The Cutprice Guignol

So, yeah, I can’t turn down a chance to snark on my literary nemesis, Fifty Shades, and with a new trailer out, I have a prime opportunity. First and foremost, before any of those delightful Fifty Shades fans come down on me for “not focusing on my own work”, here’s where you can buy my romance and erotica. Fair warning, though: most of the women in my work consent to and enjoy the sex they have, which may put off some fans of EL James’ “work”. On with the trailer reaction!

0:06: “Good morning, wife” certainly doesn’t sound like the sort of thing that I would hear waking up chained to a maniac’s bed after he decided that I should be his bride. Not. At. All.

0:15: “Mrs Grey” is somehow the most boring thing I’ve ever heard in my life, with all due respect to any “Mrs Greys” out there. Take solace in the fact that this Mrs Grey is the most catastrophically boring of them all.

0:23: Jamie Dornan has abs. You know what else he has? A history of stalking women in practice for roles. Ha ha!

0:29: Man, watching this is just reminding me how painfully unsexy all the sex was in Fifty Shades Darker. Do we at least get to see Jamie’s Dornan in this one? No? Oh, right, yeah, better just focus on endless shots of Dakota Johnson gasping in fancy bathrobes.

0:37: When “Ana’s new office” is a beat they’re playing up in the trailer, you have to start worrying about the content of the movie. Is this meant to be getting me off? I mean, it is spacious…

0:45: Christian won’t let Ana drive because, as we all remember, he’s her father – oh wait, shit, no, he’s her husband, isn’t he? It’s just that he’s a giant patronizing douchebag with no sense of Ana’s autonomy. My bad.

0:53: I forgot all about Gia, the architect! She dares show professional courtesy to Christian and Ana shouts her down about it because empowerment and also because EL James hates all female characters who aren’t her self-insert.

0:57: I like that they’ve preserved the sapphic tension between Ana and Gia. It’s the only bit of the movie I’ll enjoy.

1:07: Sexy sex montage, gasping, wrists, backs. Swoon. Yawn. Not a dry seat in the house.

1:21: Sorry, but this car chase bit made me think of a Final Destination opening disaster. Actually, I’m not sorry, because I freaking love that franchise. But I doubt that’s what they were going for, though I would like to see Ana and Christian stalked by the spectre of death, as played by me wielding the axe I’m so determined to grind.

1:28: FINALLY I FIGURED OUT THAT JACK HYDE REMINDS ME OF ARNIE HAMMER. That was annoying me all the way through FSD, along with, you know, every single minute detail of that garbage fire of a film.

1:39: Ah yes: another shot of Ana Looking On While Christian Plays the Piano. Truly, what we’re all here for.

1:49: I’ve read the books, and frankly, these attempts to manafacture drama are pretty funny to me considering the most dramatic thing that happens in this book is Christian screaming abuse at Ana for getting pregnant after he forced her to switch birth control.

1:56: I mean, fair play, for a tagline, “Don’t miss the climax” is pretty fucking funny, if only because “climax” might be the most hyperbolic word imaginable to apply to this inevitably boring phwip of a movie.

Overall, I give it 0/10, will for sure be getting drunk and going to see it with my best friend like I did the last one.

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