The Cutprice Guignol

It’s Sunday, I’m chilling after a busy week, and that means it’s time to wave my arms about and knock my coffee into your lap explaining why one of my opinions has Always Been Right (speaking of TV opinions, I’m running a poll over on Twitter that you can vote in right now to choose my next TV writing project). And this week, to belatedly celebrate the fact that every British person I know has been compulsively bingeing Friends since it came on Netflix, I’m going to prove once and for all why Phoebe is the best Friend.

1. There’s a reason Lisa Kudrow is the only one with an Emmy

Lisa Kudrow was the only one of the main cast to get an Emmy for her work on Friends, and there’s a fucking reason for that: Friends is packed full of these big, iconic comedy moments, but all the best little one-liners and throwaway gags come from Phoebe and land thanks to Kudrow’s consistently fantastic performance.

2. She’s the only one who seems to accept how terrible she is

Phoebe is the only one of the lead six who actually seems to have come to terms with the fact that she is a relatively terrible person: the rest of them seem lost deep in this denial of their own neuroses and manipulations (ESPECIALLY ROSS), whereas Phoebe seems to have peacefully come to terms with her mild-to-moderate evil and simply lives in acceptance of it.

3. It’s sure as fuck not any of the rest of them

What, you want slack-jawed idiot and low-level sexual harasser Joey? Compulsively irritating and shrill Monica? Chandler’s endless insecurity and homophobia that everyone chuckles awkwardly along with because he says it with a funny intonation? That Ross and Rachel bullshit? Ross? Ross? You want Ross? You want the roiling ball of toxic masculinity and nuclear-level self-pity wrapped in a seemingly endless collection of eye-searingly bad sweaters? ROSS? You know I’m right about this.

(ross?)

4. She’s the one most often compared to me.

Enough said. People bring up the “Come on, Will, just take off your shirt and tell us” line a lot with regards to this, for some reason beyond my understanding.

5. She roasts Ross at every opportunity

Alight, so this became mostly a list about dragging Ross,but why wouldn’t it be? He’s the worst, and Phoebe seems to take great joy in ripping the piss out of him at every opportunity, whether it’s to critique his need to always be right or to tease him about having a totally predictable boner for Princess Leia. And hating Ross is a value that I prize highly in all the people close to me, fictional or not.