The Cutprice Guignol

Whee! It’s my birthday month, and also the release of the Doctor Who sixtieth anniversary special, this November, and that means it is time for me to capital-I indulge myself. I love Doctor Who, but most of all, I love Donna Noble: she’s the woman of my dreams, New Who’s best companion (and any dissent in the comments will result in me manifesting in your home to steal your cat’s love from you), and a legendary character for the show and genre TV as a whole.

But! There are some things I think that Doctor Who has been keeping from us – some aspects of Donna’s character that we need, nay, deserve to see on screen now she’s making her triumphant return in the anniversary special that aren’t just kissing me on the lips hi Donna love you. And I’d like to talk about them here! Let’s get into what Donna Noble should be allowed to do in the sixtieth anniversary special.

Say Fuck

This is a no-brainer. Yes, I know Doctor Who is a show for the whole family, but at this point, it feels directly counter to her character to not let her say Fuck at least once. At least three times! There is no way on this earth or beyond it that Donna Noble would never have said Fuck and I am sick of pretending otherwise. Release the Fuck cut, you cowards! The kiddies would understand. We all know, deep in some primal part of our being, that Donna Noble should say Fuck.

A Full Ten-Minute Uncut Onscreen Punch-Up

This is really just for my own educational purposes, because we all know that Donna Noble can throw down; the question is, when unleashed to her full power, what does that look like for her? The sixtieth is going to be about three hours long anyway, this really wouldn’t take up too much of that screentime. I want Catherine Tate put through John Wick-level fight training and then just go buck-fucking-wild. Sisu got nothing on Donna Noble.

Use the TARDIS to Go Back in Time and Tell Someone What She Really Thinks of Them

Yes, I understand all the problems in space and time this would cause. I get it. I know that it would serve no real function to either plot or character. But I think Donna Noble should be able to go back in time and give a piece of her mind to a person of her (well, the writers’) choice. The only stipulation is that it’s not someone actually plot-important. I want Donna to lay in to that man who always left the washing-up in the sink for someone else to do in the office kitchenette. I want a monologue – nah, a soliloquy. It is, I think we’ll all agree, what I deserve.

Anyway! Who else can’t wait for the grand return of Donna Noble? If you’d like to read my other Doctor Who articles – only marginally less silly than this one – you can check them out here (and take a look at my books if you’re feeling curious!).

(header image via Radio Times)