Fifty shades of grey recaps | The Cutprice Guignol

July 16, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recaps: Chapter 3

Yes, I vanished off the face of the blogosphere for a while. Sorry about that. I was distracted by TV lists, work, death, stress, hearty amounts of internet abuse, and, thankfully, this beautiful creature.

I’m talking about the cat, not me, though I am also perfect.

But I’m back to take on Fifty Shades with renewed vigour and a shit-ton of Hannibal gifs because I can’t seem to stop looking at Mads Mikklesen smiling of late.

Full Disclosure: I keep having sex dreams about Hannibal Lecter as played by Mads, and they always end the same way-with him cutting my throat and pushing me off a bridge. I know this is bad, but I’m not sure I quite appreciate how bad it is.

Boom. Let’s get this show on the motherfucking road. We left off with Grey having just stopped by Ana’s workplace to buy a stream of copious murder materials, like some kind of middle-class Leatherface (side note: I’d go to bed with Leatherface over Grey). Ana calls her roomate, and Kate literally shits out her organs with glee when she finds out that, not only was Grey only passing through on buisiness, but he gave Ana his number to arrange A PREVIOUSLY DISCUSSED PHOTOSHOOT. Kate insists on referring to their combined half-hour of contact as “a relationship”. I begin gnawing through my arm as distraction.

Kate encourages Ana to manipulate Jose into doing the photoshoot for them, and he agrees because it’s inconceivable for anyone not to fall at Ana’s feet when she has the audacity to exist around them. As Ana audibly (AUDIBLY) dampens as she speaks to Grey about the photoshoot, Kate teases her about her clear ladyboner for Wank Central Station, and Ana throws a hissy fit then storms off. I’d like to point out at this stage that I find this singular Hannibal gif twenty times more arousing than I have any of this book, the great sexual liberator of a generation.

*fumbles hurriedly with trousers*

The photoshoot is arranged, and we thankfully skip ahead to the Scooby Gang (if only) setting up in a posh hotel. When Grey arrives, he and Jose exchange what I assume EL James thought was smouldering sexual rivalry over a tenacious heroine, but it reads as two thundering dullards bickering over who gets the last pink wafer biscuit. In this scenario, Ana is the plain white ceramic plate upon which the far more interesting foodstuff is placed. On a side note, do you remember that bit in Twilight where Bella is almost hit by a car, then Edward suddenly appears next to her and pushes it out of her way? Yeah, keep that in mind for later.

The photoshoot, which goes on for around a thousand years, finally ends, and Grey invites Ana out for coffee. Ana- and promise you, this is written in the book- panics because she doesn’t like coffee. Grey holds her hand in the lift on the way out of the hotel, and Ana basically goes completely to pieces. I have now chewed far enough through my arm to play my nerves like a fleshy banjo.

There is vague small talk for a while- even though most of what we get is internal monologue from Ana, leaving me to assume she just sat there in silence staring at Christian like a stuffed deer- then this exchange occurs.

“I like my tea black and weak”, I mutter is explanation.

“I see. Is he your boyfriend?”

Once that surreal leap of logic has taken place, Grey proceeds to lay out a perfect how-not-to guide to first dates.

“You should find me intimidating” He nods. “You’re very honest. Please don’t look down. I like to see your face”

Aside from the fact this all sounds like stuff a serial killer would say just before he peeled the skin off his next victim like so much sticky tape, he calls Ana “self-contained” and “mysterious”. I understand that it must be confusing to come across someone so desperately thick that they have no hidden depths, but there’s no way in hell you could describe Ana- face-planting, blushing, staring, squeaking Ana- as fucking self-contained. I’m now working my way through the bone.

Then there are three excruciating pages of the two “smouldering” over the table at each other as they discuss totally inappropriate subject matter for a first date, then they leave and wander off back to their respective vehicles. I actually had to take a run-up at this section because I just couldn’t handle how fucking painful it was to get through. Got that car bit from Twilight in mind? Good.

“Shit, Ana!” Grey cries. He tugs the hand that he’s holding so hard that I fall back against him just as a cyclist whips past, narrowly missing me, heading the wrong way up this one-way street

That sums up Fifty Shades perfectly to me: even when it rips off other, mediocre books, it still can’t be bothered to do anything exciting, interesting, stimulating, or not shockingly dull. I can promise you I will not be going near this shit again for a long time. Hopefully long after my death.

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June 11, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Two

See that time I said that I’d post a review up next week, and then a month passed? Aye, I lied. Anyway, on to the second chapter of Fifty Shades of Pish. We left Ana strangely entranced by professional wankbasket Christian Grey, and oh Christ I just don’t care I really don-

After Ana nearly decks it while fleeing from his office, then ponders on how no man has ever made her feel this way before (I sympathise, as never have I been so attracted to someone who is also a complete pair of balls). She drives home too fast in a car that isn’t hers, and immediately starts whining about her so-called best friend and roomate, Kate.

Tonight’s theme is dissonant cartoons!

“Ana, thank you so much for doing this, I owe you, I know. How was it? What was he like?” Oh no-here we go, the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition.

Excuse me if I don’t think two questions regarding a wildly important job-related opportunity that she was forced to delegate to her blank-eyed automaton of a roomate is an inquisition. They then go to have a curiously stilted conversation where everyone says things that have never once been said before, and Ana goes to her job (let’s face it, it’s probably Kate’s job, and she’s going to huff around fucking everything up for Kate by asking if her boss is into dogging or something).

When she gets home, Kate comments that it sounds like Christian was “taken” with Ana during the interview. Christ, I was surprised she couldn’t make out the wood on his desk creaking as his erection tried to break free of his body and make a solo expedition to Ana’s peaks (heh). Some other shit happens-it’s just so fucking dull-and then we meet Jose.

Now, for those of you not familiar with Twilight (of which, we must recall, this book is a fanfiction) there is a character named Jacob in it. Jacob lusts after the female protagonist to no avail after he befriends her shortly after her arrival in a new town, his father has links with hers, and it’s implied he has Native American roots. We’re about to meet a character in Fifty Shades, and I want you to tell me if he reminds you of anyone. All the following excerpts are taken from within a page of his introduction.

Jose is the first person I ever met as WSU…and we’ve been friends ever since… We also discovered that Ray [Ana’s father] and Jose Senior were in the same army unit together…Jose and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside me he’d like to be something more.

It’s all in my head.

Off Ana heads back to work, and, lo and behold, who’s there but beloved actress Pauline Quirke. No, it’s Christian Grey. And he’s here to rub up on Ana like an anaconda with a hard-on and…buy murder supplies? Rope, cable ties, masking tape…as Ana veritably leaves a puddle beneath her every time he speaks, she takes little notice of the fact that he’s clearly stocking up for a long season of hunting humans for sport like every great romantic hero.

In honour of his upcoming tenure as Doctor Who, they’ll be a Peter Capaldi gif in every article!

They flirt stupidly for a bit (I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto think Ana, and I punch myself in the face) and then organise a photo shoot to go along with Kate’s interview. Where he will presumably-and hopefully-kill them all.

May 17, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter One

Synopsis: We meet Anastasia Steele, prick extraordinaire, as she carries out an interview with Christian Grey for her sick roommate. No, literally, that’s all that happens. It’s diabolically boring.

Christian Grey Describe-O-Meter: The scribbles on the copy of my book imply that Christian Grey being described as looking “above all, polite” was my favourite; however, after a brief re-read, I noticed that there were four references to his “long index finger” in the handful of pages he appeared in the book. This conjured up the image of a guy with normal hands hindered by one huge, flappy pointing finger that he struggled to control as it careered waywardly around the room. I preferred this.

Because it reminded me of this.

Ana, A History: What struck me most about this chapter was that Ana Steele seems to have been written as a complete wanker deliberately. On page two, she “ignores a pang of unwelcome sympathy” for her bedridden best friend (Kate) who’s so ill she’s unable to conduct an interview we discover she’s spent months arranging. Then she proceeds to ask a series of ridiculously rude questions to a man who she’s apparently so in awe of she feels “strange muscles in [her] belly clench suddenly” when he looks at her (by the way, EL James, stomach =/= arousal).

First off, she suggests that his millions of dollars and twenty-thousand people strong company is down to luck alone, then tells him he’s a control freak. After that, she proceeds to ask if he’s gay when he says he doesn’t want a family. C’mon, Ana, I liked Kate! Even if you have a wierd desire to watch her suffer, try not to fuck up an amazing opportunity that she created for herself, okay? She also mentions that she’d prefer to be reading “a classic British novel”, which holds the double win of making me hate this book for being too vague to name a single classic British novel, yet specific enough to know I would eviscerate Ana with my words if I ever met her. That’s talent.

This kid has the right idea.

For the man who awoke dormant menopausal libidos across the planet, Christian Grey is outrageously shit. I get the notion of a standoffish sexual hero-treat ’em mean if you must-but his dialogue seems to consist of really inappropriate sexual hints (after all, Ana is a student at the university he benefits) and indecipherable statements. Viz;

“We can’t eat money, Ms Steele, and there are too many people on this planet who don’t have enough to eat.”

“That sounds very philanthropic. Is it something you feel passionate about? Feeding the world’s poor?”

He shrugs noncommittally.

“It’s good business sense.”

Aside from being atrociously written (can you shrug with certainty?), this is pretty much left as it is. He isn’t asked to explain that strange final comment, and the attempts to make him seem like a sensual villain with a heart of gold come off as a teenager wearing his fringe over his eyes to seem mysterious.

After a brief goodbye, during which Ana actually gasps when he touches her-

-Ana sneaks in one last reference to his long index fingers and is mercifully on her way, never to see this wretchedly boring creature again. Until Chapter two, that is. Tune in next Friday!