Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter Eight

by thethreepennyguignol

Happy Sunday/Hangover Day, my dear readers! As you may have noticed, I recently added a new widget down there at the bottom of the page; it’s a new, quicker, one-off way to donate a couple of bucks to the blog if you don’t feel like going through my Patreon to do so. If you enjoy these recaps and/or the rest of the work I post up on her, please consider donating, long live The Cutprice Guignol, etc. On with the recap!

We left off last time with Ana and Christian’s architect, Gia Matteo, arriving. Oh, wait, did I say architect? I meant “the woman Ana is clearly in love with and desperately trying to seduce”;

“Gia Matteo is a good-looking woman—a tall, good-looking woman. She wears her short, salon-blond, perfectly layered and coiffed hair like a sophisticated crown. She’s dressed in a pale gray pantsuit; the slacks and fitted jacket hug her lush curves […] She is well groomed—one of those women who grew up with money and breeding, though her breeding seems to be lacking this evening; her pale blue blouse is undone too far. Like mine. I flush.”

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And if Peter Dinklage thinks it’s true, well…

Maybe I’m just in the middle of cycle and hormonal/thirsty as hell, but it really sounds as though Ana is trying to bang Gia, right? I’ve never flushed while looking at someone’s tits unless I wanted to get my hands on them, is all I’m saying. Is Ana actually a repressed queer woman? I will certainly pretend so and treat the rest of this book like she is.

Gia says they look well after their honeymoon and shakes Christian’s hand, which is a terminal infringement on Ana’s rights as wife, obviously. Christian thanks her and kisses Ana;

“Annoying—infuriating, even—but mine. I grin. Right now I really love you, Christian Grey. I slip my hand around his waist then into his rear pocket of his pants and squeeze his behind”

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You know, I came off birth control recently and as my hormones have settled down I’ve been watching a lot of Supernatural. A LOT of Supernatural. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

I think I’ve expressed before how much I hate couples who feel the need to express their togertherness by rubbing up on each other in company; Gia literally just acknowledged the fact that they went on their honeymoon and Ana is groping up on Christian’s butt in front of her. Poor Gia probably thinks they’re shooting for a threesome or something, because there’s no real reason for them to be that grabby-grabby in front of her unless they’re hoping she joins in.

Ana offers Gia some wine, and calls her a bitch in her head because female solidarity, I guess, unless it comes to someone else being in the same room as your male partner for professional reasons. I mean, it’s not like they found Gia draped over Christian’s desk in nothing but spicy lingerie begging him to stick it in her; she’s at there place to discuss the house their buying, at their request. They talk about how they want the house to look a bit:

“Reluctantly, Gia drags her greedy eyes away from my husband and smiles down at me. Does she think I’m not going to notice?”

She’s looking at him. She’s LOOKING AT HIM. Next time I’m visiting my friend Ellie, I’ll make sure to gouge my eyes out as soon as her boyfriend walks into the room lest we look at each other and cause her to hate me forever. She’d have to choice, really. Christian leaves to deal with something, and Ana decides to lay the smackdown on Gia:

“”You’re right to be nervous, Gia, because right now your work on this project hangs in the balance. But I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as you keep your hands off my husband.””

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“”Let me be clear. My husband is not interested in you.”

“Of course,” she murmurs, the blood draining from her face.

“As I said, I just wanted to be clear.””

Poor Gia! She turned up to do her job, had to watch Ana and Christian rub up on each other, and then got berated as soon as Christian left the room for…looking at Christian? She briefly touches his arm earlier, to be fair, the whore. Gia, so far, is pretty much the only sympathetic character in this book. #teamgia

Christian returns and Gia leaves, and he remarks on her coolness towards them before acknowledging Ana’s insecurity;

“”Ana, she’s a sexual predator. Not my type at all. How can you be jealous of her? Of anyone? Nothing about her interests me.””

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The fuck? The actual fucking fuck is going on in this chapter? A sexual predator? Not only is that pretty rich coming from Christian, but what has she done to indicate this? Touched his arm? Met his gaze? What? WHAT?

Ana blurts out that she’s worried that she’s getting left behind in the whirlwind romance, bla bla. She says she’s concerned that”All that would be left is a vacuous social x-ray”, which makes no sense and I’m less than halfway through this chapter and I’m fucking exhausted. What’s a social x-ray? Does it throw a lot of dinner parties?

Christian is surprised that she feels railroaded, even though, as we recall, he arrived at her office unnanounced and tried to railroad her into changing her name. They exchange Shakespeare quotes because they’re oh-so-clever, and Ana agrees to change her name.

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Christian tells her they’re going to fuck, all sexy like, and then asks her to cut his hair. Whatever. Ana washes his hair, and his lashes fan out across his cheek again because that’s how your face works, sure. Drown him, Ana! While you’ve got the chance!

She doesn’t, and instead she finishes up and Christian rubs his head on her shirt so that it’s wet too and they can fuck. I think? Christian ties her hands up with her knickers and they have this sort of goofy encounter that is hardly the dark eroticism I was promised from this book to be honest. I mean, I did laugh aloud when I read this-

“”You have such beautiful breasts, Ana.” He groans. “One day I’ll fuck them.””

-but only because I’ve had a lot of very intense discussions about tit-fucking over the years with many men and most of them seem to agree that it’s something teenagers with an eye for too much porn are into. Why stick your dick awkwardly between some tits when there are so many other, more mutually pleasurable places for it to go? That said, Christian is 100% the kind of guy who would turn to you after fucking your boobs and be all “did you come, baby”, so…

She sucks his dick and they fuck and Ana cries at how much she loves him. Christian tells Ana she needs him to cut his hair still, and she goes to get his scissors to finish the job.

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April would have had this on lock is all I’m saying

She walks in on Taylor and Mrs Jones kissing, and can’t resist being gross about it-“I always thought Mrs. Jones was older than Taylor.”- because of course what man in his right mind would want to be with an older woman when there are so many nubile, fertile young things running around? Then Ana finds a gun in Christian’s study, and for some reason that’s beyond me doesn’t take it to use on Christian. She’s shocked at both revelations, and returns to Christian who’s more upset that Taylor saw her wearing only his shirt. Yes, because another man laying eyes on her in any state of undress is worse than you owning a gun you never told her about, right? Christian tells Ana that he pays for Taylor’s daughter’s schooling, and admits that it’s to keep him around, because nothing screams “great guy” like an employer who has to threaten his employees with the retraction of their child’s education to keep them around.

Ana tells her that she’s not sure she wants to run the company, which seems fair, but she frames it as wanting more time to spend with her beloved husband. Christian gets all wide-eyed and sad at the thought of Ana tying him up and touching him, and then they forget about that and make out a bit more to bring this teeth-grindingly awful chapter to a close.

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See you next time, fucks folks!

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