Operation Quit Smoking, Part Seven
I think, right now, I’m where I want to be when it comes to smoking.
Yes, it’s been a while since the last time I wrote an update on my great and sweeping journey of becoming smoke-free (well, tobacco free: I still breath fire thanks to my innate dragon heritage, but that’s another discussion for another time), but that’s mainly because…well, I haven’t had a whole lot to talk about. But it struck me earlier this week that it’s been just over two months since I started this journey (ugh, how I hate that term for describing any kind of life change. They can eat, pray, shove it), and that I’m now an actual non-smoker.
That’s the point I was always shooting for. I looked at the way people I knew who’d never smoked treated cigarettes, most of them with outright distaste and some of them indulging themselves in one or two after a couple of drinks, and realized that’s the attitude I wanted to have towards smoking. I didn’t want it to have a power over me, to fear that I would head up diving headfirst back into a twenty deck should I so much as breathe too deeply when passing someone having a puff. I wanted to be able to have one or two if I wanted and go on with my life without using that as an excuse to pick up the habit again. And, as I have moved further and further from being an actual smoker, the urge to even indulge myself in a cigarette once in a while has subsided to the point where I barely give them a thought any more. I just…don’t smoke. The term “ex-smoker” always held this power to me, like I was due to slip back in at any moment, but “non-smoker” feels better. More final. So that’s what I’m going with for now.
I really thought this would be a hell of a lot harder than it has been. I expected to be coming to this series every few days to vent and whine and berate myself for not having the willpower that I should have in the face of those delicious little deathsticks. And make no mistake, I still have next to no willpower, but somehow I channeled whatever little I did have into getting past the first few weeks of not smoking and dragging myself to a point where I didn’t think about smoking for an hour, for a day, for a week at a time. I’ve even pretty much quit vaping on top of that, without even really trying, as thoughts of smoking became unmoored from my day-to-day life. If you’re a smoker, reading this – and I know there won’t be a lot of you because when I was smoking I desperately hated reading success stories about quitting because it made me hate myself for my stupid habit even more – you can totally, one-hundred-percent do this. There are going to be ups and downs and back and forths and panics in the middle of the night about never having a cigarette again – and then there will come a point where you’re just not a smoker any longer. The time that takes varies for everyone, but it will come.
So, that’s the point I’m at now. I’m going to keep writing these diaries, because they’ve been really helpful in keeping me accountable as I quit and I intend to use them to stay a non-smoker as long as I can. And I’m sure there’s plenty more milestones and slip-ups for me to overcome yet. But for now, I just want to offer a hearty thank you to everyone who’s supported me on this challenge of mine, and more importantly, a massive fuck-off dose of luck, willpower, and sheer bloody-minded determination to anyone who’s looking to quit themselves.