The Cutprice Guignol

With the sudden and very welcome return of The Sims 2 to the cultural sort-of mainstream again…well, frankly, you’re lucky to have peeled me away from the computer long enough for you to read this sentence. I love The Sims 2, despite my constant and loving roasting of the game, and diving back into it and being able to share that with new players thanks to the re-release – it’s good stuff. It is.

And, as I played through it again, I was reminded of the sheer level of scandal that’s present in The Sims 2. You open this game up, you innocently click on the first neighbourhood that pops up, and you’re thrust into the high drama of Pleasantview with no care for your wellbeing or long-term health.

And if there’s one thing I love other than The Sims 2, it’s drama. So I decided that today I would indulge myself by ranking the Pleasantview households in order of their drama – specifically, on a scale of How Badly I Would Like to See This Reality Show, the true arbiter of what makes for excellent gossip or otherwise. To the list!

8. Dreamer

It’s insane that this is genuinely the lowest house on the list – given that Darren has feelings for an engaged woman. But that’s just the level of drama we’re talking here in Pleasantview. Does Darleen the Ghost count as drama? I guess Dirk is dating a goth, that’s sort of something. Perhaps the most scandalous thing here is leaving full-time employment to pursue a career in the arts in this economy. 6/10, mostly for the art.

7. The Burbs

Now, they may seem simple on the surface, but you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me that John Burb was not exposed in the Ashley Madison leak. The Burbs? With a name that milquetoast, you might as well be advertising the kind of Blue Velvet shit you’re getting up to behind closed doors. This reality TV show would be a slow-burn kind of banger that wins Emmys and gets adapted into a miniseries starring Sarah Paulson, mark my words: 8/10

6. Oldies

Again, at a glance, you might not think there’s much going on here. But what you don’t know is that there is a simmering tension between Coral and Herb that is going to boil over at any moment – and don’t you just want the cameras there when it happens? I need to see Coral read her own husband to filth over the many affairs he has obviously had over the course of their marriage that I have arbitrarily decided exist. There’s a good story here, it just needs some coaxing out. 8/10.

5. Pleasant

Goths, lesbians, affairs with the maid: this household has all the trappings of the best kind of junk reality TV. Daniel Pleasant is the horny athlete that everyone loves to hate, Mary-Sue slowly comes to terms with her sexuality over the course of the season, while Lilith and Angela get into physical fistfights on the regular about why Lilith got the goth styling out of the twins when it’s so clearly superior. 8/10. Would binge.

4. Lothario

Crazy that halfway up the list is when we enter households with active links to ongoing missing person’s cases. Don Lothario, to be quite frank, is…well, if I was quite frank, I would have to censor it, and this blog is adults-only as it is. But let’s just say that there is a veritable DLCU (Don Lothario Cinematic Universe) of interconnected women in Pleasantview, including sisters (but we’ll get to that). And that’s not even getting in to the fact that another man’s wife was last seen on the deck of his condo (no euphemism intended). This reality show has sex, more sex, some more sex, and a bit of intrigue sort of carrying on in the background: 8/10.

3. Caliente

And speaking of the sisters. This is the show I would want to produce if I were in this universe – there isn’t a viewing vector that isn’t accounted for. Dina Caliente married to the now-deceased brother of a man she’s now in love with, Nina living like Samantha from Sex and the City in the worst pink cargo shorts you’ve ever seen, and, oh yes, the fact that they’re both involved unknowingly with the same man…and that’s not even mentioning the fact they have alien DNA! You think you know what show you’re getting into with this one, only for it to take a hard right-turn into genre fiction when you least expect it. 9/10.

2. Broke

Now, you might be surprised as to why this is so high up – on the surface, this is just a single mom who works two jobs, who loves likes her kids and never stops, right? But then you start looking closer, and we are on some Twin Peaks Black Lodge shit. How did the husband drown in a pool the size of a regulation postage stamp? Why is Brandi’s room so lavishly decorated like the inside of my dream goth bedroom in 2006 while the rest of the house is so bare? Is that toddler looking at me funny? This is a welcome spiral into suburban paranoia and I’m here for it. 10/10.

1. Goth

Truly, truthfully – did you expect to see anyone else at the top? The Goth family don’t even all have to be here for this household to work – in fact, Bella has recently jetted off for a cheeky little weekend break in the depths of the unknown universe (side note: what’s your favourite theory about Bella Goth? Here’s Plumbella breaking down mine), leaving behind her husband (dressed, in his bereavement, like a toy soldier found buried in the side of a hill) to go on the prowl for women in plunging jersey dresses. Oh, and Cassandra’s engaged to a man who’s cheating on her. And has been through something dark and disturbing enough to think those pigtails go with that dress. She having a hard time, is what I’m saying. In all this, how does that insane little boy-child turn out? Badly. 10/10, just for the Tumblr aesthetic blogs this house is going to spawn.

I am in urgent need of hearing your hot takes on Sims 2 scandals – let me know in the comments the house holds you would most want to see get their own reality show! If you fancy some more silliness, check out my other Sims articles!

(header image via Reddit)