “Then let’s enjoy this dance.””
Fuck, do these two need a slap. Like, as a couple. Not a sexy-spanking-time one, but an actual, honest-to-goodness slap. Why can’t they get through a fucking conversation-with each other or anyone else- without dragging their deep, dark, paaaaainful secrets into it? Is it because without them, we might notice that they’re actually thick, pretentious, hollow shells of characters and not the greatest people of all time as the author would have you believe? We keep on being told how much everyone loves them and how wonderful they both are, except that we’re only really shown them being sullen, rude, indescribably moody and almost comically dramatic. I guess if we stop raking over the fizzling coals of Christian’s “problems”, the reader might suddenly notice that the two of them are amongst the most unintentionally unlikable leading characters ever to turn up in any fiction book ever. I mean, Patrick Bateman ain’t got nothing on this pair, and he put a rat up a dead woman’s vagina. Just sayin’.
They dance some more, and then Mrs Robinson appears to talk to Ana. Mrs Robinson tells her that Christian is in love with her, something which staggers Ana:
“A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, one hundred thousand dollars for a dance. Is this love?”
No. No it FUCKING isn’t. Jesus, is that concept ingrained so much into our culture that this line genuinely didn’t bother most readers of the book? Is it so normal for a man to exercise horrifying jealousy, to stalk his partner (because, yeah, that’s what the “flying to see me” was about), and to throw money at her till she loves him that this sentence is seen as Ana acknowledging how much he loves her, and not how much she desperately needs to get away? “So, yeah, this new guy I’m seeing, his way possesive and forces shit that I’ve actively told him I don’t want on me”. “Sounds like a catch, has he got a friend?” Fucking hell.
Mrs Robinson tells her that she wishes them the best but that if Ana breaks his heart, she’ll come after her. And Ana actually gets in a moderate zinger:
“”And maybe I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen-year-old child you molested and probably fucked-up even more than he already was.””
I mean, it implies that she’s going to molest her right back, but still, it’s something! Ana storms over to Christian and tells him that she doesn’t want him talking to Mrs Robinson any more, which is probably a fine idea. Ana goes to the bathroom, and comes out to find Christian telling Mrs Robinson to stay away from her. On the phone, for some reason, even though she’s still at the party. Then Ana calls her old, and we’re back to thinking her age and her once-sexual involvement with Christian is the worst thing about her.
Carrick, Christian’s father, asks Ana for a dance, and they discuss Christian’s traumatic childhood. God, is Ana good at a party! The party draws to a close with some fireworks, and Ana basically grins herself to death with excitement. Mia, Christian’s sister, tries to convince them to stay, but Christian insists on leaving. Mia is dissapointed;
““You must come by sometime next week. Maybe we can hit the mall?”
“Sure, Mia.” I grin, though in the back of my mind I’m wondering how since I have to work for a living.”
OH WHAT’S THAT COMING FROM THE GIRL WHO LIVED OFF HER SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND’S MONEY ALL THE WAY THROUGH COLLEGE, I DON’T THINK I CAUGHT IT OVER THE SOUND OF THAT FUCKING IRONY. Anyway, Christian says they have a big day, and once they’re alone, Ana asks why. He tells her that his Doctor is coming round to give her the contraceptive shot.
““It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me.
“It’s mine, too,” he whispers.”
A late one, but truly appropriate.
Look, I don’t know how I can spell this out more clearly: CHRISTIAN. DOES. NOT. CARE. ABOUT. ANA’S. BODILY. AUTONOMY. He straight-up does not give shit. He considers her body his own and, since he doesn’t like wearing condoms, that means she’s getting the contraceptive shot (which can come with side effects, but WHO CARES). Instead of breaking his fucking nose like she’s entitled to, Ana thinks this:
“Yes, my body is his . . . he knows it better than I do.”
There are so many points that I have wanted to rage-quit this series, but this is one of the most potent. Like, seriously? This is what woman should be desiring? Literally handing over their bodily autonomy to a guy who can’t tell that a woman crying during sexual activity might mean she’s not into it? I wouldn’t trust him with my fucking laptop, let alone my reproductive system.
They get to the car, and Ana finds a note for Mrs Robinson being all, “yo, I misjudged you, you’re amazing and awesome and the prettiest ever and you totally deserve the lead in the school play”, or fucking something, I’ve kind of gone cross-eyed with rage. Ana thinks about how Mrs Robinson “cares for him deeply”, and we’re once again missing the point that if she truly cared for him deeply she wouldn’t have molested him as a child.
They get back to the apartment, and discover that Ana’s car has had it’s tires slashed and paint thrown on it. The bodyguards go into the apartment ahead of them, and Christian barrels in like the idiot he is, ordering Ana to stay outside.
“Holy shit. Christian! All manner of horrific outcomes run through my mind, but all I can do is stand and wait.”
I promise you, Ana, nothing is as horrific as the outcome that would occur if I got my fucking hands on him. Till next time, folks!
May 18, 2016
Best Episodes Ever
Ah, The Simpsons-the greatest show on earth, as I’ve previously discussed, and the binding force between all my disparate little clusters of friends, a true bringer-together of people, a masterpiece in (not-so-anymore-) modern comedy and animation. And yeah, no-one’s arguing that the last, well, fifteen or so seasons have been as good as the first decade of the show, but it will always hold a special place in my heart- heartfelt, hilarious, and often hysterical, The Simpsons is and always will be the pinnacle of animated comedy. So I’m going to indulge myself, and take a look at my favourite episodes from each of the first ten seasons- as we can all agree, the glory years of the show-and no doubt start a genuine turf war as people on the internet violently disagree with me. Join me, won’t you?
Season One: Some Enchanted Evening
Somehow, this was the first full episode the show produced, even though it was the last to be broadcast in their debut season- and it’s by far the most Simpsons-y of that first season that was spent mostly groping around trying to find it’s feet (Krusty Gets Busted aside, of course). Homer attempts to romance Marge as the kids full victim to the Babysitter Bandit in a pitch-black and also strangely sweet outing, featuring an awesome guest performance from Penny Marshall as the Babysitter Bandit herself.
Season Two: Treehouse of Horror
Looking at the list of season two episodes- Dead Putting Society, Bart Gets an F, Lisa’s Substitute- I was immediately overwhelmed by a feeling of panic as I realized that even in it’s second season, The Simpsons was pretty much killing it week in, week out and there was no way to pick a best one. But, of course, this was the first appearance of those now-famed Halloween episodes- yes, this is the one with their The Raven parody, as well as high-concept takes on Twilight Zone episodes and parody of The Amityville Horror that may have scared me as a child more than the actual film did.
Season Three: Flaming Moe’s
Now, I know a lot of people will fight me on this- the third season is, after all, legitimately flawless, and packed with splutter-worthy gags, outright surrealism, and a lot of heart- but this episode has a rewatchability unrivaled by the rest of the episodes. Anything Moe-centric is usually brilliantly dingy and grim, and this episode packs it on hard- the genuinely horrible Cheers parody song (which I know all the words AND harmony parts to), Homer’s Moe-centric breakdown, and the eventual Phantom of the Opera climax to the episode (also, somehow, Aerosmith). Now THAT’S television.
Season Four: Lisa the Beauty Queen
Look, I am Lisa Simpson. I was watching The PTA Disbands not long ago with the consort, and when it came to the “Grade me, grade me, I’m ever so smart!” scene, he just gave me a very long, hard look. So Lisa-centric episodes always stand out to me, and this one has always been a secret favourite from this season, even with classics like Homer’s Triple Bypass and Last Exit to Springfield. A stridently feminist, outrageously fun piece where Homer tries desperatley to win Lisa’s love by entering her in a beauty contest, it’s got heart, soul, and ideals amongst the illegal Colombian eyelash extensions. Even if I have always wanted to try a Laramie cigarette.
Season Five: Cape Feare
In another unfairly excellent season, you absoloutely can’t beat the sheer comedy value of what everyone can politely agree is the best Sideshow Bob episode. Obviously my love for Kelsey Grammer helps a lot here, but you can’t argue with the joke-per-minute ratio in this non-stop, gag-packed twenty minutes: Sideshow Bob trying to write the perfect threatening letter, Homer failing to understand the concept of witness protection, Bart avoiding death by demanding to hear a series of showtunes (a method that would also work on me, if you feel that’s information you may need to know for the future)…this is comedy gold, The Simpsons at the purely funny, unbeatably silly best.
Season Six: Homer Badman
There’s a very particular reason this episode is so special to me- and that’s because it was broadcast only a few hours after I was born. Yes, this is my birthday episode, and it also just so happens to be fucking brilliant. “See you in hell, Candy Boys!” is a phrase I get a surprising amount of mileage out of, only the icing on the cake of an episode that satirizes mob justice, outrage culture and the tabloid media through the lens of a candy Venus de Milo. Only The Simpsons could actually land their points with such a ridiculous premise, but they pull it off in an episode that balances madcap comedy with fiercely potent social commentary. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Family Guy (let me get one shot in, please).
Season Seven: Scenes From a Class Struggle in Springfield
In the commentary for this episode (yeah, I watch the commentaries, wanna make something of it?), the director Susie Dieter mentioned that this is the episode that she most often gets women telling her is their favourite; add me to that list, because this gorgeously animated and lovingly crafted episode is up there with the best they ever did. It’s a fantastic Julie Kavner performance as we suddenly figure out just how frustrating and difficult life is for Marge, and why she’s so intent on bettering herself and her family. It’s hard to balance an episode with this much of an emotional core with the by-now patented brand of Simpsons comedy, but this episode did it with style. Also, am I the only one who kind of fancies Marge in that Chanel dress?
Season Eight: Homer vs the Eighteenth Amendment
“Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” This magnificently funny and creative half-hour all revolves around the magic of booze, framed with a throwback forties detective style and a madcap sense of fun. Some episodes don’t have much going on past their sheer comedic brilliance, and this is one of them- there’s no real point to Homer becoming the elusive Beer Baron and flooding the town with illegal alcohol as the stoic Rex Banner attempts to hunt him down- it’s just a silly set-up for a bunch of brilliant jokes and set-pieces (“I don’t know what you expect to see in this, uh, friendly, neighbourhood pet shop”) as the animators have great fun bringing to life the retro ethos of the episode.
Season Nine: Girly Edition
Though season nine features the episode that many people believe to be the turning point in terms of quality for The Simpsons, The Principal and the Pauper, there was still some steam left in them yet- particularly for this satirical bit of fun, peeling apart manafactured, manipulative TV and throwing Bart and Lisa into competition with each other as they battle for the top spot at a TV station. It’s one of the last solid episodes to focus on this relationship, a high point for the wobbly few seasons to come. And it’s got a whole lot of the inimitable Kent Brockman, the greatest news anchor in TV history.
Season Ten: The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace
The series takes a notable drop in quality at the decade mark, and it was hard to actually pull out the best episode from this season because so many of them are just…okay. But this wouldn’t be a list about The Simpsons unless it ended on an episode in which Homer failed dismally and let others succeed in his wake- it’s daft fun with a throughline of existential panic about what we leave behind, as well as featuring the chair that can’t fall down which is an invention I would gladly take advantage of. As the series drifted off into the wild yellow ether, this was one of the last truly great episodes they ever produced.
So, those are my best Simpsons episodes (from the only seasons that matter, of course), what are yours, and how violently do we disagree?
May 15, 2016
Popjunk Popcorn: Captain America: Civil War
Captain America: Civil War suffered from many of the same problems of Batman vs Superman. Is this a stumbling block for big superhero movies?
May 12, 2016
Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter Six
Aaaaaand we’re back. There’s been some kind of glitch in the Matrix where I live in Scotland, so I’ve spent this week basking on riverbanks and drinking alcoholic ginger beer like some sort of boozy Famous Five. But alas, the good times must come to an end, and Fifty Shades Darker beckons me back to it’s doom-filled bosom once again. We left off last week with- Oh God, this chapter opens with a sex scene. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.
Christian and Ana are getting down to the dirty, as they never stop doing, after Christian showed Ana where it was and wasn’t okay to touch him on his body.
“Boy, I want him inside me, now.”
BOW HOWDY MISTA. Why does Ana’s inner monologue sound like a cheeky fifties schoolboy asking for candy? Her nipples grow hard and “elongate” under his touch which, um, isn’t how any of this works, but alright.
““You’re so wet.” His voice is filled with wonder.”
And once again, doubt is cast over whether Christian has ever actually aroused a woman before. She goes on top, and is lost to a void of pleasure etc (seriously, the flowery sex language is so jarring that I’m not sure how anyone isn’t distracted enough to get aroused)
“Up and down . . . again and again . . . Oh yes . . .”.
Yup, try and keep it in your panties, ladies, because I know we’re all squirting like broken fire hydrants right now.
““My Ana,” he mouths.
“Yes,” I rasp. “Always.””
Rasping: the sexist noise, and certainly not just the one I spent the last week making because I have a fucking chest infection. Just picture the scene: Christian mouthing shit at Ana like one ear hasn’t popped yet, while she replies in a voice that sounds like that guy who sang Roxanne in Moulin Rouge.
They come, and literally half a page later Christian starts on this:
““All those boys pursuing you—that isn’t enough of a clue?”
“Boys? What boys?”
“You want the list?” Christian frowns. “The photographer, he’s crazy about you, that boy in the hardware store, your roommate’s older brother. Your boss,” he adds bitterly.
“Oh, Christian, that’s just not true.”
“Trust me. They want you. They want what’s mine.””
Hitting it early today.
They’re still cuddling in bed at this point. He’s literally just pulled out of her, and he’s already starting with the “WEH WEH BOYS FANCY YOU AND IT’S NOT FAIR” malarkey again. How unreasonably pathetic is that? If Christian Grey is an “alpha” then I’d hate to see what a “beta” comprises of. A literal pile of goo that accuses you of friendzoning?
Also, why is he getting pissed at Ana for this? It’s not her fault people find her attractive, though God knows why. This is one of the nastiest parts of Christian possesiveness; treating Ana as if the reactions of other people are her fault (remember in the first book when he threw a hissy over Jose calling her?). This isn’t Ana’s problem, it’s Christian’s, but of course he’s making it her fault because he’s a fucking man-child who can’t face up to any of his own faults. Also strange: Ana denying these men were into her. She knows they were- she ackowledged it in the first book. It’s just character inconsistency, but it feels a lot like Ana backtracking to try and assuage Christian’s anger at her, which is some nasty bullshit.
Christian takes off the condom and drops it on the floor- which is completely fucking disgusting, by the way- and then he just threatens Ana’s bodily autonomy a little, you know, pillow chat:
““I hate those things. I’ve a good mind to call Dr. Greene around to give you a shot.””
A contraceptive shot, to be clear, not that Ana has ever expressed a desire for one. We gloss straight over that, and Ana touches him some more in his “allowed” zones, and then they fuck (off-screen, mercifully).
We cut to Ana in the shower, and she’s thinking about Mrs Robinson-and she actually gets angry for a bit, cursing her out for taking advantage of a child and fucking him up even further, which is about time. Then she gets out of the shower and puts on some sexy clothes for the event she’s attending with Christian and his family that evening, which is way more important, and Christian comes in and ogles her some.
He’s got some vibrating sexy-time balls, and suggests Ana put them up herself while they go out to the big masked ball that they’re off to. Look. I don’t know what you’re into, but the thought of having a vibrator up me for the duration of a family gathering doesn’t really get me hot. What if they fell out? Or someone heard the vibrating? Or I had an uncontrollable, screeching orgasm in the middle of dinner? Considering Ana’s “every time the wind changes” orgasm control, I’m surprised this hasn’t crossed Christian’s mind.
Pictured: Ana’s orgasm after someone leans over her to get something.
Ana agress, and Christian inserts the balls (ugh, not alright), and they head off. Ana spends two full paragraphs talking about her great she looks- “worthy of the red carpet”- because she’s sooooo modest and mousy and doesn’t think she’s worthy of Christian at all. Christian tells her she looks stunning as they’re going to leave, and for some reason this pisses me off:
“I flush at this compliment in front of Taylor and the other men.”
Because if it was in front of other women, she would be gloating that she was the prettiest. For some reason, Christian goes to show Ana his library which, as a student of English Literature, HE NEVER THOUGH TO SHOW HER BEFORE. They finally get in the car and go.
Christian gets Ana all hot and bothered in the car, and tells her what to expect from the event- rich people, fancy dresses, etc. They arrive, and apparently the papparazzi recognise Christian despite his mask because of his “copper hair”. This is interesting to me, because this is the colour of copper:
– and I don’t recall Jamie Dornan’s hair being that ginger in the movies at all. Why the discrimination against gingers, movie industry? Moving on.
They bump into Christian’s sister Mia, who introduces Ana to her friends. Of course, they’re jealous of the fact she snagged the indisuptably amazing Christian Grey:
““Of course we all thought Christian was gay,” she says snidely, concealing her rancor with a large, fake smile.
Mia pouts at her.
“Lily, behave yourself. It’s obvious he has excellent taste in women. He was waiting for the right one to come along, and it wasn’t you!””
Yes, it was EL James Ana you wanton harlot! She’s the prettiest and the smartest and has the hottest boyfriend SO THERE!
Ana meets some other people at the party, and one of them mentions that her company is being bought out- and Ana internally notes that it’s Christian behind it all, or, in her words, “a stalker par excellence”. Again, this stalker stuff: right there in the text. I’m not pulling this from nowhere, you know.
She’s introduced to his grandparents, and we get some more random woman-bashing, because God forbid we miss one opportunity:
“Mrs. Trevelyan is all over me like a rash.”
Nice. That’s someone’s Gran, you cunt. They put some money in envelopes, and we take half a page out to regurgitate the menu, which sounds…fine, I guess. They eat dinner, and Ana comments internally on how loud Mia is and how Christian’s grandmother is too nasty to her husband. A waitress stops by- but not just any waitress, one who has the audacity to have met Christian before! Ana snarks on her hair, and acts pleased when Christian doesn’t acknowledge her.
Mmm, yeah, your rampant insecurity, baby, so sexy, much hot. These two shits deserve each other- they’re like a couple of fifteen-year-olds throwing vague Facebook statuses at each other whenever one of them so much as glances at someone else. Is Ana actually being worse than Christian in this chapter? Not far off. Why does Ana hate all women who cross her path? Why is that considered a desirable trait in a leading lady? Is internalized misogyny not a thing EL James is aware of as a concept, or is she just so deeply entrenched in it she can’t do anything but write it into her characters?
Many questions.
Ana goes to the bathroom to take out the sexy-time balls, and they return to the table.The prizes for the auction take up another half-page and Ana winds up bidding the $24,000 Christian forced on her a few chapters ago on a weekend at Christian’s family’s property in Aspen, and wins. And…that’s the end of the most insecure chapter of all time!
May 8, 2016
Sexy Costumes, Agency, and Video Games
So, in the last few days, I’ve been permanently ill, hungover, or both, and thus spending a lot of time in bed trying to find things to distract myself with. I ended up diving down a Mass Effect rabbit-hole-Let’s Plays, op-eds, you name it- and was looking at some pieces about the ME series as a feminist and/or sexist text (there’s a lot of interesting writing on this topic, if that’s your thing). And I also came across a few rebuttals to the accusations of sexist, pandering representations of female-presenting characters that ran along a familiar path of argument: if women in real life presented themselves the way these women did, it wouldn’t be considered sexism. So why is it a bad thing when women in video games do it?
This is an argument I’ve had many, many, many times with various people, and it usually starts with the criticism of something a-usually female-character has been dressed in. Since we’re on the subject of Mass Effect, let’s use their character Jack as an example. In the game, Jack’s outfit looks like this:
Which, since you mention it, is indeed basically a tiny bikini and a bunch of cool tattoos. Now, in the arc of the game, she chose to present herself like this for reasonably well-articulated reasons, and many people argue that since she, and characters like her, made the decision to present themselves in such a way, they can’t be sexist. They used their agency to just happen upon presenting themselves in an often aggressively sexual fashion. And yes, in real life, if someone were to make the decision to express themselves by wearing the outfit Jack wears, that would entirely fine/empowering- and in game, she is making that choice herself. But the crucial difference is that no characters-male, female, whatever- actually have no agency over their representations in pop culture. Jack has no say over what she looks like in the real world- and it’s interesting that so many creators choose to present their characters in this hyper-sexualised fashion.
I think it can be pretty easy to dismiss costumes like this,
or this,
or this,
as something that the character would really wear, based on their traits and how they express themselves in other aspects of their characterization. However, the key difference here is that-and this is going to sound patronizingly obvious, but bear with me here-they don’t have any agency over how they present themselves. Somewhere down the line- whether they started from the ridiculous costume and worked backwards, or found the skimpy outfit arising naturally from the other parts of the character they were creating-someone behind the scenes decided that the best way to fully get across this character’s personality was to put them in an explicitly sexualised outfit-especially when you consider that a lot of the time, NPCs will appear in one skin or costume.
That was how they wanted the character presented to the world. The character has no agency over the way they look, and you have to wonder why so many of these characters end up in hyper-sexualised clothing, chosen specifically by their creators. These characters may have been written in such a way that such an outfit made sense. There’s nothing wrong with video game characters who dress it an overtly sexualised fashion. In a vacumn. But when characters, and particularly female characters, are constantly and repeatedly represented this way, it’s fair to ask why. Why was that important? Weren’t there better things to spend time on that finding a way to justify throwing a hot women a skimpy top? Would the character been impacted in some negative way if she wasn’t dressed like that? Because that barely-supportive top really doesn’t look fit for purpose most of the time.
Obviously this isn’t an across-the-board criticism of the whole industry, but I seem to keep coming across it in my mild dalliances with the gaming world, and it gets a little annoying. It feels like these games are pandering to a very specific audience, which they are welcome to do- they are welcome to court whoever they want, however patronizingly and unsubtley they want to. But it’s ridiculous to pretend that these characters look they way they do because they wanted to. Because fictional characters don’t get a say in whether they get dressed up in the badass armour or the tiny bikini. Again.
The Cutprice Guignol 